Background: I'm 21 weeks pregnant and we found out we're having a son. WWIII hit the night before the u/s to find out we were having a boy re: circ. Anyway, we decided to not discuss it until we could both cool off - it's been about two weeks now. So, I wrote this letter (and have printed off copies of certain things - you'll figure out which ones if you read this) to get the ball rolling.
I'm looking for feedback or things to add to the letter to make my point. If some things don't make much sense please let me know so I can edit. You *do* need to know that threats, threatening language, bullying language, etc won't work with my husband (not that I would use them anyway) so I'm trying to keep it factual - with the exception of the Mama Bear point.
Also, one last point, I've actually had women on MDC tell me to leave my husband for considering to inflict "abuse" on them regarding RIC. It won't happen. And I'm not interested in hearing it again. I'm looking for guidance, pleaseandthankyou!
Thanks.
***
Paul,
Since this circumcision issue is such an “elephant in the middle of the room” for us I thought it might be easier for me to explain my reasoning on paper and then you can read it without us going to our defensive sides. I really, really don’t want this to cloud over the remaining 18 weeks of my pregnancy. After all, it’s been an amazing feeling of carrying our son and I want the positive energy to continue.
Here are my main reasons for keeping our son intact:
Autonomy – Much like we didn’t alter Corbin’s appearance following her birth, I don’t find it fair to do to any other children we might have. I truly believe that infants are born perfect. Yes, they might have crinkled noses or flat feet or any other list of body parts that don’t socially appear “beautiful”, but that is what makes that child that child. I simply don’t believe we have a right to alter a child’s body without their permission (barring medical need, of course). My body is mine. Your body is yours. Corbin’s body is hers. Our son’s body is his to decide alterations when he’s of a legal age to do so.
The Purpose of the Foreskin – Please look at the article from CIRP called “Foreskin Sexual Function/Circumcision Sexual Dysfunction” to see why the foreskin is necessary. I’ve heard quips about it being similar to the appendix, but it’s not. It’s very much a needed part of the sexual anatomy. I know it’s strange to think about, as parents, but this child will be under our care for only a very brief time of his entire life. He will grow up to be a man and a sexual being. It’s important that he is equipped to be a good sexual partner.
Easy to Clean – Please look at the article “Newborns: Care of the Uncircumcised Penis” to see that caring for his intact penis during diaper changes and/or baths requires no extra care. In fact, washing his genitals with water daily should do the trick because his foreskin protects his glans from urine and feces. I do know that you felt strongly about adult smegma and I do want to validate that point. The counterpoint is that the two of us, as adults, don’t always smell like roses, either, but it’s nothing that a quick shower can’t fix. Adult, intact penises also just need a daily cleaning.
Intact Penises are Normal – The World Health Organization estimates that 70% of the male population is intact. It’s very normal. Now, I know you and I know that you couldn’t care less about the rest of the world’s penises so we can bring this back to the United States. The newest article describing circumcision rates in this country is from 1/21/2008 (see “U.S. Circumcision Rates Vary By Region”) to show that, “Nationwide, about 56 percent of newborn boys - - 1.2 million infants - - were circumcised.” I was there when you asked Dr. Mimlitz and he responded with “99% of the boys I deliver are circumcised.” That might be true for him, but that’s not the norm. Just going by the article, barely over half of boys are circumcised these days. You brought up our son being teased in school and in sports for “looking different” from his peers, but he won’t be alone. Plus, this article is from nearly two years ago and it’s very possible that the rates of intact boys will continue to rise making our son’s intact penis the majority.
Medical Institutions – Not one medical institution recommends routine infant circumcision. I can provide the link to see that worldwide it is not recommended, but, again, let’s just stick with American medical organizations:
USA: (AAFP) "The current (2002) statement also emphasizes lack of therapeutic benefit and likens neonatal circumcision to a "cosmetic" procedure and expresses ethical concerns about non-therapeutic neonatal circumcision"
(AMA) "The statement calls for the re-training of American physicians and improved information to parents in hopes of reducing the unacceptably high rate of non-therapeutic neonatal circumcision."
