Please send good wishes UPDATE: Need bullying advice & encouragement pls - Page 2

[daisymama12]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

That's good, the bookstore discussion idea is good. I guess what I was trying to say is that sometimes us moms (and dads) can get so upset that we start projecting our own anxiety and stress about the situation onto the child, and this can happen without even words- they will feel it.
I think I am probably very guilty of that. I am hoping to restart therapy, because I am shocked by how hard this is hitting me.


I think you're doing everything you can, and let me tell you it is not easy to be quiet and stop asking questions. I wanted a play by play every single day. This is me.
Instead I had to just limit it to "Did you have a good day at school?" and then maybe "Is everyone getting along well?" or a quick "How was recess today?" This is what I try to do, with a few more questions, but I try not to. But now I'm so upset with myself because all this bad stuff was going on and I didn't KNOW!!! I feel like a bad mama

If you sense something awful happened for sure you should ask, but if you don't be very casual. These things usually work themselves out, you just have to be kind of on the sideline watching carefully and step in when necessary.

It's the most awful thing I've experienced as a parent, and I was 100% ready to pull my daughter out of her school if things didn't work out. I would never allow her spirit to be broken.

I'm ready to do the same, I hope I know when to if that has to happen. Hugs to you for guiding your DD through that difficult time!!!

I hope things do work out for your son.

Thanks, I hope so too. It has too.

[ollyoxenfree]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things to innoculate your son against social bullying. Think of it a little like a virus. If he knows what good friends are and that he deserves to be treated well, then he has a healthy "immune system". It doesn't mean that the virus (bullies) won't attack, but he has the necessary resources to overcome it and return to good health. It just may take a little time while he sorts it out for himself. I think you have to respect that, even though it's really tough if he doesn't want to talk about it.

Keep on supporting him. Reinforce that he deserves to be treated well. Nurture relationships with other children who demonstrate loyalty and true friendship. Let him know that you will help him out, and stay on top of it with the teachers. Work with them on developing the school's anti-bullying program. Unfortunately, adult supervision can't police every student interaction, so it's tough to make these children stop their behaviour. Developing a strong anti-bullying environment at school is probably the best way to deal with the problem, alongside of developing your son's self-esteem.

A counsellor may help your son develop some coping skills and some more ideas on how to deal with these boys. If you would both like some support and assistance, by all means, it's a good idea.

Oh, and I have known bullied children who survived and became stronger. They had the sort of help that you are giving to your son - parents who stood up for them, and nurtured their sense of self-worth and supported them at school.

I hope this week goes better than last. Best wishes.

[gillibean]

I just wanted to give you support for taking to the school today. When my DD was being bullied I told her that she should tell the teacher. Much later it came out that when she told the teacher, she was brushed off and told not to tattle. I wish I had known earlier and done more a couple years ago. We ended up homeschooling part time last year and now she's happily in school full time (her choice). One issue we have now though, is that DD refuses to go to teachers with problems. She's scared of getting in trouble. Teachers who I thought would be understanding didn't really get what was going on.

I'm so glad you're standing up for your son. I regret not doing more for my daughter. As rough as is was for DD, she has some excellent friends now and it having a great time at school (evidenced by the fact that she asked to attend full days this year and enjoys it).

[daisymama12]

Thanks so much guys. This is SO hard


I am so nervous about today, I am praying that it goes ok for my DS.
I left a message for the teacher, waiting for her to call back so we can make an appointment. My son is so brave.

I just ordered 3 books for him from amazon, about standing up for himself, and one is titled, "just kidding" which is what he is coping with I hope somehow he is innoculated from all of this, and not damaged.

gillibean, your story gives me hope, I really really want to believe he'll come through this and be stronger for it, but I'm afraid. I hope I know when to call it quits and homeschool. How did you know when it was time to do that? Also I have a younger son in gr. 1 who isn't having problems. ok, deep breath, I should just take this one step at a time, right?

[daisymama12]

Just wanted to update for those that have followed our story.

I spoke to the teacher on Monday.

I received a note in the agenda that said she had spoken to DS alone, and then the next day to all 3 boys, and she was confident that things would improve.

Now DH is upset that we haven't been called in for a meeting and feels that the extent of the poor treatment (bullying) has not been exposed.

Our options seem to be:

1. Wait and see if things improve
2. Write a note to the teacher that says, "thanks for supporting DS. We are trying to teach him how to cope effectively with this difficult situation, and appreciate your help." And possibly add a bit on the possibility of creating an empathetic classroom, and emphasizing the importance of standing up for one another.
3. Ask for a meeting with the teacher.

I think #3 is a great option, but I also think the most important thing that needs to happen is for my DS to stand up for himself. This happened 2 years ago, and our intervention stopped it, but here we are, back in the same situation.
He has to learn that they are not acting like friends. Frustratingly, because the 2 other boys behaviour is improving, I think DS just wants it to go back to being like it was.

As I said, he does NOT want to talk to me about all this. I've been told to back off, and not project my anxiety on him, and let him come to me when he needs to talk. I'm trying. It's HARD.

He seems ok most of the time, great some of the time, but I also can sense he is stressed - he's a mixed bag. He does not have stomach aches, not trying to get out of going to school, homework not a problem. But he does have some real moods, and does not want any playdates except with friends outside of school...
I've bought some age-appropriate books on the topic, and he doesn't want to read those, either.

As always, advice appreciated, and good thoughts & wishes too (we need them!)

[One_Girl]

Does a school psychologist cycle through the school on occassion? If not, is there a peer-mediation program there or a teacher who does mediation. The counselor run mediation was very helpful for my dd when she was being bullied, but I think it could be equally helpful with the teacher or volunteer mediator who isn't personally tied in. Some schools have older children train and serve as peer-mediators. I think you should ask the teacher if mediation of some sort is an option and if there is someone who cycles through the school even on a part time basis.

