Brain wash dh without destroying his manhood?

[tanyam926]

Dh is driving me crazy w/his resistance to healthy eating. In his defense, he has made a lot of changes to his eating since we met and he has been exposed to my ideas, and it has only been 2 1/2 yrs so I have to give him credit there. He does eat what I cook mostly, sometimes I have to make him a slightly dif alternative, generally he's good.

But.....(isn't there always a but?), he still doesn't totally buy into the whole thing. I like to eat REAL food, minimally processed, good, clean food and am slowly moving to a more TF way of eating. I have always struggled w/my weight and have finally been healthier the last few yrs but I am trying to lose baby weight and have 20 lbs to go still. I am very weak when it comes to willpower and I can't have junk in the house. Plus, when we have junk food my kids want to eat it all the time and I feel like I am constantly fighting them.

So dh likes to buy hot dogs, snack cakes (mostly for work lunches), ice cream, doritos, just junk. He really doesn't think that those foods are all that bad. I am not hardcore about food, we eat junk every once in a while, I would just rather not have it in the house on a daily basis.

So my dh is on board w/all of my crazy, unfamiliar to him ideas (and even brags about my crunchiness sometimes-he's proud of me) but I need him to not bring crap into the house. I don't want the kids eating it, and if I eat it I can't lose the weight I am trying to, I get stomache aches, and I even start feeling depressed (but after 24 hrs of eating well it goes away, it is DIRECTLY related to what I eat).

How do I bring him around w/out making him feel like I have his b*lls in a vice? He is a grown man who is fully capable of making his own decisions, I totally respect that, and he has made tons of changes since his bachelor life w/a smile and nary a complaint bc he loves us. I don't want to dictate what he can and can't eat.

He is not a researching type of guy, he leaves that up to me so giving him stuff to read is out. He hates when I harp on a subject and gets a deer in the headlights look when I say "we have to talk". So what has worked for you w/your SO? I have to find a way to make him think it's his idea, or that he is atleast in on the decision. I need to set up a safe zone at our house and I need help!

[spedteacher30]

We have certain foods we allow in the house, and certain foods we don't. If either one of us wants to eat the things that don't come in the house, we have to eat it/store it elsewhere. Do you care if he eats it at work? Can he keep it at work? Or, in the car? If his overall health is decent, and he's reasonable in the amount he eats, I'd just ask him to keep it out of the house to help you eat better, and instill healthy eating habits in the children.

[WC_hapamama]

This is going to sound harsh, but I think it needs to be said. I think that you should back off of your DH. I'm sure he's well aware that the crap food is not healthy for him, but as an adult, it's his right to continue eating it without the guilt trip from you.

It's YOUR choice for you not to eat the crap... you're the one that should have to exercise more willpower to avoid the crap rather than to prohibit him to bring it in the house.

You've made a choice not to eat processed junk, you've made the choice not to buy the processed junk, but your DH has made a choice too, and I think you need to respect it. It's his home too, and you're not his mother.

Consider a compromise... do you have a place in the garage or the top shelf of a linen closet, that he can store his crap food in?

Now if you were talking about something illegal or immediately life threatening, like drugs or a gun, I'd say that you have every right to ban it from the house, but it's not terribly common for someone to drop dead instantly from eating a Twinkie.

[KatWrangler]

I agree you need to back off your DH.

Having said that, keep finding new recipes your DH may like. See if he will compromise and try some new/healthy food a couple of times a month or whatever.

He has a lifelong habit. Its very difficult to get someone to want to change how they eat. But THEY have to make the decision.

[amcal]

Of course her husband can eat whatever he wants but, I think it's fair to ask him not to bring it into the house. She said not only does she not want to eat it but, she doesn't want her kids to eat it and I think that's a very valid concern.

Would we be saying he has the right to bring alcohol into the house if she were an alcoholic?

A lot of these processed, crap foods are like drugs and while saying "get some willpower" is nice, it's not that easy. Study after study says that healthy eating isn't about willpower. Crap foods are designed to get us addicted.

I wouldn't approach this as telling him what he can eat but, I would ask him if there is anyway he'd be willing to help you with your stuggles with food. And, I'd get him on board in regards to the health of the children. He can't possibly think those foods are good for the kids so, I'd approach it that way.

Don't tell him what he can and can't eat though. Maybe just ask him if he needs a treat to just buy a small amount for himself and keep it where no one else sees it?

[SuburbanHippie]

My DH buys junk food, BUT he keeps it at work or in his car. I don't want the kids thinking it's a free for all. He's gotten much better since I've been posting links to healthy eating blogs on his facebook. I think he's really starting to come around.

[Alyantavid]

We do have some junk food in the house, although we mostly eat really well. We have a bucket of candy in the cupboard as well. Most of that candy has been there since last Halloween. My kids know junk food is allowed, in moderation. They don't ever try to sneak any junk food, mostly because they know they'll get some. My kids know alot about food, what's good for you and what isn't.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

[mumkimum]

Is it possible for him to keep some of the junk at work (if he eats it there, mostly)?

