Handling a "sensitive" toddler

[just_lily]

I know there are some good books out there on this subject and I am going to try to find some at the library the next time I am there. But in the meantime, I am hoping to get some good been there, done that, advice.

I have a 2.5yo girl, K, in my home daycare. We have a lot of issues with whining and pouting, and I need some new ways to deal with this. Her mom doesn't have any suggestions and is dealing with the same things at home.

If something doesn't go her way, or I tell her not to do something, or one of the other kids has a toy she wants, or if a kid takes her toy or pushes her, etc., etc., she pouts. She will put on this long face and either just stand there, or go flop herself down someplace. If I ask her what the matter is she responds in this whine/mumble combination that is completely incomprehensible.

I tell her (many times, every day) that I can't help her unless she tells me what the problem is, and that she needs to use her real voice so I can understand. If she continues to whine/mumble I tell her to let me know when she is ready to use her real voice and I will listen. After a minute or two she will say, clear as day "I'm ready!!" and then when I say "ok, what is the matter?" I get "mumblemumblemumblemumble". Argh!!

She certainly has the language skills to tell me what the matter is. She talks my ear off when she isn't in a funk. I also give her the words to use in different situations, like saying "don't chase me" to the boys at the park, or "I need a hug" when she is feeling sad. But we always resort back to the whine/mumble. Maybe 1 time out of 10 does she actually tell me why she is upset, the rest of the time she eventually gets distracted and moves on.

A lot of the time I can just wait her out, like if we are just hanging out at home. But sometimes I need her to do certain things and am at a loss as to what to do in those situations. For example today as we were arriving home after a morning out she was rubbing her hands all over my DD's face while I was unlocking the door. I said something like "K, don't do that please, DD doesn't like it". She of course puts on the long face and just stands there, sulking. But in that moment I don't have time to wait her out, I need her to get inside, take her shoes off, and go upstairs (we have a bi-level) so that I can unload the babies from the stroller before they start yelling their heads off. So I ask her to do these things and when she doesn't comply I used my firm mom voice (not yelling, just no nonsense) she finally did as she was asked. I am not confident that this is the best way to handle it, but I can't exactly leave her out on the front porch until she comes around.

So if you have any advice, please pass it along. I am losing my mind over here!!

[Jocie]

My nephew tends to be the same way. He would hang his head down sulking and frowning for several minutes. I used to gently tilt his head up at the chin and smile big for him. I would tell him "chin up" "I'm not mad at you and we don't have to be sad anymore, let's be happy and play now, okay?" I would also ask him if he could show me his big smile and he would. Then he would be ok and start playing normally again.
He would also do the mumbling bit when he was upset. I always insist he look me in the eyes when he spoke and I would look back deeply into his showing my attention and that I cared about what he had to say. Although, I would also have to ask him to talk louder cause I can't hear him and make him keep repeating himself until he communicated more clearly. I did this patiently and by the time he got his point across to me clearly, the original problem didn't seem to bother him so much.

That worked for us, hope that helps. Good luck.

[lurve]

i repeat what i think they are feeling. "it looks like you are really mad that you didn't get X toy. you don't like to take turns." that kind of stuff. the do have verbal skills, but at the same time they don't, ya know. so giving them the words helps. then say what will happen. "Charla is taking turn and when she is done, she will give you a turn."
gotta run...

[just_lily]

I do verbalize the feelings thing, but I should probably focus on doing it more. Thanks for pointing that out. It still leaves the issue of the times when I can't do that because I have no idea what is bothering her. If she doesn't tell me "that boy hit me" for instance, and I didn't see it happen, I can't verbalize that it makes her angry and sad when it happens.

It is all a circle, really.

[mommymoose]

oh, my DD is like this, at 2.5 herself... she is so sensitive, and i find that if i think of it as a character fault, it's is much worse to deal with that as a character bonus. she will be a wonderful mama someday, sensitive, and attentive... but for now, when she lays ont he floor at the slightest unhappy feeling, i let her be. if it's an emergency, or a dirty floor, i tell her not to la ythere, that it's dirty... etc, and she usually sulks and finds a place to put her head down and cover her face. i try to reiterate her feelings, or what i think.. but it's usually just resolved by giving her time, and letting her come out of her funk herself!!!

