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Did you grow up with two homes-Did you regret your parents divorce? - Page 5

post #81 of 118
I have removed several posts from this thread. The first post was because it did not contribute to a comfortable and respectful atmosphere. The remaining posts were removed because they were quoting or responding to the UAV. Now, back to your scheduled program!
post #82 of 118
My parents divorced when I was five and my brother was three. I don't remember ever being concerned about it. My dad stopped seeing us when I was in third grade but he wasn't that nice so it really didn't bother me. We saw him so rarely anyways before he stopped coming around. Now that I am older and my mom has told me about her first marriage I think it was definitely the right thing for her to do.
post #83 of 118
I have not read any replies. I wanted to post my gut reaction to the question.

My parents separated when I was 9 I guess it was (they never married). Thank GOODNESS! My father was physically and mentally abusive toward my mother. I lived in terror and I thank God every day she got brave enough to do it.

But I HATED it every day after up until this very day.

Part of this is because of the person he was and still is. Any man who is abusive toward his partner is... well.. you know.

But really the real issue was that I resented being pulled away from my own life once or twice a week to see him. I missed my room and my bed and my routine. As I got older I was put in this terrible place of going to see him or go to things like birthday parties or sleep overs.

There were other issues too. But the resentment of having pieces of childhood interrupted... stolen really... because of choices made by those who were older and "wiser" and that I had no control over. It still makes me mad! What 12 year old should have to choose between going to her father's and going to a friend's house, participating in an extra curricular activity, taking a baby sitting job, etc? If they had had a different relationship I could have had a normal childhood. Instead, I had to sacrifice for them. Really, why?

So... today... I'm married. Have been for 8 years. I have two kids with a third on the way. I married a man who is as insanely OPPOSITE of my father as could possibly exist. My dad knows it too. He's complimented me for making wiser choices. Come heck or high water I will NEVER get a divorce. Ok, never say never. There are deal breakers (abuse). But really, I will do EVERYTHING I can ever ever ever think of to keep my marriage strong and healthy. I don't want my kids to grow up the way I did. They deserve so much more than I ever got.

Separation was the single best thing my parents ever did. And while I absolutely HATE that I had to grow up in a split home. It had to be done. My life would have only been INSANELY worse any other way. But I will draw from that, learn from it, and make my life for my children different. They deserve nothing less than me giving EVERY LAST OUNCE OF SOUL I HAVE to keeping a loving and peaceful marriage with their father.
post #84 of 118
I think an important distinguishing factor is whether or not the parents live in the same city. If kids can easily arrange to see the same friends at either house, that's easier.
post #85 of 118
My parents separated when I was 3, divorced when I was 5. It really was the best possible thing they could have done, both for them and for us. We all lived in the same town for most of my childhood, and my dad lived right across the street from my school, so we saw them often. The best of times was when they could be amicable about our upbringing, schooling, etc. It was awkward when they fought, but I suspect it would have been even worse had they been living together and fighting constantly. Oh, it was also awkward and confusing when they occasionally slept together. I wouldn't recommend that.
post #86 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
I think switching between homes has huge drawbacks, even if the homes are pleasant.
not necessarily true.

IF... and only if...

the children's opinion is taken into account.

my friend's parents lived a block from each other.

the kids would go in and out of the house as they pleased. who to spend the night with.

both parents were truly commited to making it work for the children. so they were able to put their differences aside when the kids were young to spend ocasssional time together - going out for a movie or dinner where they were civil to each other.

so yes it can happen. it can be done.

my friend and her siblings grew up not wishing they hadnt divorced. in fact they liked the two houses for the opportunities it gave the kids to get their own way. they were happy how things were.

which is all the more reason to have a v. amicable divorce. which is usually not the norm.

i know so much is because she did the same thing herself. and in her case as with mine - the husband was done in a relationship. they tried the relationship but after 5 and 8 years they couldnt go on that way anymore. a relationship was too much work and they didnt want to do it anymore. it wasnt the wives. it was them. they were done. to date 6 years later neither my ex or her ex are in a committed relationship.
post #87 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
and when i read the sentiment, i wish my parents had split, rather than stay together," i think it lets the paretns off the hook a little bit.
i'm the opposite. i think that all the "staying together for the kids," and modeling a completely dysfunctional relationship for your children lets WAY too many parents excuse the damage that can be done to children growing up in an unhappy home.

my parents finally divorced when my brother was 18 and i wish they had done it long long before. mostly because my dad became severely depressed and drank himself into the hospital and now suffers from permanent brain and nerve damage. requiring my brother and i to take care of him for the rest of his life.

