new baby/ big brother angry

[StayAtHomeMama21]

our new baby is two months, our other son is a little over three and very angry. I'm having a very hard time adjusting and I feel like I'm starting to lose my mind. The three year just doesn't listen. Well, actually he does, probably quite well because whatever it is I don't want him to do he does. From the moment he wakes up till the moment he falls asleep at night; battle battle battle. He's learned how to open the front door, he will open it while I'm trying to put the baby to sleep and start throwing things out. He has started drawing on the walls.

This morning he just wasn't listening to me, he drew on the wall, he had buttery corn all over his hands I said lets wash them, please don't touch anything, so he ran down the house touching as many things as he could. I felt my own anger start to go so I said ok, in your room you need a break and shut the door. (I know.. I'm probably not suppose to do this) and he threw all his toys at the door, breaking several of them and part of the door. I opened the door and said you can come ou t when you've calmed down. So he stayed in there for what felt like eternity throwing his toys at the door.


It's gotta be me too.. I'm having a hard time juggling two. Any helpful book recommendations? Something?

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Telling them NOT to do something (at that age) is like telling them TO DO IT. Example, instead of telling him not to touch anything, tell him to put his hands in the air, or ARMS UP! (I read that on here somewhere when I was having a similar problem, and by golly, IT WORKS!) Or try something even more severe, like, Don't you DARE wash your hands! Just to see if it works.

AS for the front door, we had this problem, so we got those door knob covers that you have to squeeze in and turn in order to turn the knob. I even have to work at it, so I know my son wont have the strength in his hands for a while to get that baby open.

When the baby takes naps, or when your partner is home, hand the baby off, and give your son some really special one on one time with mommy. I am just assuming you are a SAHM, so him being able to spend some time with YOU (as apposed to just anyone giving him attention) is the important part. My DS2 was a very hands on baby for the first 7 months, so when I got the chance to put him down or hand him off, I triied my darndest to make sure DS1 knew mama still loved him very much and was there for him, and that he still meant everything to me.

To thier little perceptions, when they see the only person in their whole universe giving this other little person all the attention, even if its just holding, they start to feel put out, and they will act out. Just remember this is all emotional, not behavioral.

[StayAtHomeMama21]

thank you. your right about telling him not to do it... I'll have to start watching my words. I'm so tired right now, i wish i could just be me without all these tricky parenting tools, you know what i mean?

I had a child lock, it was the same kind! He hit it over and over and over again until it broke. It flew across the room. My husband and I were in such shock we both burst out laughing, which probably wasn't the best thing.

I'll try the trick you mentioned, lol. Thank you.

This is much harder then I thought.

Sometimes by the time my husband is home, my son is already in bed asleep. My husband doesn't get home until 6 ish every evening. And I hate to say it but the times he does come home on time, I'm so irritated with my 3 year old, I DON'T want to spend the time with him. But I guess I should do it anyways.

[jillmamma]

My kids were close to that age spacing too, and we also had some issues. One thing that really helped us was to get outside a lot. I could let DS run around the back yard or park and keep DD happy in the sling. Bonus to that was when we did go home, he was calmer and able to do more relaxing activities with me, like reading lots of books while I was nursing the baby. I do admit I was yelling a lot more than I should have just due to frustration and fatigue. But, it DOES get better, and now that they are 6.5 and 4, they play really well together (most of the time ).

[zinemama]

I was right where you were with a newborn and an angry 3yo. It's awful.

Is preschool an option? Because that really helped for us. Once ds had something/someplace that was just for him, no babies around, he started to even out with the anger. Those three mornings/week gave a better rhythm to our days and were so nice for me, too. Because I could spend time with the baby without having to deal with Anger Boy at the same time.

[HunaMama]

I agree with most of what has been said but have another take on it for you to consider, SAHM21.

Sounds like your 3 year old is really getting violent and, though the quote below is right that it's emotionally based, it is also behavioural. I say that because, by allowing him to continue doing these things, without making sure they stop, you're allowing him to form a habit of how he deals with his anger. A neural pathway is being formed that connects anger/hurt feelings/loss or whatever it truly is for him with acting out.

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

To thier little perceptions, when they see the only person in their whole universe giving this other little person all the attention, even if its just holding, they start to feel put out, and they will act out. Just remember this is all emotional, not behavioral.

He needs to know, in no uncertain terms, and with a neutral energy from you, that what he's doing is not okay.

For example, anything that gets thrown at a door, used to draw on a wall or for any other purpose that is not going to bring good things into your boys and your family's life, gets taken away. And not for a day. For at least a week.

If that means that ever toy he owns disappears, then so be it. You are making sure that he learns the important lesson of how to deal with his emotions before they become habit. (Ever tried to loose weight? Breaking habits is VERY hard!)

I challenge you to look at two difficult things:

1) Your child is a vastly powerful, coherent, intelligent being. Are you treating him as if he can't choose a better response to his anger? Are you allowing him to choose the easiest expression of displeasure and hurt when he's very capable of one that gets him better results?

2) What are your beliefs about yourself and why he's behaving this way? In what ways might you be telling yourself you're not (doing, being, loving) enough and causing him to behave this way?

So, as with any advice I give - and in my work I give a lot - I say: Take what works and leave what doesn't but do some soul searching to make sure you don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!

I hope you can get some time to yourself to recharge in this hard time you're going through. Breath deeply and remember that you are a FANTASTIC Mom already and you'll only get better as you go! ::