or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Did you grow up with two homes-Did you regret your parents divorce?
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Did you grow up with two homes-Did you regret your parents divorce? - Page 2

post #21 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by JSMa View Post
Hi... I was hoping to hear from adults that grew up with two homes, meaning their parents divorced sometime in their childhood. Did you regret their divorce? Or did you think it was probably the best thing they did? When you became old enough to understand, did you appreciate your parents thinking about your happiness?

I'd just like some real feedback from adults who have lived it. I have heard various stories...

If you hated and regretted it... why? Could they have done anything differently to make it better or easier on you?

Thanks for sharing.
Well, my parents never divorced, but I used to pray(literally!) that they would.

ETA: I see that you were basically in the same place as I when younger! Should have read ahead. lol
post #22 of 118
I was relieved when my parents split up. The year leading up to it was not a fun one.
post #23 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I don't think anyone could argue that. But, I'm not sure how it applies to anything in this thread. I'd have loved two happy parents together...but they've been permanently split up for over 16 years. Their first - short - separation was when I was about 16. My dad's still drinking. Sometimes, two happy parents together isn't an option. It just isn't.
I understand that. My parents are divorced. And honestly, I do think it was selfish and immature of them, not to work things out. Of course I wouldn't have wanted them to stay in an unhappy marriage, but sometimes, I think people give up too easily. I am NOT saying that is the case in Jsma's situation I think she HAS tried. But in general, yes, I think people get divorced sometimes for selfish reasons, and don't worry abotu the kids as much as they should. and when i read the sentiment, i wish m parents had split, rather than stay together," i think it lets the paretns off thehook a little bit.
post #24 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by JavaJunkie View Post
Well, my parents never divorced, but I used to pray(literally!) that they would.

ETA: I see that you were basically in the same place as I when younger! Should have read ahead. lol
Like this statement, why not pray that they work things out? I am not trying to be dense. Or are some people operating on the assumption that some marriages are unworkable?
post #25 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
I guess I always wonder in these conversations, why not wish they had gotten their acts together and made a happy marriage together? I am not being snarky. I hear that alot, "I wish my parents ahd split up, rather than fighting for 20 years (or whatever)" why not wish they had just grown up and gotten along?
I don't wish it and haven't in a long time (about aged 8) because I came to the understanding that they did try to work through their problems but in the end realized that no matter how much they wanted to get it all worked out it was emotionally and psychologically better for the children to sperate.

Like Storm says, sometimes two happy parents together is not an option. Even now, years and years later they have trouble being in the same room together. Something about the dynamic is busted beyond repair. And believe me, they have tried over the years to at least form some semblance of a friendship.
post #26 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post
Wow.



I absolutely do wish that. However, in my case, there wasn't a lot of getting along. I could wish for anything, but the only real choices were be together and fight or be apart and be happy. Why is that hard to understand?

Because I think there should be more than those two choices. I'm sorry. I know that it definitely takes two to make that happen. And in a lot of cases only one person is trying. But I've also seen a lot where neither person is trying, and yes, I think that is selfish. Esepcially when there are kids involved.
post #27 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Like this statement, why not pray that they work things out? I am not trying to be dense. Or are some people operating on the assumption that some marriages are unworkable?
Not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer.
post #28 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Like this statement, why not pray that they work things out? I am not trying to be dense. Or are some people operating on the assumption that some marriages are unworkable?
It was pretty obvious that my mom had serious mental issues that contributed to their constant fighting(very inappropriate fighting, dragging us kids into it; fighting about marital issues that the kids should NOT be privy to). Yes, I used to pray that she'd be a normal mother, and that they'd be a normal couple, but I hedged my bets and prayed for a few different outcomes. <halfhearted laugh>
post #29 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
I don't wish it and haven't in a long time (about aged 8) because I came to the understanding that they did try to work through their problems but in the end realized that no matter how much they wanted to get it all worked out it was emotionally and psychologically better for the children to sperate.

Like Storm says, sometimes two happy parents together is not an option. Even now, years and years later they have trouble being in the same room together. Something about the dynamic is busted beyond repair. And believe me, they have tried over the years to at least form some semblance of a friendship.
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.
post #30 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by JavaJunkie View Post
It was pretty obvious that my mom had serious mental issues that contributed to their constant fighting(very inappropriate fighting, dragging us kids into it; fighting about marital issues that the kids should NOT be privy to). Yes, I used to pray that she'd be a normal mother, and that they'd be a normal couple, but I hedged my bets and prayed for a few different outcomes. <halfhearted laugh>

thank you for your honest response. I wonder if tehre are more mentally ill people in the world than we realize.
post #31 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer.
Very true. I used to. I don't anymore. Well, not like I did as a kid, anyway. My beliefs now are more that the gods give us all strength to deal with things, but not necessarily fix things, kwim?
post #32 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Not everyone believes in God or the power of prayer.
I was asking in response to someone who said they 'did' pray.
post #33 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.
My parents married out of love (actually dad married bio mom and mom both out of love). The first marriage... bio mom went a little nuts, pulled a gun and shot my dad. No way there is gonna be any working that one out. The second time, a series of bad choices on my dad's part resulted in a rapid deterioration of the marriage. They still loved each other when they divorced, they didn't want the divorce, but in the end the damage that had been caused was creating a less stable home then a divorce would. Staying together would have been a selfish choice on their part, and my dad has had a tough time moving on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is sh** happens and sometimes you can clean it up, sometimes you can't.
post #34 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.
Well said!
post #35 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
I guess I always wonder in these conversations, why not wish they had gotten their acts together and made a happy marriage together? I am not being snarky. I hear that alot, "I wish my parents ahd split up, rather than fighting for 20 years (or whatever)" why not wish they had just grown up and gotten along?
Because no matter what one wishes for, the reality is that they got divorced and it would have been nicer for everyone if the 20 years of arguments and constant tension could have been avoided.
post #36 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
Thank you for your reply. I get that. But then I wonder, you must have gotten along long enough to make a baby? I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring. Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