(AAP) "the procedure is not essential to the child's current well-being, parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child."
Mama Bear – Just like any animal, I have the instinct to protect. I did/do so with Corbin in the chemicals that go into her body (vaccinations, foods, etc), how she is safely tucked into a top of the line car seat, the fibers that touch her body in her clothing, etc. It can’t be disproven that I would do anything to protect her. The same is true for our son. I watch what I’m doing during pregnancy as to not harm him or cause any unnecessary fetal stress. Therefore, when the idea of circumcision comes up my natural instinct to push back because I do not like the idea of him being tied down, screaming, having his foreskin that is fused to his glans ripped back* and cut off. All the while this is done in a room with people he doesn’t know and don’t care about him. Just sitting here typing this I’m tearing up thinking about it…about the pain that would be inflicted upon his tiny little body. It’s truly impossible for me to think about looking at his amazing body right after his birth – remember counting Corbin’s fingers and toes, marveling at her adorable nose, having our breath taken away at her perfection? – and then saying “yeah, that part of his body is ugly and needs to be removed…and we’re not leaving until it’s done!” Circumcision is a cosmetic procedure that causes pain to infants – many of whom go into shock when it happens. It can’t be undone. Once this decision is made it’s there. Forever.
* Forcibly retracting a foreskin is the same as ripping the nail away from the nail bed.
There are some two things that I would like you to see before we discuss this again.
1.One is Penn and Teller’s Bullshit episode on circumcision. It’s free on youtube and I can direct you to it.
2.Another is a website that is fairly graphic, but explains and shows the difference between sex with an intact man and with a circumcised man. It's sort of a Cinemax-y site so I wouldn't visit at work. Sex As Nature Intended It
Finally, there’s one other point that I want to add and I want to say this as gently as possible. I love you. I love your body and I love every aspect of it, including your penis. This is my piece and my thoughts of genital integrity, but it’s not to hurt you or how I feel about your sexual organs.
Angela
I'm looking for feedback or things to add to the letter to make my point. If some things don't make much sense please let me know so I can edit. You *do* need to know that threats, threatening language, bullying language, etc won't work with my husband (not that I would use them anyway) so I'm trying to keep it factual - with the exception of the Mama Bear point.
Also, one last point, I've actually had women on MDC tell me to leave my husband for considering to inflict "abuse" on them regarding RIC. It won't happen. And I'm not interested in hearing it again. I'm looking for guidance, pleaseandthankyou!
Thanks.
***
Paul,
Since this circumcision issue is such an “elephant in the middle of the room” for us I thought it might be easier for me to explain my reasoning on paper and then you can read it without us going to our defensive sides. I really, really don’t want this to cloud over the remaining 18 weeks of my pregnancy. After all, it’s been an amazing feeling of carrying our son and I want the positive energy to continue.
Here are my main reasons for keeping our son intact:
Autonomy – Much like we didn’t alter Corbin’s appearance following her birth, I don’t find it fair to do to any other children we might have. I truly believe that infants are born perfect. Yes, they might have crinkled noses or flat feet or any other list of body parts that don’t socially appear “beautiful”, but that is what makes that child that child. I simply don’t believe we have a right to alter a child’s body without their permission (barring medical need, of course). My body is mine. Your body is yours. Corbin’s body is hers. Our son’s body is his to decide alterations when he’s of a legal age to do so.
The Purpose of the Foreskin – Please look at the article from CIRP called “Foreskin Sexual Function/Circumcision Sexual Dysfunction” to see why the foreskin is necessary. I’ve heard quips about it being similar to the appendix, but it’s not. It’s very much a needed part of the sexual anatomy. I know it’s strange to think about, as parents, but this child will be under our care for only a very brief time of his entire life. He will grow up to be a man and a sexual being. It’s important that he is equipped to be a good sexual partner.
