Rough day with a 20 month old - need reassurance

[VTmamadownsouth]

We got up today and off to what I thought would be a fun outing. We went to this giant flea market where there are lots of vendors selling vegetables, plants, tools, toiletries, clothes, etc. Anyway, I met up with my very close friend and her 3.5 year old and her 6 week old.

The trip was a disaster. DS doesn't want me to wear him anymore, he wants to walk. Can't blame him there, so we tried it for a while. I had to frequently remind him to keep hold of my hand or to keep walking, but that was sort of ok. When he wanted to stop in the middle of a path and play in the sand, I let him for a few minutes and then asked him to come with the rest of us. After asking a few times (and adding in exciting things like "let's go see what our friends are doing!" or "let's go see what's over here") I finally had to pick him up and put him in the carier. He thrashed and protested, but eventually settled. After 20 mintues in the carrier he wanted to get back down, so I let him. Again, the sand on the ground. We'd stop and let him play for a while, then I'd ask him to keep moving. He'd shout at me "NOOOOO!" Deep breath.

So, on one of the sand play breaks the 3.5 year old started playing in the sand too. She was drawing a picture. DS went and messed up her picture. I told him that was her pretty picture and that I'd draw him another one that he could mess up, but he just wanted to mess with hers. Then he discovered throwing sand. So, after asking him several times not to throw it (me, the other mom, and the 3.5 year old all asked him not to) he still kept doing it. To his credit, he was more picking up sand and dropping it, then waving his hand and the excess would go flying everywhere. But still, it was getting on the 3.5 year old and she was very upset about it. In desperation I even asked my friend what a natural consequence for throwing sand was, and she said picking him up and carrying him. I dreaded trying this because I knew he'd just melt down, but I did (because I agreed that's what needed to be done), and he did melt down. Crying, thrashing, begging to get down. I told him he couldn't because he was throwing sand.

A bit later I let him get back down and this time it was go to every table and try to pull stuff off. Or worse, run away from me. He ran over to someone's golf cart and climbed up, knocking their notebook off. I told him it wasn't ours and we needed to go find our friends. Another kicking/crying episode. With each episode I was becoming more stern and holding his arm/hand tighter and tighter. I know I looked like one of those icky, angry moms that I hate to see.

To be honest, he was acting like the kid of one of those moms. The kids who just run from one thing to another doing everything "wrong" they possibly can. But this is so unusual for my DS. He's usually a very bold, busy, fearless, and social guy, but he's not defiant. And usually he recovers quickly from correction and goes with the flow, eager to make up and do what he's asked. Like, after I've spoke sternly to him in the past, he's cried a little and then said "Mama, huggie?" and then gave me a big hug and a smile. Not this time. He wasn't sweet at all. Not the emotionally intuitive kid that he normally is.

By his behavior you might think he was attention starved, which isn't possibly the case, is it? I stay at home with him, and we pretty much play all day. He's always demanded a lot in interaction, and since this is what I signed up for, I interact. We play lots of games, read lots of books, and when we have to do household stuff, we do it together and I talk to him about what we're doing. We don't even watch TV. I usually pat myself on the back for being so connected that he could understand my requests even if he didn't agree with them.

By the time we left I was ready to cry. He was so difficult and I had become so angry and impatient with him that I couldn't even think clearly about what might be a positive way to deal with his behavior. I obviously figured out that I had brought him to an outting that clearly wasn't appropriate for his age/activity level, but I felt obligated to stay and hang out with my friend. I finally did tell her we had to go, but that made me feel bad too. I felt bad that I had put him in a position where his impulses/instincts couldn't be followed, and myself in a position to have to correct him so often. I HATE having to say "no" or "don't" all the time.

When we got home I transfered my lovely sleeping boy into our bed, picked up a few things, and then joined him for the rest of what I hoped would be a 2 hour nap. Only I must have come in during a light sleep cycle because he woke up and wouldn't go back to sleep. I just cried for the next 20 minutes, feeling like I couldn't do anything right today. I resolved that we could take a bath to relax and reconnect. It went great until he got out of the tub, fetched my cell phone (only phone at the house) and tossed it into the water. I was so mad, I yelled "NO. THAT WAS BAD!" bad? Did I really say that? I did. He was so scared and upset, but I was too upset to comfort him. I just wanted to be alone. So he was crying outside the shower while I finished up.

