Toddler refuses to change his diaper

[liliaceae]

My son just turned 3 and for a while now he has refused to do anything we tell/ask him to do. His favorite word is "No!" One of the most challenging things he's been doing is refusing to change his diaper.

He completely lost interest in trying to use the potty months ago. And that's fine, I don't have a problem with him staying in diapers if that's what he needs. But he also refuses to change his diaper, even when he poops. He's been in disposables and he'll keep his wet diaper on all day long if we don't make him change it. Whenever I suggest changing his diaper, he yells "NO!" and screams and will run away if I come after him. Every diaper change is a fight, and I have to threaten/bribe/force him every time.

I figured I'd try just not changing his diaper, and let him experience the natural consequences. Ten hours later he had a soggy diaper falling off of him and diaper rash. I forced him to change it at that point, he said his bottom hurt, he knew it was because he left the diaper on too long. The next day he still wouldn't change his diaper. I tried using cloth diapers on him and he still leaves it on for hours, even though I know he can feel how wet it is. I tried telling him we couldn't afford diapers any more, so he had to wear underwear during the day. He went along with it fine, but he peed in his underwear every single time, then pooped in it and refused to change his poopy underwear. He said he liked peeing in his underwear. I've tried just letting him go naked, but he likes peeing on the floor, and he likes helping to clean it up.

I have no idea what to do. I'm sick of fighting about this. I can't let him sit in a wet/poopy diaper all day. I won't clean up after him every time he pees/poops in his underwear. Does anyone have any ideas? Please?

[jtbuko]

Encourage amazing moves to roll or spin onto a changing pad with special style?

Encourage lots of kicking or bicycle legs on back BEFORE the change, and let him decide when he is done kicking and ready for a change?

Change standing up by the toilet.

Those are a few things that gave my daughter some power over her diaper changes.

We also use timer on my phone a lot for just about anything we need to do. I offer it as we have to X, do you want to do it now or in two minutes? Kids usually choose two minutes and then when the time is up my phone plays a song and they are generally more agreeable. Part of what helps is the warning that X thing is about to happen and the other part is the power to choose (within parameters I offer) when it happens. The fact that the phone is a seemingly neutral third party in potential power struggles may help too

[Ellen Griswold]

How frustrating that sounds for all of you. We went through something similar at that age. Time was the best solution (which is, I'm sure, NOT what you want to hear) but I did have one trick that would sometimes work. I don't know if your ds is nursing or not, but mine could never resist the lure of the boob at that age, so I would change poopy diapers while nursing. Requires some flexibility and dangly breasts. I learned to do just wet ones in every imaginable position to let him continue playing. Good luck. Hope some others have some more ideas for you.

[LilacMama]

Yikes.

Can you do a diaper change routine (kindof like a bedtime routine), giving him as many choices as possible? "Do you want to change your diaper now or in five minutes?" "Do you want to change your diaper here or there?" Do you want to change your diaper laying down or standing?" "Do you want to wear the disney diapers or the truck diapers?" Maybe throw a diaper changing song in there (play it or sing it). Can there be a special diaper-time toy? Also, "Do you want to stay still for me or do I have to hold you down?"

I would hold him down by force (sit on him backwards or hold him down with my leg...whichever is easier) if need be, after trying to present the diaper routine and giving him plenty of options and opportunity to get things done peacefully. I would hope that eventually he would figure out that it was easier just to cooperate. I would be consistent -- diaper routine = diaper change, whether you scream and kick and fight or not.

[jtbuko]

Ellen G - You must be super bendy! We should all be so flexible!

[RasJi7]

Originally Posted by jtbuko

Ellen G - You must be super bendy! We should all be so flexible!

Or super dangly (like me) hehe I also have the amazing bendy boobs.

[Just1More]

My 2y4m old can understand things like, "See your diaper is falling off. It going to make a mess on the floor." Or, "It will make your bottom hurt." And he'll (my 2yo, not your 3 yo ) probably cooperate...but not always. He also often goes for, "But the clock says..." (It's bedtime, lunch time, or whatever). It's funny that a pp mentioned that, too. I thought it was just him. I do think it's the neutral 3rd party aspect. It's like he almost shrugs his shoulders and does it "because the clock says so."

But, and here's the most important one. He understands two more things. The first is that the more he escalates, the more I do, too. Terror tactics work. You know, he screams, I offer a toy. He screams and kicks, I throw in a snack. It goes on and on. Finally the diaper is changed, he collects the loot, and I sit back, exhausted waiting for the next time I have to change him. I got smarter.

(For the record, I'm using a diaper change as the issue, but that wasn't really ours. We've had similar issues on LOTS of other fronts, though. Same principle.)

