How to tell family we're doing homebirth...

[Lirazel]

(If you'd rather not read my whole long background explanation here, skip down to the point below.)

I think my DH and I have decided to do a homebirth for sure. I haven't even mentioned that we've been thinking about it to my family since I wanted to wait till we knew for sure what we're doing.

Up to this point I have been going to a hospital-based midwife group. When I first got pg and told my mom I was using midwives rather than an OB she was slightly concerned. She's been accepting of it after I explained some things to her, but it did make her a bit uncomfortable. She used to be a RN and used an OB herself, so she's more from the world of medicalized birth even though she did deliver naturally.

Now I'm worried to tell her about our homebirth plans. I'm so excited about this decision and I know it's the right one for me, but I feel like if I share that excitement with her she's going to act like I haven't thought this through and I'm just getting caught up in a new fad that isn't safe for her grandbaby. But I don't want to sit everyone down and seriously inform them that we have made a decision... a decision you may not like... a decison to do... a homebirth. I feel like preparing for a fight will be like asking for a fight. I can go into it prepared with facts and my mom knows that I'm stubborn once I've made up my mind and I know she'll most likely just deal with it in the end, but I want the in between part to be as pleasant as possible.

So getting to the point... How have any of you handled telling resistant family members about your homebirth decision?

[xmasbaby7]

I think you will have a tough road ahead no matter what you do or say, so don't put pressure on yourself to think there is a right thing you can do here. There will likely be a few yucky conversations.

The good news is that learning to care less what your mom thinks about your choices and to put that wall up for appropriate boundaries is a great exercise in your becoming a mom yourself. This conflict can become a beautiful, important lesson.

No better time to really believe and remind her that this is your life and your baby.

Go mamma tiger!

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by xmasbaby7

I think you will have a tough road ahead no matter what you do or say, so don't put pressure on yourself to think there is a right thing you can do here. There will likely be a few yucky conversations.

This was said perfectly. I knew ahead of time that there were 2 people, brother and sil, who would not "approve" at all but having those conversations were still devastating and put me into a bit of a depression...for awhile. Now it's more of a "don't ask, don't tell" situation and we're back to normal in the relationship.

My parents, who weren't against it per se, still had lots of question but are accepting. I think they realize that we just didn't decide to do this for warm fuzzies and we'd done our research.

I would not do the "big sit down".

IF your "people" are willing, I'd have the major homebirth studies available for them to read, have them watch The Business of Being Born, or read Pushed or something.

The info's out there if people want it...

I know it feels impossible and many may tell you not to tell them but I knew that wasn't what I wanted to do. I feel proud of my choice even though I knew they wouldn't understand.

I never got into too big of an arguement, but I was always ready to ask any nay-sayer how much they knew or studied homebirth...the answer is usually none!

[emnic77]

Honestly, and I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I'm considering it to be none of anyone's business except for those that reside in my house. I'm going to tell my mother, as she is very pro-homebirth, and my dad and my sisters, but my in-laws? No way. They live 18 hours away, they have no need to know how I plan to birth. Not their business. They can find out after the fact.

[ACsMom]

Originally Posted by xmasbaby7

The good news is that learning to care less what your mom thinks about your choices and to put that wall up for appropriate boundaries is a great exercise in your becoming a mom yourself. This conflict can become a beautiful, important lesson.

No better time to really believe and remind her that this is your life and your baby.

Go mamma tiger!

