Having a hard time keeping up with housework, help!

[Elecampane]

I know there have been threads like this before, but I'm really struggling here. I am 8 1/2 weeks pregnant and simply exhausted, like it's an effort to walk across the room most days. I'm also nauseous, especially in the late afternoons after getting home from work, and very very crabby. I WOH full time and have a three year old. It's as much as I can do to get myself out of bed and me to work and DD to daycare in the mornings. My house is a disaster and my DH is very unhappy with the state of our home life...we are getting takeout all the time because I can't face cooking, unfolded laundry baskets abound, there are toys everywhere, I haven't vaccuumed or mopped in over a week, etc. He tries to help out--he did the laundry, for example, but did not put it away...and to me that is the hard part about laundry, the folding and putting away. Or he will focus on something that I think is unnecessary in the grand scheme of things...like washing the kitchen cabinets. I consider this survival mode and I don't give a hoot if the cabinets are a bit sticky. I'd rather be able to walk through the house without tripping on toys. My house is just a stressful place to be in right now and no one is happy.

I just don't have the energy right now to keep the house running as smoothly as it did before (which was not perfect by any means, but at least it was tolerable). Now everything is so out of control I don't even know where to start. I know that my pregnancy induced inability to cope is temporary--or at least I hope it is--but I would love to hear any tips you have on streamlining/organizing household chores or making the house at least feel more relaxing and homey without too much effort. How do you keep with everything when you're out of the house 30+ hours per week? do you do housework every day? what are the things that you absolutely must have done to feel in control?

[nina_yyc]

I invite company for dinner so DH will guilt himself into dusting .

I have a very small home with minimal clutter. I always do dishes, sweep, wipe counters and pack lunches, even if it means pushing DD's bedtime. If laundry doesn't get done during the week I do it weekends. Everything else is negotiable.

You need to call your DH on his behavior. He has no right to whine about the state of the home if he is not offering workable solutions.

[Masel]

My DH will do that some times. I called him on it and he said "it's like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic isn't it." Now I just have to say "deck chairs!" and he gets it (usually).

I'll admit in early pregnancy, with a 3 year old and DH out of town I paid for some help.

Many of DD's toys have been banished to the basement. If she won't help clean it up, its out of here.

Finally, what I've heard for survival mode is that you should concentrate on the areas that mean the most to the health of your home. That means concentrating on the two places you spend the most time, your bedroom and the kitchen. Lots of us neglect our bedroom and a mess there can disrupt sleep.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I invite company for dinner so DH will guilt himself into dusting .

I have a very small home with minimal clutter. I always do dishes, sweep, wipe counters and pack lunches, even if it means pushing DD's bedtime. If laundry doesn't get done during the week I do it weekends. Everything else is negotiable.

You need to call your DH on his behavior. He has no right to whine about the state of the home if he is not offering workable solutions.

I agree with the last entirely. Really the solution is probably more help. I think the first thing to ease up on yourself.

That said here are my (few) housework tips (besides decluttering, which helps the most):

Wipe the sink and swish the toilet every morning in the bathroom. It just feels better.

Do the kitchen dishes and countertops every night as a team. My son has been loading dishes in the dishwasher, with direction, since he was 2.5. If your DH then wants to wipe the counter doors, hey, he can go to town.

Tidy up before bed every night if possible to keep up on it before it gets overwhelming. How I do that is: I have temporary storage in every room (a basket) and then sort out one basket a day. So like every night I go through the rooms and put what lives in that room in the "right" spot and dump anything that needs to be moved in the "collection basket." (My son knows to look in the baskets for anything out of place too, which is a plus.) Then I clear one collection basket a day (ish) to all the proper spots. One basket isn't that overwhelming, and moving everything into a basket means not tripping.

A really simple easy to use steam mop (ours is the Shark but not sure it matters) with the heads you can throw in the laundry has made a huge different to my stress levels around the floors. I use a stick vac or the broom to clear the free-floating dirt and then the steam mop to clean the floor. It's not perfect but it's easy and no chemicals and both are light and easy to use.

