Fear, how to block it out?

[Hesperia]

Warning, total vent ahead.

I'm hyper sensitive lately. We are trying to become pregnant with our first, and I'm feeling pretty sensitive about everything and balled up. I'm not sure really why, but thought the UC threads would be a good place to talk it out.

Fear eats me alive. It finds a way in, and just tunnels. I'm a birth doula, so I find myself trying to help other women create their safe place, but here I am eating their fear/tension.

I've been tossing around the idea of prenatal care or not, and that was eating me alive for weeks, it is all I could think about. My heart was set on UP, my mind had other ideas. Following my heart at this point.

I cannot open a forum discussing prenatal care, because I just cycle through the pros/cons for what feels like forever, causing stress.

Pin-pointing the fear usually helps, and it is usual outside judgements I am worried about. Crazy. I don't care...but I do so much.

Has anyone used hypnobirthing to help with pre-conseption/early pregnancy fears?

I trust my body, I trust that we will become pregnant easily, and I will birth a beautiful healthy baby. I just need to focus on turning off that fear switch.

Normally I am very calm and excited, but when the fear hits, it is just a ball in my throat 'til I work through it. I feel like I don't have the energy to work through this fear everytime I read something...you know?

On a side note, anyone selling their hypobirthing CD's?

[ursusarctos]

I don't have any answers for you Hesperia but I am in a similar place.

[Astraia]

First: recognize that some level of fear is normal. Fear is what makes us be cautious, to consider our choices, to follow our gut instincts, to research and learn and study. It's valuable, and you don't need fear to be GONE just not choking you

Next, maybe consider doing something cathartic with your fears. I assume that a lot of your fears (like mine are/were) are sort of silly or are things you already know the answers to. Maybe journal them out, write them on a piece of paper and burn them for... symbolism.. or whyever people do that sort of thing. When you find the fear coming on, practice deep breathing and positive self-talk to help turn the fear back on itself. Find someone to talk it out with. Sometimes fear builds up on fear, and before you know it you're terrified of things that aren't in the least way scary so nipping it before it gets all encompassing is important.

Recognize that it's not all or nothing. If you decide UP, it doesn't mean you MUST do it all on your own- you can still go see someone infrequently, go for an U/S, see an OB or MW if something is concerning you. Same with the birth- you can always decide to transfer if you need to, maybe you know a MW or someone with birth training that you can call during the labour if your unsure.

You could not read things for awhile until your fear settles and you have time to work through things on an emotional level first. You said the fear balls up whenever you read something- so try not to. I'm sure it's hard, given your profession, but distance might do you a lot of good!

With other people's opinions- you don't HAVE to tell them you had a UC or that you planned it to be that way. You could just say you had a homebirth. You can have an "oops" baby. This kept me up at night for WEEKS as I was considering UC, and I finally decided on some version of the truth- the time came to go to the hospital, and I couldn't make myself go.

I'm also not UPing, but I'm spreading out my prenatal appointments. I'm hoping to only go a handful of times, and do the remaining care myself.


If this is something you want, then you may find the answers become clearer the more you allow yourself to accept your fear, realize some fear is OK, and move through it. It also may be easier once you're pregnant and have a connection to your baby to help guide you. I NEVER for a second considered UC, and decided if I couldn't have a midwife I'd just use a hospital. Then I got pregnant, I couldn't get a midwife, and suddenly UC was there like a beacon in the darkness.

Good luck, I hope you can come to a point where things become clearer for you!

[Serenyd]

Having a plan. For me, knowing what problems I might encounter and how to best deal with them helps to keep me calm. Fear of the unknown is much worse to me. Maybe for some people reading up on every possible complication might make them MORE nervous and less able to control their fears, but it helps to keep in mind that most of these complications are very rare and unlikely to occur.

