Not thrilled with our new nanny ... what to do?

[LittleGriff]

(I assume she's not a MDC user!)

I feel really bad about this but I'm not delighted with our new nanny ... at all. I think she's a good person and means well (I certainly am not scared to leave the kids with her) but it's definitely not wowing me. We were in a pinch and asked her to do a "trial period" knowing that it would be awfully hard to untrial her. And while I think I can live with it, I'm disappointed.

Hubby and I are definitely on the cleaner/tidier side of the spectrum, but she just seems slobbier than hoped for. Kids are always covered in food when I come home, dishes/bottles always in the sink, toys laying about. We don't expect her to do any housework but we asked her to not leave it messier than when she came. Yes, we could (and will) ask her to be a little neater but it just seems like an obvious task, especially when you're not expected to do any chores. I am too tired to come home and clean up after a day of kids and swab the kids down.

But I think I could overlook that and some other performance issues if I just enjoyed being around her more which I am realizing I don't. I think she really does like kids and she is seems generally warm and loving towards mine (which is the important thing!) (although sometimes she seems put out too ... ) but I don't enjoy interacting with her at all (which makes talking about cleaning, etc. all the more painful).

We are not excited to go through the childcare search again. I feel horribly guilty about letting her go - I know she needs the money (don't we all!) and does not have many other employable skills. As I said, I think the kids will be ok. Maybe she's just getting adjusted to two little ones. (She was a stay at home mom of one for 18 years.) When I get home I feel so irked by all the little things that bug me about the situation and as the evening wears on I talk myself back into the relationship.

Anyhow, was just curious if anyone else had gone through something like this?

I want to like this woman and make it work but people only can change so much.

[mamasaurus]

Originally Posted by LittleGriff

Anyhow, was just curious if anyone else had gone through something like this?

I want to like this woman and make it work but people only can change so much.

Yes, I have been through this, and Yes, people can only change so much.

Just let her go and move on. Don't give it a second thought.

[mamabutterfly]

nak... but just wanted to say that does sound like it's not going to work. The issues with what clean-up fall under her responsibilities could be worked through (maybe she doesn't know you would like her to do that), BUT not feeling like you can comfortably talk to her is a pretty big problem. And if you think time will make that worse, not better, you will grow pretty miserable. It would probably be kind to first TRY putting down in writing some hopes you have (like dishes done or children washed up) and asking her about them. My babysitter doesn't clean up from their meals or their playtime, not really. But I know dd is having fun while I'm at work, and I'm okay with that. I know my toddler is a ton of work at this age!
However, if she was here during nap time, rather than only mornings, while I am home for naps, then I *would* ask her to clean up while baby slept.

The hard thing is how to do it, I'm sure. It might be helpful to offer her feedback, but you'll have to think ahead what you would want to say.
I recently had to choose between to cargivers, and fortunately I had a specific financial reason, so that was easy to explain, but still I felt really bad! Both were nice people.

I find it really hard to be in the role of "employer" like this. Was your "trial period" a certain amount of time? Will she be expecting you to review things together?

[Purple*Lotus]

How long has she been with you? Maybe it takes her longer to warm up to adults? I know for me I am comfortable with kids, but not so much with their parents, until a certain amount of time when I get more comfortable.

The cleanlieness thing is an issue though because she shouldn't leave messes in your house and the kids need to be wiped off after eating, etc.

[akayerich]

Ugh...I feel your pain. I'm going through something like this right now too. I actually posted not too long ago about how I'm just not sure if I think the new babysitter's doing a good job or not. Since then, things have only gotten worse, so we decided to start looking for another sitter/nanny. I think we've found one now. And I just can't stop feeling guilty about having to let the first one go. Just like you said about your nanny, she's a nice lady and I know she needs the money. But, really, you just have to do whats best for your family. And maybe the nanny you let go will find a better match somewhere else.

[monkey-lamb]

We are on our second nanny, and I love her. With the first nanny, I had similar issues to yours. I was never wowed. I wasn't afraid that my DD's safety was at risk, but I wasn't thrilled. I overlooked things at first, but I kept an eye out for any interesting posts on craigslist (which is where I found her). I saw a really great post and called the girl for an interview. I loved her immediately!

