Toddler hits, pushes, throws things at people

[gcgirl]

A little advice, please? DS is 22 months old, and he's recently started hitting and pushing kids, which he never used to do before. He also throws things at people's faces; today he threw his almost full kleen kanteen at his playmate and hit her a good one in the forehead. From talking to to other moms, this sounds like a phase for his age, but I'm starting to worry that he's going to really hurt someone or the mom of his little playmate won't want to come over anymore, and I wouldn't blame her!

So far we've tried modeling alternatives, like gently placing something in our hands instead of throwing (though I don't know what to model as an alternative for hitting/pushing - I thought about hugging, but some kids don't appreciate that). We also tried being stern and explaining that that kind of behavior is not acceptable because it hurts other kids/people. Of course we've also removed toys/object that were thrown and not allowed them back, and recently I switched tactics to holding and hugging DH and explaining gently why hitting/pushing/throwing is not okay.

I can generally stay on top of this stuff when I'm supervising him, but today he was being watched by the mom of the little girl that comes over twice a week (we take turns watching the kids), and that's when he threw the heavy bottle and bruised her forehead. I'm starting to worry that I'm not doing enough about this problem, but I'm not really sure what to do, if anything.

Some words of wisdom or advice would be much appreciated.

[gcgirl]

Nobody else knows what to do either then, eh.

[Zenzero]

Hmmmm. 'fraid I don't have any advice coz my DS is only 17 months and has been doing this for a while too!

Must be some BTDT mamas out there with some advice!

[sapphire_chan]

And what would you like the other mom to do? We visited a mama who's little boy has just entered this stage and it was clear she was surprised by his new behavior.

Poor Lina got a bit bumped up. She bounced back okay, but I felt like I should've been able to do more to mitigate things.

[twinergy]

My DS (23 mo) has similar behavior, bites, pulls hair, throws things and shoves his twin sister. He has been doing this since he was 9 months old. Until recently we have avoided playgroups, but I found a neighbor who also has kids that play rough. I have been wanting to post a question on this same topic but just haven't gotten around to it yet.

What works best to stop the behavior is to avoid situations where it happens. I have removed objects that would cause damage if thrown so they have a lot of plush toys. We go on an outing every day, he is just happier and unlikely to hurt her when he is engrossed in exploring the outside world. In fact the rest of our day is easier. I've noticed he does this to get my attention if I am in the other room so when possible I let them follow me around the house. This also allows me to monitor him better to intervene before it happens. These exact examples might not work for your DS, it will probably take some trial and error to figure out what works for him. One suggestion I have is to put up the dangerous toys and get some soft toys that he only sees when there are other kids around. Toys that work well with my kids: plush balls, craft pom-poms in a large cardboard can (from protein powder) and lid with hole cut in the top, Megablocks (not plush, but he really likes them and they don't do much damage when thrown at somebody). We have a lot of other plush toys around, they just don't get used as much.

This is what I do discipline wise after it has happened. I get down on his level, look him in the eye, hold his wrists and tell him "pulling hair (or whatever he did) hurts. we don't pull hair." Then I pick up his sister and tell him that since he hurt his sister I need to separate them until he is ready to stop. I talk to her about what happened and am sure to include "next time he hurts you you tell him 'stop pulling my hair'." By separating them I mean that he stays in their gated playroom and I take her to the other room where he can still see us. It works better if I leave him where he is and remove her (take her to a special place). If I pick him up and move him this is a treat for him, he gets excited about the new situation and the message is lost. I have always been a little uncomfortable about separating them then leaving him alone because it feels a bit like a time out. But I think it is all about how you present it. I don't tell him this is a punishment, but rather a safety precaution. It's like the difference between "I'm going to help you hold still so I can change your diaper" and "I'm going to make you hold still..." There is just a completely different vibe/attitude given off; one of love not control. KWIM?

[keeptryst]

Here is a good article on how to deal with such behaviour:
http://www.dwd.com/articles/05_02.asp

DS, now 25 mos., has been doing this for the past 4-5 months or so. I just continue telling him "gentle touches" each time, and immediately have him touch the offended child gently in the place where he had hit, and I must say he has hugely improved and hardly does it anymore, only rarely.

I've also noticed that it's worse when DH and I have argued in front of him, or there's temporary tension in the house for whatever reason.

[twinergy]

Thank you so much for that article keeptryst. This is exactly what I was missing.

[gcgirl]

Yeah, I've basically done the gentle hands thing too, as per the article. And it's not a hidden aggression thing with DS; he just thinks it's fun and doesn't get the consequences. I DO intervene (actually, I keep an eye out and STOP the situation before it gets out of control) when *I'm* watching the kids, but I don't know what to have the other mom do when she's watching them. I guess I'll just tell her what I'm trying now.

My mom told me to put up ALL the toys next time and tell him we're going outside with the ball, because that's the one thing it's okay to throw. She said it'll be a rough few days, but it might work.

His little playmate is coming over tomorrow, and I've already put away all the toys/objects that could cause damage. Only soft stuff right now. We'll see how that goes. But it's my turn to watch the kids, so I'll be able to head off this stuff effectively anyway. The real test will be when the other mom takes over again.