For meals I suggest simplifying your definition of a meal. A vegetable soup even from a can + grilled cheese on whole wheat + carrot and zucchini slices dipped in a bit of salad dressing is a reasonably wholesome meal, as an example. Better than takeout but not a huge effort. You can also use convenience stuff like the precut and washed veggie trays (good for nibbling and then good for stir fry the next day).

[freestylemama]

It's DH's job too. If we're working the same hours, then we have 50/50 household responsibilities. Since I now work part time, I do a little more when I'm home and he's gone. This certainly doesn't mean that he sits around while I bust my butt though. If we're both home and work needs to be done, then we do it together.

[Rowansmama]

Have you ever checked out Flylady.com? Some of the stuff is pretty cheezy, but she's great about getting you on a good routine. She emails you daily tasks, etc. I found it was a great way to get into a routine, which I still use. Having a daily routine (ie: dusting MOnday, Bathrooms, Tuesday) makes life run much smoother!

[rivkah]

First of all--SYMPATHY. It is hard to work full-time and be pregnant, let alone with a 3-year-old.

If you can afford it at all, hire help. We were trying to save money and get by without help, and I was so unhappy, It is impossible to do three jobs fully: parent, paid work, and housekeeper. Whatever you can afford, get it. We can afford someone for four hours per week. That doesn't get the job done, but it sure helps. She does the bathrooms and wood floors and vacuums in that amount of time.

DH has to really help. Just explain to him. Sometimes men just need things spelled out. MY DH has done the same thing with laundry. My dad did the same thing also. As if putting clothes in a washer and turning a knob is the hard part! I used to get mad. I finally just talked to DH about it. I do the laundry now, and DH does grocery shopping and cooking. It can be hard, because it makes you feel like a nag, but I would really talk to DH honestly. He should be doing 50% of housework, and complaining just doesn't help!

[kltroy]

Oh our solution is to have a messy house. Not my first choice, but DH and I work full time, and I'd rather spend evenings and mornings playing with my kids than cleaning. I try and do some tidying and cleaning after they're asleep (though I frequently take work home with me for evenings, and leave early to spend more time w/ my family), and sometimes on the weekend one of us will take the kids out to the park while the other stays home and does some "deep cleaning". But really, our place is on the verge of collapse at any given time. What can you do?

For me, the state of the kitchen is key. As long as the dishes are in the dishwasher or put away, and when I wake up in the morning I can make breakfast for everyone without doing a bunch of cleaning and tidying, I am ok.

[Elecampane]

Originally Posted by kltroy

For me, the state of the kitchen is key. As long as the dishes are in the dishwasher or put away, and when I wake up in the morning I can make breakfast for everyone without doing a bunch of cleaning and tidying, I am ok.

I totally agree with this--and what's most distressing is that in the last week, for the first time in YEARS, I have gone to bed with the kitchen still full of dirty dinner dishes. Yikes!

Originally Posted by Rowansmama

Have you ever checked out Flylady.com? Some of the stuff is pretty cheezy, but she's great about getting you on a good routine. She emails you daily tasks, etc. I found it was a great way to get into a routine, which I still use. Having a daily routine (ie: dusting MOnday, Bathrooms, Tuesday) makes life run much smoother!

Yes...I've been a member of Flylady for oh, I don't know, 7 or 8 years...and every week I'm like THIS WEEK I'm going to start! I still have a hard time letting go of the perfectionist, all-or-nothing mindset. I do find the daily mission emails inspirational, though.

Originally Posted by Masel

My DH will do that some times. I called him on it and he said "it's like rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic isn't it." Now I just have to say "deck chairs!" and he gets it (usually).

Love this expression! I will be stealing it!

Thanks all for the wonderful support and suggestions. I am on my own for the next week and half while DH travels for business so I'm afraid this is going to get even worse. I need to get help, for sure. I think I will just have to bite the bullet and hire someone to come in every couple of weeks. I used to have someone and I let them go because I was so uncomfortable with the idea of employing someone to clean my dirt...but I think I'm over that now. Thanks again!