[Hesperia]

Originally Posted by Astraia

First: recognize that some level of fear is normal. Fear is what makes us be cautious, to consider our choices, to follow our gut instincts, to research and learn and study. It's valuable, and you don't need fear to be GONE just not choking you

Perfect! Thank you so so much for this. Fear is useful and safe. I am using this fear to question myself and learn more about me. Thank you thank you thank you!!

Next, maybe consider doing something cathartic with your fears. I assume that a lot of your fears (like mine are/were) are sort of silly or are things you already know the answers to. Maybe journal them out, write them on a piece of paper and burn them for... symbolism.. or whyever people do that sort of thing. When you find the fear coming on, practice deep breathing and positive self-talk to help turn the fear back on itself. Find someone to talk it out with. Sometimes fear builds up on fear, and before you know it you're terrified of things that aren't in the least way scary so nipping it before it gets all encompassing is important.

Great idea! I find just venting here on MDC helps so much, I feel safe here to allow my feelings to surface and flow past.

Recognize that it's not all or nothing. If you decide UP, it doesn't mean you MUST do it all on your own- you can still go see someone infrequently, go for an U/S, see an OB or MW if something is concerning you. Same with the birth- you can always decide to transfer if you need to, maybe you know a MW or someone with birth training that you can call during the labour if your unsure.

This was a major part of my fear, I want to UP & UC all alone, but was stressed over other people asking my midwive etc, when I don't want one. I am very much against seeing a midwife, for I know myself, and it will tune me out and cause more stress.
I do have a midwive that would support me (out of pocket, since she isn't registered) through a UC if I needed it, or help postpartum.

You could not read things for awhile until your fear settles and you have time to work through things on an emotional level first. You said the fear balls up whenever you read something- so try not to. I'm sure it's hard, given your profession, but distance might do you a lot of good!

I'm getting good at scanning threads I have a constant need to learn and read, but distance is really good.

With other people's opinions- you don't HAVE to tell them you had a UC or that you planned it to be that way. You could just say you had a homebirth. You can have an "oops" baby. This kept me up at night for WEEKS as I was considering UC, and I finally decided on some version of the truth- the time came to go to the hospital, and I couldn't make myself go.

Thank you! This is what we are planning, I don't mind lying about the birth per say, but the prenatal is what is/was bothering me. Again, it isn't a fear of mine but others fears...

I'm also not UPing, but I'm spreading out my prenatal appointments. I'm hoping to only go a handful of times, and do the remaining care myself.

That is a great idea, this is what i'd want if prenatal care became important to me for whatever reason.

If this is something you want, then you may find the answers become clearer the more you allow yourself to accept your fear, realize some fear is OK, and move through it. It also may be easier once you're pregnant and have a connection to your baby to help guide you. I NEVER for a second considered UC, and decided if I couldn't have a midwife I'd just use a hospital. Then I got pregnant, I couldn't get a midwife, and suddenly UC was there like a beacon in the darkness.

I agree it might be easier when pregnant. Like the light will go off, and I will be able to listen to my heart and baby.

Good luck, I hope you can come to a point where things become clearer for you!

Thank you so much for this, you really helped me re-focus this more powerful of my emotions.

Also, I had a really rough day yesterday emotionally and cried a lot. I wasn't able to hold myself together, so this thread is probably a little extra emotional from yesterday. Hopefully it was pregnancy hormones though

[Astraia]

Honestly, 'what other people will say' is why I'm still going to my dr at all.

I don't like him, I don't believe I need him, and the fact that I'm so irritated by his existence is why I'm trying to space out my appointments.

Although you'd be surprised by how much people don't ask, "what does your doctor say?" No one IRL (except DH) knows that I'm only planning on seeing my dr 6 times total, so they assume I'm doing regular monthly appointments. They assume I'm doing all the standard testing, which I'm not.

So when people ask, "how are you doing? How was your doctor appointment?" (even if I haven't been to one in a month) I say, "great! (true, I am great) baby is doing really well (also true, he's a jumping bean)." No one ever asks "what's your BP, how was your urine test, did your dr talk to you about such and such?" and even if they did I would either tell them to A. mind their own business or B. claim baby brain and say I forget.

