"I'm the best" and "It's not my fault"

[gentlestrengths]

My nearly 5 year old has had a "problem", for lack of better term, for quite some time.
He really, honestly and truly, thinks that he is better at everything than everyone else. I don't think this is so bad, except that he says it out loud. I think one day he'll learn that he isn't the best, and he'll suffer a little humility and learn his lesson - and it may just take more than one.

But the problem with that lies in that if he doesn't do well at something or if he messes up, or if he gets hurt, or if he is disappointed with his actions - he always, always, always blames someone else. He says "You should have...!!!" fill in the blank with whatever would have made him not trip. It's quite hilarious at times because sometimes no one is even near him and he will still blame everyone but his own clumsy feet.

I am sure that if I told a doctor that I thought he had ADD that the doctor would agree and put him on drugs. I would NEVER do this, but dh and I had to finally admit, about a year ago, that he is very different. He has always been a challenge for us. He is very "high strung". He has really pushed our patience button to the max (we are thankful really, his challenging nature has made us better parents). He has a ton of energy and is go-go-go from the time he wakes up in the morning until he goes to sleep at night. Quite literally. He *can* sit still, and he *can* concentrate when he wants to. He is an amazing person and I think he is destined to do great things someday. So I don't want to tell him he isn't "the best" - but he does NOT know how to take the blame for anything that he does. His constant blame of other people is quite second nature to him. I really think he believes that he does everything right and everyone else just gets in his way! I can sit there and argue with him that "no, no one was even NEAR you when you stubbed your toe!" and he will seriously ARGUE with me about it. I don't need to argue with him. And obviously I don't discipline someone else because of what he says is happening. But HOW can I get it through to him that sometimes we just walk and stub our own toe?? Is there any way besides just letting him learn on his own as he grows?

I don't know what else to do with him in these situations. I don't know what I can say. Once he told me "Mommy, you should have known I was going to walk into the wall! It's YOUR fault!" I am not joking, and that was close to a year ago when he was barely 4. It is getting worse as he ages.

None of the other kids are like this. This is just his unique personality, and I love his personality!! But I want to be a good parent too, and guide him what is correct. Do I just keep telling him the truth, and letting him argue back that I am wrong and everyone is out to get him?? LOL

[One_Girl]

My dd does the "I'm the best" thing. It helped to talk to her about how to be a good sport and how it hurts other people's feelings when we say put downs or brag. The Berenstein Bear's have a few great movies about bragging that also seemed to help without me needing to nag.

When dd does the blame game I don't accept the blame. I also don't engage in an argument. I sympathize with her and point out what actually happened and if she continues to blame I firmly tell her that I am not playing the blame game and she needs to go into her room to do it. If we are in public I give her the option of going to the car until she is able to accept and move on. There is probably a really good book about blaming that is geared towards children. The Berenstein Bears have one that is about sibling blame and there are probably other ones also. I really love using a book to facilitate a discussion. Many children's librarians are very knowledgable about fiction books that touch on many different common childhood struggles.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

It sounds like more than the typical "I'm the best" that occurs at this age, and the insistence on winning everything as children learn that winning is "good" and struggle with evaluating their own abilities in comparison to others (and are secretly fearful that they don't measure up, thus the overcompensation).

It also sounds like the blaming of others isn't the typical defensive "Its not my fault!" or "She did it" that occurs when they really don't want to be at fault, but secretly know that they are, and are just trying to control your perception of who did what.

It sounds like he really believes that when things happen to him, it doesn't have anything to do with his behavior, and that something from the outside has caused something to happen to him, or his body.

I saw this frequently with young boys with Asperger's. It was a neurological/cognitive thing, not an emotional disturbance sort of thing. It seemed to stem from difficulties in their own sense of self and not clearly being able to see the boundaries between self, others, and environment.

So, in a roundabout fashion, it helped to work with them on feelings and emotions. This is because the fastest way to developing a clear sense of self is through learning to process your own emotions, even the good ones. When you have good feelings (are happy, excited) the whole world isn't also happy and excited. To them, it seemed it was. Learning that your feelings are your own and not necessarily shared with all around you was a big first step. Learning to recognize and label emotions was the next step.

The other thing that helped was simply focusing on consequences. I don't mean just bad consequences, but all the kinds of consequences as well. You don't even address the issue of attribution (who caused what). If you put coins into the soda machine and push a button, a soda comes out. If your body bumps into a doorframe, your body hurts. If you say please and use a calm voice tone, you're more likely to get what you asked for. Teaching cause and effect sidesteps the whole blame thing.

[Dar]

I read the subject line and thought "four". Yup.

I'd just try to de-emphasize "fault" and competition in his life. I wouldn't argue with him about it. If you can incorporate some cooperative games or other non-competitive activities, that might help. You could also try emphasizing your own mistakes, and laughing at yourself - "Oh, I tripped over my own feet. How silly!".

Four year olds often have a surprisingly fragile sense of sense - they've generally just realized how small they really are in the world, and so this is the age of superheroes and of trying to be as powerful as they can in whatever ways they find. They have a really hard time when they come face to face with their actual powerlessness, like tripping and falling or losing a game. Giving your son lots of opportunities to be the big, powerful one might help, too... jobs around the house, whatever...

[New]

My reply to this got so long and so much about my own kid, I started the new thread: "Kicking, lying, 'I'm the best.'"

[gentlestrengths]

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

It sounds like more than the typical "I'm the best" that occurs at this age, and the insistence on winning everything as children learn that winning is "good" and struggle with evaluating their own abilities in comparison to others (and are secretly fearful that they don't measure up, thus the overcompensation).

It also sounds like the blaming of others isn't the typical defensive "Its not my fault!" or "She did it" that occurs when they really don't want to be at fault, but secretly know that they are, and are just trying to control your perception of who did what.

It sounds like he really believes that when things happen to him, it doesn't have anything to do with his behavior, and that something from the outside has caused something to happen to him, or his body.

I saw this frequently with young boys with Asperger's. It was a neurological/cognitive thing, not an emotional disturbance sort of thing. It seemed to stem from difficulties in their own sense of self and not clearly being able to see the boundaries between self, others, and environment.

So, in a roundabout fashion, it helped to work with them on feelings and emotions. This is because the fastest way to developing a clear sense of self is through learning to process your own emotions, even the good ones. When you have good feelings (are happy, excited) the whole world isn't also happy and excited. To them, it seemed it was. Learning that your feelings are your own and not necessarily shared with all around you was a big first step. Learning to recognize and label emotions was the next step.

The other thing that helped was simply focusing on consequences. I don't mean just bad consequences, but all the kinds of consequences as well. You don't even address the issue of attribution (who caused what). If you put coins into the soda machine and push a button, a soda comes out. If your body bumps into a doorframe, your body hurts. If you say please and use a calm voice tone, you're more likely to get what you asked for. Teaching cause and effect sidesteps the whole blame thing.

It's funny that you mention Asperger's. Isn't that in the autism realm?? I can't remember. But a while ago, I was sort of "looking" and trying to see if he "had" anything. Because, he very clearly isn't like most children. Of course, there is a wide range of what most children are like - but I have been around many children, and have 3 others of my own, and there is just something different about him. If it WERE Asperger's, it would have to be such a tiny, tiny case of it. Maybe it IS just ADD/ADHD.>???? Ugh. I hate labeling him like that, but you can only go on so long with someone like him before you just admit that there is SOMETHING going on, and that it might be easier admitting that, so you can know what you are to do!!

Anyway, thank you for your help!