Hi Ammasmahma:
You said . . . .
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Originally Posted by ammasmahma  When they got home, I tried to talk to her about it, she said, "I can't talk", although she did validate that she was sad that the toy had been taken from her when she was originally playing with it first. I tried to explain to her that my neice is a baby and we need to be gentle with her but it took an hour of crying, hitting me, kicking me, yelling at me, until she finally broke down and relaxed into my arms and finally started to respond to me. I think, should I have pressed it? Should I have left her alone when she asked me to leave the room? Should I have ignored it? Would she remember it if I came to her at a later time to talk about it? I asked if we could talk about it later instead and of course she ignored me so instead, I pressed it and told her we needed to stay in the room until we are both calm and we can talk about what happened. I don't if this is right or not, it doesn't feel completely right but our situation isn't the best either so we have many stresses that complicate things.
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I am sorry to hear that you, too, are having a tough time with your daughter. In reading the portion above, I noticed that you are questioning yourself, like I often do (and I assume many/most/all parents do from time to time)--"Was that the right way to handle this? Should I have done something else? Am I making this worse?"
One thing that I've tried with my son when he doesn't want to talk is using puppets. It's so weird because I know he knows the puppet is me talking, but he will talk to the puppet, but not me. I might say, in a silly voice using his zebra puppet, "Hi! You look really mad right now. What's wrong? Can I give you a hug?" and he will say, "My mom is being really rude and won't let me play. She says I have to go to bed, but I don't want to." And then my son and the zebra will have a little conversation. We also sometimes play where one puppet acts out the negative behavior (hitting, throwing something, etc) and the other puppet tells the misbehaving puppet that what he is doing is not ok. My son will often intervene and put the misbehaving puppet in time out. This seems to be very effective.
I don't mean to sound like the parenting expert here when I've been at my wits end until just lately. There have always been some things that work at SOME times, but not others. Lately, I've been pulling out ALL the patience that I can muster. I've also been using a lot from the book "Playful Parenting," which I love. It gives lots of ideas for defusing situations that are about to go from bad (crabby child) to worse (full blown tantruming child).
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Originally Posted by ammasmahma She sometimes likes to play with it, like chase, if I get closer to her to try and get her to listen, she laughs and runs like we are playing a game and it's sooo difficult to get her to actually listen to me. She changes the subject, plays, and sometimes will finally respond by saying, "oh" or "ok". I'm not sure what to think at this point. Am I teaching her to just apease me by saying those things? I try to identify what feelings she is going through and she doesn't want anything to do with it.
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I think it's very hard for young kids to express their feelings. I think sometimes they just don't know what they are feeling, but they just feel not quite right. They can't always put words to it. I used to expect my son to express what he was feeling, but his therapist said that probably wasn't entirely possible, and I also realized this myself. I think with misbehavior, it's not necessarily important WHY they are doing it, but you have to set a boundary that the child CAN'T do this. The boundary my son's therapist said to set is behavior that hurts (or has the potential to hurt) the child, others, or destroys property. She said all other behaviors, like saying bad words, should just be ignored.
My son recently did a "run away/chase game" when I was trying to put him in time out. His therapist said that I should not chase him. I should just stop, and when he stops, I gently take him back to time out. I am not sure if you're using time out with your daughter or not, and I definitely don't think time outs are some magic thing or that they should be used with all children or in all situations.
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Originally Posted by ammasmahma In the past, when I have tried to use creative play, it seems to work much better. Like moving and playing helps her express better. She can't sit still and talk, no way! She has to be moving and doing something, which sometime makes me think she is ignoring me or the situation. She loves dance, paint, clay, drawing, music, hula hoops, digging in the dirt, etc.
If I were to set up art stations like you suggest, the hard part is keeping the house clean and do I make her clean up one station before she can move to the next? Most mothers who have grown children say the one mistake they made is not making the kids clean up after themselves whether they make them or are creative in doing it with them. The moms usually say that they just cleaned up after them and then when they got older, they were slobs.
