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How would you react to this? - Page 3

post #41 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by vegemamato View Post
(and I also agree with the pp that mom should get an apology for the 'confrontation' since, IMO, she did nothing wrong..)
Yes, I agree with this, too. Neither she nor her child have done anything wrong!

My older dd was 4 when I became pregnant with her sister. And she was one who wasn't satisfied with the simple "sperm meets egg" story -- she wanted to know specifically HOW it happened. To be exact, she asked if she could watch us, and I explained that sex is a very private thing.

But even though I wasn't willing to have sex in front of her, or show her videos of other people having sex, I of course wanted to do my best to satisfy her curiosity by giving her accurate information. I also did say that not all of her friends knew this stuff yet, and that their parents wanted to be the ones to tell them when they had the questions.

And it never really came up with friends or friends' parents, or at least it was never brought to my attention. But as far as withholding the information until they ask the questions -- my current 4yo isn't as verbally-advanced as her sister was at this age (plus I'm not pregnant), so she hasn't directly asked these same questions yet.

However, she HAS seen our female cat going into heat and mating, and then going through pregnancy and giving birth. She's also seen bugs mating. I'm not sure if she exactly connects the sex with the babies at this point -- but she enjoys watching her own birth video, and periodically asks to see this or other "babies coming out of mommies' butts" which we can easily find with a quick google.

She loves reenacting her own birth, and also having her little toy animals and her dolls give birth.

It seems more surprising to me when I hear children have reached puberty without ever having expressed any curiosity about sex or reproduction -- but I guess it can happen. Still, when parents say they don't want their children to discover anything about sex until they think to ask the questions themselves, I can't help wondering if they plan to keep them indoors 24/7 and keep them away from all kinds of nature study.

Because sex is all around us. It's the stuff of life, you know. The other day my oldest saw flies flying and mating at the same time. Cool stuff.
post #42 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZanZansMommy View Post
Your 5 year old daughter is told by your friends 5 year old daughter that babies are made when a hard penis goes into the vagina & it feel good (the child doesn't know this. mom just told her it feels good). Friends 5 year old just brings it up out of the blue (we were hiking through the woods) & has been told by mom not to discuss this with anyone.

This did not happen to my daughter because she was not within ear shot of this but it could have easily been my child. When my friend was confronted with this information, she became defensive & said, "I don't know why people feel the need to keep this from their kids. I just won't lie." What she actually means is she selectively lies.

Thoughts please.
I might spurt out my water if I just taken a sip on the hike. but I wouldn't be bothered by it if she was giving my 5 year old the info.

Add me to the list of those who completely doesn't get what you mean by saying your friend is selectively lying.
post #43 of 118
It wouldn't bother me, and I certainly wouldn't confront the child's mother.
post #44 of 118
Quote:
"But penises are soft!" (A five-year-old may have seen her brother or father naked at some point)
How in the world would a 5 year old girl know that a penis being soft is problem when it comes to how it enters the woman?

I think the information was too graphic for the age. Most five year old girls who know that the penis is not always soft have been sexually abused. If a five year old shared with me that she knew that detail of sex, I'd be very concerned.

Which is exactly what I would say to my friend. I'd also tell her I find it difficult to believe that she didn't already know that five year olds tell everyone, everything and that some parents would find that language either inappropriate and/or disturbing.
post #45 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
How in the world would a 5 year old girl know that a penis being soft is problem when it comes to how it enters the woman?

I think the information was too graphic for the age. Most five year old girls who know that the penis is not always soft have been sexually abused. If a five year old shared with me that she knew that detail of sex, I'd be very concerned.

Which is exactly what I would say to my friend. I'd also tell her I find it difficult to believe that she didn't already know that five year olds tell everyone, everything and that some parents would find that language either inappropriate and/or disturbing.
Logical deduction? I wouldn't find it odd that a five year old might think of that as a problem, and also wouldn't find it odd that a five year old might not think of it as a problem. It all depends on how that particular five year old thinks about things.

And seriously, I fall on the side of "if you find that language inappropriate and/or disturbing" you haven't been around a lot of five year olds. Maybe it's because my neighborhood is currently filled with kids from 4-6 years of age . . . they talk about butts, they talk about penises, they have really weird imaginations when it comes various types of bodily functions. They're obsessed with bodily stuff. Really, their conversation is constantly on the somewhat gross and inappropriate side of things.
post #46 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
How in the world would a 5 year old girl know that a penis being soft is problem when it comes to how it enters the woman?
They wouldn't necessarily know, but they could guess at it. I'm constantly astonished at some of the connections dd1 makes about things.

Quote:
I think the information was too graphic for the age. Most five year old girls who know that the penis is not always soft have been sexually abused. If a five year old shared with me that she knew that detail of sex, I'd be very concerned.
That wouldn't go off on my radar at all. I'd guess the child had asked a lot of questions.

