Originally Posted by GoestoShow
I wouldn't do it again if I could do it over. The birth of my son completely turned my identity upside down, inside out, and then tore it apart ---- along with my body. I've had so many complications. I've seen doctors, physical therapists, chiropractors, mental health therapists, and so on. I'm tired all the time. I don't ever have five minutes to recharge, and I'm running on fumes. Being a mother for me has been a miserable experience. I can't say there's one single thing about it that I full-heartedly enjoy.
If I had known about what happened to me during his birth, that we'd fail at breastfeeding and I'd be ostracized and criticized for this failure by others, that he'd have extreme colic for nearly 10 weeks, and that there'd nothing at all of myself from my pre-motherhood days ahead of time, I really truly wouldn't have gone through with it.
Will this change someday? Who knows? In order for that to happen, the physical pain would need to end, my body would need to freaking recover, and, honestly, something would have to happen to show me exactly why this has been worth it.
Thank you for being brave enough to admit to this - what you describe is very close to my own feelings, certainly for the first year of DD's life.
Even now, while I *adore* DD I do think quite a bit about whether I would be better off/ happier if I'd never had her. Having her negatively impacted my life in just about every area; I suffered/suffer PTSD from birth rape, have sexual/marital issues because of this, was extremely ill for the first 4 months of DD's life and have still not recovered, am suffering from pretty severe sleep deprivation, gave up my job that I loved to SAH because I was so ill and DD so high needs, moved from a place where we had job/financial security and our own place to a different country with no friends around, a tiny horrible rented house and quite a bit less money with DH's job being less stable too. (We moved partly because of DD's future and partly because of my horrific experiences with the medical establishment where we were living.)
If I hadn't had DD I would have a good career, plenty of job prospects and opportunities to travel, a nice flat of my own, a great sex life, a happy marriage, a whole healthy body instead of one that's scarred and damaged (and seriously overweight from having no energy or time to exercise and no time to prep healthy food because of a very HN LO, plus eating/overeating is my 'reward' to myself for getting through the day
) But I wouldn't have DD. I love her, but she came at a *very* high price.
I voted "I love my kids but don't really enjoy mothering." though I'm not sure that really covers it. I can see maybe enjoying this a whole lot more in another few years when DD's not nursing round the clock with her horrific latch, when I get a few hours of straight sleep, and when I can get back to being me. But right now that seems very far off.