Have had a really awful two weeks or so. My son has definitely gone downhill, and I am not sure what's wrong.
I am devastated about this and scared out of my mind, but I am thinking about trying medication for him. I have read so many articles that say that medication can actually create worse problems than the child had before (for example, induce mania in a child that never had mania before) or cause permanent, irreversible side effects in some cases. Obviously he's having problems, but no one knows what is wrong with him. It's so terrifying to me to give him a medication that might make things worse or might damage his brain. I have known at least 5-6 close friends or relatives who have been on medication for mental health issues, and I have NEVER known a single person who felt they were effective. I know that's a relatively small number of people, but it just scares me to death. Whenever I think about doing this to my son, I can't stop crying. I feel like I have failed him. I have been too impatient. I haven't been able to protect him or provide him a safe, loving environment. I have yelled too much.
I am so scared that there is something seriously wrong with him, and that he will have a horrible life, that he will never be better, never be able to be happy or have successful relationships.
And, as usual, I am having arguments with my parents and they are blaming everything on me. So helpful. My mom always tells me to "try something different" to get him out of his aggressive/rage-filled moods, and believe me, I try everything. Then last night he was at their house and punched her in the face, and she is mad at me. I wasn't even there. Yet she thinks that when he does these things to me I am just not trying hard enough.
So sorry, I am in a terribly dark mood. Everything seems really hopeless right now.
I just don't understand how suddenly there are so many kids that have these sorts of problems and need to be on medication. How can this be? I don't remember kids being like this when I was growing up. We didn't know any kids that had these sorts of problems, and we knew a lot of people. I just feel lost and confused about the whole thing.
The research I've been reading says there is no such thing as "adjusting one's brain chemistry" with medication, and that these medications can cause brain damage in some cases, permanently altering the brain. This is just so scary to me. Yes, his behavior is scary too. I feel trapped between two really awful choices.
I have been so impatient with him the last week or two, so frustrated with his behavior. I feel like I have caused this to escalate, but then I can't even tell which is the chicken or the egg: did his behavior cause my frustration and impatience or vice versa?
Is it because it's all dark and gloomy here, the sun going down now at 4:30?
Is it because it's been cold and rainy and he hasn't gotten enough exercise (and he needs TONS)?
Is something happening at school that's upsetting him?
Is someone hurting him? (This has always been the case when his behavior escalated in the past.)
Is it because something is wrong with his brain?
Is there something medically wrong?
I did ask his doctor to do blood work to test for lead poisoning (which someone suggested). She is also going to check for celiac disease and a couple other things. I want to make sure that we at least rule out any medical issues. I wish it were only that simple.
I wish there was a blood test or brain scan that could be done for mental illness so I could just KNOW that there is something definitely wrong. I am so scared to give him medications when we don't even know what's wrong with him. What if we create a problem that he wouldn't have had otherwise? What if he's just super sensitive and angry that he's been abused and scared, that he doesn't have a dad, that he doesn't get to spend as much time with me as he wants?
I wish I had a supportive partner (or even supportive family) helping me work through this and make these decisions. Having the weight of this decision on my shoulders alone is unbearable. I am so afraid I will make the wrong choice for my son, and if something bad happens to him because of this, I will just hate myself.
I am just completely and absolutely crushed by what is happening to my son.
I always wanted a child and was told I couldn't have kids, so getting pregnant unexpectedly was scary, but an amazing miracle. I had no idea that things could turn out this way. I always believed if I did everything right, my son would turn out to be loving, smart, and wonderful. I ate all the right things during my pregnancy, I exercised, I breast-fed for two years plus, I was gentle with him, I spent tons of time with him, keeping him home with me until he was two. I tried SO hard and I just can't believe he is the way he is. I feel so responsible. I wish I could know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is nothing I can personally do for him and that medication is the ONLY option, but I don't know that. I don't know anything. Except that I am devastated for him, and for me, and I am scared out of my mind.