Did you grow up with two homes-Did you regret your parents divorce? - Page 3

[HappilyEvrAfter]

My parents divorce when I was a freshman in high school.

I applaud my dad for "rescuing" me from my mother. I regret that he didn't do it sooner.
My mother has mental health issues that she won't seek continuous treatment for and it was damaging our lives.
I can tell by the state of her life today that I was much better off with one devoted parent rather than two who would always have been teetering on the edge.

But that's just my story...

Do you (in general) believe that people really change that much? Like someone thinks they're getting a certain person, and they do, but 5 years later that person is a completely different one?

Yes, people can change that dramatically.
I know there are aspects of my personality that have permanently and drasticly changed over just the last year.
My Jan 2008 self wouldn't identify with my Sep 2009 self.

[Learning_Mum]

OP - Your DH is not a good father or husband. It would truly be best for your daughter to get out now. Staying together is going to be alot harder for her than if you were a single Mum. She is a baby and already your husband yells at her, that is just going to get worse as she gets older. She is going to see that it is OK for men to be disrespectful towards women and as she gets older she's going to wonder why you're such a 'doormat'. It would truly, truly be better for you to leave. If not for your own emotional health, but for your daugthers. Living with that man is going to give her some serious issues when she grows up.

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by JSMa

Kids always wishing whatever situation they are in was the other way. What does anyone think about that?

I don't think that's true or common. My daughter has said several times that "I'm glad I'm not a switcher and I have the same home every night." (Usually right after a playdate ends early or can't occur because her shared-custody friend - a "switcher," in dd's vernacular - is going to her/his other home.)

Actually I can think of several of dd's friends who say that they wish they had just one home, but I've never heard a kid say she wished she had two. I think kids - including me - sometimes wish their parents were divorced, but don't realize the consequences of, let alone long for, two homes.

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I think what most kids really want isn't the "greener grass" of parents splitting up or not splitting up (whichever they didn't do). . . . I really think a lot of kids who wish mom and dad hadn't split up often really wish mom and dad hadn't had to split up.

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom

My parents were able to provide two loving, stable homes for my sister and myself.

And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

Full disclosure - my parents are divorced. I hated having two places - especially as i got older. and wanted to do things with my friends on the weekends, but was forced to choose between seeing my friends and seeing my dad. Also, i would have like to see my dad every night, rather than jsut on the weekends.

[vbactivist]

[QUOTE=Seasons;14403161]I don't think that's true or common. My daughter has said several times that "I'm glad I'm not a switcher and have the same home every night." (Usually right after a playdate ends early or can't occur because her friend is going to her/his other home.)

Actually I can think of several of dd's friends who say that they wish they had just one home, but I've never heard a kid say she wished she had two. I think kids - including me - sometimes wish their parents were divorced, but don't realize the consequences of, let alone long for, two homes.[/QUOTE]

This is what i meant. But in some curcumstances, like the ops, i understand that a spit is necessary for safety reasons.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

It depends on the people. I don't think I'd like it. My sister probably would have. As for adults...I had a roomie for a couple of years. He lived in about six different places a year before he moved in with us. In between that, and even when he was living with us, he couch-surfed a lot. He was quite happy to go to bed and wake up in a different place every day, or every week, or whatever. It suited him fine. I'd find it hellish, but I'm not everybody, yk?

I've known a few kids - mostly friends of ds1 - who do the two homes thing. A couple of them have a lot of trouble with it (in at least one of those cases, the parents can't agree on anything or resolve conflicts with civility). One of them seemed to like it (don't see her anymore). The others are all in the middle somewhere, as far as I can tell from outside.

[greenemami]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one? Do you knwo of many adults who have two homes? I think people (kids included) thrive on having a single place where they know they know they are safe. I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.

Full disclosure - my parents are divorced. I hated having two places - especially as i got older. and wanted to do things with my friends on the weekends, but was forced to choose between seeing my friends and seeing my dad. Also, i would have like to see my dad every night, rather than jsut on the weekends.

I think the point being, two stable loving homes are better than one unstable, anger-filled home.

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

And this makes me wonder. why wuold two homes be better than one?

I never said it is. All I mean by that is that it's possible to have two stable homes, one with each parent. Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.

