guilty mommy

[heartandhands]

i have been so impatient with DD lately. she is 21 months and testing all boundaries. she is a spirited child -bigtime!

i just feel like so many things over the course of a day build up and irritate the heck out of me. i get so impatient with her. i have yelled at her often. maybe more like raised my voice not full off yelled but still. i feel horrible about it. every time i'm not around her, i miss her like crazy and then once i am around her for a short time (sometimes) i just feel like losing it.

how do you all handle a toddler who is headstrong and refuses to:
sit in a chair to eat (she must stand)
sit in a stroller or grocery cart
brush her teeth
get dressed
allow me to change her diaper

seriously, all of this is driving me crazy. please help.

we are ttc and sometimes i think i am not cut out for this. isnt that awful to say? i know it's just a bad day but....just needing suggestions. thanks!

p.s. i have how to raise your kids without raising your voice. i also have raising the spirited child and parenting through love and connection not coercion. i have leafed through these but have not had the will/energy/time to sit down and fully engage in them. maybe all the answers are in there. problem is, that i was raised by strictly yelling and that is about it....so it's a go-to parenting style for me. i hate that and i want to change it!

thanks in advance

[gillibean]

Some people may disagree with my techniques but they work for us and I find that they actually keep me much more calm and pleasant so I'm not all mad and yelling.

For changing the diaper I put them on the floor on their back. I sit near their feet and pin their shoulders with my feet. Diaper changes go much better like that, I'm not frustrated at all so I can keep upbeat and pleasant about it. Seeing that the alternative would result in greater frustration and negative feelings, I feel that this is much better.

I have also been known to use a headlock or a technique similar to the diaper-changing one for brushing teeth. This actually allows me to be much more gentle than I might otherwise be if I was trying to chase her.

The thing is, she has to have her diaper changed and her teeth brushed. In my opinion, those are health issues. She can either cooperate or not but if she chooses not to cooperate I will do it in the way that gets it done the fastest and least stressful.

Getting dressed isn't a battle I really fight. If we're going out I make sure she's dressed but around home I don't force the issue. Standing to eat is another issue that I don't fight. She has used a regular dining room chair for a while now and is happier standing there than sitting in a booster seat.

I'm not sure about advice for a stroller or grocery cart. I usually wear her when we go for walks and we go shopping so rarely that it's usually a treat for her to sit in a cart. One thing I remember doing a few times is to let her sit in the big part of the cart. She thought that was cool. A lot of times I wear her when we go shopping too just so it won't be an issue.

[AbbeyShane]

Right there with you sister! Yesterday was a dark day for my kids and me (more my kids than me). So instead of knitting like I usually do when they are in bed I read. I read a couple pages of Connection Parenting and I only got one piece of concrete advice to put into practice. So that's ALL I'm trying right now. But it's piece that I didn't have yesterday and it has helped me already today. It's so small, but that's all this HUMAN can handle! Actually, I would suggest that you put your darling offspring in her crib, or a straight jacket and read the first two chapters of Connection Parenting. You will TRULY, TRULY be soothed by Pam Leo's words. Just take ONE thing away from it. That's all you can do. Take one thing! And when it's back to the grindstone you will have one more tool you didn't have. You can't get it ALL right, RIGHT now. Baby steps girl!

[ThreeJane]

ZOMG I am laughing, i thought I was only one to use my feet to restrain a baby who doesn't want to be changed. I (carefully) use this technique on my 7 month old, who prefers to roll around - everywhere - no matter what's on her butt (diaper, no diaper, loaded with poop, loaded with diaper rash stuff). I usually give her the "one special toy" to play with while I change her, which is ONLY for diaper changing, but if she doesn't want it, out come the feet!

I think I'm part monkey!

[Dandelionkid]

That feet thing is great! I always get the older kids to hold her hands or they get all poopy but I will try the feet thing next time.
OP- sounds like you really need to pick your battles. Look at your list and see if there are any of them that you can compromise or work creatively with. For instance, let her brush her own teeth first then mommy (or tell her there are animals in there and you have to brush them away- then, as each of them get brushed you say "oh there goes the lion- silly lion!" I learned that one here and it was really great!), let her sit in the big part of the cart or let her walk until she starts not listening and then put her up- bring some books for her to read. etc etc!!

[Nancy08]

Wow. I've learned from all your stories.
I haven't experience that with my kids, I just to thank you all because somehow it gives me tips on how to deal with my kids later.

It is important to remember that you may not be doing anything wrong. All children are different and have different temperaments and developmental levels and a style of discipline that may work with other children may not work with yours.


_____________________
inspirational quotes || motivational quotes

[Violet2]

Yelling is not the end of the world. We all lose our cool sometimes. Here is what I would do with stubborn persistent behavior:

1. Not sitting--First, before the meal I would explain to my DD that I expect her to sit and wear a bib and not throw food on the floor. If she refused to sit, she would not eat. I would simply say 'people who are ready to eat, sit. You must not be ready. Let me know when you're hungry and want to sit down to eat.' I would bet you would have to do this for like a week before you saw any improvement.

2.Stroller/grocery cart-- Again explaining expectations beforehand so DD knows what the agenda is. 'We're going for a walk and you are riding in the stroller. We're going to the store and you're riding in the cart.' Also in the store, I get her a cheap magazine to page through first thing or hand her items to toss back in the cart. Or we sing songs or she holds my keys. Lots of distraction. Have a plan and know what you're going to do to keep her busy. If she's fussy, I just say, 'I know you're upset. I know you don't want to be in the cart but this is how we go to the store. We're almost done. Should we get bananas or kiwi?'