Hey Buddy, it's time to change your diaper. (Insert refusing toddler language). Well, your diaper is all wet and it will make your bottom hurt. (Escalating refusing toddler language.) I'm sorry you don't want to, but see the clock? The clock says it's time for a diaper change. C'mon. Let's go. (Further protests from the toddler corner.) (My voice has been even and non-pleading with each statement.)

Here's where my parenting may diverge from the others...ymmv....

Well, I wanted to play (insert favorite activity, only one, mind you) with you, but I can't until your diaper is changed. You can't do anything else until we get that done because (it's going to rub your bottom and make it hurt or whatever legitimate reason). So, you sit here (gently but firnly putting him near me) while I do the (dishes or whatever). I don't have time today to argue with you, so you just sit there while I do this and let me know when you're ready to play (whatever it was).

Then, I gently but firmly put him back wherever it was I put him until he indicates he's ready for a diaper change. Then, I FINISH WHAT I WAS DOING, taking no more than 2 or 3 minutes about it, taking care NOT to make a big deal out of his being agreeable. "Oh, okay, you're ready to have your diaper changed and play with me. Good deal. Let me wash this one pan and then we'll be all set." And then I DO EXACTLY WHAT I SAID I'D DO. If, on the way, he gets grumpy again, I pick some other boring task I need to get done and make him sit there. I do all this amid whatever kicking and screaming is going on. They eventually get the idea.

So...to break down what I said....

1.) Make the issue NOT about him, just simply about what needs done.
2.) DO NOT let him capture all attention and employ terror tactics.
3.) DO NOT make a big deal about any of it, just be matter of fact.
4.) Love on your guy and have a good time when you get to the playing part. Don't make a big deal out of the diaper change. Just some little comment like, "I'm so glad we've taken care of this diaper. Now we can play." And leave it at that.

HTH. This approach has worked wonders for my little guy. He used to be AWFUL. He was SO stubborn. Turns out...he also understands his Mama is MORE stubborn than him. I can wait all day. And he knows it.

[Ellen Griswold]

Originally Posted by jtbuko

Ellen G - You must be super bendy! We should all be so flexible!

When my sister saw me do it, she dared me to post it on youtube.




Um, no.

[MommyofCS]

It's not unusual for BOYS to take up to 4-years-old to potty train. In my experience, you can sort of "lead" and "teach" them, but ultimately they won't do it until they're ready. And DON'T WORRY! Your son will get it eventually. You don't usually see grown men in diapes. LOL!

[Thisbirdwillfly]

I went through something similiar with my son with brushing his teeth. While usually he did great with choices, things go out of control on that issue. I finally took a completely different tact and while it was a tough first day, it very quickly became a new routine.

When he's in a calm state of mind, with a clean diaper, sit down with him and say something like this (it's a modified version of what I told my son), "Part of my job as your mom is make sure your whole body stays health. I've not been doing part of my job as well as I could have been and I'm sorry for that. From now on, when you have a wet/poopy diaper, we're going to change it right then. I'm going to set aside toy X and Y for you to play with only during those changes, so it will go quick for you. That's the new rule. I love you."

Then do it. And repeat a shortened version of your speech as nessicary, mine included a focus not on him but on his heath and how we cannot bend the rules on health. Honestly, my son seemed relieved that I took control of the situation. Within a short amount of time he was back to brushing his teeth on his own with a very short "follow up" by me to make sure we got all the teeth.

[alllyssa]

I think that there is only so much reasoning you should do with a 3 year old when it comes to something necessary like changing a diaper, getting in their carseat, or brushing teeth. The longer you drag it out and try to convince him that it's a good idea just prolongs the whole event.

Just do it.

And part of potty training is being uncomfortable being wet or at least noticing being wet. Letting him walk around in a soggy diaper all day is just making that the norm and, IMO, will make potty training harder.

Good luck,

[Llyra]

Originally Posted by alllyssa

I think that there is only so much reasoning you should do with a 3 year old when it comes to something necessary like changing a diaper, getting in their carseat, or brushing teeth. The longer you drag it out and try to convince him that it's a good idea just prolongs the whole event.

Just do it.

And part of potty training is being uncomfortable being wet or at least noticing being wet. Letting him walk around in a soggy diaper all day is just making that the norm and, IMO, will make potty training harder.

Good luck,

I feel this way too. For me, diaper changes are on the very short list of things that are non-negotiable in our house. Car seats, brushing teeth, and staying out of the road are others. When it comes to these things, I don't offer choices. I say kindly and firmly that it's time to do it, and then I do it. If the child protests, I am honestly sympathetic-- yes, I know you don't WANT to, you don't LIKE it, you're MAD-- and I do it anyway.