Body image...long

[Mommy22B]

I am not exactly sure where to put this but I need to get it out.

I have a very very low self esteem and it really effects my everyday life. I am coming to realize that i need to get help, counceling or something. But that is hard for me to face. It is embarresing. but I have to do something...

I feel fat, and more than that, jealous. I have the most wonderful dh. He is a great father and a wonderful friend and lover. He tries to make me feel beautiful, and I know he really does think i am beautiful . I do feel sexy when we are actually in the act, but the rest of the time I feel so ugly and fat and second rate. It is getting worse and worse so that I think about it most of the day now. Every time I eat I want to scream and kill myself.
I guess I have always had a low self esteem . When I met dh I was looking great...my first year at college and I had lost several pounds. I am 5'5" and I was about 120 pounds. When we got married I gained and when I got pregnant with dd #1 I was 135. I gained when i was pregnant of course and ended up 160 or so. I lost most of that but i still had the poochy belly which I HATED but it wasn;t nearly so bad as now. I got pregnant with dd #2 and actually loved my body while pregnant. But now I hate myself. i have no idea how much i weigh cause we dont have a scale but I am in size 13 pants which completely disgusts me. I was 7/8 before children and even between kids I could squeeze into 8. But I always wanted to be at least a 6.
Something that really escalated this problem Is that my husband confessed to having a porn addiction. This was a few months before I got pregnant with dd #2. I was extreemly hurt and angry but we worked it out and he hasn't touched the stuff since. He was truly sorry and sad and felt really bad, and still does. It was really an addiction for him. But this thing, even though he is over it now, just made me feel like I wasn't good enough. I have come to a point now where my thinking is like this: I know he loves me and finds me attractive and I know I turn him on...but I also know that he, like most other men in America, finds the long blonde hair skinny perky breasted woman to be really attractive. I trust him completely . i know he would never (or at least not the way our relationship isnow) cheat on me. And though i know it is completely irrational I feel like I am in a competition. When I see a young skinny half naked woman somewhere I feel like dh is looking at her and wanting her. I feel like if given the chance to do so without it being sin or wrong or horrible he would love to be with someone like that. I am crying now just like I do every time I think about it. What is wrong with me???? THis is all so irrational.
I try to think of things like they are presented on Discovery or something. Men are always attracted to younger attractive women because they have a biological need to spread their seed. Women are insanely jealous of other women because we have to hold onto our man. But that doesnt help. I hate men and I hate those women who are so sexy and wonderful to look at. I think it is completely unfair that men are bombarded with half naked beautiful women everywhere they look which causes me to feel i have to compete. I am just full of anger and depression and it is getting worse every day. I feel like if I could just starve my self and get down to a decent size then i wont feel bad anymore and I will know he realy wants me. But I've tried not eating a meal or two and my milk supply just vanishes so I am fat until I wean . I also know there are other ways to lose weight...but it is so hard to find the time and energy to excercise, especially when you hate your body and don't feel like anything will help.
Ok, this was so so long...thank you if anyone finished reading it. What should i do? I feel like I am losing it, it is getting worse every day.

[SqueezeMaMa]

Mommy22B, your post is just heart wrenching. I really feel for you. I'm sorry you're so unhappy. It sounds like what you're struggling with is something every woman struggles with at some point, some more than others I'm sure. I'm one that believes that body image has little to do with what your body actually looks like. Lots of really thin women think they are fat and think they are ugly.
It sounds like the porn issue is really something that you haven't resolved and that isn't resolved in your marriage. Porn is such an awful thing because it portrays a standard of "beauty" that no one can really live up to. It makes me feel like I have to compete with that image they are portraying, as well. It's so unrealistic. But our society's version of a beautiful woman is blond, thin, and no stretch marks and that will never be me!
I think you should get some couseling and maybe you and dh together. Would he go for that? Does he know how unhappy you are and how you feel like you hate yourself? You say he really is a great guy. . . Do you feel like you can really talk honestly with him about this?
I hope you find peace with this. I know what it feels like to hate yourself and hate your body and to think you're ugly. I don't really know how I got beyond it, except that maybe I've learned to value other parts of myself. I know that my dh wishes I would lose weight, but I haven't. I guess I kind of feel the same way you do - no time or energy or motivation.
I wish you the best.
Karen
Momma to Megan

[Irishmommy]

I can so totally relate to what you are saying. Except for the porn, that's not an issue here. But I have the same body issues. I put on about 60 lbs when I was about 18, and looked awful. When I met dh I had lost that and then some, and I looked good. He has told me on more than one occasion that if we had met when I was fat, we would never have gotten together. How shallow is that - not to mention hurtful.