3. Brushing Teeth-- I used to give her the toothbrush in her high chair right after bfast and I sang a made up tooth brushing song. Now she brushes her teeth with me in the bathroom, she even gets some dental floss to play with and she thinks she's hot stuff now. I've also used dolls and had DD brush their teeth, then hers. Now whether or not her teeth are brushed well or if I get in there and brush is a different story, but we are building good habits.

4. Getting dressed/diaper. We have not had too many problems yet with this. DD is just learning to take things off and I mostly laugh and let her streak. But be sure you're getting dressed at the right time. There are moments in DD's day where she's more cooperative than others. Frex, I know changing her diaper first thing in the morning will be a breeze. Later, it may not.

As for the diapers, I say 'let's go change your diaper' and try to herd her toward the changing table. The second she's in the room, I shut the door (so she can't run) and I scoop her up to the table. If she won't go to her room, then I just leave the door open and chill. Sooner or later she sneaks back there and then I rush in to shut the door.

We also sing songs, tickle her belly, give her a book, count her toes, let her hold some wipes/ointment etc... If she's difficult, I will get stern with her because it's a safety issue (I don't want her to fall) and I don't want her to smear poop.

ETA: I also try to incorporate values. As in identifying for DD when she is helpful, cooperative and listening so when I tell her she needs to listen or she's not listening she kind of knows what that means. I've been known to say 'You're not being helpful. I need help, will you help me?' Sometimes it actually works!

HTH
V

[mamazee]

I'll give you what I did, not because I think it's the "right" way, but because it gives you more possibilities to consider:

sit in a chair to eat (she must stand): I would just let her stand, personally. She'll probably get tired of it and sit before too many meals pass by.

sit in a stroller or grocery cart: Have her walk? Give her the shopping list to hold for you? Give her little jobs to do, like "can you help me spot the tomatoes?" This somewhat depends on if there are other kids because it takes a lot of energy, and if there are other kids to watch too, won't necessarily work.

brush her teeth: I took my dd to the grocery store and had her choose what she thought was the coolest toothbrush on the planet. Also, I let her help me brush my teeth, and then I'd help her brush her teeth.

get dressed: This is a tricky one and we had trouble too. She would just want to run around in a diaper all the time, which was OK with us some of the time but then sometimes we had to go out. Does it help if she helps choose what she wears?

allow me to change her diaper: I put dd in cloth trainers at some point, like the pull-up kind, and would set her on the toilet to change her, and it got her used to sitting on the potty and I think helped with potty learning. Well, she started pooping in the toilet very early and I think this helped with that - she started holding the poop until she was sitting there - but it took ages and ages longer before she wouldn't pee in the diaper. My problem when I tried this was getting her to stay in one place, and having her sit on the potty kept her still. If that isn't your problem - like if it's an issue of just not wanting it changed - obviously that won't help. I think with my dd, at first just the novelty of asking her to sit there helped, too.

That was a hard age and it took a while before anything improved.

[Kimmyc2]

don't feel bad, we all have days like that! My DD went through and still does a lot of the same things. We just try really hard to come up with ways to make things seem more fun, interactive, sing songy, game like. Here's some things that have worked for us...

diaper changes: She sometimes runs from us and giggles when we mention a diaper change, we used to get all frustrated and just be like “come on, we need to change your diaper, explaining why”, now we giggle too and say things like, “where did she go? Anyone know? Let’s see…oh look I found this sack of potatoes, we better go clean it up (throwing her over our shoulder and taking her to the changing table). This is usually a hit and she cooperates through the diaper change. We also try to make a game of her holding her feet or touching them to her nose while we clean her up and singing songs. I also have a package of pull up diapers that she likes and we use sometimes when she’s in a potty using mood or if we are having a hard time with diaper changes. Sometimes she will cooperate if given the opportunity to pull her own diaper on after we wipe her clean.

Shopping cart: This is a big one for us. I am wearing her baby brother, so I like her to be secure in the seat. Most of the time she is against it now usually there are two things that work for us and keep the peace. I either let her sit in the seat and hold the list of what we need and talk to her about whats on it and then go searching for it. She’ll point it out and I’ll hand it to her to drop in the cart behind her (doesn’t work with all things but I’ll help with those). The second thing I found that works is asking if she wants to catch a ride on the side and she loves it. She will hold onto the cart and stand on the underneath part and I try to make the ride a little more fun. As long as I don’t stop for long periods of time to check stuff out, she is totally content hanging on (unless we get near the gerber snacks and then she’ll jump off to go grab the yogurt melts and beg for them, lol).

Tooth brushing: I felt like we had tried everything and it was always a fight until I read someone’s post the other day to let her brush my teeth and it totally worked! She brushed my teeth in excitement and then let me brush her teeth no problem afterwards and has let me the past 3 days without issue. She also asked for a tooth brush to brush her baby dolls teeth, which was great!

Some days are better than others and nothing works all the time. Good Luck!

[prothyraia]

My son was a bit older than that when we started saying "Do you want to do X or do you want mommy to do it for you?".

It works for absolutely everything. Seriously, everything. Almost every single time. If he doesn't do it right away and I take a half step towards him to do it for him, he jumps into action and does it himself. I do try to limit it to important things, mostly.

I get a little panicky when I think about what I'm going to do when he outgrows this stage