Quote:
Which is exactly what I would say to my friend. I'd also tell her I find it difficult to believe that she didn't already know that five year olds tell everyone, everything and that some parents would find that language either inappropriate and/or disturbing.
So, she's supposed to not tell her daughter things, because someone else may not want to hear it from her daughter? I'm not going to decide what my kids can know based on what other people want their kids to know. I tell my kids what I want them to know.

I also wouldn't just assume my child would talk to other kids about it, especially if I'd said not to do so. DD1 probably would, so I know it can happen. But, before dd1, I'd have based my assessments on ds1, and he was incredibly discreet, even as a small child. He just had an amazingly well developed sense of what was appropriate in what circumstance.
post #47 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by cschick View Post
And seriously, I fall on the side of "if you find that language inappropriate and/or disturbing" you haven't been around a lot of five year olds. Maybe it's because my neighborhood is currently filled with kids from 4-6 years of age . . . they talk about butts, they talk about penises, they have really weird imaginations when it comes various types of bodily functions. They're obsessed with bodily stuff. Really, their conversation is constantly on the somewhat gross and inappropriate side of things.
Uh, huh. DS2 (4) is always making comments about kissing penises and stuff. He thinks it's hilarious (he has never actually tried to kiss a penis). I don't find it worrying...just incredibly tedious. DS1 mostly skipped the potty humour phase, but dd1 and ds2 are both heavily into it. Blech.
post #48 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
How in the world would a 5 year old girl know that a penis being soft is problem when it comes to how it enters the woman?

I think the information was too graphic for the age. Most five year old girls who know that the penis is not always soft have been sexually abused. If a five year old shared with me that she knew that detail of sex, I'd be very concerned.

Which is exactly what I would say to my friend. I'd also tell her I find it difficult to believe that she didn't already know that five year olds tell everyone, everything and that some parents would find that language either inappropriate and/or disturbing.

I wouldn't assume a child had experienced abuse if they had that level of info (for example, 6 yo dd knows penises get hard because she has a 3yo little brother who thinks it's fun to announce when it happens to his - also from books from the "It's Not the Stork" series, but little brother has probably reinforced it), but it is a level of detail that a lot of kids that age might not have. For that reason, I probably would mention it to the girl's mother, because if the mother didn't know where she got the info, it would be good to follow up on.

As to the second part of this post - I don't even know what to say to that. I'm not going to lie to my kids so they might not tell your kids something you don't want them to know. At what point would it be okay to give that information? When you do tell your daughter, will you check with the parents of all the kids she knows to see if anyone has any objections?
post #49 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
Uh, huh. DS2 (4) is always making comments about kissing penises and stuff. He thinks it's hilarious (he has never actually tried to kiss a penis). I don't find it worrying...just incredibly tedious. DS1 mostly skipped the potty humour phase, but dd1 and ds2 are both heavily into it. Blech.
Right. Maybe I get the brunt of it because I'm usually the mom down WITH the 4-6 year olds.

We ended up in an odd position in our neighborhood: there's a whole bunch of kids about 18 months OLDER than the kid, and a whole bunch of kids about 18 months YOUNGER than the kid, but no kids his own age, and he'd much rather play with the big kids than the babies, so I'm typically with him and the older kids making sure he doesn't get run over by them. (Their moms have all moved to "distance supervision" from the deck/porch/patio).

But the bad potty, genital, romance humor . . . it starts by 4. I'm not quite sure how many kids get past about 4 or 5 without having some basic sexual understanding. THAT I actually find to be the problem: when 4 or 5 year olds are making weird wise-cracks about it all, that's what the other 4 and 5 year olds are taking away from it. I doubt many parents are telling their kids that babies come from kissing, but some stupid kids are telling other kids that with an air of authority.
post #50 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by cschick View Post
I doubt many parents are telling their kids that babies come from kissing, but some stupid kids are telling other kids that with an air of authority.
I've had kids ask me about the baby/kissing thing.. First, I ask where they heard that from, then I tell them to ask their parents

Guess some people would rather me not hint at the unreliability of their theory/information, and send them home for the truth?
post #51 of 118
It would seem odd to me for a 5yo to reason that a soft penis might be difficult to insert into a vagina -- but then that's not what the OP said her child's friend had said, anyway. It was said by another poster just kind of guessing about how the hardness might have naturally "come up" in conversation.

But while I might think it odd for a young child to say, "But penises are SOFT" (which of course we have no indication that the child actually said) -- it doesn't seem that odd for a 5yo, especially if she has a younger or close-in-age brother, to have observed that sometimes boys have erections.

And to maybe put 2 and 2 together and surmise that there's a connection between erections and sex. And even to ask her mother what sex feels like.

