My 8 Year Old Daughter - Help

[walking burp cloth]

Please. How do I encourage her to think for herself?! She is so smart, and up until this last couple of years has had a great imagination. She gets to make choices about food (within her limited diet- she has food sensitivities). She gets to make clothing choices. She get to choose (for the most part) who and when she wants to spend time with friends, and when she wants to be alone.

But when it comes to coming up with ideas, I give her a few, and then ask her to come up with some, and she will just say what I said! When I ask her if there is anything special she would like to do over the weekend, she can never think of anything. I try to give her some ideas to get her thinking, and then she just wants to do one of the things I mention. Or like today...... she and her almost 2 year old brother kept starting to roughplay in our tiny little home while I am trying to get things done. The first few times were fine..."No roughplay in the house right now. If you need to do that, go outside." She doesn't want to go outside. OK. Then do something else. This happened over and over again. Finally I said, if this happens again you WILL GO OUTSIDE. She does not like that, so I let her know that she can think of another consequence and we can talk about it, and see what would be best. But I cannot have the roughplay in the house right now. She freaks out and cannot think of one. After a time I start to make some other suggestions to hopefully get the ball rolling. This I think is a bad idea, as she always uses my suggestions if I give them. She says she can't think of anything.

Also, she has a couple of friends that when she is around them, she starts to act just like them. Yes, even their not so good qualities. I think she would go with just about whatever they say. I know this is not a huge deal at 8, but if she doesn't get a mind of her own, she is in trouble. She has a pretty good understanding of right and wrong. Safe and not safe. Mean and kind. We try to encourage her to have a good self image. She is involved in sports and is fit (as you can be for the age), and I think that is helpful for self image. We encourage her and let her know when we are proud of her. She does really well in school and excels in reading.

I am just really concerned for her, as she seems to be thinking for herself less and less. We try to encourage that at so many opportunities, but she acts like we are punishing her, and that we are the meanest parents in the world because we want to hear her ideas and what she is thinking. I don't know. Maybe this is normal for the age? Is she bored? I have no idea. Any thoughts? suggestions? I really am at a loss.

[Starflower]

Actually, I think you should stop giving her ideas and asking her to add some more. If she wants you to give her suggestions, shrug and tell her "I don't know" and let her deal with being bored for a bit. Chances are she'll find something to do. Is it possible she doesn't like to say everything out loud? (If she is an introvert, she may need quiet reflection time to think and having to think out loud on the spot could be difficult for her.)

The book "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka details several personality traits that may help explain why your DD may seems uninterested in coming up with ideas on her own. The book uses real-life examples of how different personalities may process the same situations in differing ways. The main focus of the book is on emotion coaching. I'd highly recommend it.

As for rough play in the house: if she doesn't want to play outside, could you maybe restrict the rough play to a certain area of the house so you're not tripping over the kids? I have a small house too and I don't like a lot of noise, so I understand that this can be aggravating.

About the picking up other kids' behaviors: My DD is only six, but she is extremely independent minded, strong-willed and creative. She also copies other people's behaviors (even book characters at times). Lately, she has been using some of the same vocal inflections that the neighbor girl uses. (Drives me nuts.) So even though I don't like it sometimes, I think it's normal for kids to try out different behaviors, ways of speaking and relating, etc. They'll pick and choose as they go along and take what they like to make it their own. I grew up in the '80s and I don't still say "like," "grody" or "totally" all the time. I draw the line at rude behavior though.

By the way, I love you user name.

[sunnmama]

What if, instead of giving suggestions, you ask questions that help her narrow down what she'd like to do. For instance:

do you want to do something inside or outside?
active or quiet?
alone or with company?

that sort of thing.

Maybe it would help to help her create a list of activities she likes to do, at a happy, cooperative time, and she can refer to her list when she is feeling restless.

Or, you could fall back on "If you can't find something to do, I have a list of things that need to be done!"

As for following the peers, that is normal, but of course concerning. I'd keep talking to her about it. Ask her if she thinks that is the best choice. Give her lines to use when something is not the best choice "Dude. That is NOT cool."

[Starflower]

Originally Posted by sunnmama

What if, instead of giving suggestions, you ask questions that help her narrow down what she'd like to do. For instance:

do you want to do something inside or outside?
active or quiet?
alone or with company?

that sort of thing.

Maybe it would help to help her create a list of activities she likes to do, at a happy, cooperative time, and she can refer to her list when she is feeling restless.

Or, you could fall back on "If you can't find something to do, I have a list of things that need to be done!"

As for following the peers, that is normal, but of course concerning. I'd keep talking to her about it. Ask her if she thinks that is the best choice. Give her lines to use when something is not the best choice "Dude. That is NOT cool."

This is a good idea. If you decided to not give her suggestions and she floundered and seemed to need some direction, it could help model for her how to determine what she really wants to do and could help give her ownership. Now that I think about it, we've done this w/DD and it works pretty well.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

"Recall" is the ability to pull an idea, visual image, or auditory stimulus from your brain without any cues. Recognition involves the ability to choose something when cues are present. When you list things for her, you are providing cues. Its like when you can't think of what to eat, you open the frig to provide yourself with visual cues ("recognition" is the cognitive term) which makes your choice easier.