sorry for the ramble.
Yes. I've been there. I was that person. The man I kicked out in 2000, and finally divorced in 2002, wasn't even remotely close to the person I married. Some of that was change. Some of that was some (subtle) missed warning signs. A lot of it was that he was a talented liar and created a persona that appealed to me. But, he kept it up for years - we'd been together 6.5 years when we got married. When we split up, everybody blamed me - everybody. Then, his buddy that he went to live with after the breakup learned a few things. He flat-out apologized for the things he'd said about me, including the line, "I couldn't live with him for a month - I have no idea how you did it for almost 10 years."

We used to get along great. On a purely surface level, we got along right up until the breakup. If I found myself in the same room as him today, we could probably have a fun, animated, and even friendly, conversation about what Iron Maiden and Rush are up to, what books we'd read recently, how old friends are doing, etc. But, all the other stuff - carrying our own weight, ethics, values, etc. - we're not even in the same universe now.

And, I was completely ready to provide a loving, stable home for our offspring...all four of the ones I wanted, as a matter of fact. He, however, wasn't...and claimed he was...and was super uncle to his nephew...and said all the right things...and lit up when I got pregnant...and supported me through labour and post-op from the c-section...and when a diaper needed changing at 2:00 am, he was there. He said and did all the right things...until our son was about two. That's when I found out some of the not right things that had been going on behind my back since ds1 was about six months old. That's also when a lot of the wrong things started coming out of hiding.
post #37 of 118
My parents divorced when I was 4 and my sister was 6. My mom had custody, but shared 50/50 with my dad. They lived just 5 minutes apart in a very small town. My mom remarried when I was 7. My step-dad didn't try to overstep any boundaries, and my relationship with him today is every bit as close as my relationship with my mom and dad.

As my sister and I got older, my dad would often join us for get-togethers at my mom and step-dad's house. Now that my sister and I have kids, my dad comes to my mom's all the time when we're there. The kids also get to go back and forth between they're grandparents' houses, and choose where they're spending the night. It's pretty cool for them.

I'm not saying that my parents' divorce had no effect on me. I had some troubles as a teen, and I'm not sure if the divorce played a role in that or not. I don't really care. I have three parents who love me and their grandchildren. I really like the person I am, and I know that everything that has happened in my life has made me this person.
post #38 of 118
I grew up with married parents who clearly didn't like each other. I always wished they'd divorce. My mom eventually did divorce my dad, when I was 17, and she says the reason she finally did is because I jeered at her: "you're always complaining about him but don't have the guts to divorce him."

That said, when I look back now I am very very relieved I didn't have to spend time in a home run only by him, or even in one run only by her. Together they were imperfect but created the consistent home life every child deserves.

(I think most folks here know me well enough to know that I am NOT advocating that children are better off with two parents than one - not AT ALL! I just firmly believe, and can give you backup study citations for support, that all children do better with a consistent home and caregiver, not radical changes - like divorce or remarriage.)

My $0.02, FWIW, as the child of divorced parents who is herself a divorced parent. (No radical changes for my child though - I am an entirely, always-solo parent who has always provided a single, stable, loving, consistent home for my child. )

ETA: I should add that while I don't think I suffered from my parents' divorce, as I was running off to college then and not particularly close to either parent, my then-15yo brother fell into severe alcoholism, drug use, expulsion from school and depression. Then and now (more than 20 years later) he blames my parents' divorce.
post #39 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
I guess I wish ultimately that people wouldn't have sexual relationships with each other if they are not prepared to provide a loving stable home for their potential off spring.
My parents were able to provide two loving, stable homes for my sister and myself.
post #40 of 118
I regretted my parents staying together (which they did for 'the kids').

Seriously, life was horrible. And once they actually did divorce, there was so much hatred (topped off with my mom meeting a guy at the end and having an affair) that they were unable to be in the same room, let alone handle any parenting issues- literally, they had no contact after the divorce when I was 14.

Now, 13 yrs later, they still haven't talked, minus wishing each other well through me My dad is moving in with us and my mom, although more ok now than she was when we first told her, is refusing to visit (but will meet us for dinner and such).

I really believe that they would've been able to remain 'friends' if they had split sooner rather than later.

But, this may not be everyone's experience

oh, and FWIW, my dad suffered from manic depression (undiagnosed) during their whole marriage. He is recieving treatment now which has completely changed him- for the better. My mom feels that she settled for too little, too early. She claims that she was never happy, but became pregnant after a few months of dating and was 'forced' to get married due to her [parent's] religion. They tried, but they probably shouldn't have EVER been together
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › Did you grow up with two homes-Did you regret your parents divorce?