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My Mother disowned me!

post #1 of 90
Thread Starter 
last tues we had the most amazing birth experience ever! I truly believe our UC has changed my DH's life!

We called the fam later that day and got mixed reactions, my Mom being one of the positive "it's your choice, etc" now she says she feels like we lied to her and doesn't want to have anything to do with us. She as well as MIL are nurses and very much from the medical model of everything and I decided not to tell anyone so I could focus on having the birth I always wanted, I don't have any regrets about that choice but I'm very upset with the current situation.

any thoughts?????
post #2 of 90
What? that's crazy?? give her a little time to get over whatever it is. Surely she can't cut you and her new grandbaby out of the family?

Congratulations on your new little one!
post #3 of 90
Congratulations on your new baby!

I agree with the pp. Just enjoy your babymoon and your mom will come around.
post #4 of 90
Your mom will come around if and when she's ready. I've gone through the line of family with mainstream medicine beliefs and I won't go that route, my girls have always come first; my oldest is 16 and I didn't stop at every balk of my family to explain myself and we've done really well.

Congratulations to you on your new baby!
post #5 of 90
Congratulations on your baby! And I think she will likely come around.

However, if she never does, then that is her loss (and I would happen to tell her that if a conversation ever happened). If she chooses to cut you out of her life, she will miss out on being involved with your baby. You and your immediate family come first, now and always. Her feelings are secondary. If she can't deal with that then you don't need to deal with her.

I think after she calms down she will realize all that she will miss and change her mind.
post #6 of 90
to you. I hope she comes around soon. How horrible to have that experience.
post #7 of 90
If she'll disown you over the way you give birth who cares? If she wants to be a part of baby's life then she'll come around, if not.... doesn't sound like you're missing much. Sorry she's being so selfish and shallow but I think you should try to forget it enjoy your baby. Don't let her make this about her because it is SO not.
post #8 of 90
Give her a little time to get over it. Because she so needs to get. over. it. Jeez. Sorry you are having to deal with this during your babymoon
Try to not to worry about it and enjoy your new LO!
post #9 of 90
I have an aunt and an uncle who are doctors - very, very mainstream. I don't think they even realize that people still consciously choose to UC. It's not even an option in their minds. So, I know how it can be with medical professionals in the family!

I think your mom will eventually come around as well. I'm sorry she's so upset.

Congrats on your experience, and enjoy your new baby.
post #10 of 90
Ugh, I'm very sorry to hear that. What a stupid reason to abandon your own child. My father disowned me when I was 38 weeks pregnant with my first. He's never met any of my kids and won't take my phone calls. It's pretty pathetic. Is there any other reason she could be pulling this stunt? Maybe this is the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak? Seems really odd to me somehow. Sorry you have to go through this. It's hard when your parent breaks ties like that, you kinda always expect them to be there and to reject you outright is very confusing and hurtful. Hopefully she'll come around. You did what was right for you and your family and that's what matters. Let me know if you need to talk
post #11 of 90
post #12 of 90

i sympathize

I so sympathize! It sounds like you get to be the "adult" in this situation and treat your mom with compassion and love, and some detachment. She is dealing with her own baggage, don't let it weigh you down.

Be proud of yourself and protect yourself gently, while maintaining an open heart for your mom when she is ready to accept you and love you as the wise adult you are.
post #13 of 90
It's her loss. She misses out on the joy of being a grandma. You don't need that stress right now, so forget about it, and enjoy your baby.
post #14 of 90
Congrats on your new baby!

I'm sorry your mom is acting so immaturely. One of two things will happen: either she'll come around, or she won't. If she doesn't, then it's because of HER issues, not because of anything you've done.
post #15 of 90
congratulations on your new baby and great birth!

i can see why your mother is hurt if there was a "lie of omission" going on, but at the same time, the decision she has mad is drastic.

but ultimately, it only hurts her. she misses out on you and her grandchildren for a completely ridiculous reason, imo.

i'm sorry that it's the case, and hopefully she'll realize what she's choosing to miss and come around!
post #16 of 90
What do you want the outcome to be with your relationship. If you want to repair it, then apologize for deceiving them.

They might not forgive you if they see birth through the prism of the medical model, what you did can be seem very irresponsible.

They might think (as most people do who work in the medical model) that you put your life and the baby's life in unnecessary danger by not having a midwife present at the homebirth. Sort of the same reasoning we have insurance on cars, homes, health, life, for the "what if".
That is why most homebirths are midwifery attended births.
post #17 of 90
I can understand why she'd be upset. Lying isn't always just saying one thing when the truth is something else entirely...it can also be leading someone to believe something that isn't true, no matter if it's done explicitly or not.

In our society, we all know that the standard train of thought when someone says they're going to have a baby is they're going to give birth in a hospital or at home with a midwife. We all know this, so if you didn't say anything otherwise then I'm sure you knew that your mom was assuming you would have some sort of professional attendant present. You waited until after the fact to tell her what you were really planning. Do you see how that would hurt her? She feels betrayed right now, and I can't say I blame her. I understand you wanted to make sure there wasn't any interference on her part and it doesn't seem like you felt you could trust her to respect your boundaries. If I were you, and I wanted to keep my relationship with my mother intact and healthy then I would explain how you felt, how you were afraid of how she'd react because right now it sounds like she feels as if she's been slapped in the face.
post #18 of 90
I totally disagree!

It is not lying to NOT tell someone that is not involved in a decision and does not have a say about your choices in any matter.

I do not go out of my way to tell everyone about my choices regarding our life choices (that includes our UC or vaxing choices). And that includes my Mom and my ILs.

The OP's mom has no right to beel hurt or betrayed. It was never her choice to make, and the OP was never required to tell anyone beyond her husband.

And if the OP felt that she may find some unsupportive responses there is nothing that could possibly mean she should have to tell and then just deal with those responses.

If her mother is so immature that she throws a temper tantrum and disowns the OP because the OP made a mature, rational decision regarding her own healthcare and the care of her baby without telling her, a decision that said mother has NO say in, well then, what can be said? It boggles the mind that she would feel justified (and that anyone would justify her behaviour), IMO.
post #19 of 90
It's your body, your birth, your baby! You don't have to justify your choice to anyone. You have nothing to apoligize for - she's the one who owes you an apology for the way she's acting.
post #20 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Earth Momma View Post
last tues we had the most amazing birth experience ever! I truly believe our UC has changed my DH's life!

any thoughts?????
Congrats on your UC! And I am sorry for your mother's feelings, but it's her loss...You did the best for you and the baby, whether she knows it or not. Maybe she will accept it in time, maybe not. But you did a great job, and probably the wise thing in not saying anything to them. I didn't tell my parents of our UC plans either- they would have had a cow. They got over it! Congrats again on your birth, and enjoy your babymoon, whether your family decides to or not, is up to them!
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