I couldn't agree more. My husband and I have decided we're not telling any family members until closer to my due date, and even then we'll only tell a select few, the rest can find out after the fact. And it's not really because we feel that we'll get flack for it, but I don't want them to worry. We figure if we wait to tell them, they'll have less time to generate worries in their minds about it, but they'll have enough time that they can ask us questions and we can try to take their worries off the table. We plan to take a tone with them that says, "We've done the prep and come to this decision together, and that part isn't up for discussion." So, that's the plan, anyway! For you, if your mom has already expressed "concern" that you're seeing a midwife, let alone a home birth midwife, I would hang back a bit (if you have time...when are you due?) and give yourself time to think about how you'll present this to her and how you will respond to her reaction. If you come across as the adult, educated person that you are about this, she'll feel less comfortable second-guessing your decision. And of course, keep in mind that she's coming from a position of concern for her little girl, so of course she's going to be uncomfortable with something that goes against the way she was taught as an OB. She's obviously a smart woman - maybe she'd be fascinated to learn that home birth's safety profile is as good or better than hospital birth. This could end up being a mind-expanding experience for her, who knows? Good luck to you...

[MamieCole]

We chose to not tell them. Makes everything much easier. I only want to be surrounded by supportive people. Not one of our family members would be supportive. It would be quite the opposite.

The way I see it, I'm not choosing a hospital birth because I don't want to have to fight during the birth. Why would I want to fight with family members before the birth and be surrounded by negativity, judgement and rude comments for months?

So if we get the homebirth we are planning, they'll get a phone call afterward and that's when they'll find out.

If we have to transfer for medical complications, they'll get a call afterward and need not ever know we were planning a homebirth to begin with.

Doesn't work for everyone, but that's what it takes for my mental and emotional well being for this pregnancy.

[Turquesa]

Originally Posted by Lirazel

But I don't want to sit everyone down and seriously inform them that we have made a decision... a decision you may not like... a decison to do... a homebirth. I feel like preparing for a fight will be like asking for a fight. I can go into it prepared with facts and my mom knows that I'm stubborn once I've made up my mind and I know she'll most likely just deal with it in the end, but I want the in between part to be as pleasant as possible.

You're under no obligation to make a formal announcement. And believe it or not, you're under no obligation to explain the reasons behind your decision (which from the way you describe your "audience" probably won't do you any good anyway). If you do decide to drop it into a conversation, be prepared to say with confidence, "I'm sorry you don't approve of our decision, but it is final and not up for discussion." Period.

If you don't say anything beforehand, you'll hopefully have an experience as easy as ours. We didn't call until after the birth and just had family come to our house. They bristled at the thought of home birth (with behind-our-backs gossip about how we were "lucky" that "nothing happened.") But that by far beats the hysterical phone calls and "interventions" (what are we, alcoholics? ) they would have made trying to talk us out of it. (This happened last time. Lesson learned. ) Besides, they got over it quickly and cared more about the present baby than the past birth.

[gardenmommy]

We didn't tell them until we were asked. At which point, it was a huge thing, because everyone on DH's side thought (still thinks) we were nuts, endangering our baby's health, yada, yada, yada. We've now had 3 wonderful HBs, and although they still disagree with us, they don't even mention it anymore. They know that we have researched our decisions, and they just leave it alone.

[francesmama]

Originally Posted by Turquesa

You're under no obligation to make a formal announcement. And believe it or not, you're under no obligation to explain the reasons behind your decision (which from the way you describe your "audience" probably won't do you any good anyway). If you do decide to drop it into a conversation, be prepared to say with confidence, "I'm sorry you don't approve of our decision, but it is final and not up for discussion." Period.

I agree with this 100%. You have decided this for yourself, they are not part of the decision making process on where you will birth your child. Given that, you don't owe them an explanation and they don't get a say. I think that a formal announcement would also invite conflict. I just avoided the topic until I was asked directly if I was giving birth at the same hospital where I had my first child and told my mom, "Nope, we'll be staying at home this time." It was easy. Gearing up for a formal announcement backed up with research would have been difficult and I would have felt defensive.

[ExuberantDaffodil]

I'm actually facing something similar. My mom is a nurse -- a pediatric trauma nurse, to be exact. She was extremely nervous when my husband and I chose to go to a birthing center instead of the hospital. I took her with me to a few prenatals, and she got to know the midwives. Thankfully, she became much more comfortable because I involved her. It is important to note that my mother and I are very close. However, I think telling her that the hubby and I have pretty much decided on a homebirth rather than the birthing center would be a bit too much for her. I still haven't decided whether to tell her before hand or after the fact...