Here's my main point: After my two kids, I am finally back down to 120 (I'm 5'5"), though I still have a mommy tummy, and I'm still nursing. And you know what, I don't really feel much better about myself, and dh hasn't changed about me - his attraction hasn't changed from all the pregnancy weight loss. I think counselling will definitely help you, and don't forget too, you are only 3 months post partum. Try not to even worry about your weight until much later on.

I hope some of this helps.

[Wildflower]

Oh Mommy22B...Hugs...I can so relate, I had two serious boyfriends who were in to porn and strip clubs, and it was totally heartbreaking just as you described. And I've struggled with body image and self-esteem...I just think, what if this is an opportunity? What if the purpose of being on earth isn't to look a certain way to get this kind of much-craved approval and what we imagine would feel like love from the outside? What if its all about learning to love yourself no matter what, unconditionally? I try to think from a long range perspective: when we're old women it won't matter if we've figured out how to look certain way, but it will really really matter if we've figured out how to adore ourselves and relish and delight in our lives...Maybe instead of focusing on the weight you could put all that energy into nurturing and getting to know your wonderful self, your true self that you will always be no matter what your body is like, for your whole life. Love yourself now as you are!!! no matter what dh is doing or looking at, it sure does suck and I hope he never does it again, but don't let his actions stop you from the most important thing, the possible point of our whole earth trip: to learn to love and accept ourselves, to teach this to our children by example and thereby heal the whole world. I am passionate about self-love. Start right now!!! Every mama out there tell yourself how much you appreciate admire and love who you are, no matter what. Give yourself a squeeze! You are a living miracle.

[sarahwebb]

Dear Mommy22B,

Big hugs! Get some counseling if you can. It's not about your weight, really. I've been there--including the porn thing with Dh, and I've struggled for most of my 35 years with the weight and self esteem thing and been varying weights between about 130 and prepregnancy 245. I'm 5'6" and think my ideal weight is somewhere between 135 and 170. What I've learned is that the self esteem issue is the most important part, and loosing the weight does not automatically create the self esteem. I've been horribly insecure at a trim 135, and I've been very confident and happy (although usually thinking I'd rather be a bit thinner) at 245.

I've also noticed over the years that most people react to me based on my self image, not my weight. I get far more positive attention when I'm overweight and confident than when I've been trim and insecure. Of course, being trim and self confident is pretty cool too, but I've spent more time being trim and insecure possibly becuase I had unrealistic expectations about how loosing the weight would fix everything.

If you want to work on the weight while you're breastfeeding, check out Weight Watchers, they have a program for breastfeeding weight loss. A friend of mine is doing it and is very happy so far. Also, as hard as it is to cultivate the habit, exercise is a great way to boost your self confidence, get healthier and introduce your children to an active lifestyle and help them avoid repeating the weight/self-image struggles.

All the best!
Sarah

[Mommy22B]

Thank you all so much. Being understood helps tons.

Dh is a very good listener. He feels so so bad for me that I am feeling this way. Last night we had another long talk about it and I realized, like one of you said, that losing weight will not help because If I lost weight I would imagine that dh loves me more and I would feel loved only for my weight. Also last night dh told me honestly how he feels. He explained that he doesn't even notice wether a girl is hot or not until some co worker points it out. Anyway, it was a nice talk and he always makes me feel so loved when I am down.

He also suggested that i get into something totaly not related. to boost my self esteem. I think I might try to write, something I havent done in a long time.

Babies are clambering for me so I gotta go,but thank you all, mostly for listening.

Wamly,
Beth

[sarahwebb]

Beth,

You are so welcome! and I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. You sound like a wonderful, loving person with a super, supportive husband. Hang in there and feel free to write--although I don't know how much keyboard time I'll get when this baby finally shows up, I know there are lots of supportive moms here who'll help you cope.

