student mama support group - Page 2

[mamaley]

we were both students until a little over a year ago. as far as the lifestyle went, i preferred it--sure we were poor, but our schedules were awesome! the worst part was that we both had homework to do. i think he's going back for his ph.d eventually, but surely i'll be done by then!

Greaseball, i don't have extra time on campus either, and it can make doing things really tricky, like visits to the library and whatnot.

it can all be kind of stressful. i have a couple of papers that i'm supposed to be writing that i have no idea what direction i want to take them in.

[Annoia]

my dh is also a student. This semester is a pain, but I can't wait until the vacation! Winter break was awsome this year, with both of us having a month off.

[june'smom]

My classes are also much harder than I thought they were going to be, plus I just can't seem to think straight. I can't articulate my thoughts. I am sooo frustrated. I have always been a super perfectionist when it comes to school and I don't know how I am going to handle these classes. I am about ready to either quit or go crazy.

What was I thinking going to school with a little baby?

Louise
mama to juniper
wife to ben

[Aura_Kitten]

I just can't seem to think straight. I can't articulate my thoughts.

i'm going through that too! and i know it's only going to be worse after i have the new baby, and that's the biggest thing keeping me from wholeheartedly making the decision to go to school in the fall. how old is your little one?

[june'smom]

June is 7 mos. I am sooo frustrated with havign to go to school. I loved it before and now I feel like I am being a bad mom. Plus I am doing really poorly in my classes so it feels like a waste.

What to do, what to do?
louise
mama to juniper
wife to ben

[mamaley]

don't have a lot of time to type, but i have that same problem, june. my baby is 4 months and it's hard to write papers for some reason. i was worse with my son, thank goodness it's not as bad this time.

[aussiemum]

Okay Louise, I think it's time to take stock of where you're at, so to speak. How far into the semester are you- a month or so? If you really want to take a break this semester, you need to find out whether or not you can get some sort of tuition refund. If funds are tight this is probably going to drive your decision somewhat...... but remember no matter what, losing a bit of $ is not as important as preserving your sanity!!

Are the classes you are currently taking available another term? How far will it set you back? A year or so? Not such a long time in the grand scheme of things.

Are you going to be able to afford to be at home full-time, or will you need to get pt work? Can you make your dp's salary stretch to cover you? Can you get family or friends to help out with childcare?

Your uni should have some sort of advising office, & also some sort of counselling & support available for parents who are trying to do uni as well. If you haven't already, I think you should talk to these folks- hopefully they can help.

You can do this! You can make a change if you really feel that you need to do this. It's important to take a really hard look at where you want to be & follow your heart. On a personal note, I'm trying to do the same thing right now (drop back to part-time in my case), because if I don't I'm going to lose it & quit the whole thing altogether. It takes a bit of chasing around to make it happen but I think it will be worth it. And don't be afraid to sling June & take her along to these various places while you're trying to work it out. I have dragged my ds (3.5) from research office to the head of school's office many times, & quite frankly I think the university system should be flexible & get used to the idea that parents go to school. I should also add that I have a friendly dept. & they've been really good to me. You should expect that from your Uni as well.

Whew! That's a long one! Let me know what you think.

[mamaley]

& quite frankly I think the university system should be flexible & get used to the idea that parents go to school

amen!!

[june'smom]

OK so here's the problem with cutting back my credits, my dh lost his job for no apparent reason last month and my financial aid is what is paying the bills. Plus, I am doing research with a faculty member, so I ahve to be a student to finish it.
I agree that the university should be more accomodating to parents, but mine is not very much so right now. The only child care option is for kids over 2 and June is only 7 mo.

I am just really having a hard time because I used to love going to school so much and I really am too much of a perfectionist. I am feeling disappointed that I am not able to juggle as much as I thought I could. In addition, dh is not doing the house stuff for god only knows what reason, so that is just not getting done. I have a bad habit of taking on more than I should and then not allowing myself to back out. I really need to work on that. But I want to feel like I can do this. My dream is to go on to post doctoral work and if I can't even do this, I don't even want to think about how hard that will be.
This week is particularly bad because I have 2 very bad exams and I will be lucky if I can pass either of them (yet here I am not doing school work)

I really don't want to quit. I want some magic wonderful answer to come out of nowhere and fix everything:

Louise
mama to juniper
wife to ben

[june'smom]

I also want to add a big fat thank you for your thoughts and helpful suggestions. I really appreciate them all.
Louise

[Aura_Kitten]

I want some magic wonderful answer to come out of nowhere and fix everything

yeah i'm still waiting for the magick faeries to come and make everything easier for us too......





looks like we're going to have to do this on our own... :LOL

[aussiemum]

Okay, so if you really don't want to quit then you shouldn't! DH is doing the stay at home thing, right? He may be feeling a little overwhelmed with losing his job, & now being at home full-time. Still, he needs to get in gear- maybe you guys can decide on what is minimum housework that you can live with ie: dishes done & sink clear, do a load of laundry, beds made & maybe at least a plan for dinner. Whatever works for you both. We're having issues with this at my house too, you're not alone!

Have you made friends with a breast pump yet? This could be key to you getting more time at Uni to do your work, without having to listen to your bub crying outside the classroom. IMO, when you are at Uni you don't need distractions (sorry, that sounds so harsh to say about your little one, but just be hard-nosed for a second, okay?)

