night weaning a 3.5 yo - help!

[dunicakes]

Hi! I am currently tandem nursing a newborn and a 3.5 yo. The toddler used to wake up sometimes at night before the baby was born and ask to nurse, but now she started doing it all the time and more than once a night. I am exhausted and sore and want to stop nursing the older child at night, but she is VERY attached to the idea of nursing whenever she wants and last night she threw a complete fit that lasted for two hours when my husband went to her instead. In the end I had to nurse her. Does anyone have any ideas? All the suggestions I find would work better with a 1yo (e.g. have the father carry the child around)...

[TonyaW]

I got my son to stop night nursing, but for the life of me I can't remember when. Maybe 3-6 months ago. He will be 3 in December.

I simply had a discussion with him beforehand. I told him that waking me up to nurse made me really tired and that we were going to wait and nurse when the sun comes up. He still woke up for a couple of nights and asked, but I said remember we will nurse when the sun comes up. He fussed a bit, but no major crying. It only to a couple of nights. Sometimes he will still wake up and ask, but I tell him we have to wait until the sun comes up and he usually will lay down.

That is what worked for me. Though, I would think it depends on each child for sure.

[LadyCatherine185]

No BTDT advice, because my DS is only 1, but I do have a 3.5 yo neice. At that age, you can definitely talk to/reason with them. I would have a discussion during the daytime hours that "milkies" (or whatever you call them) are only for daytime now, and when the sun goes down she cannot have them because they are "sleeping." I would give her a snack before bed, and make sure you have a cup of water for her during the night in case she is thirsty, and just be firm about it. You could try having your DH take over with her too, just have him lay with her and rub her back,etc. If she wants you though, you could still cuddle her, just don't nurse. I am sure it won't take very long for her to understand that she simply can't nurse at night.

Good for you for nursing her this long, and tandeming! Nursing a newborn at night is exhausting enough, and your daughter is plenty old to understand that mommy and milkies need to sleep as much as possible at night, and that she can have a sip of water and cuddles instead. good luck mama!

[dunicakes]

Thanks!

Thanks to both of you for your advice. I have been working on things with my daughter and what I've worked out for right now is that she can nurse once during the night, but that she has to stop when I say, "Ok, let's wrap up! Last ten sucks..." and count to ten. (Before she would want to nurse for as long as half an hour.) So, I nurse her for about five or ten minutes, and then I send my husband to take care of her. She has accepted this and now goes right back to sleep. (The first few nights, after I left, she was bereft and stayed up for as long as two hours asking for me.) This seems to be the best I can do for now, without causing my dd too much distress. She can certainly understand about my needing to be with the newborn on an intellectual level, but it's very hard for her to accept emotionally... She says, "But my tummy wants your milk! My tummy doesn't understand that we have two kids in the family now!" Since I'm a softie, this makes it impossible for me not to nurse her at all. Anyway, thanks, again!

[coleslaw]

While I totally get why you would want to do this - I too have a almost 3.5 yo who wakes me up to nurse and he's not my first - I think the timing may not work. If you can handle it, wait a little longer until she gets used to the new person in the house. It may be harder to wean her than it normally would and may make her feel unwanted and put off. I only come from my own family's point of view and how my daughter reacted. Of course, you daughter and situation may be very different with temperment. I certainly don't want to put any guilt on you for feeling the way you do. We have enough of that as moms and it is not my intention. If you you can really take no more, definitely talk it through in the day time. Maybe talk to her about how Daddy will help her in the night until the sun comes up. A "Mommy does better when she gets a good night sleep" talk may help and see how that goes. I wish you the best and may try some of these myself!

[jojoboy]

I totally weaned my son shortly after the birth of my second baby. I have total respect for all tandem nursers out there, but I just couldn't do it.

I talked to him, explained it, and then just told him the new system. The only other advice I have is that consistency is really important when you're trying to make a change like this. It's really confusing for your child to have you say one thing and then act another. Or for you to let her nurse one night for as long as she wants, and then the next night have different expectations of her behavior. Decide what you want to do and then do it.

It's still a change, my kid did complain, but after a while, the new method becomes routine and they get used to it.

Oh - I also was sure to make time during the day to be with my first son while not nursing, so that baby wasn't getting all my attention. I think that helped us too.