Breakthrough...in MY mindset...

[peaceful_mama]

Seriously. I got this email today from the "Daily Groove". It talked all about resisting things (like thinking about things you DON'T want your children to do) and how your reaction (because you are thinking about what you don't want them to do) actually CAUSES what you DON'T want to happen. (Very Law-of-Attraction)


Prime example: Tonight. We came home from a fruitless costume search to it being "time to be in the house" (when the outdoor lights come on)
Since it's still sort of light, and cause it's just funny to them, the kids run out the door.

Immediately my brain goes "Oh no. They are going to run away and I am going to have to chase them down and drag them back in here."

So I react with "It's time to be in, GET IN HERE NOW!!! I MEAN IT' or something very much along those lines. And not at all in a calm, informing, reminding kind of way.

And they ran. And I eventually caught them, got them in the house, and took away "fun bath" and TV time. (taking away "fun bath" is a new one. I told DS he had to shower, DD didn't want to try it, so I didn't force it but she did not get toys in the tub. And they were separated.)


What if? What if instead of seeing behavior I don't want and my "inability" to stop it as a reflection on my parenting, I saw their behavior simply as their choice to exercise their free will? With ABSOLUTELY NO REFLECTION on ME and my parenting ability?

Because this is the reality--at least as I see it--THEIR CHOICE is just that. Their choice.

The TRUTH is, what reflects on ME as a parent is MY CHOICE. I too have a choice in this scenario.

I can choose to do what I did, react out of "oh great, they're going to do XYZ" and first, stand on my front porch yelling at them to get in the house and sounding like a total shrew.

Followed by going after them with comments like "you'll see how funny this is..."

---------------------------OR--------------------------------------------

The kids could run out the door and stop in the yard, waiting for my attention and reaction.

And I could dispense with any predictions on what will happen in the next few minutes of our lives.

And I could calmly point out that the lights on our building are on and the rule is, it's time to be in the house now. Or remind them that we're about to have dinner followed by chocolate pudding. (that sort of thing works wonders on the 2 year old. The chocolate pudding is not bribery. It is just a statement of fact. We did, in fact, eat the chocolate pudding tonight despite the running away.)

I could pick any one of a variety of positive statements of what we're doing next--in the house.

And---the reminder **might** just entice them to come in and partake of chocolate pudding. Or Caillou-watching. Or bathtime with bubbles and toys.

And it would certainly get rid of the part where the neighbors hear me sounding like a total shrew.....

It's just a thought.

Now.......whether I get to this frame of mind in the moment remains to be seen.

Easier said than done these days.

[Violet2]

Nice post.

I think too, when we get impatient as mommas maybe it's a sign that our needs aren't being met and maybe we need a break so we have the emotional reserves to run through the thought process you outlined.

Maybe impatience is just a code word for an adult tantrum? Instead of punishing ourselves, maybe we should nurture ourselves instead.

V

[OGirlieMama]

Originally Posted by Violet2

Nice post.

I think too, when we get impatient as mommas maybe it's a sign that our needs aren't being met and maybe we need a break so we have the emotional reserves to run through the thought process you outlined.

Maybe impatience is just a code word for an adult tantrum? Instead of punishing ourselves, maybe we should nurture ourselves instead.

V

Yes! When my reserves are overtaxed and I haven't had a break, I am horrendously impatient and become that nasty Mommy I don't want to be. When I feel like my needs are even partly being met, it's so much easier to be patient and understanding.

[newmoon2000]

What a great awareness! That's HUGE.

And...hmmm...what if you were to take it a step even further and choose to join your kids in the front yard?!? When they run out the door, go with them. See what it feels like to be running around outside in the dark. Revel in the joy of "breaking the rules", just for a moment. Maybe even do a little dance, or cartwheels or something. That would certainly take the resistance out of THEM...because they would have nothing to resist against. Perhaps, after a few cartwheels, they would then go inside of their own accord and you guys could all enjoy a fun bath AND chocolate pudding!!!