I was so sad and felt guilty letting the first nanny go. I didn't absolutely hate her or anything. We were planning to let her go when we got off work one day. That day I got to work and realized I had left my pump horns at home and showed up at my house unexpectedly. My then 4 month DD was lying on her playmat wearing a wet diaper. The nanny was on myspace and had the TV on, both of which I asked her not to do when DD was awake. That sealed the deal for me.

I still cried when we let her go that night. Then the new nanny started. That nagging, not-quite-right feeling I had with nanny #1 was not present at all with nanny #2. My current nanny has become a close friend to me. She is definitely a second mother to my DD. I love being around her. I know exactly what you are saying about your feelings about your nanny. From experience, I can tell you that you should just pull the trigger and find someone else that is a better fit. You might feel bad at first, but you will be so much happier in the long run.

[ians_mommy]

You are an employer and your employee is not meeting your expectations. Let her go- period. Women always want to feel responsible for other people's lives/feelings/needs and that is NOT your responsibility. Do you think your boss would shed a tear over firing you if you were not doing the job they expected of you? No.

Your family and your needs are your only responsibility in this situation.

[demottm]

If you want her to do housework tell her that. If you told her that you don't expect her to clean up then she wont. At least give her a chance to do the job you ask. It is not right to tell her one thing and expect another. Let her know exactly what you require for her to keep her job: wash the bottles, pick up toys,wipe down kids etc..

[HappyMommy2]

Trust your mama instincts. Let her go.

[everything to one]

From the perspective of a SAH mom, most days i have a mess to clean up at the end of a long stressful day after my toddler has gone to bed (when i would much rather relax and not have to deal with it). Often i have dishes in the sink or food to wipe off the high chair, toys to pick up. I am actually quite particular about cleanliness, but when it comes to choosing between cleaning while my daughter cries for my attention, or letting it go, i try to let it go. I wish you could know for sure whether your nanny is leaving messes because she's giving your kids all the attention or if she's really just lazy and watching TV all day (or whatever). I guess all you can only trust your instincts. I dont think its crazy to fire a nanny for a gut feeling, or no reason at all. That is your right (and responsibility!) when it comes to your kids!

[LittleGriff]

Thank you so much for the replies. I just thought I would give an update ... we kept the nanny! She took some of the cleanliness feedback well (bottles are kept clean and kids are cleaner than before) and we've decided to let the rest go. Part of it was a matter of getting everyone getting comfortable with one another and the other part was adjusting our expectations. (While two little ones is a lot of work, her size and low level of fitness makes it a little more work for her.) Even though it's not the childcare situation of our dreams, we can live with it. I think she has a really good heart and she's a lot better with kids than with adults (hence the awkwardness with me at first). The kids seem pretty happy and that's definitely important. Talking to other families, it strikes me that it's hard to find a situation in which there are absolutely no compromises and I decided I'd rather live with ours then try to find someone new with a whole other set of unknown drawbacks. And she's starting to grow on me.

Just thought I'd share in case anyone reading was going through something similar.

[RockStarMom]

Glad it's working out! To me, the issues seem minor. As you said, there are always drawbacks, and as long as the children are happy and well cared for, I would be happy.

[GoBecGo]

I'm glad it's all working out now. Your OP made me smile - i once babysat regularly for a family whose mother said "we don't mind a bit of mess, you don't need to tidy" and then took me into their showhome-type living space and said "excuse the mess" as she CLOSED A MAGAZINE! I spent about 70% of my time with her kids cleaning them and their messes in paranoid craziness! LOL.

[LittleGriff]

Laugh. Well, hopefully we're not that bad! (well, actually we're no where close

[Satori]

Originally Posted by demottm

If you want her to do housework tell her that. If you told her that you don't expect her to clean up then she wont. At least give her a chance to do the job you ask. It is not right to tell her one thing and expect another. Let her know exactly what you require for her to keep her job: wash the bottles, pick up toys,wipe down kids etc..

I agree, have you spelled it out, in writing what her job responsibilities are in detail? If you haven't I would be pretty upset if I was let go when my employer never spelled it out point blank what was expected of me.