Is it unreasonable to expect my 3.5 year old not to hit me?

[kreyno4]

When my dd gets very mad, she hits and kicks me (or my dh).

Do most 3.5 year olds have enough impulse control to stop hitting? She has gone through hitting phases at about 1.5 and 2.5 as well (hitting other kids as well, which she isn't doing anymore). I want my expectations to be reasonable. Basically I am fed up and want to leave places if she hits me, even once, but is that expecting too much?

I also do other things like try to prevent situations where this happens. I try to talk to her outside of this situation and brainstorm other things to do when she feels very mad. We have come up with other physical things like bounce on the bed, do karate on the bed (her idea, she does not actually know how to do karate). But in the moment, she rages and refuses to do those things.

I know this is a hard age and she is testing boundaries. That is why I want my boundary to be reasonable and loving. But to be there, so she knows she cannot hurt me.

[russianthistle]

my 3.5 yo hits me when he's mad. he's gone through the same phases with hitting as it sounds like your daughter has. I'd bet it's somewhat developmental. I tend to ignore it, or explain that it hurts my feelings when he hits me.

[violet]

the "halfs" are really hard. I agree that there is likely a developmental phase going on but I'm not sure that ignoring it is the best answer. At 3.5 we switched from dealing with any altercation at the point of encounter at the moment of encounter and switching to a "bench". I'd been thinking that it was best to talk, restate the rule, offer alternatives right when things happened because 2-3 year olds are so concrete and attention is so short. But at 3.5 DS didn't seem impressed by our talks.

So we began interrupting play, activities, whatever and moving to a central spot in our house - the fireplace hearth bench - and doing the steps of repentance. The kids have to say what they did that was wrong, an alternative that they could have done or would do next time, and then some sort of making amends. It doesn't have to be a verbal sorry it can be a hug or getting a toy for the toddler or whatever. Sometimes we had to take a minute of holding and hugging and talking about calming down before he could talk. But we did it all in that spot. No shaming, no time outs, never alone there. Just an interruption to the flow of life to show that this behavior won't be tolerated and something else is called for. He got it. He now calms down so quickly at the bench and he gets the protocol and is quick to make amends. Now, at 5, we give him the option of going to the bench or settling things wherever we are.

He was a big hitter. And I knew that he was so caught up in his upset emotions that reprimanding or punishing or anything wouldn't get through in the moment. He needed to calm down first. But ignoring the hitting until he was calm didn't help either, I won't tolerate hitting. So moving to a different location allowed for the moment of calm and then we focused on the behavior.

[fritz]

I would argue that it's essential that you not tolerate your daughter's hitting you. As a life skill, not hitting people is pretty high up on my list of desired behaviors from my son. He's 4.5 yo now and I'm happy to say that 99.9% of the time, he never hits. And the .1% when he does, he does it to provoke me, but he hits gently (but w/ a big dramatic windup). It's perfectly reasonable that if your DD hits, you immediately stop whatever you're doing and retreat to a safe/non-stimulating environment so both of you can calm down safely. Just explain the new rule to her, then follow through every.single.time. (DH used to get hit in the face by DS for a long time after DS stopped hitting me...b/c DH wouldn't consistently stop playing with DS every single time it happened.)

My DS's hitting peaked around age 2. We were stressed out from my husband's job transfer and subsequent shift in housing. Once we finally got into our house, DH and I relaxed, and that transfered over to DS. So by 2.5 yo, he was hitting way less than he used to.

I've never tolerated his hitting me. It's one of my (many) issues. When he was much younger, I'd offer up hitting the bop bag as an alternative, which might last for about 5 seconds of distraction. Then I'd run away from him, and it would morph into a game of chase. He enjoyed that a lot more. But when he was determined to hit me, he'd just follow me and keep swinging. If I grabbed his arms to prevent him from hitting, he'd try using his feet (at the time his legs were short enough he couldn't reach me that way). As soon as I let go of his arms, he'd try to hit me again. My ultimate solution was to lock myself in the bathroom while DH stayed in the main room w/ DS. DS would scream and cry b/c he hated not having access to me...but it was the safest alternative for both of us. So he'd meltdown for a couple minutes. When his crying finally wound down, I'd come out of the bathroom, take him from DH, and DS would snuggle down while I walked him. And that would be it until the next incident.

That's just my DS's personality...when he's upset, he tries to provoke me into yelling at him so that he can move beyond being frustrated/mad and switch to being upset/sad so that he can cuddle in my arms while I walk him. Then he usually falls alseep for a nap.

If I was holding him when he hit me, I'd immediately put him down. If I was sitting next to him when he hit me, I'd get up and take several steps away. "Gentle touches," and "No hitting," were frequently heard phrases in our family.

I tried encouraging him to hit a pillow or the couch, but that never seemed to help him calm down. We tried talking about emotions and alternatives during calm moments, but nothing productive really came of that (I really, really wanted him to practice deep breathing to help him calm down...so of course his nose has been stuffed up for the past month and a half). It just depended on why he was hitting--if it was just out of frustration, then empathising worked well. If he needed to get me upset, then he'd just keep going and going until I yelled (when he transitioned out of naps, he was totally fine, but I was exhausted and cranky until I realized I could lay down without him to rest. Once I outgrew my nap dependence, things were much improved). Nowadays he only resorts to his big windup/gentle hit when he's tired (up late) and hungry. So I'm way more diligent about getting him to sleep on time.

