Respinding to a Bossy and Rude Two Year Old

[Enchanted Gypsy]

I tried this before but got little response, so here goes again..


My two year old has been bossy and rude lately. When we have guests over she might tell them..

"this is my house, you cant be in my house " and hit them in the leg.

What is the best way to respond to this ? I want to honour her feelings but at the same time help her understand that it is not a nice way to talk to people. I mean, what she is saying is rude but I dont want to discount her feelings if that is what she feels.

How do I ask her to nicely rephrase what she is feeling ?

Either way I guess it's rude for her to tell someone that she doesnt want them at her house.....

[sehbub]

In that situation we remove the child from the situation, sit down and talk with them, and wait until they're ready to come back and be kind. They don't have to apologize (at that age they wouldn't understand the concept, generally) and don't even have to speak, but they are not allowed to be blatantly rude to guests, nor are they allowed to physically harm anyone, ever.


FTR, there are times that we've removed a kiddo (DD3 is going through this phase right now and is removed from bothersome (for her) situations on a daily basis) when that child has not wanted us to stay with them. We follow their lead. We always take them to their room, so they're on their own turf. All the kids know that their room is THEIR place. Even the 2 1/2 year old knows this, and we knock before entering his room even if the door is open. They understand that common areas are common and the same expectation of privacy isn't there.

Good luck!

[ssh]

It's a phase and will get better. Two is abit young to understand hurting other peoples feelings, but as she gets older she will care about other peoples feelings more. My DD is almost 4 and just reminding her something is rude usually changes her behavior. When she was younger I'd have said "of course it's your house but having guests is fun" and then I'd have said 'I'm sorry' to our guest and said DD was just having a barbarian moment or we have a wild little human is our household. She's usually very polite and socially charming now, and all we've ever done is modeled polite and appropriate behavior.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I usually say something like "well its my house too and I would like to have so and so here"

Or "yes it your house, and my house, and dp's house, and g's house, and s's house, and m's house, and s's house and we all live here together and we have to share our house with other friends too sometimes."

[One_Girl]

I would respond with "You may not hit our guests." Violence isn't something that I ever accepted as a valid expression of feelings and I am very glad I didn't when I see threads about older children hitting people. I would also act out a game where guests are coming over and not wanting them over and how I would want to gently phrase this and I would be careful to have my dd in my arms where she can't hit someone when guests first come in. If you think she is expressing frustration over the lack of attention for her when guests come over then you need to find a way to address that also. Making the visits child centered may help her see the value of having guests. What does she do before she goes over and hits the guests? Does her body language change? Can you go to her when you notice she is starting to get upset and redirect her to something fun and engaging?

If these visits are adult centered then I think you should find a way to do less of them and maybe find a babysitter to entertain her in a back bedroom or a family member to watch her in their home while you enjoy this time. When she is another year older she will have the self control to tell them to go away without hitting them so if you can just prevent this and hold off for a while on the parties then I think you should.

[peaceful_mama]

I have to respectfully disagree with not having people over because a 2 year old is acting this way.

I'm assuming adult-centered visits are not a *daily* occurence or even a super-frequent one.

It is OUR home. ALL of ours. If they do not want to be around a person DH or I have visiting, I'd kindly inform them that this person is our guest and they can either be polite and stay with us or they can go to another room if they don't want to be around this person right now. (THEY can decide when they want to come back, or if.)

I'm sure there will come a day when they will have guests that *I* wouldn't want to be around for more than a couple minutes. And when that day comes, barring any **MAJOR** reasons for parental disapproval, *I* will be polite when I see this person, but I'll find things to do in another part of the house.

DH speaks another language, and I don't love it when his friends come for hours....they talk, I don't understand, I'd rather be spending time as a family, whatever I might be thinking....one, it's a rare time they come anyway. So, two, I greet them. I offer refreshments. And then I disappear to nurse the baby, put away clothes in the bedroom, hang on MDC, I can find thousands of ways to put that time to good use that don't involve sitting in the room with these people.......who are not bad people, don't get me wrong, I just don't really enjoy sitting and not being able to converse.

