Struggling with what to do. REALLY LONG!

[fawnanddoe]

My baby is 11 weeks old. I have been dealing with ppd since week 2 or 3. I have also been dealing with cancer. Now I am dealing with my husband and what I should do.

I honestly think my anxiety and depression started during pregnancy. DH and I would have some pretty knock down drag out fights while I was pregnant, and we had never fought like that before. Then I had Elijah. The first couple of weeks were great, very tiring, but good nonetheless. Then the PPD hit me. I had been taking Zoloft as a precaution to combat against PPD and I kept forgetting to take it so I stopped. Everything went downhill the next few days. I became very resentful of DH, overwhelmed with my new mother status and angry at the fact that DH got to go to work and get breaks and was able to do what he wanted when he wanted. I got extremely irritable and sad. I cried a lot. DH and I started fighting even more. Finally I went to a therapist and started taking the Zoloft again, and going to a PPD group once a week. It's definitely helping, but as you know, there's no magic cure and my PPD is far from over.

I have a history of depression and anxiety, not to mention emotional abuse growing up and just a lot of messed up things have happened in my life. All that plus a cancer diagnosis is enough to send anyone over the deep end.

So anyway, the past few days DH and I have been at each other again. The problem is that I get into one of these moods, really irritable, depressed and anxious, and DH can't handle it. He doesn't know how, and he won't change his ways. Last night everything came to a head. I was washing dishes and DH started nitpicking things like the fact that I didn't put the clothes away after I took them out of the dryer, I told him sorry, something came up with Elijah and I just didn't have the time. Then he started telling me how to wash the dishes and he pushed the faucet so the water was coming out slow. I was already irritable so this just made it even worse. I told him that if he didn't like the way I was doing them then he could wash them. He continued being a jerk so I shut the water off and went into the room and locked the door so I could have some alone time. I sat down next to DS who was asleep on our bed.

A few minutes later DH didn't like the fact that I locked the door so he kicked it in, breaking it, and came over to me and screamed in my face to not lock the door. I started crying, DS woke up (and it took me the next 3 hours to get him to sleep). Things just escalated from there. I told him to please just leave me alone and he proceeded in antagonizing me by coming in the room every 2 minutes to put something away cause he was cleaning the house. I asked him to please just not come in the room and the fact that he was making it a point to come in was really getting to me. I seriously, seriously just needed to be alone. Finally it got to the point where I couldn't handle it anymore and I started yelling at him to leave me alone, I threw my phone at him, he in turn stomped on my phone 5 times smashing it. He unplugged the internet connection and house phone so I couldn't post anything online or call anyone because he doesn't trust me. He took the car keys from me so I couldn't go anywhere.

Then his mom came to visit today, even though I told him to tell her to not come this weekend. He didn't. I went to get coffee in the morning and because of the state that I am in I probably shouldn't have driven this morning. I was backing out of the driveway too close to our fence and I ended up breaking the side mirror off because it hit the fence. DH came running out and told me how fucked up I was. I left to get coffee. When I came home I sat in the driveway for a few minutes, crying. DH came out and looked at the mirror and then tried to open my door but it was locked. He knocked on the window and I ignored him, then he knocked on the window hard for 5 minutes straight. Finally after he went inside I went it, and we proceeded to fight in front of his mother. He was telling me how out of control I was and how messed up I was and how it's all my fault and he didn't do anything wrong.

She ended up leaving, thank god, but not until after she told DH that at Christmas I made her cry because I was rude and that she could tell I had no joy or love inside of me. Great. Wonderful. I was never rude to this woman, it was Christmas, I was pregnant and upset that I couldn't see any of my family. I didn't want to be there, in her house that smells like years of cigarette smoke, and her husband kept smoking INSIDE in front of my face, while pregnant.

Anyway, the fight continued. DH again cut off my internet access, then he took my computer at some point, took the car key, even took my son off the bed and said he was going to leave with him. He tells me that if I leave him he's going to get custody of DS and that I am crazy, that I am an unfit mother. When I am crying he tells me that I need to calm down because I am out of control. He tells me that he is going to have me committed.

