Time-outs...do you do it?

[mamamiabeans]

I have a very feisty 18 month old and I am thinking about whether or not I should do time-outs with her. I feel like I don't really want to do them (maybe not all) until she is old enough to actually reflect on her misbehavior. I guess I don't really see the point of putting her in time out at this age, because it is a punishment and I don't really know if it will be effective. She seems to understand when she is misbehaving and I'll tell her what behavior I want from her over and over again until I can't take it! Then I'll redirect her and sometimes she will continue with the behavior and other times she won't.

I also don't know what to do in a situation when she does something really bad like whacks a kid a playgroup or something like that. So if anyone has any suggestions for something that works with their family, I'd appreciate it! Thanks!

[sapphire mama]

It is hard to decide the "time out" situation and I really think it depends on the child. Believe me...I know how frustrating it can be. I've been that mom at playgroup that has to apologize for the bruise! In those instances however, I make sure my child apologizes for her action (whacking another kid over the head with a toy) and give them a hug. When I was in college I worked in a child development center and if a child bit another child we would have the "biter" hold the ice on his victims injury. There is a philosophy of parenting and in education that is called Love and Logic and instead of time outs it encourages giving the child their "space". That may be an option for you if you feel your child really needs to be seperated from a group or from a situation. Best of luck

[mom22girls]

I do a pull-yourself together moment for my older girls (they leave if they feel they cannot change their behavior), and they know I use them myself too, but for my young one, I do a time-in. We sit apart from what was happening and try and distract or defuse. Sometimes this is me trying to voice what's going on in her head - sometimes it's me just singing a calming song.

I never, never understood time-out. It seems to me you're fighting a battle with another battle (getting them to stay there) and not addressing the underlying need.

There are times when I think it is appropriate to separate the child from the situation, but it's rarely enforced upon a child to be alone. Just doesn't seem right to me.
-Heather

[lisarussell]

I scoop up the toddler that inflicted the violence and then pay attention to the victim. "oh my goodness, are you OK. I saw her push you and that was not very nice. are you hurt?" i definitely never ever force an apology, I don't think it teaches them to actually feel sorry, and it often puts way too much attention on reciting this mysterious word that has little meaning to them. (and doesn't make the victim feel any better either) I'd rather actually help her understand that the other child is hurt (if indeed the child IS hurt)

mostly, though, i try to be preventative. if I can see that my child is getting frustrated, I will scoop her up & help her focus on something that's not upsetting.

I hope that helps

[kiwiva]

I don't use time-out. DD is almost 3. I am also not planning to. I really don't see most kids reflecting on their misbehavior, no matter what age. They tend to sit there getting really mad at the punisher and sulking, from my experience watching others put their kids in time out. Recently friends of ours put their just-turned-3 yo in timeout in a restaurant. So they forced him to sit in the high chair for the arbitrary 2 or 3 minutes and he screamed and cried and got more and more mad the entire time. I didn't see any point being made to him other than I don't understand why no one is listening to me.

I also don't look at normal toddler behaviors as "really bad." Of course you cannot allow children to hit each other. But at 18 months (and for a while yet) hitting and pushing happens. They cannot communicate their needs well and that's what they do. We didn't have a big problem with hitting, it was more likely to be pushing, but when it did happen I'd try to attend to the "victim" and then bring DD aside to remind her of the rule that we don't do that.

If it seemed like a volatile situation I hovered to try to prevent. If it was/is a case where they same sorts of behaviors keep continuing, then I figure something else is going on-she's tired or overstimulated or whatever and perhaps a change of venue or activity is in order-not as a punishment, but as seeing the need is there for that change. At the young toddler age preventing goes a lot farther than punishing these things after they happen. I lean more towards an unconditional parenting/no punishment approach generally.

[Oliver'sMom]

when ds hits or pushes another child, I also tend to the victim and model the behavior I want my ds to have. "I'm so sorry that happened, are you ok? Ds pushed/hit you and that wasn't right." It seems to be sinking in somewhat because when he sees another child get hit or pushed, he almost always goes to them and asks them if they're ok or if they need a band-aid However, he still occassionally will hit other kids.

When he hits me or dh, we do give him a time-out. We say "we don't hit. I see you're angry right now so you need to sit and calm down." We don't call it a time out, but that's essentially what it is. For ds, it works very well. When he's upset, he likes to have his space, and he's even started to say "I need space!!" and will go in another room on his own for a bit.