I also think it really helps to have the "right" information. No one will ask- but what does YOUR doctor say. They assume that your fountain of information must come from a healthcare provider (I keep using doctor- I hope you understand I can mean this to be midwife as well!)


Q: "oh- when does your dr switch to bimonthly appointments?"
A: "most dr's start that around 34 weeks"

Q: "are you dilating at all yet?"
A: "actually, a lot of doctors realize now that pre-labour cervical checks do no good and actually introduce harmful bacteria!"

Q: "you're looking awfully big, how do you know it's not twins?"
A: "are you calling me fat?"

[Kidzaplenty]

Originally Posted by Astraia

Q: "you're looking awfully big, how do you know it's not twins?"
A: "are you calling me fat?"

That sounds like something I would say!

[Hesperia]

Originally Posted by Astraia

Honestly, 'what other people will say' is why I'm still going to my dr at all.

I don't like him, I don't believe I need him, and the fact that I'm so irritated by his existence is why I'm trying to space out my appointments.

Although you'd be surprised by how much people don't ask, "what does your doctor say?" No one IRL (except DH) knows that I'm only planning on seeing my dr 6 times total, so they assume I'm doing regular monthly appointments. They assume I'm doing all the standard testing, which I'm not.

So when people ask, "how are you doing? How was your doctor appointment?" (even if I haven't been to one in a month) I say, "great! (true, I am great) baby is doing really well (also true, he's a jumping bean)." No one ever asks "what's your BP, how was your urine test, did your dr talk to you about such and such?" and even if they did I would either tell them to A. mind their own business or B. claim baby brain and say I forget.

I also think it really helps to have the "right" information. No one will ask- but what does YOUR doctor say. They assume that your fountain of information must come from a healthcare provider (I keep using doctor- I hope you understand I can mean this to be midwife as well!)


Q: "oh- when does your dr switch to bimonthly appointments?"
A: "most dr's start that around 34 weeks"

Q: "are you dilating at all yet?"
A: "actually, a lot of doctors realize now that pre-labour cervical checks do no good and actually introduce harmful bacteria!"

Q: "you're looking awfully big, how do you know it's not twins?"
A: "are you calling me fat?"

SO GOOD!
Can I just have you on-call?

I'm feeling a lot better, and you are totally helping. I love the bending the trust but not lying. And, really, only my boss will ask me who my midwive is and I have a while to come up with a good responce.

I'm going to say "I'm interviewing midwives right now".
Then a few weeks later....no idea what to say. hahah I think I might just lie and say I am seeing someone at xyz midwifery clinic. I hate to lie, but she WILL ask.

I am so coming back to this thread when I need moral support if you aren't offering on-call, please save me I am freaking out over silly things support.

[Astraia]

Haha, thanks.
You can totally PM me any time. I'm definitely better in writing though, it gives me more time to work around my pregnancy-brain so I make sense!

And yeah, you may need to all-out lie to your boss. But if it's just one lie, and gives you the peace of mind and comfort that you need, then it's for the greater good. The problem is when you start stacking lies because it gets confusing!

[Hesperia]

Originally Posted by Astraia

Haha, thanks.
You can totally PM me any time. I'm definitely better in writing though, it gives me more time to work around my pregnancy-brain so I make sense!

And yeah, you may need to all-out lie to your boss. But if it's just one lie, and gives you the peace of mind and comfort that you need, then it's for the greater good. The problem is when you start stacking lies because it gets confusing!

