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How would you react to this?

post #1 of 118
Thread Starter 
Your 5 year old daughter is told by your friends 5 year old daughter that babies are made when a hard penis goes into the vagina & it feel good (the child doesn't know this. mom just told her it feels good). Friends 5 year old just brings it up out of the blue (we were hiking through the woods) & has been told by mom not to discuss this with anyone.

This did not happen to my daughter because she was not within ear shot of this but it could have easily been my child. When my friend was confronted with this information, she became defensive & said, "I don't know why people feel the need to keep this from their kids. I just won't lie." What she actually means is she selectively lies.

Thoughts please.
post #2 of 118
well, it sounds like the girl asked how babies are made and her mom told her. I wouldn't choose to tell my five year old that much information but I don't think it is wrong. lots of my childrens friends had that much information when they were that age. and you can never expect a five year old to keep their mouth shut about anything...they are five. talking is their favorite pass time.
post #3 of 118
are you objecting to the penis in the vagina part or the 'hard' and the 'good' part?

by 4 1/2 my dd knew about penis in vagina. she already knew about conception since she was v. young. she asked. i told her. she has always been v. fascinated by the reproductive and digestive system. she would not let me hedge. no mama tell me EXACTLY how the sperm gets to the egg. how does daddy's sperm get into your body? not fulfilling her request would have meant turning it into an obsession.

so how i feel about her saying it? perfectly fine. the hard and good is a little 'shocking' to me - but i can understand the mom is making sure dd doesnt think of it as something undesirable. not to mess her up about sex. i would be perfectly fine with dd's friend telling her that. i would be perfectly find dd's friend coming upto me and telling me that.

speaking for myself i would have prefered to hear the truth rather than all the wierd stories i was told which confused me and had me curious till i finally got the right answer. i know some of my friends were messed up and thought kissing would produce babies. i remember so clearly my mom refusing to answer my question when i was 7 telling me i was too young to know. i still remember that moment thinking how ridiculous she was being.
post #4 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
well, it sounds like the girl asked how babies are made and her mom told her. I wouldn't choose to tell my five year old that much information but I don't think it is wrong. lots of my childrens friends had that much information when they were that age. and you can never expect a five year old to keep their mouth shut about anything...they are five. talking is their favorite pass time.
Doesn't sound unreasonable. I know sex is a taboo subject in many families, and we haven't covered everything yet in our family, but this wouldn't bother me at all.
post #5 of 118
No big deal here, either. I don't see anything selectively truthful about what she said, and I'm sure she got defensive because she was "confronted with the information". I get defensive, too, when I'm confronted.

It appears that the child asked her mother how babies were made and was told the mechanics of it. I could certainly see a five year old following up that talk with something like, "Doesn't that hurt?" and being told, "No, it feels good." Again, no big deal.

The mother even told the daughter that it was something that shouldn't be discussed with other children.

How would you have rather the other mother handled her child's question in order to protect other people's children?
post #6 of 118


What your friend's dd said isn't much different from that in the book "Where Did I Come From?" by Peter Mayle, which I read to my child about age 5. (See description & reviews at http://www.amazon.com/reader/0818402...5Fdp%5Fpt#noop, including reviewers' saying they used the book at about age 5.)

FTR, my daughter is also the one who used the word "clitoris" aloud to a peer at about age 4. (Yup, she wanted to know about the parts of her body, including "the part that feels good.") The other kid's mom was furious, but I apologized only for my dd's age-appropriate lack of discretion, NOT for her knowing the word (which other mom found shocking). I explained to other mom that body knowledge empowers kids, esp girls, against sexual and physical abuse - the theory is that having a reporting language reduces the risk of unreported abuse.

Of course we as mothers of preschoolers can teach social circumspection - that is, that it's not ok to talk about sex, gentiltalia, farts or poop with people other than our parents and doctor, unless we're reporting someone trying to touch or photograph us - but IME that's a lesson that takes a few years to be mastered. Example: my almost-7yo started singing about farts in company last night.
post #7 of 118
Some people give their kids the whole story pretty early. That's their choice and I don't think people should lie. However, when someone chooses to give that graphic detail to their kids, they should consider that they are also deciding to give the info to their kid's friends too. Five year olds are talkers and the info will get out there. That's just my opinion though.
post #8 of 118
I can see why it would be a little upsetting. Sure, every child has a different curiosity level and families share this information differently and it could put a parent in an uncomfortable situation to have this kind of information thrust upon a child that as-yet knows nothing about sex.