[MusicianDad]

I had two homes where I felt safe. Once I was old enough to do it myself, I had free range on which home I went to. My dad's house was cencorship free and my mom's house had meals not cooked by me. While my two families were not as intertwined as doodlebugs' are, they were both stable, loving, safe homes and I was always happy to have the two of them.

Now even more so cause I get three christmases now.

One of the definitions of home is a place that offeres security and happiness. By that definition, I as an adult have many homes.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I've known a few kids - mostly friends of ds1 - who do the two homes thing. A couple of them have a lot of trouble with it (in at least one of those cases, the parents can't agree on anything or resolve conflicts with civility). One of them seemed to like it (don't see her anymore). The others are all in the middle somewhere, as far as I can tell from outside.

To add to this...my son goes back and forth between his dad and I.
Long story on why the marriage didn't work, but it didn't and this is where we are.

My kid enjoys it. It's like a mini-vacation to him. He says sometimes he's sad for so-and-so cause they don't have two houses. He an extreme extrovert though and he does need a break from introvertism, but, overall, he seems happy this way.
Course, this is the way it's been since he was just two so he wouldn't know any other way.

One house seems stifling to him.

Now even more so cause I get three christmases now.

My kiddo would agree with you! he gets two b-day parties each year too.

I'm just glad he's ok with it so far.

[vbactivist]

Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom

I never said it is. All I mean by that is that it's possible to have two stable homes, one with each parent. Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.

I would say that yes, there will always be some instability during a divorce, at least in the beginning, while they're woorking stuff out. Who gets divorced and there is not one issue? If that were the case, then why get divorced?

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom

Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.

Just because it bares repeating.

Instablility is one thing I never felt in regards to my homes.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by vbactivist

I would say that yes, there will always be some instability during a divorce, at least in the beginning, while they're woorking stuff out. Who gets divorced and there is not one issue? If that were the case, then why get divorced?

I believe "issues" are different than "instability".

Trust me, we had our "issues", but I made/make it a point to provide an anchor of stability for my son.

[madskye]

To answer the ORIGINAL POST--

My parents divorced when I was 9 after many years of fighting. I was hugely relieved when they split--the fights at home were upsetting and there wasn't any happiness in our house. My mom and I were happier on our own. My mom remarried a wonderful man when I was 14. My Dad, who is a very engaging and fun guy, was out of my life for the most part until I graduated from college. He was just not part of the picture. At the time, I blamed him, but now that I am older I can see that my mom had a lot to do with it. Also, now that I am older I can see that my mom has a lot issues that could make for an impossible marriage. So, I don't absolve either of them now of the "blame" for not making it work.

I do wish they had gotten their acts together and made it work, but it took many, many years for my Dad to become a person who could handle responsibilities and I truly don't think he is cut out for fatherhood and marriage. I am also not sure, and my mom agrees, that she is cut out for marriage. She has a lot of anger that gets in the way of enjoying life or allowing any flexibility.

When I was a kid, I thought it all worked out for the best.

In my 30's, I was able to look back and see that the whole unhappy situation (not just the divorce but the bad family dynamic) affected me greatly and led to some damaging behaviors and negativity toward relationships.

In my 40's, with my own family, I think it makes me a better wife. I work really hard to make things work--divorce isn't a magic solution. You are still stuck with that person once you divorce them (if you have a child). Even though my Dad was mostly out of the picture, his lack of support and not showing up was a constant issue in our life. I am lucky to have married someone who is respectful and loving to me and our child. But I waited til I was 35 because I was so unsure of the whole institution.

If I were in an abusive relationship or dealing with someone whose behavior was a danger to me or my child I would still get a divorce in an instant though.

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Just because it bares repeating.

Instablility is one thing I never felt in regards to my homes.

I never did either. My sister and I were very young, and my parents NEVER fought in front of us. General unhappiness was the biggest part of their divorce. I don't know that there were truly ever "fights" between them. Their ideals were just so different. They did very well with not exposing my sister and me to their issues. It was and is obvious that we were the most important thing to both of them, and they made sure we were aware of that.

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom

I never said it is. All I mean by that is that it's possible to have two stable homes, one with each parent. Just because the parents are divorced it doesn't mean the children are ever faced with instability.