We eventually made up, and I told him I was sorry for yelling but that phones don't go in the tub, but I still feel horrible. He's usually so sensative to me. He loves to have huggies to make up, and says "hi mama!" when he thinks I'm upset. Often times he'll say, "Don't cry" to himself when he's getting sad about minor corrections. It's probably PMS related, but I just feel like such a dumb mom. Like, all of the things that went wrong today were my own fault for not thinking ahead, and sometimes the way I reacted was so not the way I want to be. That I'm losing my sweet, sensative boy because I'm not being creative in my disciplin techniques. I have a really short fuse. My parents yelled and spanked. I don't want to be that way, but my first reaction to things has always been to yell, slam doors, stomp, etc. Not stuff I want my kid to see. So, I worry because sometimes when I'm so mad that I want to yell at him, I hold it in, but that takes so much effort that I'm not dealing with the behavior that caused my anger. LIke, I'm so busy stifling my yells that I'm just not disciplining him or helping him to understand why what he did wasn't the right thing to do.

Longest message ever. SORRY! Just needed to hear some feedback from other nice mamas. Not feeling like a nice one right now.

[AutumnAir]

mama! Sounds like a rough day!

If it makes you feel any better, I frequently have days like this with my 20 month old spirited DD. I find it really difficult to break out of the negative cycle, e.g. DD does something, I get angry with her, then get angry with myself for being a bad mom, then I'm more easily annoyed or upset by something else she does, yell at her, more guilt and so it goes...

I don't really have a magic wand solution for you because I'm right in the middle of it myself, but I did have a few thoughts while reading through.

1) You mention asking him to stop throwing the sand a number of times. I think you might be expecting too much of him here. (I struggle with too-high expectations too!) Probably better if you *told* him to stop, rather than asking him, once - twice maximum - and if he doesn't stop simply assume that he's not actually able to stop himself, and so help him to stop by restraining him, removing him or redirecting him.

2) If the outing was just about meeting with your friend and hanging with her, would it have been terrible to just all plop down together and let him play in the sand to his heart's content? I know with my DD if I give her full rein to do whatever it is she wants to do she's often far more willing to move on to other things once she's had her fill. If you or your friend really wanted/needed to look for stuff on the stalls then maybe you could have traded off - let your friend go shopping while you sat with your DS and maybe her DD too and then she could come back and sit with them while you shopped.

3) Have you considered toddler reins? I know some people are adamantly against them, and if they offend you in some way you can ignore this suggestion. I know if I'm going to a big outing/event like that I try to give myself as many options as possible, so I'll bring the pushchair, the Ergo and the reins, along with plenty of snacks and small toys to distract DD if she gets fractious. This way if she wants to walk she can walk just holding my hand. If she starts to pull away or act up like you were describing then we put the reins on - I just say something like "I see you can't hold Mommy's hand right now. I have to keep you safe and I can't let you damage other people's things so we're going to put the reins on so I can keep you with me." Then a natural progression - if she won't walk in the reins or pitches a fit she can choose if she wants to sit in the pushchair and read a book or if she wants to snuggle with me in the Ergo.

4) Perhaps you're giving him too many opportunities to 'misbehave'? E.g. if DD ran away from me and knocked something over at a fair she wouldn't get the opportunity to 'keep' doing it. She also wouldn't be getting out of the bath without me either because I know how much mischief she can get up to in two seconds flat!! But it sounds like your DS is normally quite a placid little guy and that you're not used to this kind of 'boundary testing' so it's come as a bit of a shock to you!

Anyway, I don't know if any of that was any way helpful to you. I know it doesn't do much, but as far as I know this kind of behaviour is very typical of the age. They're really getting to grips with themselves as independent beings and testing the waters to see where the boundaries are. It's tough for us but I think key is being firm and consistent. And not beating yourself up too much when you get angry. I don't think there's anything wrong in kids seeing the natural consequences of their actions - which is mommy gets angry. If you can model healthy ways of expressing your anger (I really struggle with this) then so much the better, but I don't think the occasional moment of mommy yelling is going to break the connection of a lifetime of AP practice.

[Twocoolboys]

I've got a 20 month old, too. However, he's my third, so this time, I much more matter-of-fact in my parenting style.

I'm guessing that some of your ds's behavior was because you weren't really setting firm boundries. My boys do much better when they know exactly what is expected. At 20 months old, there still needs to be A LOT of physical redirection. Tell him to stop throwing sand once. If he does it again, pick him up. Don't wait until the tenth time or until you are frustrated to the point of tears. And, don't be afraid of his tears. It doesn't make you a bad mom because he cries when you pick him up when he's doing something he shouldn't.

