So disconnected with DD

[mamaheids]

We've had a rough 2 months. DD2 arrived and DD1 had an extremely hard time at first with the adjustment- lots of acting out, which DH and I were able to hangle okay. (DH had 2 weeks of paternity leave.) Well, DD2 has had lots of issues (intolerances, extreme fussiness) that have completely consumed me since DH went back to work- add my own post-partum depression to that and I feel like I have nothing left for DD1. She is 3.5 and naps went out the window when her little sister came along. (She really still needs a nap, but WILL NOT fall asleep unless DH or I lay with her for a long time and help her "relax, rest your eyes, listen to the music etc.") DD1 is really testing limits right now, being extremely sassy and rude to us and friends, always waking her sister on purpose, and just generally not real pleasant. (Tonight when I was giving her a goodnight snuggle, she got up really close to my face to give me a kiss I thought but then she went and COUGHED on me on purpose. WHAAAT???) I do still get glimpses of my sweet little girl, but only if she and I are out on a "date" and she has had my undivided attention for a long period of time. I'm not coping very well-I've been yelling, blaming, threatening,crying, using time-outs excessively. I feel so disconnected, and I know she does too- but I'm not sure how to get the connection back. She and I go and do things just the two of us several times a week and I try to make sure I play with her, read books etc. when her little sister is sleeping. Also- DH and I switch off nights of putting her to bed, but she is ALWAYS crying for me whenever it is his night. I'm at my wits end. I reacted to her so strongly tonight and made her feel really bad about he whole coughing incident. I was just fed up and felt like we had been beating a dead horse all day long about "catching" her cough in her elbow so she doesn't give others her germs. (She has an allergy cough right now.) She acts like she has NO remorse/doesn't care half the time, and the other half of the time she is DEVASTATED that she has done something upsetting/wrong. And then I feel so guilty because I feel like I am screwing her up. My mother was very emotionally manipulative and would blame my siblings and I for her emotional states , and I'm scared to death I will fall into that same pattern. She is crying out for routine/structure. She really needs to know what to expect all of the time. I just can't figure out how to make that happen right now with a VERY high needs baby and feeling incredibly overwhelmed by my own emotions/lack of sleep/inability to think straight. She does do Waldorf preschool Mon, Tues, Weds mornings so at least she has that for structure/routine. But the rest of the week is a crapshoot and by the weekend she is melting down all the time. Any ideas for me? This is more of a vent than anything else, but I really want to feel connected to my DD1 again and not feel guilty all the time that I'm screwing her up. Help.

[mommyfied]

I read your post and had to respond because it reminds me a lot of my DD! I don't have a lot of advice though! She has had some of the same issues since DD1 was born. (And I have some of the same issues not enjoying her. ) She also needs lots of "help" to get to sleep at night and I understand how exhausting that is. Somehow she's been happy with DH lately, but until recently only I could do it. The first two months were the worst so hopefully things will start getting better for you soon.

One thing I've found is that she really wants to be a baby and LOVES it if we pretend like she is a baby. I rock her and hold her and talk to her like I might talk to DD2. We don't do this a lot but sometimes a little "baby" session when she's being especially rotten is enough to turn her around. It also helps to talk to her about her feelings when we lie down at night. She really is jealous of all the attention the baby gets, but at the same time she wants to be independent and a big sister. It's a lot to deal with. I acknowledge her feelings and focus on the advantages of growing up.

[foreverinbluejeans]

She is crying out for routine/structure.

I was reading along and was surprised when I read this. It doesn't sound to me like your daughter is crying out for routine and structure, it sounds like you are. You wish she would take naps and have gone to extensive lengths to get her to do so. There are problems at bedtime. You go on dates with her. You send her to school.

Try to relax about structure and about the way you think things are supposed to be. Kids don't have to take naps or have bedtimes. They don't have to have one-on-one dates with mom. They don't need preschool, it can actually be bad for them. Give up on coughing, it's too much to expect of a 3 year old.

Don't worry about your connection with your daughter. You have 14 more years with her. You have time.

If you are clinically depressed, do something about it. There are meds you can take and breastfeed.

Simplify your life. Get help with housework. Figure easy ways to shop. I've always shopped at small healthier type grocery stores for fruits, vegies, and meats a couple times a week - just in and out. Then I go to BIG grocery stores once a month.

[aiea]

Hi there,

We were in the same boat over the summer. My advice - get another pair of hands for your baby, even if it's in short segments of time that you can hand her off. I know your infant sounds high needs, but in our case the baby was easier to soothe with our beloved babysitter in the next room, while I took time with our 3yo daughter.

It was really very hard at first. DD1 was devastated by DD2's arrival, I think. She still gets very anxious when in close proximity to her baby sister. We are giving her lots of room to vent, show her feelings, talk about them etc.

Meantime do all you can to relax. Remember that you have to have energy first. Only after you've recharged can you help your little ones.