There are certain junk foods dh likes to eat, and we will get them ONLY in small, individual packs. It makes it such that he eats it less often, and makes it less tempting to me. We also get it less often cause it's somewhat more expensive. Doing this (at least with the foods that tempt you the most) might help out.

If you asked him to really limit it just over a few weeks, would that be enough for you to get away from the junk food that it wouldn't tempt you afterward? I just mention that cause I know that when I've gone through periods of just not eating/having x or y around, afterward it gets alot easier to say "no, I won't eat that". I'd really focus on your problems dealing with having it around so much (for youself & your kids) and see if you can get him to do something just slightly different that would make a difference for everyone else. Even just not keeping it around and going to get it EVERY TIME he wants it might make a difference for the household.

[Drummer's Wife]

I am not sure what you can do to change your DH's eating habits b/c he is is own person, yk?

I am similar to you with cooking good food, much of it from scratch, we buy almost all whole foods, very minimally processed, and are getting into more TF's by the day. My DH enjoys what I cook, and doesn't complain. He even eats a good amount of veggies when he used to have an aversion to them.

The bad is that he still eats fast food pretty much 5 days a week. I can't control what he eats at work (nor do I try to at home by any means, it's just that I do most of the grocery shopping and cooking and buy healthy stuff). I have complained to him, mainly from a financial aspect b/c often he spends $10 per day on fast food/gas station snacks/vending machines. Lately, he has been motivated to get more in shape, he has been exercising and paying attention to calorie intake (mainly after realizes he burned 150 calories in 30 minutes only to gain most of it back in 5 min drinking a beer). Just yesterday he said he wanted to bring 2 fruits a day to work to snack on - which is a big step up for him. I've offered to make him lunches, to pack leftovers, sent him with baggies of nuts and carrot sticks - only for him to say no, thanks and come back with the snacks uneaten.

I guess I just think the changes have to come from the individual. I still refuse to buy packaged crap and junk food, but I can't take DH's debit card away so he doesn't stop at the drive through or buy chips at the gas station - not that I want to be that controlling, or anything.

Mine, he KNOWS that nutrition is insanely important, he's just a bit set in his ways. When you are used to snacking on a candy bar and drinking a mountain dew in the afternoons to get some energy to finish the work day, it's hard to imagine eating cheese and fruit... it may have to be a gradual change, to adjust your mind and taste buds. I think part of why my DH is at least acknowledging the food issue is b/c he's getting closer to 30 and is gaining weight slowly by not playing his drums several times a week as he did in the past. That was an entire body workout, and he stayed in shape even eating and drinking crap.

and just so you know we have similar DH's - mine loves his green chile double cheeseburgers, too

[lil_earthmomma]

I think it's awesome that you want to respect your dh's autonomy while still providing a healthy diet for you and your dc.

I would have an honest discusion about your willpower and the power struggles you experience with your dc when there is junk food in the house. There has to be a comprimise. Maybe like a pp said he could keep that stuff at work, or buy it during his break, or keep it in the car.

If you make it about you wanting to lose weight, not about his unhealthy choices, I have a feeling he will be more willing to work with you.

[ms.shell]

another thing that might help is allowing healthier "junk" choices.
My dh and also ds want there to be junk snack (and meal) choices here. SO there are certain things that we keep around as healthier alternatives. For example, in place of Doritos, which they would love to eat lots of, especially with a sandwich or lunches, I might put a small pile of SunChips on their plate, and also a pile of thinly sliced apples. This has gone over really well here. So they are still getting their chips, just half as many of a slighty healthier kind and then apples are the bonus. DH has also found a veggie crisp snack he likes as much as chips. Also, Cheetos makes a natural cheese puffs that i feel okay giving ds occasionally for "junk," as they dont have artificial colors and flavorings. I have found a good recipe for peanut butter cookies that I will make for them when they crave sweets. Also, because dh craves fried foods, and i REALLY dont want us to eat that way, I have spent many nights experimenting with different things for coating to use in oven frying. We finally figured out that Rice Chex crushed with Greek seasoning makes an AWESOME coating to oven fry. It is really crunchy and seriously tastes fried. I cut tilapia fillets into strips and make something so much yummier than nasty store bought fish sticks, and it is very good on chicken as well.
good luck to ya'll

[cristeen]

The way I approached this was by asking him to support *my* desire for XYZ (weight loss, control of symptoms, etc.) for myself, which would involve not having ABC in the house because I found it difficult to control myself around those things. In this case you also have children you're concerned about, so I'd also approach it from that direction - that you want the kids to make healthier food choices (be specific - eat less sugar, eat more fruits/veg, etc.) and with these things in the house they don't/won't.

After a while, not having it in the house became a habit, and he just stopped eating it altogether. I know not all guys make that leap, but it was just easier for him because I do all the grocery shopping, and I just stopped buying that stuff.

But I do still buy the occasional treat - a pint of ice cream (not a half gallon) - a small bag of organic or plain chips, or I make my own treats (cookies, cake, etc.), so he doesn't feel totally deprived, yet I can still feel good about those choices.