[dandilion44]

No suggestions for you...just wanted to say that my DS does the same thing. He has done it since he was about 17 months old and he's 2.5 now. His language skills are good (speaks in sentences) but he seems to have little impulse control and acts aggressively when others are too close (usually when he thinks they will take his toys or when others have what he wants). I think I've tried everything (except spanking of course) but nothing seems to work. I'm just hoping he grows out of it?? Good luck to you - hope your playdate was a success.

[Brownie~]

Originally Posted by keeptryst

Here is a good article on how to deal with such behaviour:
http://www.dwd.com/articles/05_02.asp

DS, now 25 mos., has been doing this for the past 4-5 months or so. I just continue telling him "gentle touches" each time, and immediately have him touch the offended child gently in the place where he had hit, and I must say he has hugely improved and hardly does it anymore, only rarely.

I've also noticed that it's worse when DH and I have argued in front of him, or there's temporary tension in the house for whatever reason.

Do you still do the "gentle touch" thing if the other child is screaming or crying? I feel weird about invading the hurt child's space a second time if they are obviously upset by the rough hands.

[nelson]

Originally Posted by Brownie~

Do you still do the "gentle touch" thing if the other child is screaming or crying? I feel weird about invading the hurt child's space a second time if they are obviously upset by the rough hands.

I'm glad someone brought this up. DS has a "friend" who is very aggressive and always hitting, biting etc. I really don't like it when the mother of the offending child brings the child back over and makes him "touch gently" on my DS. I don't want that child in my DS's bubble again unless it it on my DS's own terms. Being forced to receive a hug or touch from a kid who just hit or bit you is kinda mean in my opinion and is not taking into account the feelings of the hurt child.

[lilliansmom]

My older DD use to pull hair, she could clear a sand box. She was a bigger kid for her age and could inflict major damage. The only thing that worked for us was close supervision. I had to sit right with her during every play date so that I could redirect her from pulling her play mates hair or pushing/hitting/throwing. It took time and it was hard sitting in the sand box for every play date but it paid off. If my DD did act aggressively and I didn't catch her in time I would remove her from the play date. I let DD know before hand that she needed to be gentle or we could not stay and play with her friends.

Also if you haven't read Positive Discipline for Birth-3 I would highly recommend it.

Hang in there I know how hard it can be. My daughter is 4 now and she is amazing with all children big and small. They do get past it with gentle nudge in the right direction. It must be so frustrating for them not being able to really communicate with your playmates.

[lilliansmom]

Originally Posted by nelson

I'm glad someone brought this up. DS has a "friend" who is very aggressive and always hitting, biting etc. I really don't like it when the mother of the offending child brings the child back over and makes him "touch gently" on my DS. I don't want that child in my DS's bubble again unless it it on my DS's own terms. Being forced to receive a hug or touch from a kid who just hit or bit you is kinda mean in my opinion and is not taking into account the feelings of the hurt child.

That is weird. I always had my child touch me or themselves to show gentle touch. Also I never made DD apologies just suggested. I would just say I think your friend would feel better if you told them you were sorry, and I would suggest that she offer a hug to the child she offend.

[junipervt]

Originally Posted by nelson

I'm glad someone brought this up. DS has a "friend" who is very aggressive and always hitting, biting etc. I really don't like it when the mother of the offending child brings the child back over and makes him "touch gently" on my DS. I don't want that child in my DS's bubble again unless it it on my DS's own terms. Being forced to receive a hug or touch from a kid who just hit or bit you is kinda mean in my opinion and is not taking into account the feelings of the hurt child.

my DD is very gentle & has a few aggressive friends. it only makes her more upset if the child who hurt her comes back over to her before she has calmed down. she gets this look of fear on her face like she is going to be hurt again. it maybe helping the other child learn gentle touches, but it is only causing more hurt to my already hurt DD.

DD has a friend who comes to play often who has just started to hit & push DD. What I do is tell her that if she hits/pushes/grabs things from DD then she can't play w/ her & I remove her from the area where they are playing. I know that this is a normal stage (for some kids), but as a mom of a kid on the other side it is really hard to see your child get hurt while another child is learning to be gentle.

[nelson]

Originally Posted by junipervt

my DD is very gentle & has a few aggressive friends. it only makes her more upset if the child who hurt her comes back over to her before she has calmed down. she gets this look of fear on her face like she is going to be hurt again. it maybe helping the other child learn gentle touches, but it is only causing more hurt to my already hurt DD.

DD has a friend who comes to play often who has just started to hit & push DD. What I do is tell her that if she hits/pushes/grabs things from DD then she can't play w/ her & I remove her from the area where they are playing. I know that this is a normal stage (for some kids), but as a mom of a kid on the other side it is really hard to see your child get hurt while another child is learning to be gentle.

I am not sure if you are agreeing with me or if you misread my post. I was trying to say, like you, that I don't like my kid having to endure being used to teach another child how to be gentle and that it is not taking into account my child's feelings.

[junipervt]

Originally Posted by nelson

I am not sure if you are agreeing with me or if you misread my post. I was trying to say, like you, that I don't like my kid having to endure being used to teach another child how to be gentle and that it is not taking into account my child's feelings.

sorry I should have typed agreed 1st