How do you respond to aggressive play with toys?

[BC mom]

My 3yo has started this aggressive play with his toy animals and cars (giraffe stomping on car, cow pushing over goat etc. with all the aggressive sound effects). I think he picked it up from the 3 billy goats gruff story (darn, I shouldn't have read it to him!). I assume this is a natural and normal stage, but I really don't like it and am not sure if I should just ignore it or discourage it. If I discourage it, this might just egg him on as he loves a reaction from his mama right now! He also slaps at puppets and stuffed animals. Boo Hoo. I want my little innocent boy back!

[Shera971]

I wouldn't be worried about it. My DS (who is 4) does this as well and as long as he isn't so rough he's going to break the toy I just ignore it. I definitely wouldn't discourage it because iI believe ts just another type of emotion (perhaps anger?) that he is exploring safely through play.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

I agree with Shera971 that its an emotion he's exploring through play. That is what play is all about.

I feel uncomfortable when DD plays with her toys this way. But then, I am uncomfortable with displays of anger or aggression in any situation. I hope that DD will grow up being more comfortable with a range of emotions, and the various ways they are displayed, than I am.

[ChetMC]

Totally Agree

I totally agree. I wouldn't worry about it at all. Kids explore emotions and concepts through play... all kinds of emotions and concepts, positive, negative and everything in between.

It's actually very good that your DS is working these things out with his toys and not with the real people and animals around him. That can be a much tougher situation to address!

I'm not a believer that all children's literature needs to be happy and cuddly either. It's also very healthy for kids to explore darker emotions and ideas through story.

[mamazee]

Very normal, and I agree that it's a great thing that he's exploring these emotions with toys instead of other people. It doesn't always work that way.

[BC mom]

Thanks for your feedback, I'll try to ignore it. Unfortunately the slapping behaviour is also directed at people around him lately, especially if he is tired or bored. This is also a tough situation but I am trying to discourage it without reacting too strongly (getting angry), and just walking away. Its hard though!

[EdnaMarie]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

I totally agree. I wouldn't worry about it at all. Kids explore emotions and concepts through play... all kinds of emotions and concepts, positive, negative and everything in between.

It's actually very good that your DS is working these things out with his toys and not with the real people and animals around him. That can be a much tougher situation to address!

I'm not a believer that all children's literature needs to be happy and cuddly either. It's also very healthy for kids to explore darker emotions and ideas through story.

Ooooh, you stole my answer.

You don't have to ignore it, you can also help him work through it. I mean think about it- you wouldn't consider it wrong for an adult to process feelings of anger or sadness by writing fiction about angry or sad people, would you? You can even ask about it. Try to help him understand how he's feeling.

Slapping, on the other hand, is different, because that affects others. I agree that setting the child down, briefly making your feelings known, and leaving the situation or emotionally distancing yourself are best for repeated hitting, once you've determined that it's a more experimental way to deal with anger, and not something coming from a stress that needs to be resolved.

[Theoretica]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

I totally agree. I wouldn't worry about it at all. Kids explore emotions and concepts through play... all kinds of emotions and concepts, positive, negative and everything in between.

It's actually very good that your DS is working these things out with his toys and not with the real people and animals around him. That can be a much tougher situation to address!

I'm not a believer that all children's literature needs to be happy and cuddly either. It's also very healthy for kids to explore darker emotions and ideas through story.

Yup!

[butterfly_mommy]

Originally Posted by ChetMC

I totally agree. I wouldn't worry about it at all. Kids explore emotions and concepts through play... all kinds of emotions and concepts, positive, negative and everything in between.

It's actually very good that your DS is working these things out with his toys and not with the real people and animals around him. That can be a much tougher situation to address!

I'm not a believer that all children's literature needs to be happy and cuddly either. It's also very healthy for kids to explore darker emotions and ideas through story.

Good answer!

[stefka]

I'll echo that I think imaginative play is the best (and safest) way kids have to work through big feelings and ideas, even violent ones. That said, my DS (5) has only very recently started doing much rough play with toys, and I do find it hard to witness at times. Yesterday he and a friend were drowning a princess in a moat and making sure her lungs filled with water. I decided I should just listen from nearby, but boy it was hard to let them go there without lecturing them on violence toward innocent princesses.

I do have a good "this doesn't mean they'll turn into violent psychopaths" story. My mom talks about my older sister, who was and is one of the kindest, gentlest human beings I know, having one Raggedy Ann doll that was a constant victim of aggression. My sister beat her, threw her down stairs, yelled at her, stomped on her, etc. My mom had no idea how this doll brought this out in my sister, but it went on for quite a while. To my knowledge, my now 43 year old sister has never raised her hand (and rarely even her voice) to a real, live human. I think of this whenever my kid is directing aggression at toys.

[nuwavemomma]

A question then...

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days - I have a very energetic 4 yo whose aggressive toy play is hard to abide. I totally see that it's a safe way to explore. I get that. What's difficult to me is this: if it's safe to explore this way with toys - what changes when they're older and the toys are violent video games? Obviously there's a well known correlation between those and real violence. Is it the lack of control of the game's narrative/outcome? Is the open-endedness of aggressive role play what makes that ok but video games not? What if a child only wants to play rough? Then what's the difference??? I'd love to hear your thoughts mamas.

[Tashakittie]

my 3.5 yo ds just got to this stage! it freaks me out bigtime! but i agree that it helps work these feelings in a healthy way. i say tho, it sure is painful watching him beat his teddy bear w/ a stick- who only a few months ago, the same bear was his "baby" whom he very well "fathered." where did this beastly, aggressive brute come from, and what did he do to my angel?

[GoBecGo]

I think i remember that boys of 4-5 get an injection of testosterone within their systems which contributes to their liking for rough play around this age. I can remember viciously whipping my rocking horse aged about 9, i have never beaten a real horse.

There is a saying, can't remember who by, that "there is nothing so delightful as the sound of young people's voices when you cannot hear what they are saying". Definitely true with the drowning pricesses!

[lula'smom]

i've been struggling with this with my dd (3 yrs 8 mths) also.

it's very difficult for me to see her doing mean things to her dolls. it's easier for me, for some reason, if the dolls are being mean to each other (even though it's still my dd enacting the violent play) than if she is being a person being aggressive to the "baby" or "friend" doll. i agree also that it's my own discomfort with anger and conflict that makes this difficult for me. also, she wants me to join in the play and make the babies cry, fall down, throw up, etc. i always try to soothe the babies if i engage in the play, which i think is frustrating to what she's trying to work through. it's interesting b/c if i were pg or she had a sibling i would think she was working through that, but i'm not/she doesn't. i think it's still relational work, especially since she's just becoming social, just started a preschool situation....

does there need to be any moderation though? what about throwing the dolls down the stairs or slamming them in the door? (both of which she wants to do...). there is the kind of standard i guess about not harming the toy (i mean physically breaking it, not psychically hurting its feelings...) but these are soft dolls.

i'm just not at peace with this but i agree with a pp that i want her to learn to handle these emotions better than i do. i think i'm giving her very mixed messages right now.

[elizawill]

i also wouldn't worry about it one bit.