Help with manners, please!!

[Trac]

My DS (8) has the worst manners, and no amount of gentle reminders are helping. We haven't ever held a hard line on table manners...not that he hasn't received any guidance...we were just fairly relaxed about it. Things were ok...not ready for dinner with the queen or anything, but reasonable. However, the last year, he's decided to throw out the manners completely. For example, he eats with his hands...even things like rice; when he drinks, he slurps and gulps, and half of the liquid dribbles on to the table or the floor or himself; he refuses to use a napkin, preferring the collar of his shirt. Every meal turns into an ordeal for all of us. Please tell me some strategies!

I'm thinking about a few things that we haven't usually done that I know some others do:
1. He needs to stay at the table until we're all finished, rather than eating and bolting off to something else. Enforcing this might cause some disagreement.

2. We've done this before, but I have to admit, not consistently. He needs to clean up after himself...pick up rice (and whatever else) scattered on the floor, table, chair, and wipe up the table.

I think I'm going to have to start using dessert as a reward of sorts. I hate that, but I can't think of anything else that he cares about! We have told him that there will be no restaurants in his future until he gets it together.

HELP!

[LynnS6]

I wouldn't make him stay at the table until you're all finished, but I would make him stay for say 5-10 minutes to have a conversation and help him slow down. (Set the timer.) Then when he's done, come up with a polite family phrase to excuse himself. In our house it's, "excuse me, I'm finished."

I would DEFINITELY ask him to clean up his spot (table, chair and floor). That should happen before he gets to play or watch TV or whatever he does after dinner.

Our kids get dessert after they've cleared their place. Ds also needs to help clear the whole table (he's 8). So, it's not 'withholding' dessert, it's just an order to things. Dessert is served after everyone has finished the main meal, and after the main meal has been cleared from the table.

[JL83]

I don't think that there's anything wrong with making a kid that age stay at the table while other people eat. I wouldn't do this for a toddler, but he's old enough to visit. It was one of the few things my parents did right with us, IMO. It helped us stay connected as a family and has continued even when we grew up and moved out of the house.

What about sending him to wash his hands every time he touches his food with his hands? Or each time you see food on the table ask him to get a cloth from the kitchen and clean it up before he continues eating.

[GuildJenn]

I bet there's a playful and fun way to take this on. We plan on 'fancy meals' to practice etiquette about once a month; maybe you could have "conversation meals" where he stays at the table once or twice a week (to start) or something.

Cleanup should definitely be shared.

I also think that depending on your child, you could talk to him about how he's growing into a young man and that you have high expectations for what that means and that you think he's old enough to start working on it.

That said, my nephews' manners both improved dramatically around when they turned ten; it was almost like a switch going on. I think it is important you feel happy with how your meals are going, but I also think maturity may address some of these things in time, if that helps.