My Story

[danjelle]

Hello everyone,

I am new here, so I thought I would share my story. My name is Danielle. I am 26 and I live in New Zealand. Since September of last year I have been trying to conceive. I tried four times and used to get really excited every time, always thinking "this is it, this time I'm going to be a pregnant". I would even look online and figure out what day this baby was going to be born. I had a really regular period - coming every 27days like clockwork. I didn't realise that this was probably because I had come off the pill in June which was likely to be affecting my fertility as well.

I got quite distressed after attempt number 4. I told my friend who is acting as my donor that I wanted a break, and that I would understand if he was unable to continue after, but that I needed a break to get my sanity back. He was so lovely and said that he completely understood, and that whenever I wanted try again he was there with an endless supply of his donation.

Now we have started trying again. I sit here with no pants on right now feeling a bit gross as gravity plays its part and things start to leak out. This is attempt number 3. Our method has been that I would leave a key for him somewhere, he would do his business and leave his stuff for me, then text me when he was done and gone. I would be waiting nearby and go home and get it inside me with the aid of a needleless syringe, then lie with my feet up for half an hour. The last two times to make things more convenient for him he has done his part at home and left it in his letterbox. I would be parked up the street and he would text me once it was waiting for me. I would drive home - about 5 mins away and then do my part.

Things have changed a little from the first time we had tried. I now use those cheap OPKs and know my cervical mucus very very well. The first set of attempts were all based on "okay, 27 day cycle, 14 day luteal phase, so lets try 13 days into my cycle". I've learned a lot since then. Not everyone has a 14 day luteal phase eh? Would have helped to know that earlier!

I have had a few problems with the OPKs. I never really get a super true positive. What I have been finding I do is keep trying for a few days waiting for them to turn just that wee bit darker and then I get a bit now or never about it so go for it, but by then my already light cervical mucus is barely there. This time I waited til I saw a change - barely any line on one day of testing and then an almost positive the next day, I took that to be my spike in LH.

Also I have had problems with my cervical mucus. TMI alert - skip to the next paragraph those faint of heart! I have found it quite hard to find the stretchy stuff unless it's just after I've done a poo. There is quite often the creamy lotion kind stuff near the opening of my vagina at the same time though. So I just hope that it's up there when I put the sperm in, and don't poo before I put it in either. I need it in not out But then there's the problem of after ovulation there is still some stretchy stuff all the way up til my period. Not heaps but some. Not sure if this is a problem, but putting it out there.

The other problem I have been having is with my cervical opening. For women who have not given birth vaginally it is supposed to be like a dimple hole. Women who have given birth should have a slit for an opening. Well, when I went to get an STD check not so long ago the doctor was looking up there and goes "hmm, you said you haven't had a baby is that right?" and I said "Yes, why what's wrong?" and she said "Oh nothing, everyone is different". So I was having a real poke around up there the other day and realised it felt like a slit, nothing like a dimple at all! I googled for hours and couldn't find anyone saying anything about this. Anyone got any ideas what it means?

That went on longer than I expected but I was so relieved to find a message board for queer folk. It has been such a lonely disheartening journey so far. My donor is one of my best friends, but we don't talk about this at all very much. He is not very good at emotional support. No one knows we are trying for a baby, not even my partner (she came along in January of this year, so we'd already had the first set of attempts done by then). She has been away for the past few months which have meant that I'm doing this a bit on the sly. My friend didn't tell his boyfriend either. It had been on the cards hypothetically about a year before we tried the first time around, and he had known then that my friend had said he would do it, but I think a lot of people thought it was more in the realm of "never going to happen". They ended up breaking up between the first set of attempts and the second set.

Anyway, that's who I am, and what I'm doing. I have read over a lot of the stuff on here and it's all really helpful. I now being the wait. Please please please no period this time!

[osker]

Welcome! I'm glad you found us!
If you check out the queer and ttc thread you'll learn a ton of information in no time at all!
As for things you've said you worry about... hmmm... have you ever done a cycle where you continue to use the OPKs after you inseminate? It might be worth continuing them on for a while longer to see what that later egg white CM might be all about. You could be ovulating late and have a short LP, you know? (not necessarily, just speculation)
It sounds like your friend/donor is really supportive. That's great! I know, for me, it really helps to talk with my wife about everything. I don't think I could go through the ups and downs without her. For example, right now she's feeling pretty calm about things and just moving through the next steps needed for another insemination and also moving forward toward foster/adopt at the same time. Me? I'm feeling depressed about the whole thing and slightly on the hopeless side. I'm stuck right now and can't make any moves toward foster/adopt because it feels like giving up. So, because we talk about everything, we support each other and she's moving along the foster/adopt train a bit more than me right now. If you don't want to talk to your partner about it for various reasons, is there a close friend that you could let in on the ttc secret? Someone who might be supportive of you and your choices? It helps to have someone to keep you motivated and pick you up when you're down.
This ttc thing is quite a roller coaster.
I'm glad you found us!