at least if he had done it sooner the burden for care wouldn't be on us.

i also learned some pretty HORRIBLE lessons on what a relationship should look like. those lessons have taken a long time, some very nasty relationships, and some therapy to overcome.
post #88 of 118
Dh's parents divorced when he was 8 or 9 (I think). While he understood that they just couldn't work things out, he's said that he felt abandoned by both parties. It got worse for him when his mom got a new boyfriend and was spending lots of time with him and dh (as a preteen and teen) was often home alone while she was with New Guy.
post #89 of 118
DO I have regret for my parents getting divorced? Uh no. The only people who should have regrets are my parents. It was them who couldn't get along and deal with life together, it had nothing to do with me and at the same time everything to do with me.

They were supposed to have joint custody, but my stepmom made that extremely difficult to even accomplish, and by the time I was like 16(they separated when I was almost 11) I didn't even want to go to my dad's house. The saddest thing, I was daddy's little girl my whole life, then my stepmom came into the pic, they got pg, had twin girls and I was like the old kid just kicked out of the pic. It SUCKED. I hated my life. Then there was my mom, who does love and did take care of me, but my mom has her own issues. She doesn't really know how to be a good mom in some ways, her mom is awful and self absorbed and my mom does carry some of that same baggage. I was in some ways a pretty neglected teen who did what ever the heck I wanted and then they wondered why when she tried to parent me I rebelled so badly. There was very little structure in my teen years. I was left home ALONE a lot, actually much of my life I was alone after school a lot.

It took me meeting my DH at age 19 and not having a real relationship with my dad for years. My stepmom seeing my little sisters friend's parents go through a divorce at the same age and our having a baby to finally heal our relationship. If anyone had told me that I would have the relationship that I do now with them 15 years ago I would have laughed my butt off, it would have been the most unrealistic thing I'd ever heard. If someone told me I'd actually like my stepmom, I would have told them they were a total liar. Truth be told though, I do like her and I love my dad again. I have a great relationship with my sisters.

My only regret I guess I wish that my mom and dad had gotten divorced when I was younger-I think it is really hard on an adolescent who already has pre-teen issues, that whole age is just pretty awful.
post #90 of 118
Thread Starter 
Thank you all so much for sharing!

It seems a lot of people hated the bouncing around from houses... but I don't see anyway around that one.


Quote:
Originally Posted by PlayaMama View Post
i'm the opposite. i think that all the "staying together for the kids," and modeling a completely dysfunctional relationship for your children lets WAY too many parents excuse the damage that can be done to children growing up in an unhappy home.

my parents finally divorced when my brother was 18 and i wish they had done it long long before. mostly because my dad became severely depressed and drank himself into the hospital and now suffers from permanent brain and nerve damage. requiring my brother and i to take care of him for the rest of his life.

at least if he had done it sooner the burden for care wouldn't be on us.

i also learned some pretty HORRIBLE lessons on what a relationship should look like. those lessons have taken a long time, some very nasty relationships, and some therapy to overcome.
This sums up my gut feelings a lot because I grew up in a dysfunctional home where my Mom stayed with my Dad because of us kids... and still stays with him because she has vested too much time in to just walk away and she doesn't want to be alone...

I now know, this is why I suck at picking relationships... and my Mom still downplays how their marriage and fights and chaor affected me and keeps telling me to "grow up and leave childhood things in the past." Forget that the "childhood" has emotionally screwed me up...

I guess, damned if I do and damned if I don't... I know my DD won't have two stable homes if I leave... my H can't figure out responsibility to save his life it seems.

Thank you all for the insight though... I do appreciate the feedback.
post #91 of 118
I have experience with two divorces.

The first was bio dad and mom. It was a giant, complete and total relief when he left. Its not that he was awful. He was not abusive just completely disenaged, selfish and not interested in being a husband or father. Money issues created a huge amount of stress in the household.

No jumping household issues because he was more concerned about doing his thing than visitation.

She kicked him out, we lived better mentally and physically, on my mom's income alone than when they were married. I often think about this when I see posts about not being able to financially do it as a single parent.

Fast forward, Mom remarries and step-dad becomes my true Dad in every way. They divorced when I was well into my 30s and it was so awful in so many ways. It destroyed our family. It was like a death.

There is plenty of blame to go around but the biggest issue for me is my mom could have enacted positive change years ago but choose to "not rock the boat" because it was easier for her.