I don't think a child has to be abused to learn some of these things. It all depends on the child's level of curiosity, and also the child's comfort with asking questions of parents. I feel glad that my own 9yo is so comfortable talking openly with me about these issues.

I had a lot of the same questions, and made a lot of the same observations, when I was my dd's age. But I didn't discuss most of this with my mother, because of her obvious discomfort and the fact that if I got too open with her about my thoughts and feelings, I'd hear her later on the phone asking her friends if this was normal for my age.

So this sounds like a child who has a very comfortable and open relationship with her mother -- and who is actually less likely to be sexually abused, or for it to go unreported, because it sounds like she talks to her mom regularly about everything she is wondering and experiencing.

I'd actually be more worried about the children who aren't discussing their curiosities with their parents, because maybe they won't be as comfortable telling parents, or even have the words to describe it, if they are being abused.
post #52 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by cschick View Post
I doubt many parents are telling their kids that babies come from kissing, but some stupid kids are telling other kids that with an air of authority.
LOL, I had started out by being rather vague with my oldest, talking about mommies and daddies doing a special kind of "naked snuggling" to make a baby. But she just kept wondering specifically how the sperm got to the egg.

And I'm kind of glad now that she made me explain it more clearly. 'Cause I'd hate for her to be thinking people can get pregnant just by snuggling together.
post #53 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post

So this sounds like a child who has a very comfortable and open relationship with her mother -- and who is actually less likely to be sexually abused, or for it to go unreported, because it sounds like she talks to her mom regularly about everything she is wondering and experiencing.

I'd actually be more worried about the children who aren't discussing their curiosities with their parents, because maybe they won't be as comfortable telling parents, or even have the words to describe it, if they are being abused.


I'm also in the "wouldn't bother me at all" camp. It may not be the wording I'd think of off the bat, but it's true and no big deal IMO.
post #54 of 118
I see absolutely nothing wrong with a five year old child knowing the specifics about sex. We started reading the "Where Do I Come From" book with Denali (that book was mine from when I was a kid!) when she was five, and it talks all about sex in a kid-friendly way, even about why penises become hard and such.

Curiosity about sex and babies is very normal at that age. My daughter just turned six, and I've found she has some VERY in-depth questions and curiosities about how babies are made. For instance, we told her that she was born with all he eggs she will ever have, that they are inside her right now. When she proudly proclaimed that "all my eggs are girls!" I told her how it is actually the sperm from the father that decides of the baby will be a boy or a girl. She was fascinated by that, and managed to work it into several conversations. That led to us discussing about what was appropriate talk at the dinner table at a restaurant (while the folks at the table next to us just about died of laughter).
post #55 of 118
Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem. But then at 5 DD pretty much knew that part of how babies were made.

Like a PP said, it would bug me more (and did once) if the other girl comes up with some story about a stork or cabbage patch (or in our case angels).
post #56 of 118
I think it's fine to tell them the truth too but I do it based on their age. I think 5 is a bit too young to get "that" specific because children that age tend to talk about everything to other children and adults. I'd be afraid they'd take it out of context and make things look weird to other people. Nothing wrong with keeping it "age appropriate" IMO. They can be told more and more as they get older and more mature. I'm not saying someone has to wait until the child is middle school aged or anything, but 5 is a bit young to be that descriptive. I also just don't see the need for a child that age to know so much information. What does it benefit them in the here and now?
post #57 of 118
If the child is asking, then the benefit comes not necessarily from the knowlege itself, but from the experience of asking their parents a question and getting an honest, straightforward answer about sex. I can't really fathom why people would think this isn't age appropriate information for any child that is asking. I mean, I don't put off answering how we breathe or how taste buds work or why we poop - why would I put off answering why a penis gets hard or how babies are made?
post #58 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by darcytrue View Post
I think it's fine to tell them the truth too but I do it based on their age. I think 5 is a bit too young to get "that" specific because children that age tend to talk about everything to other children and adults. I'd be afraid they'd take it out of context and make things look weird to other people. Nothing wrong with keeping it "age appropriate" IMO. They can be told more and more as they get older and more mature. I'm not saying someone has to wait until the child is middle school aged or anything, but 5 is a bit young to be that descriptive. I also just don't see the need for a child that age to know so much information. What does it benefit them in the here and now?
I agree with you.
post #59 of 118
Sounds like something we would tell our 5 y/o if she asked.
post #60 of 118


I guess I don't get the "hide the truth from the children camp" at all.

I wish my five-year-old self had had that five-year-old as a friend. There was no information available in my home. I think at 10 I was still trying to figure out how a penis that faced the feet got into a hole between the legs. Some mention of it getting hard and turning up would have saved me much needless confusion.
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