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Husband dislikes my daughter... - Page 2

post #21 of 68
Thread Starter 
Thanks to all of you- it's what I knew but hoped not to hear.
I'm going to find a therapist for me and work on earning a steady income to support us.
I wish there was a place I could send her, but all I can do now is allow her to spend time at friends' and at activities as much as possible.
Thank you again for your kind support-all of you.
Can somebody now do the money dance for us?:
post #22 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zugzwang View Post
Can somebody now do the money dance for us?:
<money dance


post #23 of 68
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have a whole lot of advice, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I am in a very similar situation where my DH does not "like" my two older children, who were 2 and 4 when we became a couple.

It's so sad, I hope you find the strength to do whatever it is you need to.

post #24 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by lalaland42 View Post
Choose her and divorce him.

I am sorry you are in this situation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
If you feel forced to choose, make a choice. It shouldn't take that much thought - your husband is an adult, who can get an apartment of his own and support himself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ziggy View Post
That was basically my relationship with my stepfather, except my mother was either unwilling to "take a side" or she would tell me to just "lay low for awhile" until he calmed down. Or that I deserved it. I left home at 16 and moved in with a bunch of guys in a crappy one bedroom apartment. I am 22 now and have very minimal contact with my mother and my stepfather is the main reason. He convinced my mother not to help pay for college or even sign financial aid paperwork that would allow me to get federal student aid. I'm in a lot more debt than I should be because of him.

Get rid of the guy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ziggy View Post
Also, I wouldn't force your daughter into counseling.
Yup to all of the above.

Having been a stepdaughter in a similar situation, but with a mother who did nothing (actually left for a while then went back to the UAV), I say hurry, before she completely disconnects from you. And yes, stand up for her every second. Give him ultimatums, if necessary. I would have far preferred living in a tiny, crappy place without him than staying with him to have a nicer home.
post #25 of 68
Stand up to him so she can see you are doing it. Also, talk to her - let her know that what is going on is *not* a reflection on her and is *not* her fault! Can you set a date with her - as in, "we'll leave on or before March 1, 2010"? Her trust may already be damaged at this point and she may not believe that you actually intend to leave - 6 months (or whatever your time frame is) is a LONG time to a teenager.

So, so sorry you have been put in this situation s
post #26 of 68
I was also the stepdaughter in a situation where my stepdad was an a-hole, and my mom stayed with him. they had a son together, and I understand (sort of...) why she didn't leave him, and I was able to essentially get him off my back when I was about 12, and it left pretty much nothing but tense silences and an incredibly sad and awkward homelife for me. moved in with a boyfriend right after highschool, and while I have a cordial relationship with my mom, we're not terribly close, and I do resent her for staying with him, even though I understand it, on a cognitive level -- she chose him over me, and that hurts. she continues to choose him over me, and now it's affecting their relationship with my kids, and it makes visiting quite awkward....

this is not just a problem until she is 18, this is a problem for the rest of HIS life... you've been in counseling for 4 years, it's time to stand up for your daughter... imagine the weight that will be lifted when it's just the two of you, no ogre coming between you... no man is worth that garbage, and right now she is getting the message that she is not worth as much as him...

, and don't worry about the money, it will come...
post #27 of 68
I'm with the others... I was the child in a scenario very much like the one you describe, only it was my step-mother who caused the problems. I moved out because of her when I was 16... it didn't wait until I was 18. I had very limited contact with my father for the next 8 years, even though I lived in the same town. I'd see him maybe 3 or 4 times a YEAR because I couldn't deal with her. I moved out of that town 8 years ago, and the visits dwindled to once a year, if that. And then there came a point where I decided my life was better without them in it, and I have had no contact for over 2 years now. I'll be having a child any day now, and my father will never get to know him because of the choices he's made.

Don't make that mistake with your daughter. You have a chance to fix it, take it.
post #28 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zugzwang View Post
Thanks to you all.
We did counseling the last 4 years, he still feels it is her fault that they do not get along. I don't think he will change at this point, but i cannot go for at least several months until my new business generates some steady income.
It breaks my heart to think of leaving but it does look like that's what is going to happen.
What can I do in the meantime? Do I tell her to just hang on? I don't know if I should tell him or not yet- could be very ugly during the interim.
I just feel so alone and sad at the opportunity lost for them both
If by ugly, you mean abusively ugly than you can use that as an opportunity to get a PFA and have him put out of the house.

I am the daughter of a mother who took the path of least resistance when it came to her dysfunctional marriage and watching her do the easy-but-wrong thing still sickens me.
post #29 of 68
[QUOTE=Caneel;14385886]If by ugly, you mean abusively ugly than you can use that as an opportunity to get a PFA and have him put out of the house.