[hayleyvt]

My son is almost 7 and going through a pretty big transition at school. He is now in a mixed classroom with 1st and 2nd graders, which can be difficult. He has told me about some rude things that the older boys have said or done to him. He is not crazy about talking to us either, and if we push him for information, he goes in lock down. So, I don't question him....instead I might talk about a situation that I was in at his age, or I might just give him words to say to get out of a difficult situation.....trying not to be too cheesy or dramatic..."I don't feel like playing that game today"...."It doesn't matter what you call me, I know I am a 'strong' or 'smart' or 'good' person" ...."Look, if your going to be mean, then I am going to play with my other friends."
I also know that one of his friends was being bullyed at school too. I made sure that he knew that good friends stand up for each other...that if he saw someone making fun of or hurting (feelings or body), that he could tell a teacher or use his words to help his friend. This girl has been crying every morning and often calls home to be picked up...recess is by far the most stressful part of her day. I would not have known the extent of her bullying, if I had not run into her mom at the playground. But, I knew that this was something serious, that my son needed to know and that she really needed a friend out there. Maybe you could help your son pick a playground buddy, one that can help him in difficult situations?
Sounds like your son is going through a difficult time, I hope that there are some resources at the school for your family. I cannot believe there is no counselor....I am so thankful to ours, he has been a wonderful mentor for both of my children....maybe this is something that you and your husband could lobby for...or even to have volunteers to mentor children who might need some one other than mom or dad to talk to. Good luck

[ollyoxenfree]

Originally Posted by daisymama12

Our options seem to be:

1. Wait and see if things improve
2. Write a note to the teacher that says, "thanks for supporting DS. We are trying to teach him how to cope effectively with this difficult situation, and appreciate your help." And possibly add a bit on the possibility of creating an empathetic classroom, and emphasizing the importance of standing up for one another.
3. Ask for a meeting with the teacher.

I think it's entirely reasonable to pursue #2 and #3. Send the note, and at the end, request a meeting. There you can tell her everything that's been happening and you can air the rest of your concerns. You will feel a little better that you have had that discussion, your son will see that you will take action even though you respect his desire not to talk about it, and you may learn a little more from the teacher.

If your school doesn't have a lot of resources for anti-bullying, I might bring a couple to the meeting. I'm sorry, I don't have any links, but I know there are anti-bullying websites where you may find some helpful things.

If your son doesn't want to talk to you, and there is no school counsellor, is there another person who could talk to him about being bullied? Someone who could give him support and maybe a "When I was your age..." kind of talk? A favourite uncle? If all else fails, and you really think he needs to talk to someone, many communities have anonymous phone lines for kids to call in. You can reinforce with him that he can talk to you anytime, but if he needs privacy (and some kids do), the phone line is an option.

Sending best wishes for you all.

[daisymama12]

So, today I went to pick up my DS after school, and the instigator boy was being very friendly with DS. He made a point of touching base w/me, telling me DS was on his way out, and then playing after school on the schoolgrounds, and asking if DS could stay longer when I said it was time to go. The other boy wasn't there after school.

Maybe the teacher's words had an impact on him? Maybe he's doing it for show?

I think this week has been extraordinarily stressful for DS, what with the talks with the teacher, us trying to figure out what's going on, etc. DH and I have decided to see how things settle in the next week or so, and try to keep things really neutral/light/fun at home, and see what happens. I'm also trying to keep in mind that every year, September is a transition time for DS. It's hard to know what's what.

If anything seems "not right" by next week, then we'll make an appointment with the teacher. If he seems ok, and things are improving, we'll just keep a watchful eye on the situation.
Does that make sense?

In response to the school resources, we have "case workers" in the classroom. I found this out during the conversation with the teacher, but I'm not entirely sure what they do. She said she might have one get involved.

I have told DS that Dad and I are ready to talk to him about anything, and do whatever it is that he wants to support him, when he's ready. He has said that there's nothing to talk about, it's fine.
I think part of his stress is that we have tried to talk to him too much, iykwim. I think he needs to process, or deal with this his way, for now. Of course we will remain vigilant and try to stay informed, but he is almost begging us for some space... I wish I could just magically know what the right thing to do is, I just keep assessing based on DS, trying to let him guide us, while making 100% sure that we've got his back.
This is tough!

[mammastar2]

I'd see how things go. One thing I've noticed is that interaction among kids do often shift over time, sometimes with adult intervention and some without.

The other kids may back off and a healthier dynamic assert itself, especially now the issue has been brought to the school's attention and their parents' attention. I'd make sure to check back in with your son and let him know that he can come to you, but not cross-examine him about it.

Have you considered having the other boys over for a playdate? It may help change things around, plus you can observe a bit yourself.

[daisymama12]

I thought I'd update to help out anyone going through tough social situations with their kids.

My DS has loosened his friendship with the 2 boys I referred to in the OP. He has spread his social circle wider, and it's been good for him.

This is what we did:

1. Enrolled him in private skating lessons with another kid from class, & brothers (4 in all)
2. Encouraged playdates with other kids
3. Very un-MDC, but we bought a Wii to break the ice on the playdates with these new kids - DS really really wanted one, so we went for it
4. Took him to see other, outside of school friends (school is not the only social part of life)

Instead of always hanging out with the 2 friends, DS started playing soccer or other group games at recess.

He seems much happier.

The advice to pull back emotionally on this thread was very important, too. I think I caused my son problems, because he could sense my concern at the time - whose kidding - my anxiety!
I have tried hard to play it much more cool, and trust in his resilience, but at the same time, letting him know I will go to bat for him, anytime, anywhere.

[amcal]

Awesome update!