grandparents & Disipline?

[Kimmyc2]

So I have a question to the group. Yesterday we had a visit from my IL's and throughout the evening my MIL felt it was her place to tell my DD what she should and shouldn't do in front of us. Some of the time she was repeating something I had said (in a more negative way) or just spitting out her own "Oh No, now look what you've done. Don't drop food on the floor". Which made DD turn and bury her head into my shoulder. (She sees my MIL about 4-5 times a year).

She never yelled or really did anything to have lasting affects but it aggrivates me SO MUCH! There is no need for her to feel she needs to offer disipline to my children especially when I am right there. If something needs to be said, why would she think it should come from her and not he mother or father!

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone has had a similar situation or any advice. I should mention that my MIL and I do not have a good relationship at all and she is not open to discussion, avoids confrontation and spreads anything I say to her as crazy to everyone she meets.

So, should I just say something to her as it's happening or should I just let it go? Any thoughts on the topic are welcome. Thanks!

[mysticmomma]

I'd "overpower" her.

LOUDLY: "UH OH!!! You dropped some food. That's ok. Accidents happen. Lets pick it up together!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Well from your daughters reaction (Burrying her head in your shoulder) its pretty clear your MIL isnt winning over any fans with her attitude.

If you don't get along and you only see her a handful of times a year, I would just let it go along with "overpowering" her, like the PP said.

[Violet2]

Let it go. MIL is laying the groundwork for her relationship with your kids, her choices suck but there's not a lot you can do.

AP and GD is really new, I think, isn't it? I mean, I doubt your MIL's generation had every heard of any such thing. So if she's dysfunctional to begin with on top of her generational background, this is not a battle you can win.

Just shield your little one as best you can and let it roll off your back.

If she becomes really intrusive, I would just be very direct and say 'Please let me handle this. It's confusing when there's more than one person giving directions at a time.'
V

[SeekingJoy]

What does your husband think of his mom's comments?

[dex_millie]

This is a good one and a question I have been thinking of asking here. I guess since it is only 4 to 5 times a year you can try and let the little things go, other big things like a pp say try and get there first and just address your LO. Sometimes I try to ignore my MIL while I am talking to DS but she has a very loud mouth which makes it difficult to follow that rule.

[Evergreen]

I always overpower too. Passive-aggressive possibly, but I get insanely annoyed by when she does this.

Whenever my kids are doing something she deems inappropriate and she tells them not to do it (as long as it is not infringing on her person or property) I always tell them, "It's okay you can do that." It wouldn't quite work in your situation but it's something to think about.

[Evergreen]

When she tells them "Don't drop food on the floor" I give her a Duhhh! look and usually say, "It's not like she did it on purpose."

[Kimmyc2]

thanks Mama's. I guess I did make overpowering statements back just naturally saying "uh oh, it's ok that happens. We'll get it when we're all done eating, no worries" And once when she told dd not to come by me because i was sitting on the couch holding her sleeping baby brother (dd stopped and looked at me with a "really mommy?" look) I responded by saying, it's ok sweetie, of course you can come up by mommy and parker" I guess i just kind of thought it would get through to her and she would stop, but apparently not.

It's probably crazy of me to think that there is anything I could do to get her to change her ways. She was definately not anywhere near being an AP GD mom, she's from a small town and feels the need to constantly tell me horrifying stories from her "guilty Mom diary" stored away in her head. (ie. "I didn't really want babies, I didn't know what to do with him so I call his aunts who came over and took care of him....there was no way I was going to BF...He fell down the stairs in a walker because I left the door open and just let him go...i didn't think you ever needed to strap them into the chairs and he fell out...etc, etc..."

Thanks for the feedback, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing since we don't see her very often and say something if it is ever something not minor.

[Kimmyc2]

Originally Posted by SeekingJoy

What does your husband think of his mom's comments?

oh yes, his response this morning when I brought it up was "oh, I know! I don't know why she does that, I wish she wouldn't."

Problem is, we often talk about things she says that are not appropriate after our visits with her and always come up with how next time he will say something to her to make it known whatever it is is not ok, but in the heat of the moment he either doesn't catch it because he is SO used to his Mom's ways or he doesn't think of how to respond until it's to late. Occasionally he makes excusses for her which REALLY irritates me since it is what the whole family does, but that's a whole nother thing.

[boheime]

My MIL used to try stuff like this. We talked to her about it multiple times and she wouldn't listen. So, we quit addressing her when it happened and just started addressing our kids. If she said something to our kids, we would address the situation with them and ignore MIL, letting them know the truth about the situation and also that we were there for them. It works much better for us.

Her treatment of your children will show. We always referred to any grandparents/great-grandparents as "Grandma *first name*" or Grandpa "*first name*". This was important to me from the beginning because my mother passed away before we were even married. My MIL is a narcissist, and I knew she would try to make it seem like she was THE grandma. My children refer to my ILs by their first names only and my parents and any great-grandparents with the Grandma/Grandpa title added. It's very clear that they feel disrepected. Dh and I only recently stopped referring to his parents, when discussing them with our children, with the G-title added. We decided there was no point.

[ChetMC]

Not New

Originally Posted by Violet2

AP and GD is really new, I think, isn't it? I mean, I doubt your MIL's generation had every heard of any such thing.
V

No. They're not new. My parents and DH parents naturally take a very AP and GD approach to things. Maybe these methods didn't have an official name one or two generations ago, but people have parented this way in the past. My grandma is actually very GD with her great grandchildren.