[kootenay]

5 Reasons Why Time-outs Can Be Harmful To Your Children

Time-outs are a highly popularized “convenience parenting” technique, and appear to work well in the short term. If you watch any American TV, then you’ll see this concept promoted by “SuperNanny” or “Jon and Kate Plus 8″. The reality is that using time-outs can be harmful not only to you and your child’s relationship, but also to their personal development, self-esteem, and their ability to generally think for themselves. It separates the behaviour from the moment, treats only the symptoms and not the root cause, and puts your relationship in the back seat. Leading child development psychologists agree that the last thing you want to do is separate yourself and your child during times of conflict.

1. Relationship Is Being Ignored

When you separate yourself and your child, you are instantly demonstrating to them that your relationship is not important. When your child is misbehaving is when they need you the most, and your relationship with them is vital. You need to listen and empathize and bring them close to tell them that you still love them, but want to understand what they are feeling. Children will open up very quickly and explain the root cause of their actions when they feel loved, and secure with their parents.

By listening and asking them about what their intention was when they hit their sister, they will then be able to explain that they really were upset because no-one was paying attention to them, and it had really nothing to do with their sister at all. Having a solid relationship with your kids and bringing them closer (not separating them to another room) allows you to get to the root cause of behaviours, and work on solutions vs discipline.

2. Time-outs Appear To Work

The reason that timeouts are so popular with parents is that they actually do appear to work in the short run. When a child is told to go to a time-out, and sent away to their bedroom or a quiet area, they do in fact often temporarily stop the behaviour that you were discouraging. The problem is that, most children, younger ones especially, live in the moment, are impulsive and will often forget what the purpose of a time-out was soon after they start one. You are disconnecting them from the behaviour you are looking to discourage.

For children under age 4 to 5 years old, did you know that they don’t understand consequence at all? Their brains simply aren’t yet developed enough to understand cause and effect - so any kind of discipline similar to time-outs is being completely lost of them! Their left and right brains up to the age of 4 to 5 years old are essentially operating independantly. They are unable to think logically, and with compassion or empathy. They are almost primarily governed by impulse and emotions and will act selfishly when playing with others. Concepts such as sharing are foreign to them, though they may mimick or parrot this kind of behaviour back to you if driven home repeatedly.

3. Easy For Parents

Time-outs are a part of a “convenience parenting” movement which puts priority on the ease and speed of discipline, rather than it’s effectiveness at getting to the root cause of the behaviour. Often parents are the ones who need a time-out to settle down and compose themselves when they are with their children, but with busy work schedules, many athletic activities etc.. they feel their is no time to deal with their kids. Attachment parenting advocates will tell you that times of misbehaviour can be opportunities for connecting and really listening to your kids. It’s rare that a behaviour such as yelling, hitting or throwing food is what it appears to be on the surface. By sitting down, empathizing, and listening to your child, they will soon tell you what is really the matter. This does take time, however, and can not be rushed.

4. Treats Only the Symptoms

Time-outs are really only band-aid solutions for more deep seated issues. If you are trying to punish aggressive behaviour or hitting with a time-out, you are really not getting a chance to understand the root cause of this symptomatic behaviour. By connecting with your child, sitting down and hearing them out, you will get to understand the real intention behind their actions. Empathy is key. Child Development Psychologists such as Gordon Neufeld and others agree that you must “connect, then direct” so that they will ultimately respect you and listen to you.

5. Child Is Not Empowered

When you tell a child what to do using discipline, you are ultimately calling into question their self-esteem. By telling a child what to do, you are discouraging them from thinking for themselves and developing decision making characteristics and self-worth. By “punishing” them with 5 minutes of silence and isolation, they are now going to continue to look to you, the parent, for direction anytime a tough situation arises, rather than think for themselves. They are disempowered from making their own decisions, and are disconnected from the behaviour that you are trying to discourage. Sure, you will need to let them simmer down from a tantrum or tears before discussing the issues they are having. For older children, they will harbour a resentment towards controlling, aggressive or angry parents that don’t let them think for themselves. Excessive use of discipline and separation technique such as time-outs will often result in teenagers who become disconnected, withdrawn to the point where they will eventually “rebel” away from any kind of connection with their parents. The key is to keep the dialogue going, and always work on your relationship.
What Experts Say

Well respected child behaviour and development expert Dr. Gabor Mate M.D. is against time-outs.

Bottom Line

Time-outs are a band-aid solution to what is perceived as a behavioural issue. To equip your child with a mature emotional disposition, let go of your anger and hear-them-out.

