Homebirth prep for toddlers?

[kdegroo]

Hi Mamas,

I'm planning a homebirth in January. I have a 3 year old daughter who I'd like to participate in any capacity that she feels comfortable. We've been reading "Welcome with Love" since before I got pregnant and have been talking about and practicing the noises we make when our bodies do "big work."

What else can you all recommend? I'm up for role playing, conversations, and especially videos and/or books to help her visualize what will be unfolding. What has been helpful for your little ones?

Thanks in advance!
Kate

[JorgieGirl]

[Belle]

Dd1 had just turned 3 when her sister was born. We read Welcome with Love. We also read the Sears book about having a new sibling but changed the part about going to the birth center to "The midwives will come to us"

We watched some videos. The ones we watched were:
Gentle Birth Choices
Born in water: A sacred Journey
The Birth of Sabine
One by Suzanne Arms that we got from the Library. I can't remember the name of it.

We also watched one by discovery health but it was too confusing for her. She didn't understand hospital births after watching all the peaceful births.

We also talked about the noises that mommy would make and what she could do to help. (Bring mommy a drink of water or snack, be really quiet during contractions.)

[pjs]

Think about jobs she can do- holding a cup of water for you, putting a cap on the baby, doing a placenta print, helping cut the cord, getting you blankets for the baby, etc. If she has something to do/focus on, the more included she'll feel.

[brightonwoman]

Two things I think are important--to have a person there whose job is to be with the older sibling (to help her if *she* needs a snack, to take her elsewhere and play with her if the waiting is long, etc), but also to tell the child that it's ok if she doesn't want to watch. I want my kids to have the opportunity to be there, but I also don't want them to feel guilty if they turn away at the last second (which is what my then 6yo did at his brother's birth). I was present for several of my siblings births and a couple I watched with interest and a couple I turned away...and I think it's important especially with a small child for them to know that it's ok to watch, and it's ok to NOT watch too.

As for prep, well, like I said, we have someone who will be with the kids (we have a 2.5yo toddler as well as the older ds this time), we watch movies that show it all so that they can hear noises and see what birth looks like. We talked about mommy working hard and making noises. I also talk with them a bit about blood--that there is some blood with the baby inside of me and that when the baby is born there will be some blood coming out and that's ok and they don't need to worry about it or be afraid. At least in my experience with small kids, they are not freaked out about blood unless others around them are freaked out...if we tell them that it's ok then they won't be phased by it, you know? A couple of weeks ago my 2yo took a spill and smashed his nose and got a nosebleed...he was obviously terrified at all this blood on his shirt and hands (and going into his mouth) and was crying really hard in those first moments...I picked him and up and took him to the bathroom and cleaned him up and kept telling him that it was goign to be ok and within a minute or so he'd calmed down. There was still blood everywhere but he trusted me that if I said it was ok then it was ok, you know? Since the presence of blood is usually a sign of something wrong though, there's a natural inclination to be upset by it, so I think that's an important thing to prepare a child for.

[sothisislove]

Anybody have a 2 1/2 yo that couldn't handle it? or how did he/she handle it? I'm worried that my lo will be afraid if I seem in pain.

[Belle]

Originally Posted by sothisislove

Anybody have a 2 1/2 yo that couldn't handle it? or how did he/she handle it? I'm worried that my lo will be afraid if I seem in pain.

Mine had just turned three and she did just fine. We had coached her ahead of time about the noises that mommy would make. We even "practiced" with some BH contractions so she could see what it would be like. Grandma was her support person and she was on hand to take her out of the room if need be.

[dziwozony]

my 20mo attended my last birth & did fine. when i was still in the walking around stage of labour, he followed me around & when i paused to have a contraction, he stopped & watched & when it was over he would declare "All Done!" which i thought was really sweet :-)

he had been in a big daddy-phase recently, but was really interested in what was happening and wanted to hang around. he loved our midwife too, which really helped him feel welcome. for us, my partner was the one to focus on him. aside from sorting the hot water & helping out midwives with anything they needed (olive oil, etc), i didn't want him as my support person so that was his job.

my DS got into the pool to spash around, brining in a zebra & elephant :-) in late labour i started to not at all want him (or anyone!) touching me during a contraction, but i could give him a wordless hug in between.

when i pushed DS2 out, i let out a huge roar which made DS start crying, but my DP was holding him & explained what was happening & that it was okay & he wasn't upset for long (it was also his bedtime, which didn't help, so he did really well considering). he came over to meet the baby, gave a cuddle & kiss, then just wanted DP to start reading him books!

so we had a really good experience with having our toddler at the birth. and i think it will be special for him that he was there when his little brother was born.