Yeah, I hope it would be one easy lie, just say xyz midwives. If she asks about tests or similar I can say "I'm still reading up on that one", which would be true also, since I always am reading

Tiny bit of background, I've had to lie to her before when we were planning/thinking about moving across country. I put an ad online for nanny stuff in another city, her friend saw it, called me out. She was trying to feel around and ask prying questions to see if I was leaving them....which was really really uncomfortable, because we didnt even know if we were yet...I had to fib at this point, because I wasn't about to lose my job over thinking about moving. We did end up moving FYI, and when we moved back (ugh, don't ask) she re-hired me, so it obviously didn't damage the trust thing too badly.
Anyways, she asked maybe 2-3 times about my plans as a doula here etc etc, and then came out and told me she saw the ad. Facepalm.

Okay, so after typing that I realized...she was asking because she already knew! She doesn't know we are going to UC, so why would she pry!

MDC is so talk therapy. Amazing. I never put much thought into typing out my feelings until recently, and boy does it do me good.

She will not be invested in my pregnancy like she was in the idea of their nanny moving and having to find another caregiver. Surly she cares of the pregnancy, but not in the same way. It doesn't effect her the same way, so she wont be as curious. She hired me back knowing full well we were TTC and I'd be leaving again at some point.

thankyouthankyouthankyou for reading, and letting me chat it out with you

[Astraia]

Originally Posted by Hesperia

Yeah, I hope it would be one easy lie, just say xyz midwives. If she asks about tests or similar I can say "I'm still reading up on that one", which would be true also, since I always am reading

Tiny bit of background, I've had to lie to her before when we were planning/thinking about moving across country. I put an ad online for nanny stuff in another city, her friend saw it, called me out. She was trying to feel around and ask prying questions to see if I was leaving them....which was really really uncomfortable, because we didnt even know if we were yet...I had to fib at this point, because I wasn't about to lose my job over thinking about moving. We did end up moving FYI, and when we moved back (ugh, don't ask) she re-hired me, so it obviously didn't damage the trust thing too badly.
Anyways, she asked maybe 2-3 times about my plans as a doula here etc etc, and then came out and told me she saw the ad. Facepalm.

Okay, so after typing that I realized...she was asking because she already knew! She doesn't know we are going to UC, so why would she pry!

MDC is so talk therapy. Amazing. I never put much thought into typing out my feelings until recently, and boy does it do me good.

She will not be invested in my pregnancy like she was in the idea of their nanny moving and having to find another caregiver. Surly she cares of the pregnancy, but not in the same way. It doesn't effect her the same way, so she wont be as curious. She hired me back knowing full well we were TTC and I'd be leaving again at some point.

thankyouthankyouthankyou for reading, and letting me chat it out with you

Yep- I don't think your boss will get too nosy, and you definitely pointed out why, she's not invested in it!

I find the nosiest people are family, but even family can be easily waylaid by general answers that seem really informed.

I was actually visiting my MIL today and she was commenting on how tiny I was and saying, "your doctor isn't concerned by that? He says that your size now is normal?"

and I said, "Oh yeah, I'm eating properly, everything is great!" (I haven't seen him in 5 week, he has no idea what I look like now but I know the baby is fine and I AM eating well, so no big deal). And she was completely appeased with that information.

I'm quite positive I could not have a doctor at all and she'd be 100% fine with the answers I've been giving her so far.

You can totally do this! You're all set to go, and I hope your eggo gets preggo soon!

[Hesperia]

Originally Posted by Astraia

Yep- I don't think your boss will get too nosy, and you definitely pointed out why, she's not invested in it!

I find the nosiest people are family, but even family can be easily waylaid by general answers that seem really informed.

I was actually visiting my MIL today and she was commenting on how tiny I was and saying, "your doctor isn't concerned by that? He says that your size now is normal?"

and I said, "Oh yeah, I'm eating properly, everything is great!" (I haven't seen him in 5 week, he has no idea what I look like now but I know the baby is fine and I AM eating well, so no big deal). And she was completely appeased with that information.

I'm quite positive I could not have a doctor at all and she'd be 100% fine with the answers I've been giving her so far.

You can totally do this! You're all set to go, and I hope your eggo gets preggo soon!

Ah! You rock!