What do you do in the heat of the moment to stay calm?

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Like when you have been smacked in the face so hard you see stars?

Or you are so sleep deprived, you feel like you can't live through one more waking in the same night.

Or you have been kicked for the 15th time, and its not even 7am.

My toddler is somewhat "spirited", sometimes aggressive, highly reactive when emotional. (Gee, wonder where he gets it from ) I have a hard time NOT seeing red when I get slapped or kicked without much provocation.

How do you ANGELS not loose your cool. I read so much about you ladies just walking away or talking calmly and softly when your children do these things. And some of you ladies have children with sensory issues and autism, so your problems WAY overshadow mine. I try to think in the heat of the moment that things could be so much worse, but lately, I am having one tough minute after another.

So is there some kind of mantra I can chant to myself? Or is it just my personality I need to work on?

[MammaG]

I went through a really rough time about a year and a half ago. I had some worrying medical problems, and my DH walked out on me and the kids (he came back, but it was a scary two months). We lost our house to foreclosure and are just now having to declare bankruptcy.

I was so caught up in the stresses of MY life that I got really intolerant with my kids. I was yelling and once I spanked my son. It was the worst I've ever felt as a mother, but feeling bad about myself fueled the anger I was feeling.

I saw a great therapist and worked out some things with him. One coping strategy we worked out was one I tried out as a Lenten discipline. We called it "Mamma meditations". Obviously, I don't have the time or space to drop everything and meditate, but I take a second or two and breathe in, thinking "Here I am". In my case, I direct that to God, but it doesn't have to be so religious....it is just a touchpoint to recall yourself to the here and now. On the out-breath, I think "thank-you". Again, this can just be a simple acknowledement that there ARE tghings to be grateful for even if you can't think of a single one just at the moment.

This has really helped me get back onto the track that I want to be on with parenting.

Also, I posted elsewhere....I sometimes pretend that I'm being watched if I'm getting to a point where I think I'm going to do my nut with the kids. I just call up some friend in my mind and behave as if my parenting is being scrutinized. Kind of wierd, but again, it helps me get control of ME, so that I can effectively get control of the kids and the situation in a positive way.

HTH

[dex_millie]

I guess I need to hear advice in with this problem too. As I would not stay so calm if I am getting slapped or kicked by my son. I think he needs to see that this is not acceptable. I tried that nice calm talking and walking away and telling him to gave me a hug instead of hitting and it worked when he was younger. But as he got older and started ruff-housing with DH he started to get bolder and the nice talking didn't work he kept thinking it was a game or alright to do it. So I just had to be firm with him, even holding his hands and telling him to look at me and sayin in a firm voice 'not to hit' or 'kick'. It didn't take much time before he realize not to do it. On a rare occasion when he is angry and looks to do it, I just use that firm voice again or look at him.

I am not sure if what I do above is GD, but I don't tolerate hitting especially in the face.

[_betsy_]

Well, I'd be working to prevent the physical abuse doled out by your son.

I'd look at what I was sayonmg/soing or not saying/doing before it got to that point.

With my DD1, I had to, at what I thought was a very early age like 16-18 months, show her that I meant it when I said "I will not allow anyone to hurt me." Her physical abuse was more in the chaotic, random swinging of limbs and attacking me every chance she got (ie, any time I was near the floor). I'd pick her up (or just walk away) while telling her "Ouch! Hands are not for hitting! Gentle hands!" and then as I'm moving away "I will not allow anyone to hurt me." I'd usually plunk her in the crib with a toy while I walked away and cooled down, looked at the potential bruise or scratch or whatever.

Deep breaths have begun to work quite well for my now 3-yo. We started when she was about 2.5. it helps both of us stop, relax, take minute... and get back to being gentle.

[sebandg'smama]

Really really big deep breathes. As many as it takes. If I need take more than 2 I start walking away from the situation, until I feel calm(er).

-Melanie

[Violet2]

Oh momma, I am no angel.

I find it really helps to have a plan and a stash of fun things to do at a moment's notice.

Redirection is the game for our house. Like a magician, I always have something up my sleeve to make them stop and go 'ooooh'. It's hard to tantrum when you're overwhelmed with excitment/curiousity.

Also, games and songs help. Don't want to hold my hand and walk to the car? Okay. Let's sing the 'ants go marching' and march instead.

V

[pink gal]

Originally Posted by MammaG

I went through a really rough time about a year and a half ago. I had some worrying medical problems, and my DH walked out on me and the kids (he came back, but it was a scary two months). We lost our house to foreclosure and are just now having to declare bankruptcy.

I was so caught up in the stresses of MY life that I got really intolerant with my kids. I was yelling and once I spanked my son. It was the worst I've ever felt as a mother, but feeling bad about myself fueled the anger I was feeling.

I saw a great therapist and worked out some things with him. One coping strategy we worked out was one I tried out as a Lenten discipline. We called it "Mamma meditations". Obviously, I don't have the time or space to drop everything and meditate, but I take a second or two and breathe in, thinking "Here I am". In my case, I direct that to God, but it doesn't have to be so religious....it is just a touchpoint to recall yourself to the here and now. On the out-breath, I think "thank-you". Again, this can just be a simple acknowledement that there ARE tghings to be grateful for even if you can't think of a single one just at the moment.

This has really helped me get back onto the track that I want to be on with parenting.

Also, I posted elsewhere....I sometimes pretend that I'm being watched if I'm getting to a point where I think I'm going to do my nut with the kids. I just call up some friend in my mind and behave as if my parenting is being scrutinized. Kind of wierd, but again, it helps me get control of ME, so that I can effectively get control of the kids and the situation in a positive way.

