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Husband dislikes my daughter... - Page 4

post #61 of 68
Congratulations on such big steps!
post #62 of 68
Thread Starter 
I told him last night that his refusal to take responsibility for his and her relationship is going to be the death of ours...he says he has done nothing wrong and that he's ready to split up.
If I won the lottery, I'd walk tomorrow, but we are deeply in debt and there is no way we could support two households at this time

I have done nothing but work since I moved here 14 yrs ago and have no friend network to rely on, just 2 couples he and I have been friends with. I am going to call them and tell them what is going on and ask if they would be willing to talk to him. It will be interesting to get their reactions.
If I am successful in my new business I could maybe start taking over the mortgage payments in March. I don't know how I will get through this until then, I just know I have to.
I'm going to take her and drive to see my family over Christmas, I guess...thanks again for giving me somewhere I can talk about all this
post #63 of 68
I'm so sorry it's finances that are keeping you together at this point... but good that he is ready to split as well -- that does make things easier... can the two of you really not support some cheap bachelor apartment somewhere? I know what it's like to just not have any extra money at all, and to be in debt, but maybe he can take a second job and move out?

to you, I'm so sorry your marriage is breaking up, but once it's all said and done, you and your daughter will be so much happier... maybe your daughter could take a part-time job to get him out of the house?

just kidding...sort of...
post #64 of 68
Didn't read all the replies. This is from a step fathers point of view.


Your husband is still a person and as a person he is being irrational. We all get irrational at times.


He is irritated about something, or jealous about something about your daughter and from the sounds of it he never managed to form that father daughter bond, for whatever reason he sees her more as an equal and an adversary than someone to raise up and train to make good decisions in their life.

That isn't fair to your daughter.


You are right to be asking for help, but alot of the advice you will get are definitive responses to your specific complaints. This is 10 years in the making and you are only giving the mom's here a glimpse into the larger issues. So take any advice here, mine included, with a grain of salt and pick and choose from each of us what makes sense for you.




You need to set up guidelines with your husband, and I wouldn't include your daughter in these conversations because he is going to feel very neutered after you do this and chances are things will get worse before they get better.


Guidelines:

Since he hasn't bonded in the father daughter sense he loses all parenting privilages. He needs to treat her as he would treat any other adult and they BOTH need to work on getting respect back for one another as peers in the sense that they have to live together.


He should have consequences for blowing up on her, behind the scenes that he agrees to. Kids have quarter jobs for dropping swear words. Find an equivlant until he can unlearn the bad habit of blowing up on her.


As an equal he needs to not tattle, good luck on this one. chances are someone who tattles on a thirteen year old is the type of person to tattle on anyone they can. It is a habit learned in childhood and I don't think it can be broken. So if he can't put an end to this then you need to train yourself to listen to him and then ignore it. And if he asks you what you plan to do about what he just tattled about? Routinely respond with 'nothing' or the equivlant of.





Basically what it boils down to is if he hasn't learned by now how to be a constructive parent, he may never learn. My step dad never learned but come to find out he is a much better grandpa then he ever was a father. My mother put borders up and he was never allowed to discipline us kids. In any way shape or form.


Sorry you are going through this situation but if everyone involved can't learn to to be respectful of eachother then you may need to take the firm line of 'my daughter isn't going anywhere, can't say the same about you' that some of the other ladies here have already brought up. But to me that is a last resort, because you have to follow through if he doesnt change or else your daughter is going to be raised in a volotile situation until she moves out.




Take everything I said with a grain of salt and more as suggestions than any real advice. But your husband is out of line. he is an adult. It is time he started acting like it. If we all deteriorated into 14 year olds at conflicts?..... no good.
post #65 of 68
"I'm going to take her and drive to see my family over Christmas, I guess..."

Is there any chance whatsoever that you can go back home for Christmas and STAY there? Just file for divorce and walk away from it all? Get a new job, forget the mortgage and any other joint expenses, get an apartment and ask your family to lend support in any way they can and just LEAVE?

I realize you've been putting money into that house for years, and that it would suck to lose it. But you can force a sale (or him to buy you out) in the course of the divorce, right? This is obviously a question for a lawyer.

If it's cc debt, I'm sure that will also get divided up in the course of a divorce. But at least you'd be responsible for just a set portion of it, and you wouldn't be living with this guy.
post #66 of 68
Forget the debt. I believe that once you get out of there, you are going to just blossom with joy. It may be hard at times, but you will be OK. Better than OK, you will be

I know it sounds outrageous to say "forget the debt" -- but this is your life and your daughter's life you are talking about here. You can't get this time back. You can repair your credit later.
post #67 of 68
Updates? How are you guys doing?
post #68 of 68
Quote:
Originally Posted by lalaland42 View Post
Choose her and divorce him.

I am sorry you are in this situation.
I wish my father had done this for me. Instead he chose my stepmother, and our relationship is damaged beyond repair. He doesn't know his grandchild, needless to say.

Just my two cents from someone who was in your daughter's position. Big
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