[noeonend]

my dd was 34 months when #2 was born. We watched a lot of youtube vids before hand, and talked a lot about, "when the baby comes, mommy will have to do loooooots of hard work, and might make lots of noise, but when the baby is born, it will be over and mommy will be a-ok." I made sure to stress the mommy will be fine after it is over, and she did great. we had a point person there for her, and while I was pushing, she wsa up in her room reading books. A said that when she heard me pushing, she stopped what she was doing, told A that "mommy is doing her hard work" and went right back to reading. She came down about five minutes later all happy to meet E!

[sothisislove]

that's so cool!

[Harmony96]

My 34 month old was asleep for the hardest part of my labor (her bedtime is 8:00 and DS was born at 2:08 in the morning). She usually sleeps soundly through the whole night. When we put her to bed that night, I told her that the baby would be there when she woke up. I never did do any "prep work" with her (saying mommy has to work hard, etc.). Instead I just let labor happen as it would. The noise and bustle ended up waking her up, and she got to come and meet her brother when he was about an hour old, then she peacefully went right back to bed. In the morning, she remembered that the baby had arrived, and went to look for him.

It took her a few days to realize that my tummy was empty, though.

[greenthumb3]

To add a couple simple ideas to what you already have done or the suggestions of pp here, some things that worked for us include:

--At nighttime, we have special time. At least a few times a week, my kids and I (including the 2 year old) lay down on the bed, I put a few drops of aromatherapy oil on our bellies, and we take turns rubbing their bellies, and they rub my belly and feel the baby. It's funny to hear what the oldest two say, "Oh, I can feel the baby's hair, Mom!" No, they can't really, but it's great bonding.

It also naturally invited conversation about when the baby will "come out" and what it might be like, and the kids ask questions they have. For a two year old, this is special time with Mommy, and can continue into a new routine once baby is born and they still need to feel special with Mommy. (Everyone gets a special tummy or back rub with Mom, baby and toddler, too)

--Be naked in front of any child who might come in to the birth, that way when they see Mommy naked in labor or at the moment of birth, that is one thing at least that is normal to them. A lot of people dress or shower with children present so it may be common for you, or it may not. This is one of those YMMV suggestions, and can be done to whatever comfort level you or your child needs.

My oldest was not present for our second's birth, but our second was present for his little brother's birth. Labor was blase for him, he was more interested in hopping in the birth pool (which I was not okay with being in transition at the time); my sister helped him to come in right as his brother was born, and he and his older brother patted baby's head, and hung out for the weight check and first nursing, then hopped off to go play again. It was no big deal, but I sure was glad to have someone there to help with the kids.

Even though I prepared them as best I could, birth is such a fluid experience, you never know what it will be like, and so I am pretty open to whatever happens, if the kids need time away from me, fine, if they want to be near and can have good "birth manners", fine! (I like having my kids around)--my no. 1 rule is no jumping and yelling in the room while Mom is laboring! But I have all boys ) It can be very special and feels more normal for me to have my own little family around me, but if it gets too chaotic, I have a helper to step in with the kids as needed.

Good luck with everything! Can't wait to hear your birth story

[CrunchyMamaToBe]

I read somewhere else on MDC that the book Welcome with Love, aka Hello, Baby is really nice in its descriptions of home birth, but that it's out of print and going for $50.

However! It's available for under £6 from amazon.co.uk! Not sure how much they'd charge to ship to the US, but it might be worth checking out. I am going to order it, probably through Borders so I can pick it up and not have to pay for shipping.

The site mybirth.tv was just recommended to me as having lots of positive HB videos that are suitable for toddlers, but I haven't checked it out yet.