More at http://www.rootparenting.org

[Nani]

Here is what works for us:

Hold the child when they are ready (maybe just hands, have them sit in your lap or just eye contact ) while you explain what you saw. Try to have a talk about feelings, theirs, yours and the kid that was hurt. I ask my 2.5 yo if she is tired, hungry, feels alone or bored and then move the conversation to the event and explain how it made the child who got hurt (emotionally or physically), presuming you can really know that. In larger situations that involved tears, etc. I try to include the other child and ask them if they want to talk about it too, AFTER I talked to my kid first.
It's important to just listen to feelings instead of fixing it or presuming certain feelings on either side. And I usually come up with an imaginary scenario how it could have been better or what we should do differently next time we have certain feelings.
Sending them off into a corner just doesn't work, ever, it only builds up resistance and anger. I admit I ask my little one sometimes when thing heat up if she wants to go lay down in her bed for a little bit and she usually does and then after a few minutes (when my nerves have cooled off too) I go lay down with her and we have a little chat and usually decide to get up together and play or eat or go outside or something.

[ouesi]

We tried time outs a couple of times, and they really didn't work for us, so we quit. Twins are now 6, and we are getting more and more creative with our discipline. Its a lot easier now to match discipline to the behavior - but still we mostly just talk about things. "I know you're really frustrated right now, but its not okay to make your sister miserable just because you are. Why don't we try to think of something fun that would make you feel better?"
At 18 months, I would probably just remove them from the situation. And even at that age a simple "its okay to be mad, but its not okay to hurt people" is worth hearing even if it won't sink in for a few years yet.

[mamamiabeans]

Thank you for all of your feedback and great ideas! I think I just felt conflicted because most of the parents that I know use time-out and I just wasn't seeing how it was effective! I felt like I was missing something! Now I am reassured that the way I feel is ok and maybe the traditional time-out isn't the best route my family to take. Thanks so much!

[Violet2]

We do 'take breaks' in DD's crib, but I try to make it an emotionally neutral thing (the degree of neutral depends on my level of frustration) that involves a hug, pacifier, lovey and some books to look at.

My explanation is always, 'this is not how we behave. If you can't do XYZ, then you must need a break'

So now when DD is misbehaving, I ask her if she needs a break. She'll say no and moderate her behavior pretty well. I give her lots of chances to fix things too.

We don't do a time limit-- the goal is not punishment or reflection, it is to take a break and hopefully hit the reset button. It is reserved for the most stubborn behavior that is not responding to redirection. So a last line of defense, not first.

I try to keep the breaks positive and would prefer not to do them at all, but DD does actually seem to need some space every now and again. Sometimes she'll entertain herself in her crib, happily so, for 20 minutes or so and I'm like, should I get her? Or let her play? But she's one of those who takes a looooooong wind down to sleep--it's not unusual for her to play and sing for an hour in her crib before taking a nap.

V

[Aliyahsmommy]

I occasionally use them with my 2 year 2 month old daughter, though they are never timed. They are more of a distraction/break than an actual time-out. I ask her to sit on a step on the stairs, I stay close by, and she can get up whenever she is ready to change her behavior or do as she was asked. This usually takes 20-30 seconds at most. I would say it is more of a time for her to regroup and realize that mommy asked her to do something or not to do something. She never cries during a "timeout" and we try not to make them too much of a negative thing and there are no rules other than for the behavior to change once she decides to get up.
Mostly in our home we know what triggers our daughter and we avoid conflict in the first place, we say "yes" as much as possible, we give her the independence she needs, and we are willing to negotiate!
Here is an example of a timeout today asked Aliyah to help me pick up a bunch of cereal she had dumped on the floor, Aliyah said no. I asked her to sit on the stairs until she was ready to help. 10 seconds later she gets up and comes to help and then we happily continue with our day.

[mamakah]

I do timeouts but not as a time to reflect. Ds is not old enough to reflect. I do it simply because it gets his attention when I remove him from a situation and plop him down somewhere else. I don't force him to sit there either. I usually crouch to his level and say "Your sitting here because you hit me, and hitting hurts. Can you touch mama gently?" He will usually look up at me, caress my face softly and then I tell him I love him and hug and kiss him.
I think any form of "punishment" that is always the same regardless of the "crime" starts to desensitize our kids after awhile. When ds is older, I will use natural consequences. For me, right now, the natural consequence for ds hitting is to be removed from the situation he was in and reminded of how to touch gently.

