Conflict between DH and I regarding discipline

[Latte Mama]

Sigh. Both DH and I were spanked growing up. I was actually beaten with various objects at times (belt,ext.cord,my own shoe). Now I don't fault my mom, she was abused by her mother. And I don't look back and even think that she abused me , it was how things were in the 70's .

Now that I have my own child, I have decided that I do NOT want to spank. I initially thought that I *might* , only as a last resort and never out of anger. But i have since changed my mind and I want to learn a lot more about GD. The problem is DH's thinking. He is definitely of the mindset that spanking should be in the toolbox of discipline needs .

We have started talking about it and he knows my feelings. Our DS is still a baby (1) so we have plenty of time before the need for discipline arises but I want us to be on the same page. I WANT to do better than my mom, and her mom, and my MIL. I want to teach, and nurture, not pnish and humiliate.

So how can I get DH on board? I know there are probably some great books BUT he works and goes to school fulltime so not too much time for reading, maybe a website? Or anything anyone else has done if you've had this issue?

I'd appreciate anywords of advice!

[ChetMC]

Is it possible ...

Is it possible that your DH won't really need explicit convincing? I mean, if you deal with discipline issues on a situation by situation basis, and there is always a better, more logical, more helpful, more educational option to use, is it possible your DH isn't going to get to the spanking part of his discipline toolbox? And eventually, after some experience with GD in action, he'll just come to realize it works?

I don't know. I guess I'm encouraged by the fact that your LO is a year old and you both figure you've got some time on this issue. It would be different if he wanted to slap little hands and or a little bum right now... but it sounds like spanking as a punishment exists as a hypothetical thing for him. It can be awfully hard for a parent of a one year old to imagine and discuss discipline techniques for a ten year old child they won't know for another nine years.

Right now, he doesn't want to spank. For the time being, you are on the same page. Maybe try approaching it in smaller steps... as your child grows discuss why it isn't appropriate to spank an 18 month old, 2 year old, 3 year old, etc. And rather than focusing on the negatives of spanking, talk to him about the positives of other techniques in dealing with discipline at the age your child is presently at.

[ewe+lamb]

From my experience my dh has learned through watching me, he was severely beaten as a child, and although he didn't want to spank/hit etc he had no examples of this sort of parenting - so he's learned by osmosis, and now is a staunch believer in GD. Do you have any friends who like you don't spank and partners who are with them on this?, sometimes just watching other fathers and talking about their parenting etc can help change attitudes towards GD and pareting.

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Is it possible that your DH won't really need explicit convincing? I mean, if you deal with discipline issues on a situation by situation basis, and there is always a better, more logical, more helpful, more educational option to use, is it possible your DH isn't going to get to the spanking part of his discipline toolbox? And eventually, after some experience with GD in action, he'll just come to realize it works?

.

I'm actually hoping this will be it. I also told him that we may have a kid that requires little discipline to begin with (ha ha wishful thinking). But my point is, we just don't know and to say something like knowing you will spank seems kind of strange when we don't know how DS personality will even turn out. Natural consequences may be enough . I just do not want any big blow ups between him and I over this but we'll have to see. I have time to work on him. Thanks!

[Latte Mama]

Originally Posted by ewe+lamb

From my experience my dh has learned through watching me, he was severely beaten as a child, and although he didn't want to spank/hit etc he had no examples of this sort of parenting - so he's learned by osmosis, and now is a staunch believer in GD. Do you have any friends who like you don't spank and partners who are with them on this?, sometimes just watching other fathers and talking about their parenting etc can help change attitudes towards GD and pareting.

Yes I'm hoping the osmosis thing will do the trick. I'll have to see what our friends do. We came into this parenting gig kind of late in life and most of our friends have kids that are older.

[InMediasRes]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

Is it possible that your DH won't really need explicit convincing? I mean, if you deal with discipline issues on a situation by situation basis, and there is always a better, more logical, more helpful, more educational option to use, is it possible your DH isn't going to get to the spanking part of his discipline toolbox? And eventually, after some experience with GD in action, he'll just come to realize it works?

This is us. My DH and I were not spanked excessively (I mean, I know my mom did it, but I don't remember it at all). Since reading around on the boards, I've decided that I never want to spank, but DH says he would use it in extreme cases also. We've got a 2.5yo and I've yet to see him even get close.

One day he was playing with DS and said, "You know, he seems like he's been a lot better lately. He must be growing up." And I agreed and then added gently, "You know, I've kind of changed my discipline approach in the last few weeks." I had never spanked but had recently started using a lot more positive discipline techniques. When DH saw the change, he was curious about what I had done differently, and now he does things (mostly) that way too.

[Kimmyc2]

I had a somewhat similar situation and got two of the GD books on CD (one from the library) and put them on DH's ipod. They take very little time to listen to and he was able to do it during his commute and now he is more on board with me and when he gets really frustraited we are able to talk about how hard it is to stick with when you are frustrated and give each other advice on what we can do. Sometimes it's just to step back and let the other parent step in for a discussion.

[Thisbirdwillfly]

We were similiar. However, I was raised without any corporal punishment and I am very strongly against it.

I explained to H that I was completely inflexible on this point. No one was going to hit, scream at or belittle my child. I asked him to carefully consider if he wanted to put me in the position of choosing between him and our child because he knows I will pick our child everytime (& so will he. we married each other, in part, because we knew the other one would be a good parent.)

When our son was in an especially frustrating toddler stage, H revisted the issue. I restated my position and added that I felt even more strongly about it now. Then we brainstormed some other ideas.

I think he learned a lot from watching me but he also improvised some great solutions. It's amazing how once something is completely off the table, other ideas crop up.

Best of luck to you.