well, hit him back and other things

[mommy2two babes]

This morning I asked DH to get up witht the kids so I could get a bit of extra sleep. In and out of sleep I wake up to DD crying and DH saying to her "well, hit him back" Then DS crying.
I have spoken to DH about this several times in the past. I have said that we are the parents and that I find it increadible inappropriate that we should instruct our kids to hurt the other one back.

The way that DH acts with DS really bothers me and I am even more worried that we will be having another DS in Nov.
It is almost as if DS was a different child with the 2 of us.
DH seems to think that DS should be tough when he hurts himself and not scared of things like bugs (DS is scared of bugs especially after being bitten)
This is not the way he acts with DD.
DS has almost no accidents when he is with just me 90% of the time, when he is with DH he seems to pee his pants quite a bit and DH has said thing like we should put him back in diapers.

DS with me is such a lovey sensitive guy and good most of the time.
Like if he has something that he is not supposed to have if you ask him and give him a chance he will put it back on his own. Dh is more inclined to take it away. Yet OTOH DD knows that if I say no to something and she goes and bugs DH he will probably give in.

This is the way that he was raised and apparently sees nothing wrong with it. I pointed out to him once that his older brother beat him up frequently and did alot of mean and hurtful things to him with friends when he was little.
His response was that it taught him to stand up for himself.

He knows how much this behavior disgusts me, even before we had 2 kids I commented on this behavior several times with my niece and nephew.( niece being encouraged to hit her brother back with a toy plastic bat because he hit her. Her chasing him around the yard trying to hit him in front of about 10 adults


Please help me explain to DH why this is sooo bad.

[mandica]

I would try directing the conversation to be more about your daughter, and how you don't want her to grow up thinking that hitting is how she will get out of her problems. And that telling your son to hit back teaches both of them that it is a fine behavior.

For me, a school yard scrap is one thing, but bringing violence into the family to be had on a regular basis is different.

[MamaDona]

How is your DH's relationship with that brother? Is there a way to get him to talk through/explore how that hitting and hurtful behavior affected their relationship?

My DH also has a lot of strange parenting ideas that come from what I think are knee-jerk repetition of what he saw growing up. If I am able to get him to talk about it without making him feel judged or criticized, I find that he can start to process what worked and what didn't. If not, he just acts the way his parents/brothers acted with him and he just does not seem to do any analysis of WHY he is saying those things or doing those things.

The trick is doing it without making DH feel attacked. That's where I have really struggled. We have slowly gotten there, but there are still so many times when I hear the same shaming/toughen up/you are a big boy language just spill out of him.

It is really frustrating when you want to parent in a more thoughtful way than your in-laws or your parents did. Good luck! Keep working at it and showing your DH gently how his actions can lead to undesirable outcomes with both of your children.