[LynnS6]

Describe what you think her emotions are and IGNORE the pouting. Don't ignore the emotion behind it, but who cares if she spends 5 minutes or 25 gathering herself from a disappointment?

"Oh, it doesn't sound like you're ready to tell me what's wrong right now. I'll be right over here when you're ready to talk." Then check on her every 5 minutes.

I'd also remind you that for toddlers (and she still is a toddler) verbalizing what they're thinking while they're upset is VERY difficult. It sometimes takes more cognitive resources than they have. So, when she's not upset, she can talk your ear off. But her ability to talk might well go out the window when she's upset. So, by giving her time to calm down, you can also give her time to use her words. I'd give her a couple of options to choose from if you saw what happened, and give a generic, "You look upset/angry/mad/disappointed" if you didn't.

I think you handled the getting in the house scenario just fine. You could also approach it this way:
"Honey, did you hear me ask you to move? I need to get the babies in. Please move so we can all come in." If she doesn't move, then I would do what our daycare does "I need to get the babies in. It looks like you aren't moving by yourself so I'm going to help your body move to where we need to be." Then gently pick her up and put her somewhere that she is out of the way. I don't find this to be harmful, I've seen the daycare workers do this a thousand times and the kids respond.

[LCBMAX]

For those times that she's taking extra long to figure herself out, could she have some image cards of different emotions to look at? Happy face, sad face, angry face, etc. I STILL sometimes have trouble figuring out what I am feeling, and listing options really helps.

[CalaRei]

My niece is still like this at 5, though it's possible she regressed recently when her brother was born.

In any case, I find it tough because it almost makes you feel guilty for "disciplining" them with what are honestly gentle little comments. I take the "Looks like you're upset about ___, I'll be right over here if you need anything/to talk/are ready to read a book/etc" approach. I also keep an eye on her because she's liable to seclude herself in another room and mindlessly destroy something while she's thinking - picking at paint or scabs on herself or pulling threads in fabric or the like.

[henny penny]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Describe what you think her emotions are and IGNORE the pouting. Don't ignore the emotion behind it, but who cares if she spends 5 minutes or 25 gathering herself from a disappointment?

"Oh, it doesn't sound like you're ready to tell me what's wrong right now. I'll be right over here when you're ready to talk." Then check on her every 5 minutes.

I'd also remind you that for toddlers (and she still is a toddler) verbalizing what they're thinking while they're upset is VERY difficult. It sometimes takes more cognitive resources than they have. So, when she's not upset, she can talk your ear off. But her ability to talk might well go out the window when she's upset. So, by giving her time to calm down, you can also give her time to use her words. I'd give her a couple of options to choose from if you saw what happened, and give a generic, "You look upset/angry/mad/disappointed" if you didn't.

I think you handled the getting in the house scenario just fine. You could also approach it this way:
"Honey, did you hear me ask you to move? I need to get the babies in. Please move so we can all come in." If she doesn't move, then I would do what our daycare does "I need to get the babies in. It looks like you aren't moving by yourself so I'm going to help your body move to where we need to be." Then gently pick her up and put her somewhere that she is out of the way. I don't find this to be harmful, I've seen the daycare workers do this a thousand times and the kids respond.

This is some wonderful advice! I agree that although her verbal skills may be advanced, her ability to express herself emotionally is still years away. We do lots of "I can see that you are (mad, upset, tired, etc.). It's hard to be (mad, upset, etc). I'm right here if you want to sit with me." Keep checking back with her. And then in a bit we point out the positive "I can see you're feeling better. Let's read a book together." Focus on how she "feels" in that moment (angry) instead of what "happened" (that boy took my toy). Ds is very sensitive and I find that if he feels rushed in almost any way he withdraws a bit. This could explain the mumbling when she feels pressed to explain herself. Since she is not throwing a big, loud tantrum just give her some time and space to sort things out in her head and don't have any expectations of her being equipped to express the situation well.