Can't comment on the perfectionism- I have been known to agonise over a single sentence for ages. Don't even talk to me about just sucking up & doing my lit review & seminar. I'm hopeless at it right now, & the clock is ticking...... week after week....

I've also got a big fat case of the sh*ts with feminism & the 'superwoman' syndrome. Repeat after me. Women who have 6 kids, hold down a high-powered CEO job & then write a book about how great their life is & how easy it is if you organise ARE NOT NORMAL PEOPLE!!!! (IMO). Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I have a choice to work/study, but it's a lot harder than our 70's sisters made it out to be.

What is your field of study? It sounds like you are on to something good. I know it can be really difficult to pass up these kind of opportunities (& why should you have to?)

True story: DD was convinced that we could buy a fairy wand at the shops that would be able to do real magic. I tried to break the truth gently to her but in the end I said 'Honey, if I could buy you a magic wand like that I would. But don't you think mama would have already bought one if they really truly did exist?' She agreed.

[Aura_Kitten]

i know this wasn't directed at me, but...

Have you made friends with a breast pump yet?

... can you recommend one please?

[aussiemum]

Sorry lovey, I was miserable at breastfeeding- hospitals & FTT & growth charts & all that . I did use the Avent Isis when I was trying to pump to increase my supply (trying to simulate having twins!). I found that it made my wrists very sore because I was pumping for hours & hours each day for about 30 mils. It took a few months of that to get RSI tho, so I suspect that wouldn't happen to most. However, I have had friends who have really liked the Isis & it worked well for them. Have a lurk over in the breastfeeding boards- I'll bet they've got some good suggestions .

[Aura_Kitten]

ah, ok, thanks. i just thought maybe you had one you really liked that was good for school/work/away from home.

i had one that was a manual one -- i think it was medela -- that didn't work at all for me. but then, i also had problems w/ my milk coming in at all, but even when it came in, i wasn't able to express *any* with the breastpump. more leaked out of my breasts while i was just sitting around than i could get out using that dumb pump. :LOL

i'd like to get a good electric one this time around but really, i'm not too keen on the idea of breastpumps in general. i'd rather just nurse her.... ya know?

[Greaseball]

I have also had it and would like to quit, but with less than a month until finals are over it wouldn't make sense. I'd just have to take these same classes all over again later.

My financial aid is also paying the bills, and if I'm out of school for more than 6 months I have to start repaying my loans, so I am kind of locked in.

But I think I will not go back in the fall, when dh's last term is. I can't handle the two of us being students together and neglecting dd.

I went to the first meeting of the Student Parent Association last weekend and it was WEIRD!! First of all, only 2 other people showed up besides me and the president. Then I find the university won't recognize us as a club, because "we don't have enough members." I know there are more than just 4 student parents; the student childcare centers have waiting lists of more than a year!

Then I find out that since I'm married, I don't qualify for any scholarship, and that another single parent received one for $30,000 a year that renews each year she is in school! If she gets married before she graduates, she loses the scholarship.

It was supposed to be a potluck, and the president brings 5 different cakes and pies! She also brought two huge baking pans full of corn on the cob, which was all cold and shriveled. No one brought paper plates or anything to drink, so she made sugar water.: I had also brought a dessert, so we had more desserts than people there, and then someone brought a plate of tacos.

So I'll give it a chance, but it was still weird...

[Aura_Kitten]

It was supposed to be a potluck, and the president brings 5 different cakes and pies! She also brought two huge baking pans full of corn on the cob, which was all cold and shriveled. No one brought paper plates or anything to drink, so she made sugar water. I had also brought a dessert, so we had more desserts than people there, and then someone brought a plate of tacos.

:LOL

[Greaseball]

I was the only one to get there on time. The president was already there, but when I saw all the cakes and pies I asked "How did these get here if no one else has come?" She explained she had brought all that, and said that she always brings "a little extra to potlucks!"

It's a good thing the tacos were there, because after 2 pieces of cake I was finished with dessert. I think she was the only one who drank the sugar-water.

Then she said that if all the desserts didn't get finished, she was going to throw them away! Only two of them were even tried. No one wanted to take them home, but I think we convinced her to just leave them in the room, someone else would want them!

I think she might be a bit weird. Not that there's anything wrong with that!

[Aura_Kitten]

She explained she had brought all that, and said that she always brings "a little extra to potlucks!"

why do so many people only bring dessert to potlucks? this one time i had this AMAZING casserole at a potluck... but unfortunately i've never had anything that good since. i don't even know what was in it... it was like... corn, and noodles and like this white sauce (?). the last three potlucks i went to almost everyone brought dessert foods (cookies, cakes, etc). luckily there was one lady there, Cindy, who's a lot like me... she brings stuff like pumpkin soup and curried eggs. there is hope for the world yet.

Then she said that if all the desserts didn't get finished, she was going to throw them away!

a lot of people i know who put on potlucks do stuff like that, and it really irks me. there are other people in the world who are hungry!!

gosh this has made me hungry.

the student parent association sounds like a good idea... what are your goals?

[Greaseball]

I just wanted to meet other parents, and see if there are things they do to make their lives easier that I hadn't thought of. Also to get scholarship info, though I haven't found one yet that isn't just for single parents.

I was also hoping I could meet people who think that supporting student parents means more than just subsiziding daycare.