HTH

MamaG Those are awesome words of wisdom. I actually got teary eyed when I read the part about saying "here I am" to God. I'm definitely going to try that!

[gillibean]

Originally Posted by sebandg'smama

Really really big deep breathes. As many as it takes. If I need take more than 2 I start walking away from the situation, until I feel calm(er).

-Melanie

[Mary-Beth]

First breath deeply.

I ask myself, "What do I most want to teach?" Usually there are many things but I narrow it down to what I MOST want to teach my child in that moment. For example, I want to teach my child to be gentle even when he disagrees with me. Then I think about how I can effectively teach that.

[mom22girls]

Had a couple of those moments yesterday. The kicking at the diaper change really makes me lose my @#$#%$. I've got a toddler, she's trying to control her world. Can't really teach her anything at this (kicking) point, things aren't rational. I walk away. I have to. I love the "Here I am" suggestion. I'm going to try it and hope it works!

[lisarussell]

Originally Posted by mom22girls

Had a couple of those moments yesterday. The kicking at the diaper change really makes me lose my @#$#%$. I've got a toddler, she's trying to control her world. Can't really teach her anything at this (kicking) point, things aren't rational. I walk away. I have to. I love the "Here I am" suggestion. I'm going to try it and hope it works!

this caught my eye- when my toddlers resist diaper changes, I have them go nude- all 6 of my girls potty trained in just a few days this way. no drama, no stress, just a few accidents. most around 16mos- my 2nd daughter was almost 3 and my 21 month old actually just started today. no accidents today, she was happy to put a diaper on at bedtime. we'll see...

[EdnaMarie]

When I don't lose it (because let me tell you, I've lost it- never hit, but screamed ), I have a couple of things.

The first is the serenity prayer. It really, really helps me. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

For me it helps that it's long. Once I get to "serenity" I'm already in a different state of mind and then finishing it really helps. Plus, I'm a believer and I truly believe that when I reach out to God He reaches back at those moments. I've never had a time where I read that prayer and then lost it... also, I have it memorized rote, so sometimes my mind is even clear enough to think of a solution (often one that I've read here).

Deep breaths help, but AFTER I've said the prayer. I can't just breathe in when I'm restraining a toddler from hurting my baby.

I can't do "thank you" because I'm the type of person that needs to work through a situation, not remove from it. I wouldn't mention that except to give the OP a chance to consider whether she is that type of person or not. I know a lot of people for whom "thank you" is the perfect mantra... just not me.

[Tellera]

If it is something at my breaking point and past the point of deep breaths or walking away, and I know I am going to yell, I can usually catch myself from yelling at DS but still let out a general very loud "aaaaaaaahhhhhhhrrrrrr" or similar vocal piece which will often outlet the need. Usually, it will give me the release I need to take a moment and get to the deep breathing part or the walking away part or even the "please don't ...., it is not ok to...." part.

As for not getting though another sleep deprived night like that, it's been awhile, but I just cried a lot. I have no tools for that one.

[mom22girls]

Originally Posted by lisarussell

this caught my eye- when my toddlers resist diaper changes, I have them go nude- all 6 of my girls potty trained in just a few days this way. no drama, no stress, just a few accidents. most around 16mos- my 2nd daughter was almost 3 and my 21 month old actually just started today. no accidents today, she was happy to put a diaper on at bedtime. we'll see...

Hmm...intriguing. I'm wondering if I'm brave enough for that. But, in her typical toddler way, when I walk away, she comes running after me screaming dipeee, dipeee then I lay her down and the kicks come again.

[joanna0707]

Originally Posted by lisarussell

this caught my eye- when my toddlers resist diaper changes, I have them go nude- all 6 of my girls potty trained in just a few days this way. no drama, no stress, just a few accidents. most around 16mos- my 2nd daughter was almost 3 and my 21 month old actually just started today. no accidents today, she was happy to put a diaper on at bedtime. we'll see...

Well, I tried to do that with my 2 yo and he was pooping and peeing evrywhere but in the potty. I think he wasnt ready yet, he's back in diapers

[EdnaMarie]

Oh, and I forgot, one more thing that really helps me a lot, if I know it's gonna be a hard day, I, like another poster, imagine that I'm being filmed. Like it's a documentary on gentle discipline and how real moms can implement it and I'm one of their subjects, and you know, I'm all imagining how I say, "Oh, it's really hard, but I take it one second at a time" and then when it does get hard, somehow I find the strength to take it one second at a time. Because otherwise I look like a hypocrite.

[lisarussell]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

Oh, and I forgot, one more thing that really helps me a lot, if I know it's gonna be a hard day, I, like another poster, imagine that I'm being filmed. Like it's a documentary on gentle discipline and how real moms can implement it and I'm one of their subjects, and you know, I'm all imagining how I say, "Oh, it's really hard, but I take it one second at a time" and then when it does get hard, somehow I find the strength to take it one second at a time. Because otherwise I look like a hypocrite.

oh my goodness- this is hilarious. we always talk about our own reality show and pretending I'm on camera TOTALLY helps me react better. that's so funny that you said that.

And- on the potty thing, I think this is the 4th day she's been naked and she's done now. She's always in the same room as me and I can kind of tell when she's needing to go potty. We have a lot of kids, so she sees everyone else going potty. I found a bag of teeny tiny (size 2t) panties and at first, I asked her a hundred times "are you dry?" and if she was we'd cheer for her. more than half the time when anyone else had to use the bathroom, they'd ask her if she wanted to go, too (even my 3 yr old) Last night, she (and my bed) stayed dry all night and she hasn't had an accident all day. And nothing is cuter than her teeny tiny little bum running around the house.