Here is an email that he sent me this evening:

"When I was 4 and my brother a newborn, my mom still found time to clean the house and prepare meals. She calls that a zest for life and pride in your household. So, it is possible. Why is it so hard for you with just one child? Where is your zest for life? Why do you never greet me with happiness? Why do you not prepare meals for us? Why is there always complaining and anger towards me? Do you think I just sit around and do nothing all day at work? Do you think I want to be there? I just don't understand your lack of desire for life. Your lack of kindness and tenderness. Your pleasantness. It is really hard for me, and when I get upset it is unacceptable. I am allowed to get mad! Maybe kicking a door is extreme, but it is esentially harmless whereas your behavior is harmful. You throw things and scream in front of your son, yet you think I am the bad guy, I am the one causing all of this. That is totally irrational. I'm sorry, but it is not me, Jessica. Sure, I probably don't help, but I am not the one who is constantly unhappy and negative. I try to be positive but you just shoot me down. There is no love left in yoy and you love to use ppd as an excuse. Well, it is not an excuse. You have to take control. I dont even think you want to be happy sometimes. I really wish you would see the true dynamic here. I want Elijah to have happy loving parents who are interested in each other, but what he has is far from that. You just constantly play victim, like you are contstantly under attack. You take every small criticism and turn it into something else. Everything is me making you feel like a piece of shit. Maybe you just feel that way and are looking for someone to blame? And please, watch your mouth. It is really offensive. Saying the F word so much just shows who you really are and what is really inside you, hate and ugliness. Look inside and maybe we can start a positive change. I want Eli to have loving parents who are together and happy. You are setting him up for bad stuff when you so flippantly toss around words like divorce. And please, again I beg you, stop being so public with your emotions. Act like an adult and stop posting constant updates on your fragile emotional state. Seriously. It is not cool. Why do you want to showcase your problems to you 400 fb friends anyway? Do you really want them to know your business? Do you get some emotional relief from it? What the hell? Spare your friends andO OUR relatives the drama, you are not f'ing 14 years old. It is shaneful and immature. Ok? Take a deep breath. It is not the end of the world. You have to get a grip on this for your son's sake."




I am staying at a friends house tonight. I had posted on facebook that I needed somewhere to stay so now his whole family started calling him asking him what was going on. He sent me another couple of emails telling me how fucked up I am and the last one said not to come home and that he'd see me in court.


I just don't know what to do.

[Kismet_fw]

Get to a crisis center. Emotional abuse is still abuse, and using your post-partum depression to control and manipulate you, cutting off avenues of communication, destroying the door when you had locked it, etc, actually count as domestic violence.

While these thing are fresh in your mind, you need to write down as much as you can of things done, exact things say, any time he has called you names or used rudeness or misinformation to control you, everything. Even things like teasing you if you wanted or didn't want to have sex (or forcing or coercing you to have sex.)

[Maevele]

yes, a crisis center.

Between the depression and the abusive behavior, you need a professional support network to get through this, i think.

[mom0810]

OMG I am so sorry this is happening.

You do need to go to a crisis center or somewhere that they can help you get to the next step. Your husband is so wrong and obviously does not understand PPD and the fact that you CAN'T help yourself right now.

You need to help yourself, if you can, by going and getting some counseling and possibly by taking meds.

I am so sad that your husband does not understand how fragile you are and the fact that this is not something that is within your control. It really isn't. For a year after both of my kids were born, I could not muster the strength to do much of anything. Even with counseling and meds, it took a long time. That just happens to some of us. It's so not your fault.

Many people do not understand PPD. But that doesn't mean that you have done anything wrong.

There is a great book, Beyond the Blues, that I think you could get. It might help you get to the next step.

Best wishes,

[FischK]

So sorry you're dealing with this. I agree that you should get in touch with a crisis center and see what sort of resources are available in your area to help. There are some phone numbers for places in your area here.

