Money can make things so complicated - what to say - help plz!

[kms1]

I need some advice on whether I need to talk to my DS1 (7y spirited) about an incident at all and if so what to say.
I had given him $3 to buy a book that his group had designed and made and were selling. I couldn’t go to the day myself. He gets his own pocket money and had talked about whether he would take his own money to spend but he said he didn’t want to so that was OK by me. I had said he was to bring any change back if there was money left over after buying the book.
So he got home saying he didn’t need to buy the book because someone else had bought it for him (neighbours Mum) and so he spent the money on other things.
Then in passing he said that neighbour’s son had given him $5 but then he had given it back again.
At the time I said that we hadn’t agreed that he could spend that money on anything else and so I would expect him to pay me back (not because we don’t have the money but really because he has pocket money which is for that exact purpose).
Then I find out from my neighbour that her Mum ended up paying for the book because DS1 was standing there looking so sad (I don’t think he wanted to spend the money on the book) that they assumed he didn’t have enough for the book so they offered to pay for it – then she heard him saying to himself “oh good now I can spend some money on other things”… Then she (my neighbour) found her own son going through her wallet for money and when she asked him about it her son said he had given all his own money to my son and so was needing more. So she went to DS1 and explained that it would leave her son with no money and DS1 gave it back. She said there hadn’t been an issue but she told me because she would have wanted to know herself….
SO! I do feel embarrassed and uncomfortable – my neighbour does not have a lot of money so I don’t like the idea of her funding something that I was perfectly happy to pay for…. But what I need help with is this – is there anything I need to say to my son and if so what?
‘Cos really he accepted someone paying for something but didn’t lie and say he didn’t have enough money (maybe I need to double check that?) and I don’t have a problem with that, His friend gave him the money out of the goodness of his heart and I don’t mind him accepting that… and he gave it back when my neighbour explained the situation…
SO why do I feel so uncomfortable? Am I missing something or is this just my ‘issues’/social politeness…. Thoughts welcome 

[gsd1amommy]

You need to explain to him that you gave him $3 to buy the book. It was wrong of him to allow the neighbor's mother to pay for the book when he had the money and knew what it was for. It was wrong of him to use the money you designated for the book for other purchases. The natural consequence is $6 of his pocket money needs to be used for reparations. $3 to you. $3 to neighbor's mom.

[Sailor]

Yes, when I was a child, and my mom gave me money for something specific and asked me to bring the change back ... and I wound up using that money for something else, the consequences were that I paid her back. With interest.

I also had allowance for whatever I wanted, and that's where the payment with interest came from - out of my allowance.

[peachopotamus]

I would emphasized her kindness and encourage him to think of ways to think of a way to repay the kindness. I think it would be better for him feel empowered by giving than forced.

[elmh23]

Originally Posted by gsd1amommy

You need to explain to him that you gave him $3 to buy the book. It was wrong of him to allow the neighbor's mother to pay for the book when he had the money and knew what it was for. It was wrong of him to use the money you designated for the book for other purchases. The natural consequence is $6 of his pocket money needs to be used for reparations. $3 to you. $3 to neighbor's mom.

This is what I would do.

[_betsy_]

Sounds like he needs to learn money doesn't grow on trees. Can he maybe help around the house with extra chores or something to earn some more money?

[GuildJenn]

I think I would see if he can't come up with the right solution. He's old enough to start thinking this stuff through.

So I would take each case separately. With the neighbour case, I would sit my son down and put it the way you put it here - your neighbour doesn't have a lot of money to spend (I would put this really concretely for him, like now she might not be able to buy desserts for her family or something) and it was wrong of him to take her money for the book when he had chosen to spend family money designated for it on something else.

Then I would say: I expect you to make this right. How are you going to? And then let him decide if he's going to give her $3, or provide her with something equivalent or greater in value (his time doing chores for her, buy something for her) or some other mutually agreeable response.

Then I would have the same conversation over in slightly less serious tones about how he spent the money you gave him for the book on other things. If it were me I'd be able to talk about how we used to go to the corner store with our parents' money and bring home the change and how perhaps he hasn't had as much practice but that it is not right to use money designated for one purpose for another. (That's fraud ). Then I would encourage him to go through the same process, or, depending, I might just accept an apology and an understanding of how he will handle it the next time.

It's a process.

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by peachopotamus

I would emphasized her kindness and encourage him to think of ways to think of a way to repay the kindness. I think it would be better for him feel empowered by giving than forced.

I agree with this.

[lolar2]

A lot of 7yo still have trouble understanding exactly how money works, how one makes change, etc. so you may also want to talk to him about that in a more mathematical way. Show him that 4 quarters are the same as a dollar, etc.-- even if you've already done that, it can sometimes be confusing. I substitute-taught a class of 7 and 8-year-olds on that lesson, and some of them had real difficulty.

[reezley]

I don't have a 7yo (my older ds is almost 5) - but I remember being that age and older, and I really don't think I understood the subtleties and etiquette of money then. If a grown-up offered something, I wouldn't have had the strength (or presence of mind or whatever) to say, "oh, thanks, no, I am supposed to spend this moeny on this book specifically". I would keep it positive, like pp suggested, but use this an opportunity to teach how we need to let people keep their own money for their own things, etc.