disciplining other peoples children

[queen b]

i often look after a friends kids who are 3.5 and 6. i know that they are good kids, but they have a general lack of respect for others. the 6 year old is constantly hitting his sister and my dd who is also 3.5. in addition, he repeatedly calls the girls stupid or refers to other things or people as "stupid" or "idiot". i like these kids for the most part, but am not sure how to handle this negativity. i also have a 2.5 month old who is going to look up to the big kids pretty soon. i don't want his first word to be "stupid". dd doesn't really know these words yet or what they mean and i would like to keep it that way. i also don't want my children to start hitting to get their way. i have tried talking to the 6 year old and explaining to him that he is a role model for the wee ones and he doesn't care. lately i have been doing time outs because i am at a loss and also because i don't really want my children to be exposed to the negativity.

any thoughts?

ps- i don't think my friends really do any disciplining, which is probably why the kids are so unruly

[Cavy]

This is my problem with some parenting philosophies; there are times when REASONING with the little darlings just doesn't work.

How are you doing the Time Outs? Where do they sit, for how long, do you ignore them the whole time or try to keep reasoning with them (I think ignoring is preferable, but somewhere where they can watch the other playing happily while they do it). Watch out for whether the 3yo is deliberately annoying the 6yo to get 6yo in trouble; kids are wily like that.

Your house, your rules. I don't know what terms you look after these kids on, but that has to be one of them. The other parents should back you up (within reason, obviously).

Do the children like coming around to yours? That may be your ultimate bargaining tool. I presume that they aren't horrid to the baby, only to each other. Perhaps tell them that only one at a time can come around until they learn to play nicely together on your watch. If they're like most kids they will love coming around to yours and WILL behave if they realise that they have to be on their best behaviour.

[One_Girl]

My parents definitely used discipline/punishment and we still hit each other and the kids we played with. We also did a lot of name calling and swearing when our parents weren't around. I don't think you can decide kids aren't taught not to do things and don't get discipline just because they act out like this.

I would not watch a child that hits my dd, the second this happened I would call the mom and tell her to pick the child up immediately. For name calling I would model appropriate expression of feelings and remind kids that name calling hurts feelings. For very little kids calling each other names I would give them replacement words. I might say, "I'm so mad" everytime they call someone a name.

[Adasmommy]

In a similar situation, I say, "X, be nice while you're in my house" or something similar.

Obviously, if X ignored me and continued, it would be a problem, but usually it's a passing rudeness, it's already over, and I do think it's worthwhile to mention it, so both kids know what is and is not "acceptable behavior."

Also validating the kids when he does play nicely.

Oh, sometimes the kid I'm thinking of melts down, and I tell my dd to "come in here with me until X feels friendly again." Then we go do a puzzle or something until X comes around.

If it was more extreme, I might have to stop having him over, which would suck.