Next MIL thread on discipline

[dex_millie]

I have been meaning to post this question for months but never found the time.

I was wondering if I have a problem and overreact at times. I don't want to make my MIL seem bad as she is not she just have some very annoying ways/habits.

Recently what gets me most upset is when I tell DS not to do something or he can't have something and she later tells him the opposite. If I am there when it happens I quickly address it (the other time I wasn't there but my sister was and told me what happened). It is too the point that I just feel like doing the opposite at most times. Like sometime at the park she came with her other son 3 children and they walked with fruit loops and juice. I told her DS is not getting any juice he has his water. Later just because DS was staring at his cousin drinking juice she told the cousin to gave DS some and I just said no and DS drank his water and went off the play. Know if I was there with someone else and that didn't happen I might have given DS a water-down version of it. I guess I don't want her to feel she can overrule my rule. I don't think she does yell at him like she does the other grandchildren.

And I guess that is my next issue. I don't like how she screams/yell at the other three but if their parents doesn't mind then I can't do anything about it. ONe of the children told her to 'stop yelling at them' which I thought was great. She even called the younger girl who is 5 months younger than DS wicked and the girl just kept repeating it for a min or two. She is rarely alone w. DS so I don't think she yells at him. She does get a little loud when something happens but that doesn't bother me as much.

Where is DH ? He rarely sees these things, sometimes he is not there at all or in a different room, especially since he does try and sneak away to do some studying. Like at the park he was in the car studying for his upcomming certification exam.

The last time DS was there w/o us they took him and the others to the park w/o his carseat. MIL BF held him in the car. Good thing the park was close by.

so any advice? I am starting to build these defensive attitudes when around but don't like when I do.

[prothyraia]

No advice, but I would be *livid* if someone (anyone!) was intentionally going against my stated rules with my kids.

[justKate]

That's tough, but it seems like what you're describing is almost intentionally undermining your rules. She doesn't have to agree with them, but they are still your rules.

For me, my LO being transported anywhere in a car without a car seat would be enough to keep me from leaving her with the MIL without me or Huz around. That shows she may not have great judgment, which is enough to make me want to cut back on visits. Maybe more visits could happen at your house?

Good luck with this.

[angelachristin]

No real advice, just hugs because my MIL goes against what I say, too, and I have problems handling it, as well...although mine usually is telling DS he CAN'T have/do something that I have previously told him he can...so she acts, right in front of me, like she knows better than me and is stopping him from doing whatever danger I am allowing him to do...like go into the backyard without shoes on, etc. My mom tells me to sit down with her and tell her that I am the parent and when I am there, she is not to go against things I have said, but easier said than done, right? She is the type of person too who if you try to tell her anything she gets in a snit and will just leave and later call DH and tell him I was rude to her even if it wasn't the case.

[KristaDJ]

I'd have DH talk to her about it. Like the PP said, she's intentionally undermining your rules and driving without DC in car seat means "you. NEVER. get. my. kid. again." You're not over reacting, she's being totally disrespectful to you and endangering your child.

[JL83]

I pick my battles.

I would lay down the law about calling names and yelling.

But I'd forget about fighting about juice or whatever. I think that's the kind of thing that just causes trouble.

[lilith1]

The fat that someone takes my child somewhere without a car seat would mean the end of all contact while I'm not present. No matter how close the destination is...

[JL83]

Originally Posted by lilith1

The fat that someone takes my child somewhere without a car seat would mean the end of all contact while I'm not present. No matter how close the destination is...

I totally agree.

That's why I think the OP needs to separate out the important things like the discipline and car rides from the unimportant stuff like juice and snacks.

[Ruthla]

I think you need to have open communication with MIL about "what DS is allowed to do" each and every time you're together. Just take a few minutes to discuss whether or not DS can have certain food items, or be allowed to walk outside barefoot, etc. It's fine if you allow DS to eat more "junk food" than usual when Grandma is around, but it's important that DS isn't hearing conflicting information from the two adults watching him.

Did she know that you'd said "no juice" to him before she offered him some juice?

[AngeliqueW]

Just some sympathy.
In-Laws... ahhhh don't get me started.
I say Lay. Down. The. Law.

[Kimmyc2]

Originally Posted by dex_millie

The last time DS was there w/o us they took him and the others to the park w/o his carseat. MIL BF held him in the car. Good thing the park was close by.

ooh, this would be total game over for me. That is blatenly putting your childs life in danger.

I feel for you, I have some major MIL issues and I have already decided long ago that I will never leave my children alone with her due to poor judgement and poor health. I would rather get irritated with her comments and her disrespect my parenting decisions than chance putting my child in danger with her alone. It's good that your lo is not around her as often if she is yelling and name calling with her other grandchildren, but I would probably think twice about leaving him at all, she doesn't seem very responsible.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by JL83

I totally agree.

That's why I think the OP needs to separate out the important things like the discipline and car rides from the unimportant stuff like juice and snacks.