[phathui5]

We do use time-outs, and not as a "Oh, you need a break." If a child is hurting other children, we use time-out and let them know that they aren't allowed to be around other people if they are doing things that hurt people.

Eighteen months seems young for time-out. The youngest we've done them here is for my just-turned two year old, who went through a time when he was biting other kids pretty often.

[treemom2]

At 18 months, when my children would hit at this age, I would ask myself why they are hitting? Usually my children would hit because they were frustrated, in an overwhelming situation (play groups) or the park, they were tired, hungry, needing my attention, they ate something their bodies couldn't handle (DD can't have artificial colors or chocolate or she turns into a little monster), or they were just trying to be playful. If they were frustrated, I would remove them from the situation and redirect their behavior. If they were in an overwhelming situation or at the park I would also remove them from the situation and redirect (if they couldn't be redirected, then we would leave the place), if they were hungry I'd feed them (I always tried to keep snacks in my purse), if they needed my attention I would try to give it to them, I really tried to watch what they ate (this was hard at gatherings, so we often had to leave early and hit a place to run before going home), if they were being playful I would change it to a game of giving 5s instead of hitting. If they hit another child, I would take my child by the hand and together we would walk over to the other child and I would apologize (at this age, children don't really know the concept of apologizing, so I think it's up to the parents to show them how to do it). If my children hit an animal (they both hit the cat a lot) I would take their hands and show them how to touch the animal gently while whispering "gentle" to them.

Now, about timeouts. . .in our home we do use timeouts. The way we talk about them in our home is when we are super angry and unable speak or act in an appropriate manner we need to take some time for ourselves to calm down. Even I need to take timeouts sometimes from whatever situation. They are not punishment, they are a time to just calm down and breathe. Sometimes my children get so worked up they lose the ability to be rational or to stop hurting. . .these are times I ask them to go into another room to calm down (I also teach them to count, take baths, run around the block) to help them work out their emotions. At 18 months, I wouldn't use any form of punishment or timeout. At that age, children don't have the communication to express their emotions or even to understand their emotions. I think at that age it is all about redirection, caring for your child's needs, etc. . .

[LynnS6]

Time outs are never appropriate for an 18 mo IMO. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't occasionally plop my kids in their crib while I cooled off, but it wasn't a 'time out'.

I have done time outs with my kids when they were between about 3 and 5. For each child, it was because they were out of control, not capable of getting back into control where they were and were either injuring someone, something, or in dd's case, making it impossible for others to do things they needed to do (like ds doing homework).

My criteria for time outs are: (1) The child's behavior is out of control and anti-social and (2) my resources/ability to deal with the child constructively is at an end. When this happens, we need to separate and regroup. An enforced time out is the only way this will happen sometimes for my kids. (Seriously, I would go into my room to cool down and they would pound on the door until it opened (it's got a lock on the inside, but it's not a very good one).)

I do not enforce a time limit to a time out - it's not for 'thinking' about the infraction, it's for removing ourselves from the brink of insanity. I don't enforce any activities - if they want to play in their room, great! In reality, they don't, they sit/stand in their room and scream. OK, but at least it's not directly in my ear.

Once we're calmer, then we reconnect and go on with our lives. There isn't an added punishment. They don't have to be quiet for X minutes before they can come out. We do try to talk if it's appropriate. We get lots of connection, so I don't feel that this enforced break is destroying our relationship.

I appreciate all the reasons that timeouts aren't a great discipline technique, but I think it's a mistake to say that just by empathizing and bringing them close, you can obviate the need for a break.

I also think it's important to separate out the popular notion of time out as sitting for x minutes from a legitimate need for all parties to take a break.

Originally Posted by kootenay

1. Relationship Is Being Ignored
When you separate yourself and your child, you are instantly demonstrating to them that your relationship is not important. When your child is misbehaving is when they need you the most, and your relationship with them is vital. You need to listen and empathize and bring them close to tell them that you still love them, but want to understand what they are feeling. Children will open up very quickly and explain the root cause of their actions when they feel loved, and secure with their parents.

Ah... but your child has to be calm enough to be able to talk semi-rationally. Many children (and some adults, me included) need SPACE to calm down before any sort of talking works.

After we've had the break, we do the listening, the talking and the reasoning. But that break is crucial.