But they are. The change in family structure alone, even if it is without much conflict, negatively affects kids, especially young kids. We adults may say, "two happy homes are better than one anger-filled home," but for a child

- a child learning boundaries and security and attachment, a child learning independence step by step from a home base of security, a child who needs regular meals and sleep and some routines and sureness, that is, EVERY child no matter how "adaptable" -

that very change is traumatic (whether the child then shows it or not). Isn't this common sense, thinking over WHY we all strive to practice ATTACHMENT parenting?

Now, whether a child's trauma of undergoing her parent's divorce is less than trauma of being abused in a home [I have no comment on whether JSMA's child is being abused], or whether a child's possible trauma should always trump an adult's trauma in staying unhappily married, that I can't say.

[Doodlebugsmom]

Originally Posted by Seasons

But they are. The change in family structure alone, even if it is without much conflict, negatively affects kids, especially young kids. We adults may say, "two happy homes better than one anger-filled home," but for a child

- a child learning boundaries and security and attachment, a child learning independence step by step from a home base of security, a child who needs regular meals and sleep, that is, EVERY child no matter how "adaptable" -

that very change is traumatic. Isn't this common sense, thinking over WHY we all strive to practice ATTACHMENT parenting?

Now, whether a child's trauma of undergoing her parent's divorce is less than trauma of being abused in a home [I have no comment on whether JSMA's child is being abused], or whether a child's possible trauma should always trump an adult's trauma in staying unhappily married, that I can't say.

All I did was post what the OP wanted to know. I grew up with two homes and never have regretted my parents' divorce. I pretty much had the ideal childhood. If people think by having a stable home with both a mommy and daddy is going to give their children a live free of any trauma or feelings of instability, they're wrong. I don't advocate divorce. It would take something very extreme for me to personally get a divorce. I think it can be done gently and with very little (if any) trauma to a child if it needs to happen, though.

[MusicianDad]

Originally Posted by Seasons

But they are. The change in family structure alone, even if it is without much conflict, negatively affects kids, especially young kids. We adults may say, "two happy homes are better than one anger-filled home," but for a child

- a child learning boundaries and security and attachment, a child learning independence step by step from a home base of security, a child who needs regular meals and sleep and some routines and sureness, that is, EVERY child no matter how "adaptable" -

that very change is traumatic (whether the child then shows it or not). Isn't this common sense, thinking over WHY we all strive to practice ATTACHMENT parenting?

Now, whether a child's trauma of undergoing her parent's divorce is less than trauma of being abused in a home [I have no comment on whether JSMA's child is being abused], or whether a child's possible trauma should always trump an adult's trauma in staying unhappily married, that I can't say.

You have just made and excellent argument against:

Single parents marrying
Moving
Having another child
Changing schools
Death in the family
Chronic illness in the family
Changing place of worship
Parent going back to work
Parent becoming a SAHP
And I'm sure many other changes that happen in a childs life too.

[madskye]

Originally Posted by Doodlebugsmom

I never did either. My sister and I were very young, and my parents NEVER fought in front of us. General unhappiness was the biggest part of their divorce. I don't know that there were truly ever "fights" between them. Their ideals were just so different. They did very well with not exposing my sister and me to their issues. It was and is obvious that we were the most important thing to both of them, and they made sure we were aware of that.

Well, what they call a "good divorce" can happen. My parent's didn't have one though! Bad marriage, bad divorce.

My best friend and I both went through our parents divorces at roughly the same time and our biggest lament (still when we are 40) is that the whole thing just really rocked our sense of security. Even though we both knew our parent's marriages were absolute crap--and even though for both of us, day to day life was much less stressful--we were both left with that feeling that after our families dissolved anything could happen. Money issues and moving houses and new step-parents--there's a lot of change that comes along with divorces.

We all have different experiences, and I think a good divorce is entirely possible. I would strive for that if things ever go bust-up with DH, but it takes two.

I'm not against divorce if you can't work things out, but I also can't argue that the kids get out unscathed.

But I'd say the problem starts with the failing marriage--and that it's just as damaging to live in a house with two people who hate each other as it is to go through your family divorcing. Different, but just as terrible.

[Seasons]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

You have just made and excellent argument against:

Single parents marrying
Moving
Having another child
Changing schools
Death in the family
Chronic illness in the family
Changing place of worship
Parent going back to work
Parent becoming a SAHP
And I'm sure many other changes that happen in a childs life too.

No, the studies show that parental divorce and remarriage are uniquely traumatic to kids, while the other changes you mention are short-term and can even teach adapability.