Easy to Clean – Please look at the article “Newborns: Care of the Uncircumcised Penis” to see that caring for his intact penis during diaper changes and/or baths requires no extra care. In fact, washing his genitals with water daily should do the trick because his foreskin protects his glans from urine and feces. I do know that you felt strongly about adult smegma and I do want to validate that point. The counterpoint is that the two of us, as adults, don’t always smell like roses, either, but it’s nothing that a quick shower can’t fix. Adult, intact penises also just need a daily cleaning.
Intact Penises are Normal – The World Health Organization estimates that 70% of the male population is intact. It’s very normal. Now, I know you and I know that you couldn’t care less about the rest of the world’s penises so we can bring this back to the United States. The newest article describing circumcision rates in this country is from 1/21/2008 (see “U.S. Circumcision Rates Vary By Region”) to show that, “Nationwide, about 56 percent of newborn boys - - 1.2 million infants - - were circumcised.” I was there when you asked Dr. Mimlitz and he responded with “99% of the boys I deliver are circumcised.” That might be true for him, but that’s not the norm. Just going by the article, barely over half of boys are circumcised these days. You brought up our son being teased in school and in sports for “looking different” from his peers, but he won’t be alone. Plus, this article is from nearly two years ago and it’s very possible that the rates of intact boys will continue to rise making our son’s intact penis the majority.
Medical Institutions – Not one medical institution recommends routine infant circumcision. I can provide the link to see that worldwide it is not recommended, but, again, let’s just stick with American medical organizations:
USA: (AAFP) "The current (2002) statement also emphasizes lack of therapeutic benefit and likens neonatal circumcision to a "cosmetic" procedure and expresses ethical concerns about non-therapeutic neonatal circumcision"
(AMA) "The statement calls for the re-training of American physicians and improved information to parents in hopes of reducing the unacceptably high rate of non-therapeutic neonatal circumcision."
(AAP) "the procedure is not essential to the child's current well-being, parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child."
Mama Bear – Just like any animal, I have the instinct to protect. I did/do so with Corbin in the chemicals that go into her body (vaccinations, foods, etc), how she is safely tucked into a top of the line car seat, the fibers that touch her body in her clothing, etc. It can’t be disproven that I would do anything to protect her. The same is true for our son. I watch what I’m doing during pregnancy as to not harm him or cause any unnecessary fetal stress. Therefore, when the idea of circumcision comes up my natural instinct to push back because I do not like the idea of him being tied down, screaming, having his foreskin that is fused to his glans ripped back* and cut off. All the while this is done in a room with people he doesn’t know and don’t care about him. Just sitting here typing this I’m tearing up thinking about it…about the pain that would be inflicted upon his tiny little body. It’s truly impossible for me to think about looking at his amazing body right after his birth – remember counting Corbin’s fingers and toes, marveling at her adorable nose, having our breath taken away at her perfection? – and then saying “yeah, that part of his body is ugly and needs to be removed…and we’re not leaving until it’s done!” Circumcision is a cosmetic procedure that causes pain to infants – many of whom go into shock when it happens. It can’t be undone. Once this decision is made it’s there. Forever.
* Forcibly retracting a foreskin is the same as ripping the nail away from the nail bed.
There are some two things that I would like you to see before we discuss this again.
1.One is Penn and Teller’s Bullshit episode on circumcision. It’s free on youtube and I can direct you to it.
2.Another is a website that is fairly graphic, but explains and shows the difference between sex with an intact man and with a circumcised man. It's sort of a Cinemax-y site so I wouldn't visit at work. Sex As Nature Intended It
Finally, there’s one other point that I want to add and I want to say this as gently as possible. I love you. I love your body and I love every aspect of it, including your penis. This is my piece and my thoughts of genital integrity, but it’s not to hurt you or how I feel about your sexual organs.
Angela
But that the child should have the option to change parts of their body if they want to when they are older - and it shouldn't be forced on them. He agreed with me, and our boy is intact. I would have fought tooth and nail for it though, just glad I didn't have to do that.
: If he's not bothered by your smegma, maybe he should rethink the whole idea of smegma to begin with.
For some it isnt the way to go but for a lot of others it works really well.