My own 7.5 yo has not asked a single question about sex. This would have put us both in an awkward situation as dd does not even know that it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby. She is curious about the body, in general, but sexuality is simply not on her radar... at all. I'm sure it will be in the near future, but I want it to come from her own natural curiosity. I think it's important that kids learn about this as their natural curiosity arises about it, and not have the information thrust upon them unsuspectingly. If parents think their children are mature enough to have the information, the children should also be mature enough to understand that it's not a subject that is for open discussion.
post #9 of 118
I wouldn't have a problem with it at all.
post #10 of 118
No problem here either.
post #11 of 118
It would bug me a lot more to hear a five-year-old say that the stork brings babies, or that you find them in cabbage patches or some other nonsense story like that.
post #12 of 118
I might be a bit shocked at first because so few parents I know would tell their 5 yr. old that much info. But then I'd assume the little girl asked and her parents told her. I wouldn't word it the way the parents in the OP did and I started out with less info then added more as my kids asked more. But really it's up to each parent to decide how they answer those kind of questions from their children. It does get tricky though when that child that has all the info decides to share it with other kids. I believe kids ask for the info they are ready for at any given time and that doesn't work if your child is told all by another child. I'm not sure I explained that well. But overall not a big deal to me.
post #13 of 118
I would and wouldn't have a problem with this. Yes, I agree, the 'truth' should not be kept from children. If they ask where 'babies come from' I think its okay to state the basics..... But I would be uncomfortable saying (or having such things said to my child) as 'hard penis feels good'. I mean, I am comfortable with scientific basics, but not the whole 'sexual-ness' of it all. I wouldn't want to give the wrong message iykwim.

Of course - the little girl probably asked something like 'does it hurt?!?!' with shock when her mother told her what happens - and of course her mother told her it 'feels' good. Or something like that. So whilst shocked at first, I think I could see the innocence in it as well.
post #14 of 118
*shrug* What I see here was that the mom probably gave her some decent information, which went into her five-year-old brain and came back out phrased in a slightly more five-year-old-ish way.

I could see a five-year-old questioning to the extent of this knowledge:

"Mommy, how are babies made?"

"The daddy puts his penis into the mommy . . . "

"Where?"

"Her vagina . . . "

"But penises are soft!" (A five-year-old may have seen her brother or father naked at some point)

"Penises get hard sometimes."

"Why would you do THAT?"

"Because it feels good."

Translation to five-year-old language: A daddy puts his hard penis into mommy because it feels good.
post #15 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by cschick View Post
*shrug* What I see here was that the mom probably gave her some decent information, which went into her five-year-old brain and came back out phrased in a slightly more five-year-old-ish way.

I could see a five-year-old questioning to the extent of this knowledge:

"Mommy, how are babies made?"

"The daddy puts his penis into the mommy . . . "

"Where?"

"Her vagina . . . "

"But penises are soft!" (A five-year-old may have seen her brother or father naked at some point)

"Penises get hard sometimes."

"Why would you do THAT?"

"Because it feels good."

Translation to five-year-old language: A daddy puts his hard penis into mommy because it feels good.

:

that's how I imagine the original conversation took place. It seems totally age appropriate to me. I understand the mom being defensive, because frankly if someone thought it *wasn't* age appropriate they were probably angry at the mom who told the truth.

this folks, is why it is important to tell kids about sex and drugs and other things before their friends do! Because they are going to hear about it somewhere.
post #16 of 118
it wouldn't bother me.
i don't get the part about your friend "selectively" lying though - how is she selectively lying?
post #17 of 118
I don't have a problem with this either. My DD knows the basic facts and has a book (It's Not The Stork) which she is capable of reading herself. I haven't comletely vetted the book. I think it has info about the clitoris, etc.
post #18 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by mandib50 View Post
it wouldn't bother me.
i don't get the part about your friend "selectively" lying though - how is she selectively lying?
: I don't understand that part either -- where does the selective lying come into all of this?
post #19 of 118
I really don't see the issue. I mean, yeah, you haven't gone there with your kid yet. Other parents have different ideas about when this sort of knowledge is appropriate. I don't see how something like this wouldn't happen, unless every parent in the world sat down and had "the talk" with their kids on the same day. I mean, I think this mom did more to prevent this than I have (I don't think I've ever told my kids that talking about how babies are made with people outside the family is inappropriate.) I'm not sure why a confrontation was necessary, although I do think bringing it up to the other mom is fine (if for no other reason then to make sure that the mom knew she had this knowledge, and that it came from mom and not someone who was molesting her or something). I'm not sure what you expected other mom to do - apologize for teaching biology to her child?
post #20 of 118
How would I react? I don't think I would have. The child had correct information in age appropriate terms.

How did the mom selectively lie? Because she didn't go in ART or rape?
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