All choices are usually the result of things you have done in the past. Usually, when trying to decide what to eat, for example, you think about what you have eaten in the past. You don't usually think about eating something you have never eaten. When thinking about activities you might enjoy right now, you think about activities you have done in the past that might be fun in the present. You can help stimulate "recall" (pulling something out of her brain herself) vs. "recognition" (giving auditory or visual cues) by trying to help her remember things she has done that she might feel like doing now. "What did you do yesterday that was fun?" Get her working on recalling memories. Other things that develop memory are playing games like, well, Memory. Helping her keep a journal in which she recalls what she did during the day will also help.

If its not an issue with cognitively being able to recall, then perhaps it is in issue with indecisiveness. It might help to encourage her to take a leadership role in a fun way, playing games. Like following the leader and she is the leader. Copycat, where she makes a pose and everyone copies it. Having a little play, where she tells people what their lines are and directs the action. Help her get comfortable with autonomy and decisiveness.

Kids often shut down when faced with a problem or obstacle. In this case, you really do have to take a stronger role in helping her work through the issue. It sounds like when she is stressed, she is unable to move into problem-solving mode. This really isn't unusual. In the situation where she knew she needed to stop roughhousing but couldn't think of what else to do, it is really okay to provide support and walk her through her options even though you might feel like she is "not thinking."

Following peers is probably a different issue. If she is looking to them to tell her what to play and how to play, then the leadership games should help. If she is imitating them because she wants to fit in with them, that is very common but a different issue. In that case, I would just keep having discussions about what good choices are and what appropriate behaviors are, and how different behaviors are appropriate in different contexts.

[walking burp cloth]

Thanks everyone. This is great info to think through.

Kids often shut down when faced with a problem or obstacle. In this case, you really do have to take a stronger role in helping her work through the issue. It sounds like when she is stressed, she is unable to move into problem-solving mode. This really isn't unusual. In the situation where she knew she needed to stop roughhousing but couldn't think of what else to do, it is really okay to provide support and walk her through her options even though you might feel like she is "not thinking."

This is a great point. It does seem to be when she is face with an obstacle, even when the stress "seems" very minimal. When it comes to any kind of problem solving, she can't seem to get past the immediete now.

She actually has great ideas throughout the day when she is "on her own" so to speak. While I am taking care of the litte one, or whatever, she can figure out if she wants to play in her room, read a book, find a freind,etc.

Following peers is probably a different issue. If she is looking to them to tell her what to play and how to play, then the leadership games should help. If she is imitating them because she wants to fit in with them, that is very common but a different issue. In that case, I would just keep having discussions about what good choices are and what appropriate behaviors are, and how different behaviors are appropriate in different contexts.

And this. I never stopped to think WHY she was going along with her peers. I think it is because she is looking to them to tell them what to play, so I will work on some leadership games. I also think it is a little bit of self esteem stuff, maybe. Because she can think of things on her own, and some of that stuff would be great with her freinds, but yet she goes along with them so often. I would imagine playing leadership games would help with that also. I have been treating the situation as she wants to fit in, and often talking about what is appropriate and making good decisions. My focus has been a bit off point I think.

Or, you could fall back on "If you can't find something to do, I have a list of things that need to be done!"

As for following the peers, that is normal, but of course concerning. I'd keep talking to her about it. Ask her if she thinks that is the best choice. Give her lines to use when something is not the best choice "Dude. That is NOT cool."

These are great ideas! Thank you.

Is it possible she doesn't like to say everything out loud? (If she is an introvert, she may need quiet reflection time to think and having to think out loud on the spot could be difficult for her.)

I think this is right on. She does so much better when she has this!

I will look into the book. I actually think I have this. I work at a thrift store and get books for a dollar, and have tons of books that I am going to read at some point. I will pull this one and check it out. Right now I am working through unconditional parenting and one on tweens.

By the way, I love you user name.

Thanks! I signed up on these forums when my ds was very little and was dealing with some serious reflux. He was spitting up on me ever five minutes, literally! So, by the end of the day my 3rd shirt was usually covered in the stuff!! Many days I just gave up on any sort of burp cloth or diaper!

It is great to have some outside perspective. Thanks so much!! I appreciate all of this imput!

[Tjej]

I think you already got a lot of great ideas/thoughts. I wanted to give you the perspective your daughter might be working from (as I am similar).

I'm a very capable, independent-thinking person. My DH does like you and asks me "what do you want to do this weekend?" and I am at a total loss. I just don't have things laid out in my head that way - I do have things I want to do, and I have things I like and I have ideas, but when I am hit with the question and not given time to think about it and/or go find my lists of things I want to get done, I am stymied. He takes my silence as meaning I have no ideas, but in truth I actually have so many ideas that I can't get one out/don't know where to start.

So giving your daughter time to think and/or write down options might help a lot.

Tjej