I think you are expecting too much from him when you expect him to stop at verbal requests. But, if you follow through consistenly, then he will get better and better at it. Please don't expect him to be "emotionally intuitive". He's 20 months old! Toddlers are all about ME in the here and now. I mean this in the kindest possible way. You are expecting something that he is no where near mature enough for. Likewise, he's not being defiant. He's doing that stuff because he's a toddler, it's fun and he didn't know where the boundry was.

I'd also suspect that, as the day went on, he was getting quite tired. That sounds like a lot of stimulation and activity for a 20 month old. That makes him less likely to behave as well and, in my experience, over-tired babies are also less likely to have a good nap. That doesn't mean that you can't do things like that with him, but you might want to keep it short and sweet for a while.

Also, there is a lot to be said for a stroller and a snack. My little guy doesn't like to be worn anymore either, so we've moved on to a stroller. He needs a break now and again and, if I've got a yummy snack for him, he'll generally enjoy sitting for a bit. Sometimes he'll even fall asleep.

[VTmamadownsouth]

I think you're both right that I wasn't setting/enforcing boundries enough. You had some good suggetions on how I could have communicated with him more effectively. I appreciate the feedback that I was giving him too much freedom and too many chances. And yes, I should have just let him play in a safe pile of sand as long as he wanted. I let the outside pressures (friend with newborn, onlookers, weird vendors who make awkward comments, etc) keep me from following my instincts on that one.

I think you should know, however, that my "expectations" were only based on his previous behavior during similar situations, not me just wanting him to act more mature or obedient. We do outings like that pretty often, and the difficulty I had with him was very unusual. Especially the "emotinally intuitive" bit. It's not an expectiation, it's an observation about my own child. He just seems to really follow what people are feeling. We've been very connected and he's just responded to my verbal and non-verbal communication in the past, so again, his behavior was unusual for him. I haven't before had such a tough day with him. I absolutly understand he was acting like a toddler, and I love all of the things about him that made him tough to handle, it's just that what usually works with him just didn't yesterday, so I felt pretty frustrated and at a loss.

I kind of just wanted a "cheer up, mama, we've all been there" not a lecture that I was to blame for yesterday's disaster. I already DO blame myself. I don't mean to be defensive, it just sounded like that's what I was getting from Twocoolboys. But who knows, maybe I'm just being sensative. It's hard to know right now since I'm still feeling a little blue.

[Twocoolboys]

I wasn't trying to make you feel attacked and I knew you wanted reasurrance from the title of your post. I can honestly say that I probably was in your position - several times - lol. But, not with my 3rd. With my first and second, it took me a while to get to the point where I learned what works and what doesn't at things like this.

Like I said, I'm much more matter of fact in my parenting style now. I know what to expect from a toddler, how to redirect/distract if needed and when to bail on a situation if we need to. I also think most toddlers are aware of the emotions of their caregivers, however you can't expect that is what is going to bring about good behavior, especially in a situation that is highly stimulating. Call it being emotionally intuitive if you want, but I think that's too mature of a phrase to plunk on a toddler. I interpret that as you expect him to behave because you expect him to be responding to YOUR emotions because you are connected. If that's not how you mean it, then, my mistake. If that is what you mean, then I think you need to rethink it because parenting a toddler doesn't work that way. You need to have a few more tricks up your sleeve - lol. Again, I mean this in the kindest way possible. I'm not trying to make you feel defensive or guilty.

It's nothing to beat yourself up about. And, it certainly wasn't your fault. Heck - it's very natural and normal that he would behave like that!

[swd12422]

VTmama, I'm with you! My son has always listened and even shakes his finger and says "no no" when he gets the urge to do/touch something he knows he shouldn't. But lately we've been having days when he just can't resist ANYTHING, or rather, can't find anything appropriate to do. It's very frustrating, and I've been doing an awful lot of yelling, which I really don't like to do.

This morning, we were with a friend and her two kids. Her son is a few months older and has always been spirited-to-tough-to-handle. He was having a total meltdown, and there was nothing she could do to help him. So she just let him cry and scream for an hour while we went about our business, checking in with him to see if he needed anything from time to time. She apologized profusely for us having to listen to the screaming, but my answer to her was, "Don't worry about it. They all do it at some point." She looked at me like I was nuts, b/c my son has NEVER done anything like that in public (or in private). But I know it's very likely that at some point he will, as he's not even 2 yet! I think it's just part of the deal. How you handle it, how attached you are as a parent, and genetics all determine when and how long the episodes will last, but I get the feeling that no one is immune!

It doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you a parent.

[Lune]

Originally Posted by Twocoolboys

I also think most toddlers are aware of the emotions of their caregivers, however you can't expect that is what is going to bring about good behavior, especially in a situation that is highly stimulating.

It's nothing to beat yourself up about. And, it certainly wasn't your fault. Heck - it's very natural and normal that he would behave like that!

I think you were expecting too much of him, he's only 20 months old!

[_betsy_]

I think you were expecting far too much of him. I have a 3 year old and would just now, MAYBE, think about going someplace like that with her. Of course, every child is different, and all, but really, I'd expect in a situation like that I'd be chasing after her all day, paying for stuff she broke off tables, putting things back on tables all day, etc. It just isn't the sort of day that would be fun with or for a small child.

I think you set him up to fail, to be honest. The situation just isn't a good match for a child who wants to walk around by themselves. If he'd ride in the carrier or a stroller for a large portion of the outing, you might have a better shot at having an easier day in that sort of atmosphere with him.

[S.Lee]

Been there and had to leave the market. It was awful, really awful. To ds it was just a endless playground to explore and destroy. I got to look at NOTHING. He was about the age of your ds. I even tried the harness thing, he just melted down over that. It got much more fun around the time he turned 3. I also get really "cranky" with pms. Since ds was really little when he got upset I would tell him he was getting cranky and to take a deep breath. So, I started saying the same thing for myself out loud and now my son will tell me "you're getting cranky with me mom, you need to take a deep breath". Being able to say this seems to help him not take it personally when I am just being cranky because I'm cranky as opposed to being cranky because I just want him in the dang car seat because I have been waiting forever for him to crawl in the car and sit down, and he decides to play around and tell me NO. Then I tell him I am done- d-o-n-e!( he learned to spell that word early) and I want him in the car so I can go home, because I have had it and I am tired. Guess that may seem manipulative to some, but it is the truth and he has turned into a pretty compassionate little guy. I just try to be honest about how I am feeling and still respect his feelings and to whatever degree a young child can expect him to respect mine. sorry for just rambling, meant to say HANG IN THERE

[alegna]

That sounds like a really overwhelming day for a 20mo.

If I had attempted that with a kid that age- the deal ahead of time would have been that he would be on my back or in a stroller. If there was a chance for a safe and appropriate play space, I would have put him down for a bit with a lot of discussion of it being a play time and when it was time to go he would be contained again.

-Angela

[savithny]

I agree your expectations were too high.

I'd also *gently* say that at 20 months, basing expectations on previous experience isn't always realistic.

You would think it should be, since we adults see child behavior in terms of a steady climb "up" towards adulthood. But from your DS's point of view, he is making developmental leaps inside his head that are going to change his entire view of the world and his place in it. He is figuring out now that you and he are separate human beings, and that he has the ability to do his own thing, not just the "mom and baby as unit" thing. And this is EXCITING STUFF. It is HEADY and makes a toddler DRUNK WITH POWER!

Okay, kidding. But only slightly. My DS went from being a young toddler that I could carry anywhere, who happy bounced along in his sling or backpack, smiling at everyone -- to a 2.75yo who was "that kid" at the park every time we tried to go, including meltdowns, screaming fits, the whole nine yards. He was the easiest baby ever, and a very difficult kid from 2.5ish to (honestly) nearly 4.

One other thing I'll say. While you'll get a lot of advice to talk, discuss, explain etc. I would also say that not every child will respond well to *too much discussion.* I am not saying not to explain or discuss the "why" and the "what," but be aware of the fact that some children pretty much shut down and stop listening if the words go on too long, especially in an emotional moment. With my DS, I had to choose words carefuly to be short, firm, and to the poitn. I repeated the words I'd chosen during a stressful incident, but didn't add new ones. Later, after everyone was calm and we were a little bit away from it, we'd talk about it. (I'm talking about a 3yo, though, not a 2yo.)

[AmyKT]

Originally Posted by Twocoolboys

And, don't be afraid of his tears. It doesn't make you a bad mom because he cries when you pick him up when he's doing something he shouldn't.

I don't know about the OP, but for me, this is a big one. I'm still learning to be ok with the tears.

But fwiw, OP, this sounds like a typical outing w/ my 22 month old, so I envy you your usual, easy outings. I'm having to learn not to expect too much.