Love,
Sarah

[menanny]

Dear Beth,

You've had such wonderfully supportive replies to your post & I just wanted to add my own encouragement. I began a journey of sorts when DS #1 was born in 1996. I just knew something was "wrong" with me because my eating was out of control and I was deeply depressed. Intellectually, I looked at my life and asked, "what the heck is wrong with me? I've got so much to be thankful for." Then I'd binge some more and get more depressed. Finding a good counselor was the first step in my journey and my life is so different now!! However, it did take 6 years to get here!! But each journey begins with one step. If your Inner Wisdom suggests you find help, then listen! The weight and the porn are issues you must address in your life, but they are not nearly as important as you believing that you are lovely and loveable. Actually, you are a mirror reflection of the Spirit of Life. Wow! Let that sink in for a minute!! I read this great book by Sarah Ban Breathnach called "Something More: Excavating Your Authentic Self". While I didn't agree with everything she said, she really opened my eyes to my "authentic self". It finally became more than just words.

Great advice from your dh to pursue something for yourself. Man, I found that hard to do when I was so down on myself! I wasn't even worth the effort!! Now I'm experiencing an explosion of creativity. After years of leaving that part of myself in the shadows, my home is covered with artwork that I have created and I'm writing almost daily. Is life perfect? Far from it. Yet I feel grounded and confident and loving and patient towards myself. Is that obnoxious to read when you're feeling just the opposite? There is hope, Beth. You have the answers deep inside you. When you believe that, you will begin your journey towards yourself. Another great book for someone who enjoys writing -- The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity. It's wonderful!

Find one way each day to honor yourself. Take baby steps because that is the only way significant change happens.

Hang in there. Sorry if this message is disjointed...I've been interrupted a thousand times.

(((((((hugs))))))))))

[seanjoshmom]

body image

Mommy22B, I wish I had seen this post earlier--I don't know if you are reading to see if anyone else has said anything since lst month, but I wanted to put my two cents in. I totally know where you are coming from. I spent so many years of my life hating my body and feling so bad about myself that I wanted to die. I had bulimia, and even though I was normal in size, I hated what I saw. REally hated it. I felt angry at my body for the way it was, and felt out of control. Through therapy and support groups, after a while I reached a breakthrough. Like others have said, I learned to rejoice in what my body could do and not how it looked. It could run, it could swim, it could give me pleasure, stuff like that. My eating has been normal for a long while, but since giving birth, I have suffered a relapse in the body image department. I had hoped beyond hope that I would not get stretch marks (how superficial!--and what was I thinking--does anyone know anyone with multiples who does not have stretch marks unless they delivered prematurely??!!). But still I hoped. I was sorely disappointed when they appeared all over my stomach, and that I had loose skin to top it off. My stomach looks like an old lady's. And I find it so hard to believe my husband when he tells me he thinks I am sexy and beautiful. Because I don't think I am beautiful. And because I know how much he loved my body the way it was before kids. It is really damaging. I think time will bring acceptance, and just knowing that others have had similar feelings is good. Growing older and realizing that looks are fleeting and that health and love and family and friends are more important will happen. And maybe I should consider therapy again (yeah, with all my free time!!) I have hope--so hope with me. . .

[ladylee]

I hope you're feeling better. I was struggling with similar last week, and had to correct some stinkin' thinkin'....

[zipworth]

Depression ?

Beth,

I am so sorry you have thoughts like this about yourself. I am going to send you thoughts of love and acceptance:better . I have chronic depression that is currently being very successfully treated with Paxil and cognitive therapy. I am no stranger to the thoughts that you are having. I almost ruined my marriage when I became insanely dependant on my husband and would become jealous and insecure whenever he wasn't with me. I felt so defeated after trying everything in my power to avoid going on medication. Now that I am on medication I can laugh at some of the things I used to think about myself. Now that i am well I can see how in the toilet my self-esteem was and I really love myself today. I am confident, and I love other people again. My husband likes the new me too !

I can't help but think that maybe you are suffering from depression. I am not suggesting that you go on medication, because I feel that it is to be used as a last resort. At the very least, you should talk to someone about how you are feeling. I think it is great that you can talk to your husband. I think that also talking to someone who is impartial would also help you. How about your doctor, or a mental health professional ?

Please keep us posted so we know how you are doing.