Ideally, you should try to convince your husband to join you for family therapy if you think that would help. He appears to have some major misconception not only about PPD but also about the demands of caring for an infant and getting housework done. He also does not appear to view your relationship as a partnership.

I have no idea what my house would look like without the support of my husband. Throughout the summer when I was battling severe PPD, he not only took actively part in caring for the baby, but he also contributed significantly to the overall functioning of the household by doing not only his share of the work, but also many of my chores. Only recently have I been able to fully resume my responsibilities, and even now it is a struggle (especially since I'm back at work). I know that I am in a very lucky position, but one of the most important aspects of overcoming PPD is to have a supportive environment.

[K-Mom3]

First of all, great job getting treatment for your ppd and for seeking out a support network. You are doing so many of the right things. It really looks to me like you're taking a healthy, responsible approach to getting yourself some help. I'm sorry that you're still having a hard time of it. Maybe you need a higher dose?

I have to say, I'm not sure that a crisis center is the right thing for you. If you can stay with friends or family for a little while, I think that is much better. Especially since you're already getting help from a therapist and a group and so on.

I think that writing out everything he's thinking was a great idea. Not that his logic is sound, but at least you know how he feels and what he is thinking. I think that you should do the same thing. Also, if you really do want to stay together with him, try to be less caustic. Show him (especially when you're writing and can better guard against a reactionary response) that you can be the mature one while he is acting like a child. At least try to acknowledge that this is a hard thing for him and let him know that you want to repair your relationship and he might be a little softer towards you. Hopefully he won't act quickly on the court thing. If he's willing to meet you part way, I really suggest couples counseling.

It is very rare to see a husband who really understands ppd. My dh is extremely caring, rarely gets angry, never raises his voice or swears and is completely dedicated to keeping our relationship healthy. But he, also, thought that I should be able to act like myself, like a responsible adult, even though I had a mental illness. He thought I wasn't trying hard enough or something. Is your DH at least willing to try to understand? Willing to try to fix the relationship?

Try sending him to this website:
http://postpartumdads.wordpress.com/
If he can see that what you two are going through is so similar to what other couples go through when ppd hits their family, he might stop blaming you so much.

I felt so bad for you as I read his email to you. Please try writing back to him in a way that seeks understanding and gives him validation while also giving a more true perspective of the situation. Here are some of my ideas for trying to provide your dh with info and help him understand.

Originally Posted by fawnanddoe

[I]"When I was 4 and my brother a newborn, my mom still found time to clean the house and prepare meals. She calls that a zest for life and pride in your household. So, it is possible. Why is it so hard for you with just one child?

His mother didn't have ppd. If you didn't have ppd, you could do it, too. Would you expect someone with a broken leg to walk 10 miles? Even if they get treatment, it takes a long time to learn to walk a normal stride again. The same is true for you. If may be a long time before you can function like yourself again, even while you're receiving treatment.

Originally Posted by fawnanddoe

Where is your zest for life? Why do you never greet me with happiness? Why do you not prepare meals for us? Why is there always complaining and anger towards me? Do you think I just sit around and do nothing all day at work? Do you think I want to be there? I just don't understand your lack of desire for life. Your lack of kindness and tenderness. Your pleasantness. It is really hard for me, and when I get upset it is unacceptable. I am allowed to get mad! Maybe kicking a door is extreme, but it is esentially harmless whereas your behavior is harmful.

Let him know that his behavior IS very harmful. He is allowed to get mad, but as a responsible adult he is expected to control himself and release the anger in a healthy way. Exploding at people and destroying things is not healthy.

Originally Posted by fawnanddoe

You throw things and scream in front of your son, yet you think I am the bad guy, I am the one causing all of this. That is totally irrational. I'm sorry, but it is not me, Jessica. Sure, I probably don't help, but I am not the one who is constantly unhappy and negative.

