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How would you react to this? - Page 4

post #61 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by expecting-joy View Post


I guess I don't get the "hide the truth from the children camp" at all.

I wish my five-year-old self had had that five-year-old as a friend. There was no information available in my home. I think at 10 I was still trying to figure out how a penis that faced the feet got into a hole between the legs. Some mention of it getting hard and turning up would have saved me much needless confusion.


I answer questions honestly as my children ask them I wouldn't be disturbed by that at all. I WAS disturbed, however, when the 9yo girl next door asked me "where do you get babies?" I wanted so much to tell her
post #62 of 118
I'd probably be slightly embarrassed, but wouldn't think the five-year-old or her mother had done anything wrong (or inappropriate, within the context of five-year-olds, who are bundles of inappropriateness!). Confrontation seems rather an odd response... "YOUR daughter knows how babies are made!"?
post #63 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZanZansMommy View Post
Your 5 year old daughter is told by your friends 5 year old daughter that babies are made when a hard penis goes into the vagina & it feel good (the child doesn't know this. mom just told her it feels good). Friends 5 year old just brings it up out of the blue (we were hiking through the woods) & has been told by mom not to discuss this with anyone.

This did not happen to my daughter because she was not within ear shot of this but it could have easily been my child. When my friend was confronted with this information, she became defensive & said, "I don't know why people feel the need to keep this from their kids. I just won't lie." What she actually means is she selectively lies.

Thoughts please.
Doesn't sound all that different from (part of) what my kids know about sex and reproduction. I've never explained sex as an isolated event used only to make babies -- my kids know it's something people do because it feels good, and that there are things you can do to prevent babies from being made while doing it (and prevent a fetus from developing into a baby, if that fails).

I would not be upset if my child heard the same thing from another kid, and while I wouldn't be defensive if another parent didn't want her kid to hear it . . . I don't respect parents who try to hide this stuff from their children. If my kid isn't giving false information, I'm not going to go out of my way to stop him or her from saying anything.
post #64 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post
...within the context of five-year-olds, who are bundles of inappropriateness!...

Very well said!
post #65 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
How in the world would a 5 year old girl know that a penis being soft is problem when it comes to how it enters the woman?

I think the information was too graphic for the age. Most five year old girls who know that the penis is not always soft have been sexually abused.
Or they have little (or big) brothers that aren't modest. Even young boys' penises are sometimes hard, sometimes soft, etc.

I dunno. My son cracked me up the other day (a couple days after we'd talked about sex) saying, "A big penis wouldn't fit. It must be the small penises that go into vaginas." I did explain that the vagina is very stretchy . . . but part of me thinks he was trying to make himself feel better. He's very curious lately about when he is going to grow bigger, have body hair, etc. I was though.
post #66 of 118
I wouldn't think there was anything inappropriate in what she said, and I wouldn't be surprised or worried that she repeated it somewhat inappropriately.

FWIW, I remember at about age 6 being really curious about how a mushy penis could get inside a vagina - it seemed clear to me that it shouldn't work from the few I had seen (dad, my cousin, the kid up the street who was always whipping it out). I was too shy to ask my mom though I did come to the conclusion that it must somehow get stiffer.
post #67 of 118
I don't see anything wrong with what the 5-year-old in the OP said. My 5-year-old knows all of that.

When I was in kindy we had that book "Where Did I Come From?" and it tells all about sex including erections, so I'm sure I knew about hard penises at that age. It even describes an orgasm by comparing it to a big shivery sneeze. So, that would be the "feels good" part.
post #68 of 118
I don't see a problem at all.

I also don't see what the big deal is about the "hard" and "feels good" part. How is that information harmful for a 5 yo to have???
post #69 of 118
I mean it's a five year old, that's probably only a small part of the whole conversation.