[wehrli]

welcome! i'm glad you found us too! having this message board has been more than helpful!

question: do you do BBTing? have you confirmed that you actually do O? i just wonder because i have had the same problem with OPKs and when that happens i have had anovulatory cycles. like, my LH starts to surge but then something causes it to not quite happen.
i also can relate to you on the scant CM... i have only one day of EWCM and i can only find it by inserting the speculum and removing it, i check the CM on the speculum, most often because i rarely find anything other than creamy at the opening.
i agree with osker that you should continue OPKs until you A) get that real surge or B)until your temp rises.
if you don't temp, i really would suggest it to see if O is really happening. it is the only way to be sure it's happened.
good luck!

[jjnoho]

welcome danjelle - you didn't mention how many times you are inseminating each time. with fresh available readily to you, i hope you are putting it to good use and doing more than one insem each cycle.

i don't have good luck with opks either and i do ovulate regularly. somehow when i test or how much fluids i have had or something seems to make it difficult to get a true +. i get close to as dark as but never seems to get all the way there. for that reason, i rely very little on those results. i rely more on watching my cervix with a speculum. i watch as it opens and that is how i usually time the insems combined with cm, temps, and opk. i typically get strong ovulation twinges so that is a good indicator as well.

not sure if you can get stephanie brill's book in new zealand but it is a fabulous resource to all queer people trying to conceive.

good luck, jj

[danjelle]

Thanks for the warm welcome

I'm really glad that there is a community here of women going through similar things to what I am experiencing. It really does make the whole situation feel like a less lonely space.

I haven't been monitoring my BBT because I am a shift worker - I think I would be unable to get reliable readings because of that and the whole exercise would end up being pretty pointless and just cause me a headache. Even on the days I have managed to get to bed at a normal time I usually wake up late simply because I love sleeping meow!

That has also been a point of confusion for me with the OPKs - I can google til I'm blue in the face yet can't seem to figure out whether the fact that LH is synthesised in the body in the late morning is something that assumes you are waking up at 8am or not. I sometimes wake up at 11 am - so should my body start producing LH at 2pm -ish or will it be there waiting for me at 11?

Up until this present attempt I had only been doing one insemination. Mainly because I don't want to put my friend out. I get scared he's going to decide this is all too much hassle and tell me that he doesn't want to help anymore. Well, just before the last time he suggested that we try on the "best day" and on the day either side. What a guy eh? This time I inseminated twice. I did notice though that there was less stuff both times than there usually is. I don't really feel comfortable asking him to leave himself alone when I require his DNA - it reminds me of those mothers screeching after their poor sons "don't play with it, or it'll fall off!"

I still have no idea whether I should be alarmed about my funny cervical opening. When googling about it I found a reference to women who had not had children with a slit like cervical opening - unfortunately it was a medical text and was a section on indications that a woman had had a child even though she claimed not to have. Too make things more complex I think I have a tilted cervix - it doesn't point straight down, it is more pointed towards my bum. I had a look around online and have the idea that it's only really a problem if it's pointed the other way as it doesn't come in contact with the sperm as easily. Perhaps if it's pointed towards your bum it helps? Who knows.

Urgh the waiting goes on. I have a friend's spring fling to go to on Saturday night, but no drinking for me! At least the weather is improving down here, it always makes me a bit more hopeful. I really would like a June baby too - I love Geminis.

Osker you have been ttc for a while. I'm glad to hear you have a supportive partner. It really helps to have someone to pick you up when you're feeling down, and if they're not able too, it is true that misery loves company. It's such a slap in the face finding it hard to conceive. I'm not sure what they tell you in America land but in New Zealand when you're in school you get the impression that you have to do everything you can to NOT get pregnant. The imply that if you dont practice constant vigilance you will end up with a kid. I suppose this is to try encourage teenagers to practice safe sex, but those messages stick in the back of your mind. I genuinly expected to get pregnant first try, and when I didn't I wondered immediately what was wrong with me.