[JL83]

I think it's reasonable to expect that a 3.5yo NOT hit, but not reasonable to expect them to be perfect.

My DD is almost 3 and it's been a BIG DEAL for the last year or so if she hits anyone. It's 100% not acceptable. We don't punish her when she does, but we have made it clear that it's not OK and we will not tolerate it.

Sometimes she looses it and hits us when she's really upset about something and then we put her in her room and tell her that we will not interact with someone who is hurting us and that when she's ready to use her words and talk to us we will be happy to talk to her. Then we hang out outside her room until we hear her say/yell/scream that she wants to talk. We don't require that she be calm but hitting us is the end of the talk.

I do not allow anyone to hit me. Even when she was a baby and had little control over what she did, I made sure that I didn't stay in range if she was happily swinging her arms. Then as she got older and started hitting (which I think most kids do) I would put her down and talk to her with some space between us.

It had never been OK for her to hit us.

[juliebird]

My almost 3 year old sometimes hits too as a way to communicate frustration, anger, etc. rather than from a desire to hurt. For example, we were at dinner the other night and he got frustrated because we were telling him that he couldn't put his finger in his brother's whipped cream (on top of hot chocolate). So he balled up his little fists and started punching his bro (not hard but definitely not ok).

I immediately but calmly picked him up and took him to a quiet bench near the entrance of the restaurant and said. In this family we don't use our hands to hurt. I don't use mine to hit you and you shouldn't either. Then i acknowledged his feelings of frustration- you really wanted a taste of the whipped cream didn't you? I can understand that, but you need to use your words and tell me what you want. Don't use your hands to hurt.

So what happened here was:
1. immediately addressed the situation
2. took him away from the scene
3. i stayed calm and loving but also explained that the behavior is unacceptable from him
4. gave him a short rule for him to remember (we don't use our hands to hurt/hit)
5. gave him an alternative for when he's feeling that way (use your words)
6. i accepted HIM and his feelings but not the behavior

also, when he was younger, he'd hit when he was playing, so i started telling him to use his tickle fingers which worked really well.

I know not everyone responds the same so I hope that there's something in our experience that helps you!!

[itsmyturn]

Basically I am fed up and want to leave places if she hits me, even once, but is that expecting too much?]

You are not expecting too much. 3yo is old enough to know better. My son is also 3.5

I try to talk to her outside of this situation and brainstorm other things to do when she feels very mad.

This approach works for some kids, like my DD, but for others, like my DS, it can make the problem worse.
If we make a big deal out something he will keep it up or intensify the bad behavior, because he knows it gets to us. The best approach for us, is to casually dismiss the bad behavior. "Hitting is not cool and I am not going to hang around you if you keep hitting." and when he kept it up we would walk away and ignore him until he stoped. If we were somewhere public we would leave, as to not reward the bad behavior.
This worked for us as he is no longer hitting. Now if we are working on the throwing things & yelling. Sigh~
Good luck and I hope you find the trick that works for you!

[holothuroidea]

It depends on what you mean by "expect."

I would say, it is unreasonable to expect that a 3.5 will never hit anyone. I would also say that it is not "appropriate" for a 3.5 year old to hit people on purpose repeatedly.

If a 3.5 year old hit me, I would calmly but firmly say "I will not tolerate being hit." If they are not my child I would remove myself and my own children from them. If it were my child I would remove them from the situation they are in, wait for them to calm down (let them have their tantrum, stay out of the way but make sure they are safe) and explain:

1. They were removed from play (or whatever) because they hit.
2. Hitting is not okay and will always result in immediate removal.
3. I love them and I want them to be safe, and that it is also important for (insert name of person hit) to feel safe as well.

It is really hard to remain calm in situations like these but it is essential. You do not want to reward their behavior with an emotional reaction from you, you also don't want to condemn them with an angry reaction because this will make them feel insecure. I try really hard to convey that I care about them, while remaining indifferent to their behavior.

This is ideal, most of the time situations like these result in me using my "angry voice." I am trying my best, though!

[Llyra]

I do entirely think it's reasonable to expect that a 3 year old can understand that hitting is wrong, and should be able to restrain the behavior for the most part. I also think though that it happens, sometimes; my DD1 at that age used to get in terrible rages. But even if it is developmentally normal, I think it's important not to just ignore it, or just wait for it to go away. I think it's important to take a strong stand on hitting-- state strongly that's it's unacceptable, and remove the child immediately from any situation where hitting happens, even if it's highly inconvenient for you. You want your child to really see and experience that this is IMPORTANT to you, and that you're going to treat it like a big deal-- that them learning not to hit is worth a lot of inconvenience and hassle to you. If a child past infancy hits me, I state strongly that hitting is not okay, I leave the situation if we're in public, I put the child someplace safe, and I withdraw my attention for a time. I want the child to see that I will not stick around and allow myself to be hurt.