I was read "Where did I come from?" when I was like 4 or 5. My DD who is 3 is finding out this information currently because I am having a baby in around 10 days and she keeps saying she's pregnant too. I told her that babies come out of mommy's vaginas and daddies help put them there. We also have had the penis=boy, vagina=girl discussion often, because she's fascinated by the differences in gender. Our neighbors dog is a boy, he comes over to our house, sometimes he gets a bit "excited"(even if he's fixed). She saw his penis the other day and asked what it was, I told her.

I guess for me it's easier to just give the information, IDK if I'd go into the schematics of things, but YK I haven't had to quite cross that bridge-just yet.
post #70 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by aprons_and_acorns View Post
I don't see anything wrong with what the 5-year-old in the OP said. My 5-year-old knows all of that.

When I was in kindy we had that book "Where Did I Come From?" and it tells all about sex including erections, so I'm sure I knew about hard penises at that age. It even describes an orgasm by comparing it to a big shivery sneeze. So, that would be the "feels good" part.


I know it shouldn't be, but...that's HILARIOUS!
post #71 of 118
I think it's better to tell the truth, but I think I would have been a bit shocked if I had been there. I think "hard penis" and "feels good" is a too graphic and probly would not be in my vocabulary with a 5 year old... However, she has the right to tell her kid whatever she wants....I think your issue is more, how to prepare your 5 year old to hear things that you aren't ready to tell her or that you haven't talked about with her yet... maybe you can sit down with her and have a talk about "when you hear about something new" or whatever you feel comfortable telling her to make sure the lines of communication are open so that if she does hear something like that, that she comes to you first.
post #72 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckyand3littlemonsters View Post
i've also told chloe that having a baby hurts a lot.
Am I the only one who thinks this is sad? It doesn't always hurt a lot, and twenty years is a long time to worry about going through "a lot" of hurt to have a baby...

Quote:
Originally Posted by vegemamato View Post
and I also agree with the pp that mom should get an apology for the 'confrontation' since, IMO, she did nothing wrong.
I'll be the twenty-sixth person to second this. 5 year old child had an honest question and got an honest answer. Pretty exciting information - truthful, and not in any way damaging IMO. I don't get why anyone would get worked up. A bit red in the face if overheard in certain public places - but not wrong or bad.
post #73 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
Am I the only one who thinks this is sad? It doesn't always hurt a lot, and twenty years is a long time to worry about going through "a lot" of hurt to have a baby...
True. But, there's no guarantee that she'll worry about it. Growing up, I heard lots about how much it hurt to have a baby (not from my mom, I'll admit). I never worried about it. Actually, when I got pregnant with my first, I really looked forward to the process of birth.
post #74 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by cschick View Post
And seriously, I fall on the side of "if you find that language inappropriate and/or disturbing" you haven't been around a lot of five year olds. Maybe it's because my neighborhood is currently filled with kids from 4-6 years of age . . . they talk about butts, they talk about penises, they have really weird imaginations when it comes various types of bodily functions. They're obsessed with bodily stuff. Really, their conversation is constantly on the somewhat gross and inappropriate side of things.
This is very true and I wish someone had warned me about this a year ago. It gets ridiculous.
post #75 of 118
I think my first reaction would be "oh my" and then when I broke it down in my head I would think, "eh, makes sense".

Confronting the mother is a very odd response, IMO. She did nothing wrong. She even tried to tell her dd not to talk about it.

If it were me though, I would check in with the mom to make sure it was true that she got the info from her mom. Because part of me would want to make sure that she learned about hard penises in an appropriate context. Just looking out, yk?

And then I would giggle at the 5yo sex conversation.
post #76 of 118
It would be a little too explicit for my taste, but it wouldn't worry me (I don't think). My DC who know the facts of life are horrified, they think that sounds incredibly revolting. I don't like saying too much about "It feels good" because when you say that kids start wondering whether they might like it too (as in here and now).

Also, I have emphasised that
*Kids mustn't do it
*You don't do it with relatives.

DC will figure out, eventually, on their own that "It feels good".
I was told too young too much about sex and it led to me experimenting when I was very young (with other very young friends). No harm done, really, but I felt ashamed about it for years, and that shame was quite harmful. Hence why I am quite eager to put DC off the idea for now!! The more revolting they think sex is, the better.