Just a thought! (FYI: I get Scott Noelle's Daily Groove too and I'm still working on Joyful Parenting for myself!)

[peaceful_mama]

I'm SURE 95% of my problem is *never* and I mean NEVER EVER EVER getting away.

Literally. I went to Savers (the thrift store) one day like 6 weeks ago by myself. And I went to a Red Tent (birth story night) with just the baby last Friday.

Other than that, this afternoon I got to wrap presents for Eid tomorrow while 2 slept and one was with my mom at the library.

Very big, MY needs not being met. I have *really* had to let go of "getting AWAY" as a NEED. That helps..... (away meaning to physically go somewhere else, as in out to lunch with a friend and no children, out shopping, out anywhere. Now I have computer time after they are in bed, times like this afternoon, and I still get two to 3 nap/bedtime nursings with the baby--where I have an excuse to go lay in bed just the 2 of us. And we bathe together whenever possible. )

But sometimes you DO need to just get away from the fighting. The whining. Someone else needs to be the one to go to the 2 year old screaming in front of the toilet in the bathroom because she just CANNOT sit herself on the throne and pee alone! (Perfectly capable of doing it, knows, and will stand there screaming and holding herself announcing that she is peeing her pants because she WILL NOT go without company!)

HUGE being able to be in a place where you actually have this patience. It has been better since I've given over more of the housekeeping to my mom in favor of taking over all direct supervision of the kids outdoors. (she lives with us and can't keep up with them, and WOULD NOT inform me when I needed to step in, so now I spend all afternoon out with them and only do in-the-house stuff in bad weather, when they actually want to be in, or on the rare day they're occupied enough not to try running off from Grandma. (For 10 minutes anyway )

I don't know, for me, some of the playful stuff works, like if I stop running after DD and tell her "Jump to me" that typically will get her home. But going out in the yard to run around with 2 runaways is not something i've got time for when the third one is screaming because he wants "boo" and "ni-ni" (bed)

But....I *DO* think they react differently (and typically BETTER) when I let go of the idea that their disobedience = my failure as a parent. It doesn't. It = an opportunity for me to grow...if I want to...by learning to deal with it calmly and with *something* positive if at all possible.

Yes, if you're out in the dark, it might mean you're about to be in trouble....but it might also mean that if you come in the house now, XYZ (that happens EVERY NIGHT) that you think is fun is coming up. I mean, really, so they're standing at the end of the yard. They *could* choose to come in without causing actual disruption and "waste of time" to the evening...so why not focus on the positive? That they CAN choose to right now come inside and do XYZ next fun thing?

MUCH easier and more fun than going negative.

[One_Girl]

Letting go of the guilt I feel when I link my dd's behavior to my worth as a parent definitely helps me to see the joys of being a mom rather than just the bad things. I think it also helps me stay calmer so I don't push my dd into a power battle as frequently and so I see a way to work around the battle rather than push back and do battle. It is hard to let go of guilt and anger when I want to be alone though.

[artgirl]

thanks peaceful mama. Boy did I need to read that tonight. Because I need to know that I'm not the only mom who feels this way right now. And the resistance thing is huge... but in the moment... Gosh I have such a hard time dragging myself out of my grouchiness.
I was such a crab to my kids all day today. ALL day. Because I got grouchy about one thing and could not move on. I just added to the feeling with every little annoying thing that they did and then felt bad about my inability to snap out of it on top of it. What a horrible day. Beating myself up and nagging and yelling at them. UGH!
As for taking care of myself... geez, I'm not even sure I know how anymore. I'm going through a divorce and feel like I need to be so on top of making sure the kids are alright... and never complaining about no alone time because I'm so thankful for the custody arrangement that I have... sigh.
How do I stop yelling? How do I stop freaking out when they don't listen to me the first or the second time I ask them to do something? How do I not lose my cool when they are arguing and being mean to one another just for entertainment? Help. Please.