She sees herself, 100%, as the victim. I don't. Sometimes I have don't have a lot of respect for her and I struggle with that.
post #92 of 118
My parents seperated when I was 4 and divorced when I was 5. My father was mentally and physically abusive to my mother and brother.

While I absolutely hated my childhood and the going back and forth, it would have been much, much worse if my mother had not divorced him. If my father was a better man, it wouldn't have been so bad. But, then they wouldn't have divorced.

In the end, I think you have to be somewhat happy to be a good mom to the LOs, yk?
post #93 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vbactivist View Post
and when i read the sentiment, i wish m parents had split, rather than stay together," i think it lets the parents off the hook a little bit.
Are children responsible for keeping their parents on the hook? I don't think so.
post #94 of 118
My dh's parents divorced when he was 14. They really put him in the middle. As in, his mother saying, "Ask your dad for the support check when you go over there."
That was hard on him. Oh, and the fact that he met his dad's new girlfriend (now wife) for the first time when he went on a Christmas vacation with his dad to Mexico. It was SUPPOSED to be just him and his dad. But this "strange" woman AND her kids showed up, too. That was stressful for him because he hadn't met her/them before.
post #95 of 118
My parents divorcedn when I was 17. Divorcing earlier would have made little to no difference; they were both emotional cripples before and after it took place. The divorce itself truly showed me some things about my parents, such as how they put themselves as individuals first when it came to many things, which was pretty destructive to our emotional health as kids and as adults. It was also a royal pain in the ass after they divorced since it meant schlepping between homes, especially at Christmas. I hated Christmas for many years because of that.
post #96 of 118
Haven't read the replies . . .

My parents separated when I was about 4, but didn't get legally divorced until I was more like 9 or 10. They tried the groovy co-habitating thing for awhile but it didn't work out.

I had a total nightmare experience, but it wasn't because my parents were divorced or because I lived in two separate houses. It was because they turned the divorce into a neverending nightmare. Not speaking to each other, talking badly about each other, court battles that never ended, putting us in the middle, etc. etc. Every way they could screw up a divorce, they did. They were in and out of court for, I am not kidding, over 20 years, over nothing more than trying to make the other one's life miserable. (Well, this was really more my dad's agenda than my mom's but she had her own screw ups). Duplicate holidays, duplicate birthdays, guilt guilt guilt. They weren't in the same room together until the rehearsal dinner for my wedding when I was 26, and at my wedding my dad refused to take a family portrait if my mom was in it. It tainted not only my entire childhood but my young adulthood as well.

I can't describe how much it sucked. If they had simply gotten divorced, and been civil, everything would have been fine. So, there is getting divorced, and then there is HOW you get divorced, and it's a world of difference.
post #97 of 118
My actual biological parents' divorce was great. I was sad at first, but it happened when I was just 4, so I got used to having two separate homes pretty fast. It made it easier that they lived in the same town, too. But they got along great, which was the most important thing. That really determined how everything was going to go.

I only wish my parents had divorced their subsequent spouses as soon and as cleanly!
post #98 of 118
I'm so glad my mom left my dad. She was able to get herself together. He never did. We had one home, with my mom, while my dad floated around in his own cloud of self-pity and abuse. Too bad for him! They didn't get along but my mom let him have his own relationship with us and never spoke badly of him until much later, when he got into harder drugs when we were in our teens. She wanted to warn us in case he asked for support, that he was an addict.
post #99 of 118
So glad my parents divorced - they separated when I was 4 and the divorce took a long time to complete. It would have been hell to grow up in a house with my parents together. Our lifestyle took a huge dive, but it was well worth it. I am certain my happiness, and my brother's, played no part in their decision to stay together or split. I hated going between two houses, even though we only saw our dad every other weekend. But, it was better than all living together.
post #100 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post
I think an important distinguishing factor is whether or not the parents live in the same city. If kids can easily arrange to see the same friends at either house, that's easier.

No, not necessarily. My parents lived within a couple of miles of each other most of the time I was growing up. But my father's house what not a house to bring friends to. Even if I wanted to (and I would have rather died) he wouldn't have allowed it.

On top of that, dad's time was supposed to be time WITH HIM! Not time with my friends. And since it was HIS time activities had to be scheduled around it. The thought being he saw me so little (three days a week at one point- Tuesday into Wednesday and every weekend) that it could not be interrupted by other things.

So for me, an important distinguishing factor is not just that parents are close, but that the children are able to have a childhood and all their free time isn't used up visiting either parent.
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