[Indigo73]

Originally Posted by freestylemama

It's DH's job too. If we're working the same hours, then we have 50/50 household responsibilities. Since I now work part time, I do a little more when I'm home and he's gone. This certainly doesn't mean that he sits around while I bust my butt though. If we're both home and work needs to be done, then we do it together.

We split things about 50/50. I don't do laundry and he doesn't do dishes but just about everything else, including grocery shopping & the weekly meal plan is done together.

If he whines about this or that, I point to the broom, dust rag or whatever and tell him to go to it.

[Bethla]

It has to be a team effort...or nothing gets done. I say this although it rarely happens in my house. I'm 15 weeks pregnant and I thought I was finally over the tired/sick phase and actually cleaned up quite a bit the other day. Then yesterday it hit me like a ton of bricks...weakness, headache and nausea. Hang in there

[annekevdbroek]

Hire someone. Have you had a house cleaner before? I was initially resistant to the idea, but now I have someone come in weekly. Frankly, I like a clean house but I don' t like to clean. This way I do a pick-up daily or as I can manage. The maids (two women come) CLEAN. Ask neighbors for recommedations. I personally prefer to hire an individual rather than a maid service like Merry Maids.

You can ask them to focus on specific things - like folding all the laundry or whatever you want done. A lady that cleaned for us in another town also worked for a friend and she had them put all the laundry away for her. A house cleaner can accomplish in a 1/2 day what is truly impossible for a regular WOH adult/parent/partners to accomplish and also it is all done at one time.

[Teenytoona]

Yeap, it's a team effort, and that DH needs to be called on it. For sure. Dude, I'm overwhelmed with our schedule, and I'm not even pregnant. Heh. So, DH needs to chip in on the dailies (and leave cabinet scrubbing for a good three day weekend). And perhaps a lower standard isn't so bad. We've been getting takeout alot too, lately. Sometimes it happens. Of course, I can't even remember the last time we scrubbed the bathroom, so perhaps mine is an extreme case...

[Quinalla]

You definitely need more help! Glad you are looking into hiring someone and I would also ask DH to do a few specific things a day/week too.

For tips, I try to set aside 10-15 minutes a day (morning is best for me, but whenever you can squeeze it in) and do something and I try to make sure to do at least one thing that really makes things look better for minimal effort. Keeping the sink free of dishes is a huge one for me, so I always make sure to do that if it hasn't been done yet. I also try to clean when doing other things or clean as I go when possible. If I am waiting 20 seconds for the washer to fill up and mix up the powdered detergent some, I grab the broom and sweep up stray cat litter that is nearby there. When I am cooking, I will be washing dishes, taking out the trash, wiping counters, etc. in between needing to stir things. I throw away trash immediately, instead of setting it down somewhere first, go through mail when I bring it in and toss the junk and put the bills in the bill pile. I make it a personal contest to see how efficient I can be

[That Is Nice]

Sigh

First off,

I can relate.

My advice is don't try to do it all.

I've been trying for a few years now to get everything done, and it's a never ending list.

I used to feel stress and despair, and still do a lot of the time, about how efficient I used to be and how I used to be able to handle a career well AND run a household (clean house, laundry done, nicely decorated, everything cute and warm and inviting, bills paid on time).

I used to wonder why I couldn't still be on top of my game, and then lately I've been realizing, oh, yeah, I didn't used to have to get another person bathed, dressed, fed, and off to their day pre-motherhood. I have a lot of my time now devoted to mothering that I used to be able to do things around the house and in my job.

I'm done comparing myself to other mothers/parents who have more help. My DH is usually more work to involve and have help than is worth it. My inlaws just aren't going to be much help more than once or twice a year and maybe in an emergency. Friends are busy with their own lives. Hired help costs money I don't have, and that even if I did, would be better spent or saved for my child.

So I just give up on housework. I do enough to get by and after work, kid, and a few other things I'm exhausted and fall asleep. It's all I can do for now.

Maybe if I didn't have to work and mother, but I do, so that's that.

I guess my advice is to ask does this really matter? Will it matter in a year? 5 years? Do what you can, and forget about the rest.