I am the daughter of a mother who took the path of least resistance when it came to her dysfunctional marriage and watching her do the easy-but-wrong thing still sickens me.[/QUOTE]

Please, OP, get him out of the house immediately.
post #30 of 68
Have you talked to him about his behavior? Would he consider family councelling? If not, you may need to choose. Please take MeepyCat's advice:

Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post
If you feel forced to choose, make a choice. It shouldn't take that much thought - your husband is an adult, who can get an apartment of his own and support himself.
post #31 of 68
whatever you decide to do, talk to your daughter about it (today!!!) and let her know that his behavior isn't ok and that you're working towards doing something about it. let her know that you leaving him is not her fault, it is HIS fault. make these things very clear, and talk to her about it NOW -- don't wait a few months to get more financially stable to at least have the talk with your daughter. you never know what she will do in the next couple of months if she feels she doesn't have your support... I don't mean to sound dramatic, but 14 is a hard enough age without some jackass step-dad making your life miserable.

more 's your way...
post #32 of 68
Another stepdaughter of an abusive stepparent (stepmother), I'm 36 and still not over it, how my father was so selfish to let her treat me the way she did. Now that I have a child of my own, I'm utterly DISGUSTED that my own father allowed the abuse. I wouldn't think much of a woman who allowed this, and for so long.
post #33 of 68
Thread Starter 
Thanks again to all of you- the care and concern I feel here is going to help me through a really rough patch...especially hearing from the step-kids who have now flown the nest, thanks.
I'll let you know what happens.
post #34 of 68
Another step-child here. I have very limited contact with my dad who's always chosen whatever woman he was with over me. Tell your daughter now that he is WRONG and that you are going to leave him. she needs to know this now. It is overwhelmingly isolating to live in a home with two married people (joined, connected to each other etc.) with one of them hating you.
post #35 of 68
Zugzwang, big hugs to you in this difficult time... it is hard to let go of dreams we had about our loved ones, but I think your instinct is correct that this problem is not going to go away, and your daughter deserves better. I'm sending you lots of strong, peaceful, mama bear vibes, and hoping you get through this quickly and without too much drama.

also wanted to mention that not all step-parents are awful, I have a wonderful step-mother who really enhances my relationship with my dad... you'll find someone out there who gives you and your daughter what you deserve... not that you NEED a partner, necessarily, but don't stay with your current husband out of fear of lonliness -- so many mamas leave awful relationships and then find true happiness and wonder what the heck too them so long to get out!

but mostly,
post #36 of 68
Before you leave ~~ get counciling for all three of you.

You all might need help. They might be able to help.

I was the "step"child parents girlfriend or boyfriend and to be honest sometimes I was being wrong. My parents reaction were not always correct nor my parents boy/girl friends. The one boyfriend I remember the most and have the most foundest memory of was the one that try to create a balance. He told my us he knew my mom wouldn't choose but if she didn't act like an adult she was leading me down the wrong way. He was right. He never told me to shut the f*** up but there was times I saw him walk away very red in anger.

I would purposely leave out cups, plates, bras, et to piss off my mom's boyfriend.

I treated my dad's girl friend (now wife of 21ish years) like crap.

Is his tattling is his way of talking to you about the issues? The hair in the tub might not bother you but if he is having to clean it out before he bathes it is annoying (my dh is 52 and is shedding..........grr). My dh and I talk about who is leaving glasses/plates out because we have an ant issue. Talking together and telling each other who is doing it helps us address the issue.
post #37 of 68
marsupial, they've been in counseling for 4 years...

I'm not usually a "leave him" kind of person, but after 4 years of counseling and I think 12? years of togetherness, the fact that he's not taking any responsibility for his behavior and lashes out at dd for no reason... it just doesn't seem fair to me to make your child live with someone who is making their lives miserable. teenagers often do have their issues, but this guy doesn't seem to want to make any changes, nor care to...

and that's all I will say, judging by the lump in my throat, this issue is obviously too close to home for me to be objective

best wishes to the OP, I'll still be here for support, but don't feel I should add any more of my baggage to the heap!
post #38 of 68
I missed the 4 years in counciling..........sorry. After 4 years then I agree leave.
post #39 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by Toolip View Post
<money dance


I'm doing it, too!
post #40 of 68
Zugzwang, Make amends with your daughter. Apologize for letting this go on so long and promise her that things are changing. She's at an age when they can disconnect very quickly, don't take the chance. Share what's in your heart with her.


Quote:
I am in a very similar situation where my DH does not "like" my two older children, who were 2 and 4 when we became a couple.
I'm sincerely curious...what is your reaction when you read the words of adults who went through this?
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