Alfie Kohn Article in NYTimes :)

[umsami]

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/15/he...tml?ref=health

"When a Parent's Love Comes with Conditions..."

[columbusmomma]

thanks for the read

[Violet2]

I want to be a fly on the wall at Kohn's house to see exactly how he manages to be unconditional 24/7. Failing that, I want to steal his home movies.

I like UP. I like GD. It's what I aspire to as a parent. But sometimes theory and reality don't mix, kwim?

The only way I got us out of the house and on the road today was by asking DD if she needed a 'break' in her crib after she melted into a puddle of oppositional defiance at my efforts to get us out of the freaking house. She said 'no' and finally got up and came to the van.

V

[txbikegrrl]

Interesting. As for the time out or crib example (which I sometimes use with DS too) it seems a matter of application. I don't stop loving DS and hopefully he doesn't stop loving me because he needs a break and time to regroup emotionally. It is a safe place for him, in fact he doesn't want to transition to the "big boy bed" he was excited about in theory but not to actually sleep in it and we'll need the crib soon:0 He's only 2.25 so we can't go into long explanations of consequences i(like no dinner) f we don't go to the store right now, etc. But in the future I do expect to have him help come up with routines, have input into family functions, be able to express different opinions and not love him less.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by Violet2

I want to be a fly on the wall at Kohn's house to see exactly how he manages to be unconditional 24/7. Failing that, I want to steal his home movies.

I like UP. I like GD. It's what I aspire to as a parent. But sometimes theory and reality don't mix, kwim?

The only way I got us out of the house and on the road today was by asking DD if she needed a 'break' in her crib after she melted into a puddle of oppositional defiance at my efforts to get us out of the freaking house. She said 'no' and finally got up and came to the van.

V

Don't worry; I doubt Dr. Phil applied his theories every single time and I don't believe Jo Frost has kids of her own? Any ideal is always just that - an ideal. I found the heart of the piece - that positive rewards are just as behaviourist as negative ones - a good reminder. It doesn't mean I'll never offer a bribe; it just means I won't make it the core of our relationship. Or try not to. 4 is challenging.

[aravinda]

I have posted this comment on the NY Times site:

Dear Alfie Kohn, thanks for speaking up for Unconditional Parenting. I guess I am surprised to see that it encounters this much resistance “even” in the New York Times.

One most important point I took home from your book is, in the event of misbehavior, respond to your child, not to bystanders. When I have shared this advice with others, their wide-eyed sighs of gratitude show that people crave permission to do this and many other things you advise to support autonomy (esp, “avoid rushing”). These techniques really do work. We don’t need to demean ourselves or our children by resorting to bribes, law-enforcement via time-outs, counting, and other ways we maintain the upper hand. We really can explain and be answerable and flexible, thus modeling responsible behaviour.

I thank you for your clear message on praise. When my daughter was just 20 months old I held back (with great difficulty, I might add) from “praising” a drawing she had made, remaining silent long enough to hear her observe, “mountains.” From that day I was sold.

To be honest, when I read _Unconditional Parenting_ 3-4 years ago, I called it a “dumbed down version of the Continuum Concept” — not to dismiss “for dummies” books. Having lived among indigenous communities in India, I could relate to some of the observations Liedloff made about family relationships among the Yecuana, and bristled at what I read as your attempts to translate these into lessons fitting a suburban middle-class consumer lifestyle.

Still, in a world where we are surrounded by people ready to accuse us of being permissive, not-disciplining when we are actually cultivating inner discipline, it helps to have an expert like you to reassure us and remind us that there is evidence to support our approach.

Of course I get evidence of this every day. People might call me biased :-). But if I did not see my child growing more capable of making responsible choices, expressing compassion, and learning from mistakes, from where would I get the patience to keep up? It takes a lot of time to listen, answer, explain, give her a role in decision making, explain some more, try to see things from her perspective. It also takes considerable faith to recognize that there is something to learn from a tantrum - both for the child and parent. Much of what we learn goes towards preventing the conditions that lead to the tantrum, since often they are in our control. But no matter what we do, there are times when life does not make sense. A tantrum is one honest response to this — till we can build inner reserves of confidence in ourselves against the abyss - the absurdity of life, the unquenchable why, what if … We would do well to acknowledge and respect this process rather than silence or apologize for it.

[klk197]

Originally Posted by aravinda

I have posted this comment on the NY Times site:

Dear Alfie Kohn, thanks for speaking up for Unconditional Parenting. I guess I am surprised to see that it encounters this much resistance “even” in the New York Times.

At least some of the 'resistance' to this article is that, compared to the book, its vague. After we both read the book, my husband and I are committed to working in a UP way with our DS. I immediately wanted to forward this article to my parents to get them on board (they are supportive of the decisions we make for our DS) but decided to hold off. It just skims the surface (a fault of the format, not the ideas) and without all of Kohn's excellent research to support it, a 'devil's advocate' could have lots of questions or doubts. I recently purchased the DVD, and once my husband and I find a moment to watch and discuss, I will then pass that along to others in our family. I'm hoping this approach will be the least intimidating to these ideas while getting the big picture.

I'm also hoping that my parents see the article on their own and forward it to me as something they think I'd be interested in--then I'd know they are really catching on. Fingers crossed!