Originally Posted by GoestoShow
I wouldn't do it again if I could do it over. The birth of my son completely turned my identity upside down, inside out, and then tore it apart ---- along with my body. I've had so many complications. I've seen doctors, physical therapists, chiropractors, mental health therapists, and so on. I'm tired all the time. I don't ever have five minutes to recharge, and I'm running on fumes. Being a mother for me has been a miserable experience. I can't say there's one single thing about it that I full-heartedly enjoy.
If I had known about what happened to me during his birth, that we'd fail at breastfeeding and I'd be ostracized and criticized for this failure by others, that he'd have extreme colic for nearly 10 weeks, and that there'd nothing at all of myself from my pre-motherhood days ahead of time, I really truly wouldn't have gone through with it.
Will this change someday? Who knows? In order for that to happen, the physical pain would need to end, my body would need to freaking recover, and, honestly, something would have to happen to show me exactly why this has been worth it.
Mama I am so sorry you're going through this. I had a similar experience - my first year - scratch that, 2 years - were the hardest, most painful, infuriating, dark and depressing years of my life. I was completely lost, alone & empty. I even loathed being around my daughter, especially after those months and months of "colic." When she reached for me I wanted to scream. Every night when my husband got home I left. I couldn't stand being home anymore.
Things did change for me. A LONG road of medication, therapy, couples therapy, LOTS of time to love and forgive myself, taking time for myself to persue things I want to do have all been really important for me. I even returned to school last year, but have since taken a break to enjoy being at home with my daughter - which is huge for me. My daughter is in preschool now and I have the luxury of my IL's & my mom who are close to spend time with her regularly. The time to myself has made a HUGE difference.
Clearly I'm pregnant again & I am terrified I'm going to have to experience it all over. I just don't think I'm a "baby" person. I not only not enjoy the infant stage, it is really taxing on me. I have a lot of support that I derived by necessity of those first couple of years with my daughter, so I hope things are at least more predictable.
I don't know - I'm sending you so much love right now mama. Most people will never "get" what you are going through - don't ever let that get to you. You have it completely different than anyone else raising their baby. Your circumstances are WAY harder, mindbogglingly so - don't judge yourself based on others. ANYTHING you do is a remarkable feat - a miracle. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other... if you have any spirituality, lean on it as much as you can.
"If you're going through hell, keep going" -Winston Churchill