[EdnaMarie]

I make my mom and my DH store their junk-food on the top shelf where my child cannot get at it. If it were an issue with me, I'd ask them to put a combination bike-lock on there.

Cristeen's suggestion of making homemade treats also helps. I make homemade stuff and put it on the top shelf and in special "Daddy" containers. Eventually that may help fill his cravings for sugar and salt and re-calibrate his taste buds.

You sound like a really sweet family.

[Sol_y_Paz]

Try telling him more than anything you just really need his help so you don't get into it! Let him know you can't do it alone, that it is so hard not to get into it during the day and let him know your goal of losing weight, etc. Make it more about you and less about "restricting" him maybe?
And don't be afraid to home make some substitutes.

[tanyam926]

Originally Posted by WC_hapamama

This is going to sound harsh, but I think it needs to be said. I think that you should back off of your DH. I'm sure he's well aware that the crap food is not healthy for him, but as an adult, it's his right to continue eating it without the guilt trip from you.

It's YOUR choice for you not to eat the crap... you're the one that should have to exercise more willpower to avoid the crap rather than to prohibit him to bring it in the house.

You've made a choice not to eat processed junk, you've made the choice not to buy the processed junk, but your DH has made a choice too, and I think you need to respect it. It's his home too, and you're not his mother.

Consider a compromise... do you have a place in the garage or the top shelf of a linen closet, that he can store his crap food in?

Now if you were talking about something illegal or immediately life threatening, like drugs or a gun, I'd say that you have every right to ban it from the house, but it's not terribly common for someone to drop dead instantly from eating a Twinkie.

Wow, that was harsh. I guess my post came off the wrong way bc I TOTALLY realize my dh has the right to eat whatever he wants. I don't say anything to him about what he eats, and I am not very strict about what we eat either, esp lately. It is his house, I am not his mother, and I really love and respect my man and treat him that way. He is a big boy, he acts like it in all areas of his life, no problem there.

The point of my post was to get some ideas of how to get my dh on board in a way that does not make it seem like what he is choosing is wrong. I don't even feel that it is, I just need help bc when I am stressed out I compulsively eat and it is not something that I can control. If you haven't experienced it you can keep your judgement to yourself.

My dh loves me and I was looking for ideas from other women who might have BTDT that might help me get him on board, and make him think it's his idea. I would never in a million yrs want to dictate to him what he can and can't eat and I believe I said that in my op.

Thanks everyone else for the constructive ideas.

[tanyam926]

Originally Posted by KatWrangler

I agree you need to back off your DH.

Having said that, keep finding new recipes your DH may like. See if he will compromise and try some new/healthy food a couple of times a month or whatever.

He has a lifelong habit. Its very difficult to get someone to want to change how they eat. But THEY have to make the decision.

Just want to reiterate that I DO NOT tell him anything about what he eats. If he asks me to buy snacky junk for his lunches, I do. This is not a problem in our relationship AT ALL and I would NEVER want to tell my dh what he can and can't eat. That is totally disrespectful and unnecessary since he is an adult and can make his own decisions, and I would not like him to do the same to me.

[tanyam926]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

We do have some junk food in the house, although we mostly eat really well. We have a bucket of candy in the cupboard as well. Most of that candy has been there since last Halloween. My kids know junk food is allowed, in moderation. They don't ever try to sneak any junk food, mostly because they know they'll get some. My kids know alot about food, what's good for you and what isn't.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I totally agree w/you on this. We are def not strict about this, in fact I think we have a lot of improving to do. I feel like lately we have been eating more junk than usual though. We have a very relaxed attitude about food here and there are no good and bad foods. We enjoy pizza twice a month, eat junk at bbqs and buy treats here and there. However, keeping it in the house is a problem for me and causes the problems I mentioned in my op.

[tanyam926]

Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife

I guess I just think the changes have to come from the individual. I still refuse to buy packaged crap and junk food, but I can't take DH's debit card away so he doesn't stop at the drive through or buy chips at the gas station - not that I want to be that controlling, or anything.

Yes, exactly! I actually don't mind that HE eats junk at all (I mean, I love him and want him to be healthy but he is a grown man) and I take pride in cooking healthy food that he loves.

The point of my post is how do I get him on board, how do I talk to him about keeping it in the house bc it's really affecting me w/out making him feel like I am saying he is bad/wrong (bc I don't feel that way at all)?

[tanyam926]

Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma

I think it's awesome that you want to respect your dh's autonomy while still providing a healthy diet for you and your dc.

I would have an honest discusion about your willpower and the power struggles you experience with your dc when there is junk food in the house. There has to be a comprimise. Maybe like a pp said he could keep that stuff at work, or buy it during his break, or keep it in the car.

If you make it about you wanting to lose weight, not about his unhealthy choices, I have a feeling he will be more willing to work with you.

Thank you for this, I will try it from this angle.

[tanyam926]

Thank you everyone, you have given me some ideas on how to approach this w/my hubby.

I really do love him and that's why I posted my question so I could get some ideas so that I didn't come across as judgemental or blaming him for anything. He loves me too and is very considerate of my feelings so I have no doubt that he will be willing to help me out if he knows I am struggling.