[Anandamama]

Hey Vtmama, Just want to say that it seems like all these people saying "you're expecting too much" have not read what you wrote. I hear you saying that your child could normally handle an outing like the one to the market with no problem, that your expectation was that it would be as it usually is with him, and it wasn't. Something was different. You didn't handle it as well as you wish you had. Your child is growing and changing and perhaps not quite the sweet, responsive boy you're used to. Or maybe it was just an off day. We all have off days. We all get stressed out and respond in ways we regret. That regret is not the signal to beat ourselves up, but just a signal that reminds us that we want to learn how to better handle our own emotions. I'm having a day like that with my LO today. I want to do better. But I'm tired and stressed and I also did not grow up in the most gentle, emotionally nurturing household. I was raised by a stressed-out, struggling single mom who dealt with difficult emotions by yelling, throwing things and then completely shutting down. As you do, I want to have a close, loving, respectful connection with my child for our entire lives. I don't want small things to build up into a feeling of mistrust. We're learning! It sounds like you're doing the best you can with what you've got, and as my mom (who I love a lot) used to say, "As long as you're doing your best, no one can expect anything more".

[savithny]

Originally Posted by Anandamama

I hear you saying that your child could normally handle an outing like the one to the market with no problem, that your expectation was that it would be as it usually is with him, and it wasn't. Something was different. You didn't handle it as well as you wish you had. Your child is growing and changing and perhaps not quite the sweet, responsive boy you're used to. Or maybe it was just an off day.

That was exactly my point. Little ones change so fast. And its easy to assume that all development is going to be in the directly of "Things just keep getting better." From *our* POV, normal development "shouldn't" make things *harder* -- so its easy to expect that things we did easily before should remain easy. But from the little ones' POV, normal development may well mean that things that used to be "easy" are now complicated, based on their new skills, abilities, and knowledge.

So honestly, the expectations that were high were not even so much for that day, but for the idea that your child is going to continue to react to situations in the same way they always reacted, when they are becoming a different little person who may well have a different reaction. And part of parenting a baby/toddler/preschooler/child is accepting that our kids are changing as they grow.

[TortelliniMama]

I totally agree with the PPs that kids who used to be very easy to take places can become much more challenging to take to those same sort of places.

You also said, "That I'm losing my sweet, sensative boy because I'm not being creative in my disciplin techniques." I think it's really common to feel like our kids are losing their (for lack of a better word) innocence as they move fully from baby to toddler to child. And in a way they are, but it's not due to poor parenting. It's due to them becoming more independent people. They need to make mistakes and stretch their wings. It's not easy on us (or them, actually), but it's a part of natural development. They become less convenient and, yes, at times they push boundaries just for the sake of pushing them. They're trying to figure out where they start and we end.

I also wanted to say that I think it's helpful to think about modeling gentle self-discipline. Sometimes we're so much harsher with ourselves than we'd be with our kids or than we'd want our kids to be with themselves. Now, obviously your little one doesn't have this level of self-talk yet, but think about when he's older and has had a hard day. Even if that day were due in part to choices that he made, and even if making different choices might have improved the outcome, would you hope that he would be really down on himself and feeling horrible? Didn't think so. So try to not to do it to yourself, huh?

I'm certainly not saying, "Oh, shrug it off. It's no big deal," because there are certainly things we can learn when stuff goes wrong, and hopefully you'll be able to make new plans to cope better with/avoid this kind of situation next time. But I think that needs to be your focus. If a child spills their drink, even if it's because they were being silly and careless, using GD wouldn't guide us to ruminate with them about what a bad idea it was to be silly and careless and spill it. Instead we would be more likely to involve them in the cleanup, and make plans for the next time high spirits and liquids seem likely to collide.

When we beat ourselves up over our mistakes, even if we think we're doing it all silently, our kids pick up on it. Our examples of how to care for ourselves speak much more loudly than our words. Plus, it's really hard to find the energy to try and find solutions when our energy is taken up with thoughts of how we're always failing. Be gentle with yourself while you try and find different paths.

[VTmamadownsouth]

Ok, thanks.

Thanks to the few of you who saw through to the point of my original post.

Thanks also to the rest who want to reiterate that my expectations for my son were too high. Got it.

We were in a car accident the day after our "rough day", so rough days have a new meaning now.

So, if you feel like you need to point out some mom's flaws or argue with others who come to her defense, please find another thread. Better yet, if moms need a hug, give them a hug, not a mirror. We're pretty capable of beating ourselves up, all on our own.

[AutumnAir]

Oh, mama - I'm so sorry!! Is everyone okay? I hope it wasn't a serious accident.