[wehrli]

Originally Posted by danjelle

I still have no idea whether I should be alarmed about my funny cervical opening. When googling about it I found a reference to women who had not had children with a slit like cervical opening - unfortunately it was a medical text and was a section on indications that a woman had had a child even though she claimed not to have.

i have checked my cervix by the way of speculum and mine opening is also like a slit. and i have never given birth. the ob/gyn checked to make sure everything was fine and she said everything looked good for TTC. so i don't think there is a problem with your opening being a slit.
speaking of speculums... have you ever thought of getting one for home use? it's a bit awkward at first but if you get a speculum and a mirror, you can tell a lot about your fertility by the way of that. the brill book talks all about it. it helped me to see it open!

as for the tilted cervix, i can't give any advice about.... maybe you could go get a check up with the ob/gyn and tell her(him) you are TTC? maybe that would give you peace of mind.

[jjnoho]

i also have a tilted cervix and was reassured that it would in no way interfere in the ttc or pregnancy process. they just told me that it made it sometimes more difficult for them to locate my cervix and that many women have a tilted cervix.

[mayari]

Originally Posted by danjelle

I haven't been monitoring my BBT because I am a shift worker - I think I would be unable to get reliable readings because of that and the whole exercise would end up being pretty pointless and just cause me a headache. Even on the days I have managed to get to bed at a normal time I usually wake up late simply because I love sleeping meow!

That has also been a point of confusion for me with the OPKs - I can google til I'm blue in the face yet can't seem to figure out whether the fact that LH is synthesised in the body in the late morning is something that assumes you are waking up at 8am or not. I sometimes wake up at 11 am - so should my body start producing LH at 2pm -ish or will it be there waiting for me at 11?

I find this information to be kind of misleading at all. I have no medical evidence, only by assumptions, but I would think that morning is determined by one's biological system and not by the gravitational pull of the sun. So if you sleep during the day, you're "morning" would be early evening.

I'm a teacher so my sleep cycles shift dramatically over the summer. I've tracked when I work and have the alarm set for 5:30 every day. I've also tracked over the summer when I take my temp at whatever hour I roll out of bed (9am, noon, whatever). I've found no difference in my charts. I think it's more about what your body is used to then the time of day. Over the summer, I was doing my LH pee-stick at like 3pm. Now I've shifted it to 11am and 6pm (twice-a-day because I want to be more precise) because I'm sleeping and waking up earlier on a daily basis.

Maybe I'm wrong, but again I haven't noticed any changes so I'm going to have to trust my common sense-based assumption here. If you're not sure though, why not order the cheap dip test strips and monitor by both gravitational morning and sleep cycle morning and compare results?

Maya

[danjelle]

Hi Maya

Thanks for the reply. I've sort of come to the same sort of conclusions - so when I use the OPKs I don't use my first pee of the day, and then usually use the 2nd one. I don't bother at all with the BBT, it seems too hard, and with my shift work (I do overnights two days a week, every week and the rest of my days are normal) it seems like it would be even more imprecise. To make it all even more confusing I bought a thermometer which said it was for charting off trademe and then when I got it it said it was accurate to within .2 degrees celcius. So I dont think it's sensitive enough to use.

Today after I watched Fame at the movies with a friend I went to the toilet and noticed spotting. I don't know if it's my period - I want to believe it's not, but I think it probably is. Seems too late for implantation bleeding (approx 12days past O) but a bit too early for the period. My breasts are a bit tender at the moment, so I'm trying not to be defeastist, but I suppose whether I'm pregnant or not is already written in the stars and me thinking optimistically or pessimistically isn't going to change things!

[danjelle]

After the spotting on Wednesday evening there was almost nothing blood like coming out of there - just little bits - enough for me to think I was still in the running, but as of midday Saturday I'm on the rag. Sigh.

Trying to keep positive for the next chance though. I have booked flights to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam for March next year so it's probably better to not have to waddle around 6 months pregnant. 5 months pregnant seems much more doable. I would have loved a June baby though. Ah well. Onwards and upwards. Fingers crossed for this time around - my donor is moving overseas in March next year to start his PHD which is going to suck for me if I'm not pregnant by then - he wont be done with that for FOUR YEARS. I feel like time is running out (especially as I'll be in South America for 5 weeks and he'll be in San Francisco for New Years which probably cuts out 2 months worth of trying). Crossing fingers for this month.