Juice and snacks are important to me, it is his health. Everytime I go there the kids(his cousins and there parents live there) have about 5 snacks -sugary waffers, ice cream, m&m, pastry, popscicles, really weird color juice,(all of this was in one day), ect.. I refuse to have him snack like that, we also rarely do dairy and that is also all over the place. I do let him get some of the snacks depending on what it is. We walk with snacks for him but even for healthy snacks I think it is too much to have him but I let that go. If I condone when over there they would constantly push it in his face like they use to do, her BF especially like to gave him things to eat, even right out of his own plate with his spoon/fork(not sure what to think of that).

They basically respect the food thing while we are there, who knows what they say behind our backs.

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Did she know that you'd said "no juice" to him before she offered him some juice?

Yea she did. The bad thing is that I would have given him some but I just got upset that she did the opposite after she heard me tell them not to offer him. The thing is DS didnt even ask for it, he just wanted to play.

Believe it or not she is actually getting better. When DS was a baby she tried me to sleep train him at 4months right infront my face she tried make him go sleep by crying twice in a row even after a talk to her. I notice she doesn't do as much things as when DS was born, it has taken 3 years with sometype of improvement(small but still some).

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by lilith1

The fat that someone takes my child somewhere without a car seat would mean the end of all contact while I'm not present. No matter how close the destination is...

Originally Posted by AngeliqueW

Just some sympathy.
In-Laws... ahhhh don't get me started.
I say Lay. Down. The. Law.

The other things that were mentioned are tiny and annoying, but I would simply counteract them by ...not going to the park when they are there. Then again, even if you are in a moms group or playgroup, chances are there will be other moms giving m&ms and sippy cups with soda in them for lunch and you and your child will simply get used to eating your own, more healthy food. Soon enough, your child will simply say to Grandma, "No thank you, Grandma, water is more healthy."

But, the car seat issue is abhorrent and COMPLETELY ILLEGAL. I would never let someone who was smoking crack babysit my child, or someone who was robbing a bank bring my child along, why would I let them babysit my child if they were prone to commit child endangerment?

I knew a couple in California years back who had a newborn. The mother sat in the back seat of their SUV with the baby and when the baby wanted to nurse, she took the baby out of the car seat to nurse. (she was from Colombia, where car seats are not such a big issue) He got pulled over for a busted taillight or something, and the officer saw that the baby was out of his seat. The dad was driving, so he ended up getting convicted of felony child endangerment, something that will always be on his record.

If you have trouble getting your husband to be on board with you about never leaving your child/ren with your in-laws again, you can pull the "felony child endangerment" card out pretty easily. You can print out laws, etc. If the in-laws say, "But we'll never do that again!" and you can say, "who would do it in the first place? only someone with very poor judgment and I have no guarantees you won't make some other poorly thought out but dangerous mistake in the future. No thanks."

I'm in the "my inlaws are dangerous and toxic" camp, too, btw.

[dex_millie]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

The other things that were mentioned are tiny and annoying, but I would simply counteract them by ...not going to the park when they are there. Then again, even if you are in a moms group or playgroup, chances are there will be other moms giving m&ms and sippy cups with soda in them for lunch and you and your child will simply get used to eating your own, more healthy food. Soon enough, your child will simply say to Grandma, "No thank you, Grandma, water is more healthy."

I wouldn't restrict him playing with his cousins. He is use to eating different anyways, even in the preschool he attends I bring his own snacks while the rest eat what they provide and he doesn't have a problem, he just likes that he has something to eat. I know when he is older he will start to question things and ask to try things then we would let more things slide. We just don't want to start him off so young with so much junk.

[InMediasRes]

My MIL has been going through an undermining-my-parenting streak recently too, but she is also coming down from a manic episode, so we are cutting her a lot more slack than I would cut someone in good mental health. She also does the thing with the snacks, but she truly believes that what she is giving DS is healthy, like chocolate covered granola and those "vitamin waters". It's not juice, right?

We finally had to sit down with her and tell her we are the parents and what we say goes. It doesn't matter what it is. When we tell DC yes or no, or discipline him a certain way, they go along with it. After the moment has passed, if they disagree, they are allowed to ask questions or discuss.

They are your kids, so set some ground rules. You may have to say no juice EVER if you want her to always follow the rules.

[Latte Mama]

Ugh the car seat issue would be a deal breaker for me. Most accidents occur near home so the park being close doesn't matter. It only takes one time. I don't understand WHY people don't get this. Sorry OP, I hope you can get them to respect your ideals.

[sea_joy]

Originally Posted by AngeliqueW

Just some sympathy.
In-Laws... ahhhh don't get me started.
I say Lay. Down. The. Law.

Yup. My MIL isn't allowed to be alone with my kids. Food is a huge issue for us, if I leave the room to PEE she gives my kids the worst junk food she can find, practically shoves it down their throats and when I get back to the room just snickers. I actually haven't been to my MIL's house for a few weeks and feel a lot better. I didn't know how toxic it was, I was starting to get health problems from anxiety. Anyway, I guess I'm saying it's easier to be firm and clear as soon as possible, otherwise it's all "but you let us give her ice cream laaast time!" etc.