[asherah]

I was actually thinking depression, too.
My ds is 9 weeks old and I have post partum depression.
There are lots of things going on with me, but I have also been very very upset about my weight.. and pushing DH away because I feel so disgusting.I dropped 20 lbs the first two weeks after ds was born.. and the other 20 just won't budge. In fact I think I gained back a couple pounds.
I don't think I would feel so bad about that if I wasn't depressed overall.
I am going to cognitive therapy and am considering meds.
I hope you do see a counselor, and check out whether this body-image issue is a symptom of overall depression.

[Jennah_Gole]

Oh My!!!!

i was so shocked when i read this post because it was just as if i was reading my own words...i can't tell you how much it touched me and made me cry because it is me 100%. but i can't relate to the porn issue but who knows what my husband is doing maybe its not porn but something else.

actually i was trying some crazy diet when i found out that i was pregnant so now i am even more depressed and think i will gain another 50 pounds that i won't be able to get off.

[Raihana]

I've been there

I understand. Have you tried taking some time off for you? It might help.

For example: I tend to like things I see as exotic. To me exotic is sexy. One thing I did was to take a tribal belly dance course. There were women of all shape & sizes so I wasn't intimidated. We dressed up in beautiful outfits & while men wern't forbidden they never came. It was awesome! My DH supported my decision but he encouraged it even more when he found that the sexier I felt the more he got! LOL While I would still like to lose weight I am more at home in my body now. I try to do something for me (whether I feel like it or not) daily to help me feel beautiful.

My Dh likes to look at porn too. Supprisingly it doesn't really bother me. Men in general are more visually oriented & they are attracted to women in general. I even like to catch him looking at women to embarrass him, he turns such a lovely shade of red! I have become more confident over the years. I have many talents & beauty/sexuality is only a facet. I know he's not going anywhere, he chose me. I refuse to compete with unrealistic views of women in general all I can do is be the best me that I can. I have started to celebrate my unique-ness instead of trying to conform to the masses of women potrayed unrealistically.

Love & healing wishes to you, be gentle with yourself

[nudespirit]

Mommy22B

You know, I think in a way most all women have issues about body image. Look at our media, kind of creates an insanity for us.
I really feel for your predicament and can only offer this.
I had severe self esteem issues, in fact, many of my close friends have gone through what you are going through.
By learning to see the body as natural instead of sexual, we've all healed. My girl friend is 5'4 and around 240 pounds, her husband is quite a bit smaller than she is in size. He ofcourse looks at pretty young girls. but interestingly enough, all of our husbands do that, we just don't care. They aren't going anywhere... in fact, we got them all out to a nudist park. I was the first to strip down, I saw women all over the place that were big, small, medium, young, old, tall, short. It was WONDERFUL! And no one was staring at each other or gawking, in fact if someone is uncomfortable by the way another is looking at them, the person that was offending is either spoken to to discontinue, or escorted out. It was really so safe. And after we did this, and we realized that the body was so not a sexual, but our sensuality and how we relate to each other was, we haven't had a problem since! I don't know, it's how we worked things out. My body image issue is nil because I'm completely happy with how I look and that my husband loves me for who I am now!
Sorry, just my story I guess ) I hope you all can work through this, it isn't easy...

[rianna]

I know I am really late for this thread and hopefully you are doing wonderful. I had to reply because I have also been struggling with this. I am young and pretty.. I was in the best shape of my life before I got preg.. I am also 5'5 and weighed 120 pounds. I gained 60 with my dd.. I am now 25 weeks post and I still cant fit into any of my clothes. I have felt incredible amounts if self hatred and frusteration. I had become suspcious of my dh and started going through his stuff on a daily basis. I found porn mags and my self esteen droped. I felt the same way you described. I am not acustom to havinmg these feelings and men usualy cant keep their hands off me.. but to make things worse... my dh was not sexual. He is still not up to what I need. He told me "i am not very sexual right now", this lasted 4 months. While he was saying these things to me I found more porn.. on the internet and mags.. I was very uset.. why was he not giving me this kind of attention? I have finaly come round a bit... I feel better about myself and our sex life is a bit better. He has not looked at porn now for a while, but the main thing is I feel better. I am still holding on to 15 pounds (you know bf) but it will go. I dont know how to get out of this ditrusting feeling I have about him.. I still harbor thoughts, I still go through his back though not as often... and I still wonder what he is doing when he is not home.. who is he looking at ect...
I hope with the time that has passed you feel better about yourself and have come to terms with the fact that you are a godess. Know your power and be strong.