Does he not know that being unhappy and negative is what happens when you have depression? Your brain is sick! It is not working the way it is supposed to work! If he doesn't help, then that is part of the problem. You just can't be expected to carry a full adult load when you have an illness. When I had ppd I wanted someone to take over all my responsibilities AND help to take care of my own needs--make sure I exercise, eat healthy, get enough rest, etc. I didn't get that help but it might help your dh if he understands that that is exactly what you need. Stress relief can do a lot to help you heal. If you get those things you are more likely to be positive about life and about him. My dh felt a lot of pressure (and anger sometimes) when I wasn't doing any of my responsibilities and he couldn't possibly carry out all of his AND mine. I wish that I had asked my mom to come live with us for a month or two. Of course, that causes other sources of stress, but I think it would have helped over all.

Originally Posted by fawnanddoe

I try to be positive but you just shoot me down. There is no love left in yoy and you love to use ppd as an excuse. Well, it is not an excuse. You have to take control. I dont even think you want to be happy sometimes. I really wish you would see the true dynamic here. I want Elijah to have happy loving parents who are interested in each other, but what he has is far from that. You just constantly play victim, like you are contstantly under attack. You take every small criticism and turn it into something else. Everything is me making you feel like a piece of shit. Maybe you just feel that way and are looking for someone to blame? And please, watch your mouth. It is really offensive. Saying the F word so much just shows who you really are and what is really inside you, hate and ugliness.

It does NOT show who you really are. I knew, the whole time I was really sick, that my bad behaviors were NOT me. I knew because there was such a stark contrast to how I behaved before and because I so often felt like I had no other choice. Knowing that it wasn't the REAL me was the only thing that kept me from feeling suicidal. Let your dh know that it can get better and that hopefully you'll be acting like yourself again at some unknown time in the future.

Originally Posted by fawnanddoe

Look inside and maybe we can start a positive change. I want Eli to have loving parents who are together and happy. You are setting him up for bad stuff when you so flippantly toss around words like divorce. And please, again I beg you, stop being so public with your emotions. Act like an adult and stop posting constant updates on your fragile emotional state. Seriously. It is not cool. Why do you want to showcase your problems to you 400 fb friends anyway? Do you really want them to know your business? Do you get some emotional relief from it? What the hell? Spare your friends andO OUR relatives the drama, you are not f'ing 14 years old. It is shaneful and immature. Ok? Take a deep breath. It is not the end of the world. You have to get a grip on this for your son's sake."

If you're making everything public, I assume it is to get some help! You need more people stepping in with physical help as well as validation. Although, I hope you aren't bashing your dh over public means...

I was so sad reading your post, I just talked with my dh about it. Your dh obviously needs help! You are getting some help and support and he isn't. You aren't expected to behave well because of your illness; my dh says it is too much to ask that in those rotten circumstances that dh is on his best behavior. Of course, this isn't your fault. It is the fault of ppd. If you can both commit to do the best you can in the meantime and work toward getting you well, hopefully when you're well you'll be able to build a healthy relationship with him again.

I assume (from my own experience) that you're not very fun to be around sometimes and possibly having a harder time controlling your temper than you ever have in your life. I think that retreating to your room (like you did) is a great option. Could you set up with dh an agreement that you are each allowed a time out of sorts? When either of you can't deal with whatever, call a timeout to calm down, to rest, to deal with anger in a healthy way instead of attacking each other. Exercise can be a very productive option during a timeout. You respect each other's space during the timeout and come back when you can talk in a rational manner. If you have this agreement, then dh realizes that you aren't locking him out to be mean, you're locking him out so that you can be nicer to him.

Anyway, I hope this helps. You are doing so many of the right things. Just keep trying to do your best and give yourself and your dh a lot of slack. I sincerely hope that your family will survive ppd intact. I know it does happen sometimes but it is just so sad to think of your family falling apart because of ppd.

[tracymom1]

I don't have a whole lot to say, but

It really sounds like you both need counseling, together and individually, if this is going to work out. First things first, though, just make sure you and Eli are somewhere safe and that you can take care of him and yourself.

You are a great mother, Jess. Just keep that in mind at all times.