Now DS is 9yo I have started to explain to him the sad fact that some adults are very messed up in the head and would like to have sex with children . I added that if this happens it is NEVER the child's fault, always the adult's.
post #77 of 118
Thread Starter 
OP here. Wow things move quickly on this board. I didn't read all the responses but,

To clarify a few things: I was not the one who confronted said friend(D). It was the other mother(J) whose DD was the receipient of the information. She confided in me b/c I was also on the hike but much further ahead of this group. She was quite upset about it b/c her DD has not asked about this yet, she didn't like the way it was presented & she wanted to go over this with her DD. All things I can understand. She was also upset that other friend(D) seems to have 2 sets of standards for what her kids hear & what others can hear.

After spending some thinking about it what upset me goes deeper than the conversation between the 2 kids. It essentially boils down to my sentence of this mother's selective lying. And unfortunately I can't explain any more of that.

My DD knows where babies come from but she knows it in reference to her own body: ovaries, hormones, menses, ovualtion. etc. She didn't ask for more information & she was happy with the information given. As a physician, I felt it was the best information for her at the time that she asked. When she asks for more & I feel she's ready to hear more, I'll provide her with that. I certainly do not & would never consider this lying by any means.
post #78 of 118
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
Having read the rest of the thread...the "hard" part doesn't even begin to faze me. Honestly, the inclusion of that word strongly suggests to me that this child had a Q&A session with her mom (similar to the one described by cschick in post 14). I could see the idea of the penis getting hard being a natural response to a child's question, but I've never known a mom who just randomly told her kids that a man puts his "hard" penis in a woman's vagina, yk?
Exactly! Knowing my friend the way I do, this is more than likely exactly how she explained "hard" to her DD.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
So, she's supposed to not tell her daughter things, because someone else may not want to hear it from her daughter? I'm not going to decide what my kids can know based on what other people want their kids to know. I tell my kids what I want them to know

And here in lies the problem. Said mom(D) has asked other moms to lie about an incident, so that her children do not find out about it. An incident that she is lying about to her children & she now wants us to cover for her by not discussing it whith our children & making sure they don't bring it up to hers.

Other mom (J) is livid over this. (D) cannot understand why (J) was upset about the sex talk, but she(D) also has no idea why others(J, myself & 2 mamas) would be put off to lie to our children to protect hers.

I cannot go into details about the incident.
post #79 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZanZansMommy View Post
And here in lies the problem. Said mom(D) has asked other moms to lie about an incident, so that her children do not find out about it. An incident that she is lying about to her children & she now wants us to cover for her by not discussing it whith our children & making sure they don't bring it up to hers.
Well, I'd make it abundantly clear to her that I would *not* be lying to my kids. I could certainly ask them not to bring it up (even if that meant saying, "D is a nutjob that doesn't want to be honest with her kids, so try not to mention this around them"), but I wouldn't lie or hide something from my own kids to protect someone else's. So far, my kids have been good about not divulging information that I asked them not to share with specific people -- including stuff about a friend's pregnancy and abortion).
post #80 of 118
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZanZansMommy View Post
And here in lies the problem. Said mom(D) has asked other moms to lie about an incident, so that her children do not find out about it. An incident that she is lying about to her children & she now wants us to cover for her by not discussing it whith our children & making sure they don't bring it up to hers.

Other mom (J) is livid over this. (D) cannot understand why (J) was upset about the sex talk, but she(D) also has no idea why others(J, myself & 2 mamas) would be put off to lie to our children to protect hers.

I cannot go into details about the incident.
Say "no"

I can't imagine agreeing to that request.

And I'm guessing this is a santa thing :

eta....my dd is another that wanted to know "how exactly does the sperm get to the egg???" at 4. I told her the truth. I was pg at the time, and suspect that mommy's pregnancy is often the catalyst for this kind of questioning.
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