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I think that having lots of positive "time in" with children is SO important, and I am realizing that this is probably a big part of what my son was missing out on. I am a single mom, I work two full time teaching jobs (I teach college-level English), and my son's dad is not involved, so I have very few breaks. I have very little support system. Because of this, I often didn't have the energy to give him the attention and play time that he needed. I've been trying to go to bed earlier (hard because I've been having insomnia due to the crime in May) and let things go (cleaning the house, etc) to play with him more. The more I follow the "Playful Parenting" approach, but also keep boundaries, the better we seem to both be doing.
This is not to say that we might have a massive relapse in another week or two or a month or two later, but for right now, I am optimistic and feel like medication is OFF THE TABLE. Hallelujah! (Of course this is no judgment of those parents who chose to use medication for their children; I am sure some children may really need medication. It's better for a child or parent to be medicated than for both people to feel like they can't stand each other, in my opinion. If I end up having to go that route, I will consider it.)
As for cleaning up, I think it's important that clean-up is always what you do when it's time for play to end. When it's time to go to bed, my son has to clean up all his toys and put everything away. I almost always make this a game by racing him, that I will pick up toys faster, or that I will be able to get ready for bed (wash my face, brush my teeth, etc) before he can clean up his toys. He seriously loves this! Anything that can make it a game is good. I don't think children should think of parents as personal servants, which is a trap I've fallen into myself. Now that my son is four, I am trying to always encourage him to do the things he can do for himself. Cleaning up is something I definitely enforce.
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Originally Posted by ammasmahma A little history about me, we are attachment parenters for the most part but have been through a separation, a ton of moves, domestic violence from the father and then me reacting to that because I'm triggered since I had abuse in my childhood. Although both her father and I have similar parenting views and compassion for our daughter and want her to have a better life than we had growing up, we can't seem to correct things within ourselves to make that happen. I have realized that I am happiest when with her father and so is our daughter. The only thing, it's only a matter of time before he blows up. We are not together now but are working on co-parenting and are going to do couseling together with the focus being on ourselves individually and on parenting our daughter.
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I felt like I had to ask: are you saying your daughter's dad is physically abusive to you, but that you are happiest when you are with him? I know that many victims of domestic violence feel this way, and I worked as a domestic violence counselor (volunteer) for four years, so I do understand the psychology of this, but it is so unhealthy for you and your daughter if I have, in fact, read this correctly. I have also been in abusive relationships, but never with my child, and I will never be in a relationship with someone who would mistreat me in any way now that I have a child. I wish I had had this same respect for myself prior to becoming a mother, but I think this is one gift my son's unexpected arrival has given me.
If your child witnesses violence towards you, do you think that will affect the way she views you and her level of respect towards you? Don't you think this will also affect her future relationships and how she allows herself to be treated as an adult? Do you think that viewing violence will also cause her to act out? I don't mean to sound like I am judging you, because I know it can be extremely hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially when it means being a single mother, but if this is what she's witnessing, I think the first step to improving her behavior is removing yourself and her from this situation. If she is able to see her dad and have him not act out violently against her, then she needs to see him without you present, in my opinion. If he could get treatment/counseling and no longer be violent, not even verbally (screaming, yelling, etc), then maybe it would be an ok situation. Of course I am not in your shoes, and this is just my opinion based on my own personal experiences and training, but if I read your post correctly, and you really are currently experiencing domestic violence in the home with your child, this needs to stop.
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Originally Posted by ammasmahma There is a lot of healing to do and if you are still triggered from your childhood, that will affect your parenting and your relationship with your youngen so healing yourself is a must.
Does anyone have any advice for my situation too? I'm afraid that if I don't do something now, I will end up ruining her life? I will visit that website recommended above and check out that book. Those sound like great starts.
Thank you for sharing your story with us and thank you to everyone who has already replied. It has been a tearing fearful, hopeful reading for me. I hope everything goes well for you in the future.
P.S. Have you heard of the Explosive Child? Google it. It may help you.
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I hope everything goes well for you and your daughter in the future, as well. I hope that if you are currently in a domestic violence situation (something you seemed to mention so nonchalantly, as if it was a minor part of your life) that you can find the strength to get out of that situation. There are lots of resources for women in your situation. Though your abuser may have many wonderful qualities (my son's biological father was just like that---wonderful and loving one minute, and completely crazy the next) domestic violence is so damaging that it really outweighs everything else. If I read your post right and this is still happening, I hope you will get some counseling and help for yourself and your daughter.
, hope you both have found some peace.
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