I expect my children to eventually be able to do the same, so I will gently give them options. (I *do* by the way like the idea of a babysitter in the house, so that the child still gets to be on 'her turf', she gets special attention and fun, and both parents can be with the guests, assuming that's what they want.)

(So far I haven't really come across this, they'll play a little shy and hang on me but then they are running and talking and showing off )

[jojoboy]

Totally agree with peaceful_mama and other posters. My kid can be polite around company or he can choose to go into another room.

On another tangent - I was wondering if you had any ideas where your daughter has heard things phrased like this before. Maybe from other kids (kids can be really possessive, especially around other kids). Anyway, I find that sometimes if I speak with my son about how others talk to him a certain way, and why we don't speak that way to other people, it also helps.

[Just1More]

I read your other thread, too...

What I do with my little ones goes something like this:

(with very short sentences on purpose, all the words said clearly and slowly, yet, still naturally. I use the child's name and not a pronoun. I think it makes it clearer.)

DS was playing cars.
DS wanted mama to play cars.
Grandma came inside.
Mama is talking to gma
Mama is not talking to DS
mama is not playing cars with DS
DS is sad.
DS wanted to play cars with mama.
Mama will play cars with DS
Mama will play cars as soon as....
See?

(And I move to do whatever I have to do to quickly get in a position to play with him or whatever, and then I do. I can visit with a grown-up while I sit on the floor and play with DS.)

I know it seems like a lot of language for a 2yo, but speaking slowly, clearly, and simply, he really does get it. His expression changes and I can tell he's thinking. By the time I'm done, he understands what's going on, why he acted the way he did and what we are going to do about it. And his tantrum or whatever stops. It's worked since he was just over a year old.

I don't talk at all about what he actually was doing, or if I do it's a short comment like, "Oh, that wasn't a very nice thing to say/do. Gma is sad." But, usually, I don't mess with that. He didn't MEAN to be mean...and that's the whole point. He just needs helped through what he did intend to express.

Children are capable, I believe, of being stinkers, though. He sometimes does intend to be mean. He's not culpable of it as an adult would be, but he is trying it on for size. It's not a habit I want to excuse or encourage. So, if I think he's acting for reaction (I use this more with my 4yo dd), I say something like, "Well, if you are not going to be nice you'll have to go (pick your spot). We're going to have a good time in here and you can't stay if you act like that. So, do you want to go or are you going to stay?"

[lisarussell]

Hello, first of all, I'd rephrase my perception. Instead of saying "My 2 yr old is bossy & mean" I'd say to myself "My 2 yr old is distressed in certain situations, namely when other kids play with her toys"

it helps to understand from her perspective, so that you can help her find a way to deal better.

My favorite (lately) quote on this is from Abraham Hicks CD that says "Kids have the right to respond honestly to any situation"


calling her names, and addressing the behavior doesn't help her to change how she feels about the situation, which is WHY she's reacting that way.

Knowing she does this, I'd spend time preparing her for company by discussing which toys she wants to share and which toys will be put up. Imagine if you had a friend over and they simply started opening your cupboards and rearranging your pots and pans or something. The home is her space, too. She's not wrong to feel possessive. Help her prepare.

When she says "you can't be in my house" then - if it were me- we'd all play outside. Although I'd make sure she seen me asking the "victim" whether or not his leg was OK.

On the way outside "Boy honey, you looked really upset when he was playing with your doll, are you OK?"

I would really try not to focus on the behavior. Look at it like a symptom, and not a disease. Always try to find out what she's feeling, all is well.

And I don't want to come off like I'm bashing you or anything, especially since I rephrased your words, I hope it's received with love & understanding, that all is well, we all need a reminder every now and then.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Just1More

DS was playing cars.
DS wanted mama to play cars.
Grandma came inside.
Mama is talking to gma
Mama is not talking to DS
mama is not playing cars with DS
DS is sad.
DS wanted to play cars with mama.
Mama will play cars with DS
Mama will play cars as soon as....

This seems to be too much. The small sentences are, to me, more confusing than using a couple of bigger ones. I'd say, "X is my guest, and it's impolite to say you don't want her here. Would you like to go in your room and play?" I don't think it's necessary to say that I'll play later because that's not the point. The point is that we don't tell other family members' guests that they aren't welcome.