3.5 having a hard time adjusting to living with 3 other kids (even after 4 months) HELP!

[Mom'n it]

I'm really having a hard time at the moment with how to deal with what is going on at home. Brief back story... my son, 3.5, and I just moved into a house with another family of 5 (parents and 3 kids---8 and twin 5 year olds). It seems that the issues we are having are only growing and not subsiding the more we live here. It has only been 4 months, but wow what an intense 4 months it has been!

Now, from what I've been reading, my DS is displaying typical 3.5 yo behavior as far as hitting/spitting/throwing etc... and from watching how things get to the way it is is, for the most part, a reaction to the other children. I don't approve of hitting as an acceptable reaction and am encouraging him to use his words instead of hands to explain how he's feeling. At the same time, I can see him possibly feeling like he's backed into a corner and in that fight or flight moment needing to respond with his hands or spitting. Examples are the constant growling the other children are doing when he (my DS) is around. He's mentioned that this scares him, and granted, he could be just saying this now as it happens so much that it's almost predictable, yet still annoying... but the kids keep doing it while successfully getting a reaction out of him. He does say "I don't like that, please stop" but they don't and we usually intervene because it leads to physical reactions. The other thing that happens is that DS will get hurt or do something that requires a reaction from me (or other adult in the house) and the other kids will smile at him with a "haha, neener neener" kind of response. Again, getting a negative reaction from my DS, ie. hitting, yelling, spitting.. etc..

My housemate has just asked me if I have been going to counseling at all to get support for my child being so violent. I hadn't thought about needing to go to counseling for this as I can see what gets him upset and why he reacts. She has also said that he is a violent child and is creating an unsafe environment for the other children in the house.

I'm at my wit's end and recognizing the need to move. BUT I would also like some advice on how to deal with type of situation. Especially seeing as moving is not something I can do this week/moment... etc. I have just been told that my loving, sweet, funny, adorable character of a kid is this violent creature that poses a threat to our household... I need gentle discipline to help with how to deal with this as far as the children are concerned, but also as far as dealing with the parents as well... *sigh* I just need help, and I want to know that my child is not, in fact, this monster my housemate is claiming him to be...

Thanks for reading this far.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Sounds like its 3 kids against one, and the one is the youngest.

Your roommate, having 3 kids, probably thinks that the typical teasing, bullying, and taunting that often develops in larger familes is "normal" and that your child is the one not adjusting to what he should be able to adjust to.

But your child didn't have five years to learn to deal with new siblings, beginning with the new siblings being infants and slowly developing their interactions as they grow together. He's thrown into an already-developed silbling culture and of course he's reacting with terror and anger.

I think about the only thing you can do is stand up for him, as he is too little to properly stand up for himself and needs a lot more time to develop those skills to be able to hold his own against 5 and 8 year olds. Everytime they say, "neener neener" you need to back him up. "He just said he doesn't like that; did you hear him? You need to stop teasing him."

[Mom'n it]

It definitely is 3 against one. For a while now he'll come in and say "he's teasing me!" when they growl or whatever... but the other mama is saying that he's just using that word as a label to describe things that really aren't teasing. So that's really frustrating. I see their interactions and the taunting that happens.

Really, I'm just thinking that we need to avoid them all together to have a somewhat peaceful time here, even though it's not much fun for my little guy... nor is it much fun for me... My housemate said (in supposed joking) that she couldn't believe she let a 3.5 year old move in (after being long past that age with her kids). I did tell her that hurt my feelings to hear that and she just reinforced that it was a joke...

I think I need to just be more available when they're playing together so that I can help him stand up for himself. Honestly, I need help standing up for myself when I'm around their mama. She can have a very accusatory tone while talking to me AND my son which can be very off putting/frustrating/demeaning etc...

Bah.

Thanks for your help BellinghamCrunchie!

[Porcelain Interior]

Your son is being provoked. It is a violent and angry feeling to be pestered/bullied/annoyed until you physically lose it and lash out because it won't stop.

My siblings picked on me in similar ways until I was either on the floor with my hands over my ears screaming to drown out the teasing/noises what have you, or I'd start kicking them.

3.5 year olds don't really have a high tolerance for being teased, I'm 30 and I still don't.

I wouldn't label a child as violent if he's reacting to people tormenting him.

I would be worried if he was just walking up and popping people out of the blue, he's not from your description- he's being pushed to his limit first.

Your housemates kids are emotional abusers. Maybe that's a strong label, but to pick on a child that young and small it's not right. Your son is definitely not the one with the problem.

[LynnS6]

Several thoughts:
4 months is a relatively short period of time.

Your child is being taunted (not teased), and it sounds like the other kids are ganging up on him.

How much longer do you have to live there?

[Mom'n it]

There isn't a set time of how long I 'have' to live here, and I'd much rather leave asap if I'm able. I'm trying to find other housing in the area, but unfortunately, a lot of places don't want to rent to people with kids (illegal, I know... they get around it somehow...) It's tough. I'm looking into low income housing, but would like to be in a somewhat safe area, of course.

I appreciate everyone's support. I'm needing to find all the right words to help explain what is going to help my housemate understand that my child is not a monster. I know it is a very sensitive topic to tell another parent how their children are interacting with your own.. etc.. but with everything that has been said about mine and needing to continue living here until we can find something better makes it a very uncomfortable space indeed.


"LynnS6

Several thoughts:
4 months is a relatively short period of time."


Are you meaning that it is not long enough to tell? Or a lot has happened in a short period? Or something else completely

[juliebird]

i feel for you! that's got to be so hard. I think the pps are right in that your child is being provoked. i'm also wondering about your housemate (the mom of the other three kids)...she sounds like her standards are very different than yours. Suggesting counseling to you sounds like she's trying to pass on the blame for the tension/conflict to you and your little one (perhaps not on purpose) so I wouldn't consider that to be an air tight recommendation that your kid is the one with the problem.

So. now what do you do? You are obviously going to be in this situation for a little while longer at least. what can you do to limit the impact on you and your little one? Though 3.5 is young, you can probably try to have a very basic discussion about what's going on with lots of extra nurturing and very clear guidelines about what to do when something happens. Like, "when the other kids growl at you, leave the room and come find mommy" or "growl back and then laugh". And do a lot of physical nurturing, holding, cuddling just "being there" will help so much!

Good luck and good for your that you're seeking out advice and looking for solutions. That is so much more than many other people do. Your little one is lucky to have you

[Mom'n it]

Thanks mama It helps to know that I'm not crazy... er well.. crazy in feeling this way about it all!

I have a lot to think about (and thoughts to prepare for) when they get back from camping...

I really appreciate all the help!

[LynnS6]

Sorry, I was a bit cryptic. What I meant was that 4 months isn't all that long to adjust to a new situation, in the grand scheme of things. If you read posts from parents with new babies, the older sibs can take 12 months or more to adjust to having a new kid in the house.