Also, most 18 month olds I know, and many 2-3 year olds have a very very difficult time articulating why they did something. It's just not developmentally appropriate to expect that. For kids this age, removal and redirect works best. But if my 18 month old whacks her brother, it's probably because she doesn't have the words to tell him that she wants that toy now, or that she's really mad at him. I don't need to delve deeper, I need to attend to the victim, remove the perpetrator and look toward prevention in the future. If my 5 year old whacks her brother, then talking is appropriate, after I've attended to her victim and given her time to cool her heels a bit.

Originally Posted by kootenay

For children under age 4 to 5 years old, did you know that they don’t understand consequence at all? Their brains simply aren’t yet developed enough to understand cause and effect - so any kind of discipline similar to time-outs is being completely lost of them! Their left and right brains up to the age of 4 to 5 years old are essentially operating independantly. They are unable to think logically, and with compassion or empathy. They are almost primarily governed by impulse and emotions and will act selfishly when playing with others. Concepts such as sharing are foreign to them, though they may mimick or parrot this kind of behaviour back to you if driven home repeatedly.

I question the veracity of these statements. Do you have scientific evidence to back this up? (There is no evidence, that I know of, for example, that the right brain and left brain operate independently - that's what the corpus collosum is for, and it's functional at birth.)

From what I know of child development: 4-5 year olds CAN understand cause and effect, in small bursts. They can think logically. They can have empathy. In fact, the ability to understand that someone else might think something differently from you develops right around 4 - that's the basis of empathy. Lying often starts around this age, and that too shows that children are aware of other's reactions. This too is foundational for empathy.

Admittedly, empathy is not well developed, but it's there. But it's not there in the heat of the moment, hence the need for a break at times.

[ann_of_loxley]

No, We do not and never have used 'time-outs'.
Here is a good article called 'The Case Against Time-Outs'. (their website is fab so have a look around as well! hehe)

I think its pretty important to sort out what 'time-out' is and isn't. Cause the word 'time-out' is thrown around for a lot of different things. I think here on MDC, people usually distinguish between 'time-outs' and 'time-ins'. Time outs are a punishment. They seclude the child for a set amount of time. They usually follow a required course of action - such as saying 'sorry' or whatever. 'Time-ins' are never forced, they allow the child to learn how to calm down whilst also knowing that strong feelings are okay as well, they are not secluded unless 'they' asked to be left alone, they are always with a loving parent/cargiver (or knowing that they are available when wanted) and allow for both parties to reflect in a natural way/time space. All of this can be achieved without actually punishing your child.

This is pretty funny by Alfie Kohn - its a youtube video. Here it is.

Here is also a good article on tantrums. Cry for Connection: A Fresh Approach to Tantrums. <<< That article changed a lot for me when my DS hit 18 months. It changed my whole perspective and parenting practices and abilities. Cause I will tell you what...The whole 'AP' thing, is great for babies - but when you no longer have a 'baby', its hard to know how to carry on that attachment and connection with a toddler and growing child. You get a bit lost and then all of a sudden you are surrounded by no better advice than the mainstream. It can be pretty darn confusing - but that article helped me to find our path again. It was a life saver!

This is a fab book if you don't mind spending some money, of course you could probably get it at your library too. For me, this is the #1 parenting book. No need for any other book - though they are nice too! hehe

We choose not to use punishments at all. A lot of people I know who use 'time-outs' (aka - a form of punishment) also go on to say how they then relfect on the behaviou, talk about it, feelings and all of that, what they can do instead, etc - after the fact.... Thats all well and good. We simply choose to skip the punishment part. Get down to the feelings. Get down to the underlying need. First.

You can watch some Naomi Aldort on youtube as well.

[Shrijnana]

The only thing I've ever done that resembles a time out is removing my DD from a situation. At 18 months she liked to throw sand in the sand box. Normal, I know, but it would land in other kids eyes. After one reminder, if she continued to throw I'd take her to play somewhere else. I was very calm about it, and it was more of a redirection than anything else.

Now she's close to three and the big thing we're dealing with is hitting her baby brother. Whenever she does that I separate the two of them (which generally means moving her to another room and giving her something else to do). I don't have her isolated in the other room by herself, though. She plays in an adjoining room where I can see and talk to both of them at the same time and move back and forth between the two of them, and I tell her when she's ready to play gently she can return to the same room as her brother. It's usually just a few minutes until she decides to return, and the hitting generally doesn't return with her!

I am HOPING the message she gets is that 1) Hitting hurts and therefore is not the way people act around one another, and 2) Even when she does do something that hurts someone else, she's still part of the family and is still in communication with us.