[Sentimental.Geek]

My husband and I have decided to keep it to ourselves. Our little lovely "secret". I am planning a home birth because I know I will be so much more relaxed than in the hospital. I look back on my daughter's (induced, intervention-laden) birth with sadness and regret and I feel awful about it. Of course I'm thankful that I have a wonderful, bright, beautiful daughter but I think our relationship could have started off so much better. The thought of labouring/giving birth in the hospital now freaks me right out. I want to keep things as stress free as possible. I know that my parents and my in-laws would NOT be on board with the idea (my mom has said that a lot of women can just never give birth naturally, lots of women "can't" breastfeed, that breastfeeding can interfere with bonding!!!, and when MIL told me that one of her friends gave birth to both of her children at home, she added in a little horrified shudder), so I've chosen to keep it to myself. I don't need to surround myself with any negativity or have my choices second-guessed. I also don't want people to worry unnecessarily. If all goes well and I get the birth I'm planning for, the parents will get a phone call when the baby's born and we can tell them then! If it turns out I need to transfer for some reason, they'll be none the wiser.

[nummies]

I pretty much said in a confident voice "We are having a homebirth! We are so excited and have a really great midwife. Pass the peas." Of course, I have slowly been telling people this since the birth of my first child (born in a hospital).

They don't need an explanation. This is your baby and your birth.

[Peace+Hope]

i'm acting similarly to nummies, as though it's the most natural thing in the world, because it is to me, but still being open and not offended to/by the questions.

i'm perfectly happy to send people who have a LOT of questions articles to read

and for the record, no one else of my fam/friends has made this choice before or has any familiarity w/ it, but i do have the respect of the people in my life. they know me to be smart and well-read, and i expect them to approach me the same way they would on any other issue if they disagree. my goal is to welcome questions and opinions as i would on any other hot topic, enjoying spreading a different perspective and not caring about differing or judgmental opinions.

i don't feel fragile or that i need to be protected from disagreement or criticism just because i'm pregnant

[ShwarmaQueen]

I don't come right out and tell people. If it comes up in a conversation, then I'll tell them we're planning a HBAC, but otherwise, it's irrelevant for most pregnancy conversations. It's just not a battle I want to fight and I find by not bringing it up, it saves a lot of headache.

[Lirazel]

Update!

Not telling wasn't an option, so we told them this weekend. It went even better than I had hoped! I was shocked! We did make sure we had an opportunity for everyone to be together and ready to listen and shared our decision in an upbeat way, but explaining that we had put a lot of thought and research into it. They all looked at me nodding. My mom said "I'm actually surprised you didn't decide this earlier!" I guess my family knows me pretty well! Then we talked for a while about their questions - not questions of concern, just curiosity! It was great!

[boigrrrlwonder]

I'm glad things went well with telling your folks!

I planned a hospital birth with midwives for my first child and ended up accidentally giving birth unassisted in a car. When I told my father (I haven't told my mother yet) that I was planning a home birth, he hemmed and hawed, but he agreed that at least it was better than a car. I'm answering if asked, but I'm not making a huge announcement, either.

[Peace+Hope]

yay, so glad to hear it!

[smeep]

Congrats!!! Glad to hear they reacted well. That's pretty much how everyone reacted in my case that didn't know from before I was pregnant that it would be my choice. In all honesty, this "how do I tell them?" thing is greek to me. Now if I were to choose a hospital birth (so not gonna happen), THAT would be where I would need some help. My parents would definitely have some strong opinions on that, they'd think I'd gone nuts.

[Noelle C.]

You're lucky. My mom, also who used to be a nurse, used an OB, and had both her births naturally, is LIVID I'd even consider anything other than a hospital birth with a c-section! Granted I have a long and complex medical history, but still, a c-section isn't right for me and carries many risks.

I'm glad it went well for you though!